Wills related are we being unreasonable to leave our house to just one DD

[fortifiedwithtea]

We are mid fifties still have not made our wills. We have 2 daughters. However I have been open with the eldest girl that the house is to be left to her younger sister.

Our DD1 love her to bits but she’s not the easiest of character. I would describe her as highly strung And suffers with anxiety But doesn’t take any medication. She has been with her partner 4 years, he lives with us too. She has one more year of uni. Afterwards she is likely to move to another part of the Country and will most likely have an extremely well paid career.

However, DD2 has a learning disability and is dx with bi polar. She is unlikely to be able to live independently without support. Her greatest fear is that in the future she will be homeless. She has no qualifications and will struggle to get a job or keep it frankly as she has disorganised thinking.

I have reassured DD2 that she will never be without a home. Dd1 has told her quite bitterly in the past that she doesn’t need to worry as shes getting the house.

I went out with DD1 the other night and death came up in conversation because I am not well and I not likely to reach the great age of my own mum who is still going strong at 84.

I am an only child. Assuming my mum doesn’t ever need to go into a home, I will inherit her house. I told DD1 that if I inherited my mum’s house I would pass that on to DD1 and Dd2 would get our family home.

Dd2 said she understood my wishes but didn’t think it was fair.

I want to be open about wills with dd1 because of my experience with my Dad. He was the youngest of 3 . His eldest sister died young. She was also widowed at the time of her passing leaving an only son. His other sister is still alive at 94 and has lived in a nursing home for the past 4 years.My Dad assumed I would inherit the grandparents home and with that assumption put in his will that if my mum and him died at the same time their house could not be sold until DD2 was 25 and then the estate would be split 3 equal ways.

Lesson from that never assume an inheritance!

I was quite shocked at my Dad’s will. He passed when DD2 was only 5. I could have been liable to upkeep a house I could not sell for 20 years! As my mum survived him his entire estate went to her. She then made a new will that everything should go to me..

How can I fairly financially protect my girls?

What if I die within the next few years and my DH gets a new wife? What then?

Things can easily change between your daughters. My siblings and I could barely look at each other without a fight breaking out when we were younger. Now we're actually pretty close. But our DM continues to be surprised every time she hears we've met up!

@Waxonwaxoff0 read my replies again.

I have been told explicitly that my original thought is deeply flawed . I think I have acknowledged that in my posts. Posters have explained views that I had been too blinkered to see and I thank them for that.

I will follow up on the constructive advice and do the right thing by both my girls.

However, I am 55 years old with the realisation the end of my life is nearer than I have hoped for. I don’t need the personal attacks from a complete stranger. You have added nothing constructive to this discussion.

You will likely pay a big price for treating your children differently. My MIL told us she was leaving everything to DH's wealthy sister because of a member of her family having learning difficulties, with no thought towards our DC and their future.
Although you should never expect inheritance, it changed how we viewed MIL and ultimately how we treat her.
We know she isn't concerned about our family's future, so we don't particularly care about her now either.
You say DD1 will eventually move away, if you put enough hard feeling into her about this then she may never bother to come back and visit you much because she will feel you favour her sibling. Given you describe your DD1 as 'not the easiest character' and 'highly strung' she probably is aware of the blatant favouritism of her sister anyway, this will probably just be the final straw for her.

You’ve had a beating on this thread OP.

Fwiw, to me you come across as alone with this problem, proud of your DD1, scared and worried for your DD2. Your loneliness is possibly what’s making you thrust this issue onto an already independent DD1 with a seemingly bright future ahead of her.

Who knows what the future holds. Anything could happen to anyone, including something truly debilitating to your DD1. You can’t control that, or foresee and plan for every eventuality.

Split it equally, and impress upon your DD1 this dilemma. Appeal to her. Once you’re both gone, they will only have each other. They don’t need to be close. They just need to trust that - spouses, children, incomes etc notwithstanding - they will always do right by each other and make sure the other has what they need. Sounds like there’s plenty to go around.

