Wills related are we being unreasonable to leave our house to just one DD

[fortifiedwithtea]

We are mid fifties still have not made our wills. We have 2 daughters. However I have been open with the eldest girl that the house is to be left to her younger sister.

Our DD1 love her to bits but she’s not the easiest of character. I would describe her as highly strung And suffers with anxiety But doesn’t take any medication. She has been with her partner 4 years, he lives with us too. She has one more year of uni. Afterwards she is likely to move to another part of the Country and will most likely have an extremely well paid career.

However, DD2 has a learning disability and is dx with bi polar. She is unlikely to be able to live independently without support. Her greatest fear is that in the future she will be homeless. She has no qualifications and will struggle to get a job or keep it frankly as she has disorganised thinking.

I have reassured DD2 that she will never be without a home. Dd1 has told her quite bitterly in the past that she doesn’t need to worry as shes getting the house.

I went out with DD1 the other night and death came up in conversation because I am not well and I not likely to reach the great age of my own mum who is still going strong at 84.

I am an only child. Assuming my mum doesn’t ever need to go into a home, I will inherit her house. I told DD1 that if I inherited my mum’s house I would pass that on to DD1 and Dd2 would get our family home.

Dd2 said she understood my wishes but didn’t think it was fair.

I want to be open about wills with dd1 because of my experience with my Dad. He was the youngest of 3 . His eldest sister died young. She was also widowed at the time of her passing leaving an only son. His other sister is still alive at 94 and has lived in a nursing home for the past 4 years.My Dad assumed I would inherit the grandparents home and with that assumption put in his will that if my mum and him died at the same time their house could not be sold until DD2 was 25 and then the estate would be split 3 equal ways.

Lesson from that never assume an inheritance!

I was quite shocked at my Dad’s will. He passed when DD2 was only 5. I could have been liable to upkeep a house I could not sell for 20 years! As my mum survived him his entire estate went to her. She then made a new will that everything should go to me..

How can I fairly financially protect my girls?

What if I die within the next few years and my DH gets a new wife? What then?

I just assumed people sell houses if they inherit one.

Sorry to hear you're not well, fortifiedwithtea. I think it's prudent that you want to sort out your assets and provide for your DDs. I also completely understand why you had intended to leave the house to your youngest.

Like many others though, I don't believe this is fair, especially given that your DD1 is still quite young and not yet financially secure herself.

It's a hard conversation to have with your children. My mother has started doing this with me recently, because my youngest brother has learning disabilities and needs extra protections. (I wouldn't mind if my parents left everything to him, but he'd lose it as fast as he inherited it, because he doesn't understand money or assets enough to protect himself from fraudsters and people who want to take advantage.)

So my parents are putting securities in place to protect him longterm, in a way that is most useful to him and that allows him to live comfortably, while still splitting everything fairly between us.

I would recommend the same to you - work out how to protect DD2 in a way that is most useful longterm and avoid creating resentment by favouring one child over the other.

@Jerseygirl12

I just assumed people sell houses if they inherit one.

Yes, but the OPs dd doesn’t sound like she would be able to cope with the complexities of selling the family home and buying her own more manageable flat, so it would just be creating an issue for her.

Thank You @MaMelon its a very lonely place to be.

@sadperson16

Thank You *@MaMelon* its a very lonely place to be.

I can well imagine - I'm so sorry you're in that position, it must be awful

DH and his sister have fallen out majorly and haven't spoken for a while now - she has a level of influence over his 90 year old DM (who we see and speak to regularly and have a good relationship with) that is really unhealthy and very concerning, and we're quite expecting there to be some sort of nasty surprise in the Will as a result.

I am having a similar but different dilemma. When parents died they were scrupulously fair diving their assets equally. Probably because of DM falling out with her sister many years before over wills etc. Brothers and self all in different financial situations. DD has mental health issues, and has in the past had many debts when she was ill. Rich brother helped me and my partner buy a house for DD. Idea was that she and her bf would gradually buy it. This didn’t happen . Bf is a parasite, but also a controller, not a contributor. She has contributed about 10% . Her mental health is better now but is still convinced that BF knows everything..conspiracy theories, living under the state radar etc( while being pretty dependent on us in emergencies) He will not claim benefits and they are dependent on her employment support allowance and occasional casual work. If she was on her own I would leave the house to her, but I have no doubt she would be pressured to sell by bf. I want to give her the security of living in the house but I don’t want to give her it while he is around. So I’m thinking give her the part she and we have paid for, and the rest to niece on the basis that she will inherit when my daughter dies... ideally at that point should be shared among other cousins , and that my brothers original contribution was “family money” although he didn’t want it repaid. Tried to get legal advice and having paid hundreds was told that because we are not domiciled in UK we could not set up a trust. I don’t think she would make her own will so feeling very stuck. She has made no provision for a pension, but think she will get a small one from jobs when she was younger and because of her ESA.
Parents usually try to do their best for their children but it isn’t always easy to make the right decisions. And things Do change. Including benefits , support etc. But I would still advise the OP to be fair.

