Wills related are we being unreasonable to leave our house to just one DD

[fortifiedwithtea]

We are mid fifties still have not made our wills. We have 2 daughters. However I have been open with the eldest girl that the house is to be left to her younger sister.

Our DD1 love her to bits but she’s not the easiest of character. I would describe her as highly strung And suffers with anxiety But doesn’t take any medication. She has been with her partner 4 years, he lives with us too. She has one more year of uni. Afterwards she is likely to move to another part of the Country and will most likely have an extremely well paid career.

However, DD2 has a learning disability and is dx with bi polar. She is unlikely to be able to live independently without support. Her greatest fear is that in the future she will be homeless. She has no qualifications and will struggle to get a job or keep it frankly as she has disorganised thinking.

I have reassured DD2 that she will never be without a home. Dd1 has told her quite bitterly in the past that she doesn’t need to worry as shes getting the house.

I went out with DD1 the other night and death came up in conversation because I am not well and I not likely to reach the great age of my own mum who is still going strong at 84.

I am an only child. Assuming my mum doesn’t ever need to go into a home, I will inherit her house. I told DD1 that if I inherited my mum’s house I would pass that on to DD1 and Dd2 would get our family home.

Dd2 said she understood my wishes but didn’t think it was fair.

I want to be open about wills with dd1 because of my experience with my Dad. He was the youngest of 3 . His eldest sister died young. She was also widowed at the time of her passing leaving an only son. His other sister is still alive at 94 and has lived in a nursing home for the past 4 years.My Dad assumed I would inherit the grandparents home and with that assumption put in his will that if my mum and him died at the same time their house could not be sold until DD2 was 25 and then the estate would be split 3 equal ways.

Lesson from that never assume an inheritance!

I was quite shocked at my Dad’s will. He passed when DD2 was only 5. I could have been liable to upkeep a house I could not sell for 20 years! As my mum survived him his entire estate went to her. She then made a new will that everything should go to me..

How can I fairly financially protect my girls?

What if I die within the next few years and my DH gets a new wife? What then?

Not family law but probate. Have just been through complex probate as executor and my probate solicitor although expensive (fees from the estate), gave great advice, told me some options I hadn’t thought of re tax, helped me avoid missteps Re selling property and distribution and did all of the Hmrc/probate etc and was really helpful. Simple or small estates you can do yourself very often obvs. I’ve now used him to do my own will.

*TatinaBis that’s ok as long as DD2 has enough to be taken care of on an equal split.

If not, it’s not fair to a disabled offspring to leave them in the lurch just so the other sibling gets more money.

Money is not the most important thing - looking after a vulnerable family member is.*

'More' money? Or just their share? Money is important or this whole thread wouldn't exist.
Dd1 also has difficulties, but very sadly they seem to be discounted.
And yes it be lovely if dd1 can help and wants to help dd2, but this shouldn't be at detriment to her.

You have no way of knowing what DD1 life will turn out like. Yes, she may get a better job, but she could have years of unemployment at some point. She could develop mental health issues or illnesses at any time. She could become disabled through illness or accident. You simply cannot sit there realistically and say DD1 will be ok. As for saying she is highly strung🤦‍♀️. She is a young adult, she has grown up with a disabled sister and a moth who prioritises that younger sister needs above her needs- even if that is necessary and a sad fact of the situation you are in, it is not easy on her either.
Spilt the will evenly. Otherwise you are telling your elder daughter you don’t recognise she has need to or that you don’t care- hardly going to help your already difficult relationship . Your younger daughter does not need a entire family house left to her- if she has disorganised thinking and can have manic episodes she will not be able to come with maintaining a large house- a smaller property is much better. And how do you know that younger daughter, with her illness and disorganised thinking, won’t do something to fritter away your inheritance in a few years and still make herself homeless.
Really, stop trying to predict the future of your children- you have no. Control over it. Make your will based on what is fair and what expresses your love for each child only , ideally evenly.

and again what about the Op's husband...the father of both these children?

I think you’re being horrible. You’re basically saying you don’t give a shit about DD1 and whatever her sister needs or wants is far more important than her. Really really mean. You should split equally, no matter what. That’s really nasty parenting when you favour one child to that extent.

I would think more practically. A large house could end up being an albatross for dd2.
She would probably struggle to maintain it.
How old is dd2?
Is she capable of independent living or is she likely to need supported living?
I would consider some kind of equity release and set dd2 up in a small flat nearby or look into sheltered type accommodation for her assuming she is old enough. That way you can have her settled with your support. The rest of the equity in the house could then be split as you see fit between your dds.
I would definitely seek legal advice and also advice from a disability or benefit charity. As other have said a large inheritance could affect dds benefits and care and end up swallowed up on that instead. There could be some kind of trust you could set up instead.

I struggle to understand why DD1 being highly strung and struggling with anxiety has anything whatsoever to do with any inheritance.

It sounds like your DD needs supported accommodation so look in to this ASAP. It would also mean the transition is here while she has as much support as possible.