I haven’t read the full thread but inheritance tax is also worth considering- in all likelihood the home will need to be sold in order to cover it, so you might as well leave the house to them both and they can split the sale price.

Sorry you’ve had a hard time on this thread, you seem kind and reasonable.

So many threads where op or ops family member is deciding to leave one child put of inheritance or give them one a much smaller amount.

Did covid really really, changes people view on inheritance?

Mind you most then getting deleted as 'op has been outed in RL' or turns out it's all not true hypothetical.

for you, OP. You’ve been through and are going through so much. I hope you’ve got plenty of support.

@BeenThruMoreThanALilBit @Puppysharness thank you both for your compassion

My friend went for a trust because her youngest will never be independent. Your DD1 will be responsible for her sister if dd2 goes into council care they will take the family home anyway .

You need DD1 to care for her sister when you're gone

@Feduperika

Can I just give an example of what can happen please, I really wish parents of vulnerable children could have way more help to plan the future. Whatever much needed help kids currently receive there is way less when they reach adulthood. I am sort of DD1 in this scenario, my sister has non visible LD and has a part time job where they work with her capabilities. DS was set up in a flat by my parents long before they passed and they supported DS. After DM died my dad got social services involved again (they had been involved before and DS had a social worke) but because DS had a flat and savings in her name she had to pay for her weekly support. When dad died this all went tits up. I hadn't reckoned on DS not paying the blindest attention to my advice about anything and amongst other things she stopped the support because she didn't want to pay. So here we are, she has drawn down her savings so lives off the non means-tested PIP and her small salary. She spends what she has. In theory she is entitled to SS help but with Covid and the state of adult care social care there is nothing, she was given the number for CAB when she contacted SS in a crisis recently FFS. I suppose what I am getting at is that she either needs to be left so much, with it being set up so that the support can't stop due to her whims or running out of money OR she should be left with too little or only Trust money so that SS and benefits must house and support her. In our case the fact my DS owns a flat means she gets no help with repairs and leaseholder costs and no support to organise them and keep an eye on bills. Her own physical state is deteriorating very fast too. Because she lies to me and ignores advice I only find out at crisis points. And so we lurch on.

This is the sort of situation I have been trying to highlight. To ensure a young person in their teens with learning difficulties and mental health issues is securely housed and has a an income for the rest of their lives will cost more than a million, I imagine. They could live for another 80 years, during which time they can't earn much through work. The fact that they own a property means that they are unlikely to be eligible for benefits and support. So as well as a house, and all the associated costs involved with that (council tax, water, utilities, insurance, maintenance, gardening, cleaning, decorating, new kitchen and bathroom every 20 years) you would also have to have enough money to fund carers, advice and support.

OP given that it sounds that she will not be able to live independently it might make sense to leave everything to DD1. DD2 sounds as if she would qualify for supported living. If she has nothing, the pressure falls on the LA/ SS to house her. Then if DD1 or a trust could invest half the inheritance on her sister's behalf she would be in a position to buy in some discreet extra support, special holidays and other treats to improve the quality of life for DD2/ bail her out in case of emergency.

So glad you're rethinking this. I have a cousin with Downs Syndrome. Their parents' estate was split equally between all their children, and they all look out for their incapacitated sibling, who has a (private) supported living place paid for from his share and an income from investment of the rest of it. I don't think the others would have been resentful if he'd got the whole lot because they're each successful in their own right, but it's best not to test it if you can avoid it.

Maybe you could divorce DH then no money goes to him - you then write a will leaving all to DDs.
That would avoid some possible pitfalls.

OP there was a really good series on TV a few years ago where financial experts help people make wills fairly. The families had all different dynamics going on. Sorry I don’t know the name but it’s worth watching.

@GreatAuntEmily

Maybe you could divorce DH then no money goes to him - you then write a will leaving all to DDs. That would avoid some possible pitfalls.

I trust you are being sarcastic?

OP, you are in a difficult position. Don't make bad decisions with good intentions.