There's an awful lot of posters assuming that DD1 is going to be responsible for DD2's care in the future.

I've gone NC with my parents and this is one of the reasons. My brother is autistic and learning disabled. He has a job, but will be unable to live independently. My parents, who are already in their late 70s, are doing precisely nothing to mitigate this, and keep kicking that can down the road. They need to understand that the default option for his care after they die is not going to be me. It's not practical. I live too far away, and I couldn't even offer remote advice because my mother has frightened my brother away from the telephone and email. Also, I don't want to.

They've put the house in trust for both of us, but I don't want it, or their money. I want them to sort out my brother's living arrangements for when they're gone. I was young and naive when I signed the trust documents. Now I realise it was probably to try to force me to sort out the mess they're going to leave.

If DD1 is vulnerable, perhaps owning her own home is not advisable, a friend used an inheritance to set up a family trust owned flat for her daughter, which the daughter can live in for life, but does not own, she can live independently but does need some oversight, from her siblings. It seemed a very sensible solution to me. The worry was that she could have been taken advantage of financially, or scammed.

There's an awful lot of posters assuming that DD1 is going to be responsible for DD2's care in the future

I thought that. I assumed the op has said she was. If she hasn't I don't understand, why people would assume this.

I'm of the opinion that you should share your property between both dds. As you have a dd with a form of disability please take advice on the best way to protect her going forward. This might be to set up a trust fund for her so that she doesn't lose out on any benefits or support she might be entitled to. For example if your dd had your house is she able to physically and financially able to look after it?

I haven't RTFT before posting, but am basing this on advice my employers might have given a parent in your situation.

@Hekatestorch

There's an awful lot of posters assuming that DD1 is going to be responsible for DD2's care in the future

I thought that. I assumed the op has said she was. If she hasn't I don't understand, why people would assume this.

Because it's a DD, not a DS and it's an automatic assumption by many.....

You need proper professional advice on the best way to leave funds as equally as you can for your two DD. Perhaps in some sort of trust for your DD2.

Because it's a DD, not a DS and it's an automatic assumption by many.....

100% agree. Mum only has sisters and they cared for their dad. They are all getting on, so when my cousins suggested helping them out, all the male cousins decided it would be easier for me and the only other female cousin.

I had 2 young kids and worked full time. My female cousin had 4 kids under 5. Where some of them were single or only had their kids every other weekend. Their jobs didn't get them out of either.

Though I have to say they backed down quickly when I asked them to explain clearly why it was easier for us. We all chipped in, in the end. But even my mum and sisters were a bit that I wasn't accepting them just ignoring it.

@endofthelinefinally
Both DH parents have passed. He didn’t grieve for either of them. He sees a funeral a bit of a jolly. Same attitude as his sister. So I have no doubt that he won’t grieve for me either. Our relationship has been shit for more years than I care to remember but that is a whole different thread topic
Divorce wouldn't be off the cards imv.

Id split is equally however If your 2nd daughter has a learning disability and is unlikely to live independently you need to set up a trust, if you don’t and she needs care, social services will use that money to fund it.

Mencap have a wills and trusts helpline.

What if DD1 becomes disabled in the future?

You have to split it 50/50. If you don't you are truly a terrible person and you should be really ashamed of yourself.

Your poor DD1- as PP have said I feel awful for her.

I feel really sorry for dd1. A lot of unfair and unreasonable messages being sent here with op's ideas.

As well as the plans being impractical long term.

A family member had a stable teaching job, partner, stable mortgage. 1 illness, 5 years later can only work part time, split relationship, is really struggling health and financially, no one has a crystal ball! You cannot assume your dd1 is all sorted for life like this op.

My grandmother had 2 daughters and she left the house to my aunt and a couple of grand to my mum.