DH Father left everything to DH sister. She is not disabled. DH Father wrote that will when DH was studying at University and his sister had just graduated. He told no one he had left everything to one child. Thirty years hence he dies and everyone is shocked. MIL is upset still, he wrote the will shortly after they divorced. DH is an incredibly mild mannered kind of a chap and takes it remarkably well. I raged on his behalf. DH sister is just like the Father, personality wise, not very nice.

I feel so sorry for your DD1, no wonder she has anxiety issues if your actions are just a snapshot of how you treat her. Even if you had left her just part of the property and explained the reasons why I’m sure she would have been more understanding than just leaving her NOTHING. Good careers and marriages can go south very quickly so I think YABVU to not have made any provisions for her if you have the ability to do so.

Poor DD1.
I bet she also ends up as default carer because she’ll be NoK when you die too.

My other observation would be that, in my experience (and for absolutely valid and understandable reasons) siblings of a person with SEN/LD etc often have spent a large chunk of their childhood having to make allowances/ having their wants come second to their siblings needs/ not taking priority and do on. If, even in death, you confirm that then I think you are going to cause some heartache to your elder child. You might even cause resentment to your DD2 (feelings are not always rational) and a rift between them. Think carefully about why your DD1 feels it’s unfair. I suspect you’ll find it’s not all about the money.

@fortifiedwithteaYou need to talk to a lawyer who can help write the will to make sure dd2 is taken care of in a more equitable way.

I have a family member who cant be independent. When her mum went to write the will she wasn’t sure what the right thing to do was. The lawyer suggested leaving her a larger share (4 other siblings) but structured the will in a way that the extra money is to be in a trust and on her death that money is then to be split between the other 4 (or their children if they die first)
I may have the exact details wrong but a lawyer will be able to structure something similar

And I agree with the PP who said that a will is your last word on how you feel about your children. I believe it should be scrupulously 50/50.

Absolutely equal split for the many sensible reasons outlined above.
You cannot predict or control the future. I come from the same places as you.

If you want your final parting gift to your children to be friction and upset and conflict and to potentially mess up their relationship after youve gone, then thats a great idea.

Also OP what if DD1 has an accident the day after you die, and needs money to help fund a decent quality of life? Too bad for her huh.

What if DD1 has health issues at some point in her life too? What if the “extremely well paid career” you’ve decided she’ll have doesn’t actually occur?

It’s horrible parenting, you can’t favour one daughter over the other like that if you are a decent parent. What you should be hoping for is if DD1 is rich and successful that she’ll still care about her sister and provide emotional and financial support. Instead you are pitting the two against one another.

I would suggest that you speak to someone like Mencap about the best way to leave something to your DD with learning disabilities so that she is able to manage what is left to her . And if she is unlikely to live independently can she cope with home ownership?

I too feel sorry for your dd1. There has got to be a better way round this, surely?
Clearly you need to consider lots of things, as other posters have said.
And then, make a will, ASAP.

Not everyone is as greedy as the posters on this thread.

In her own words the older daughter feels bitter about her mother's plan and thinks that it's unfair. Where did you read that she actively supports the decision?

And she suffers from anxiety and is at uni, she's not happily established in a career. Her DM is just assuming she will do well, perhaps in comparison to her sister. I think OP is failing to see that things could change for both women.

You’re being beyond unreasonable.

I think what you are doing to dd1 is unforgivable . If dd2 has disability , she will be able to be cared for by the state in the event of your not being around . It's really cruel

YABU. Massively actually. Your DD1 needs your support not the cold shoulder because she's s difficult character. Please split it equally.

and again what about the Op's husband...the father of both these children?

Husbands in my opinion are one of the main reasons women should get a will sorted.

I've lived to see - sadly - friends pass away without wills, naturally assuming their husbands will pass everything down to the children, another case of assuming that everything will be preserved in aspic exactly as it always was, then a year later a new woman is in his life and in the home and then married and a beneficiary. And there's nothing wrong with that except that I know my friends would have safeguarded their assets for their children if they'd have known.

I have bipolar disorder and C-PTSD, and unfortunately my parents have helped me out a lot financially over the years - it's not something I ever asked for or demanded, btw. I've always held down jobs to the best of my ability, and have always done my very best to stay in work.

My sister is 15 years older than me (she's my dad's stepdaughter), and fully understands the difficulties I've had. For the most part, she's remained in stable financial situations throughout life and has no significant health issues, and harbours no resentment towards me or my/our parents.

My parents have split everything between us equally in their joint wills, including their house - my dad insists that my sister is just as much his daughter as I am.

This gives me a lot of comfort. It's not my sister's fault that I have mental health issues. It's likely the house will be sold before my parents' death anyway, in order to pay for their care (my dad's care home fees are already extortionate).

This does look like favouritism I'm afraid, OP. If I'd been left the house in the will due to my illness, I'd feel deeply uncomfortable with that. As PPs have recommended, speak to a solicitor experienced in these matters, because your daughters may well need to rely on each other once you're gone. A rift over finances could cause untold damage to their relationship.

No completely not alright, no no no, I can’t think of anything you could do to make your daughters not have anything but no relationship when you are gone, not cool