My aunt and uncle have taken early retirement and are enjoying lots of nice holidays and new cars.

My mum has been diagnosed with a degenerative disease and is struggling to pay for a carer to help her get to the toilet as her husband works nights.

To be honest I think my grandmother was an utter cow bag to do that between her daughters.

My mum hasn’t fallen out with my aunt - still sees her every now and then (they were never close) but she is under no illusion on how my grandmother felt about her. She doesn’t say a lot but it must really hurt . . . .

If I was you, I would write a will to split my assets equally between my DDs, but state DH has a right to continue to live in the house that your DDs each own a quarter of, you seem to assume he won't grieve you, but it will be hard for him, and if forced to sell up /move to release the DDs inheritance would be hard. A solicitor would be good for sorting that. (I have rather assumed your dh also owns half the house)

Would it not be the case that DD2 continues to live at home with DH? Do you think he would kick her out? I wouldn't want to create a situation where the house has to be sold and your dh and dd find somewhere else to live.

However if you think you will already own your DMs house before your death, you could sell that and buy a flat for dd2, that could be rented now for an additional income. There might be inheritance tax issues if you die within 7 years of that gift so again speak to a solicitor about it. Would your mother be open to changing her will in DD2s favour rather than yours if you ask her to?

[quote MyDogCalledMax]@fortifiedwithtea speaking as a private client solicitor specialising in Wills, I would seek proper legal advice about this.
Both daughters have issues so it might be better to set up a discretionary trust so that funds are managed for them.[/quote]
Yes agree with this. The ability of each daughter to manage the funds needs to be considered. Also if either needed help from adult social care, their assets over £23,250 are taken into account.

I'm glad you're re-thinking this.

Your dd1 is your emergency contact so you have relied on her/do rely on her but you're casting her in the role of Fine On Her Own.

I'm glad you've realised that it'd be a shit thing to do to her to leave everything to your dd2.

The house should be sold and both DDs should get help finding a place.

Even if divided by two, the sum could only buy two tiny places, that is much fairer.

I think my eldest dc will have much more conventional success in the world and my youngest will struggle to do get a job/hold on to a job.
That's not my daughter's fault. She deserves 50% of whatever I can leave behind.

Agree that this looks like favouritism.

There was a part of me, upon reading both girls struggle with mental health (one anxiety, one bipolar) that perhaps their upbringing had something to do with it. Perhaps they sense that there is an element of competition or conditional love in their relationship with their parents? That's not a nice way to grow up.

I think the fact you describe DD1 as a difficult character but will have a well-paid job.... It does sound like you somewhat resent her or don't want to treat her equally because of who she is. Not only that, you're telling her to her face "I won't be leaving the house to you in the will".

I'm really not surprised that she find that unfair, nor that she has anxiety, wants to move to a different part of the country, and comes across with you as "difficult".

Maybe I'm projecting as I was also seen as the difficult daughter. One of my parents treated me shambolically, but couldn't see their role in my character.

We are products of our environment. Think a little harder about the messages you are sending your daughters.

The answer to providing for a disabled child after your death is rarely money. My parents had 2 children, myself and my sister. My sister has autism and other LDs and lives with my mum. Once dad died a few years ago we saw a specialist accountant and solicitor about getting a will sorted (mum was nearly 80 at that time). The will left the house to my sibling in trust to live in but with me controlling the trust, also about £100,000 in trust for it's upkeep. I was to receive any remaining savings. It meant my sister didn't inherit the house and money, which would have meant ultimately that it would go to social services at some point to fund her care, and that if the situation was such that it wasn't suitable for her to live there then I could sell it after she was settled in suitable sheltered accommodation. We didn't want her to be ultimately stuck for the rest of her life in a big house with no support and isolated.

We are fifteen years down the line now. My sister has had much worsening health, and a number of strokes means she is in a wheelchair. Mum is still alive in her nineties and they just about manage together. Social services have been fantastic and have just found my sister a brilliant sheltered flat with full support that she moves to shortly. Mum does not have capacity any more so the will stands. If my sister was to inherit everything upon mum's death, as had been mooted all those years ago it would have meant mum's estate going straight to social services.

Assets need to be split evenly. It’s your last meaningful gesture to your children and only right they feel evenly loved by you. Anything else would be seen as favouritism and leave DD1 feeling uncared for.

You can't do that to your daughter. It's horribly unfair. Find a way to make it equal. This will be your daughter's last memory of you. 😢