Leaving anyone the family home is a gamble If you need nursing home care, or the last partner does, then the home is likely taken for care needs. For starters put the house in 'tenants in common' rather than joint tenants. That halves the risk. Do mirror wills. I agree DD2s needs are greater, s9 should have the greater share.

@GreatAuntEmily

Maybe you could divorce DH then no money goes to him - you then write a will leaving all to DDs. That would avoid some possible pitfalls.

Friends escaping Africa many years ago did this to get the money out, they remarried back in the UK

I think you need professional advice that perhaps no-one on this forum can give, in view of DD2 having a learning disability and maybe not able to live independently. Even if that were not the case, I commend you for thinking about the will you wish to make.

If DD2 is vulnerable, I'd think very carefully about how she would cope with owning a home. Also, if she is likely to be too unwell to work, an inheritance could mean she she is not entitled to any benefits apart from PIP. She could also be vulnerable to financial abuse or exploitation by unscrupulous "boyfriends" (this may sound like scaremongering, but I have known of more than a couple of cases of this happening). And bipolar people are renowned for blowing money really quickly when they have manic episodes (my brother is bipolar and he has got through 5 figure sums in a couple of months when he has been unwell).

There are lots of schemes for housing vulnerable adults and providing them with an appropriate level of support according to their needs. Imo, exploring this sort of placement would be better.

Her inheritance could be placed in a discretionary trust rather than left to her. This would not affect her benefits and would protect her and provide her with security.

And I also think it would be very unfair to place her in a more favourable position than her sister. None of us can see what the future holds, and her sister could desperately need that money one day.

I think it's wrong to treat one child more favourably than another, unless there are compelling reasons like addiction.

If DD has a sizeable inheritance, an income derived from that, meaning she does not have to rely on benefits, is a life line.

PIP is not means tested, but hard to get even if you’re seriously disabled. Very hard to qualify for the mental health component.

ESA is very hard to get, now merging into UC, which has cut the original allowance for illness considerably. It is also again very hard to get, particularly for the mentally ill. The testing could be every 2 years and it’s a very, very stressful process. If DD was ever turned down on review, which she could be at any point, she would be without income. Once you have over £16,000 in savings, you don’t qualify, anyway.

If I were OP’s position I would be aiming to provide DD with enough to secure a flat to live in, potentially for vulnerable people, with sufficient income from an investment portfolio that she does not have to rely on the vagaries of the DWP. I would aim to tie it up in a trust that is managed by a third party. I would give DD1 PoA and potentially another family member or friend so DD1 is not on her own with it. (You can give PoA to a lawyer if there is no-one else suitable.)

I would not make blanket decisions about ‘equal shares’ - rather figure out what DD2 needs as minimum, and then work out what DD1 gets.

I expect my kids to have enough intelligence, responsibility and compassion to want to ensure the vulnerable member of the family is taken care of. And to see that it’s in their best interest that that should happen. I do not expect bitterness and resentment over money and I don’t think it’s acceptable.

Yabvvu your poor dd.

@justasking111

My friend went for a trust because her youngest will never be independent. Your DD1 will be responsible for her sister if dd2 goes into council care they will take the family home anyway .

You need DD1 to care for her sister when you're gone

And what if DD1 wants to emigrate to Australia?

Anybody contemplating doing this kind of thing.....please take a step back and think.

It is utterly devastating to be the injured party.
Its not about money, houses, feeling entitled.

It strikes at the core of your sense of self worth.
It ruins a rlationship with siblings and extended family.
There will be decisions to make further down the line, a care home? the contents of the home?
God knows its bad enough without actually creating conflict

Do mirror wills

No no no, never.

@sadperson16

Anybody contemplating doing this kind of thing.....please take a step back and think.

It is utterly devastating to be the injured party.
Its not about money, houses, feeling entitled.

It strikes at the core of your sense of self worth.
It ruins a rlationship with siblings and extended family.
There will be decisions to make further down the line, a care home? the contents of the home?
God knows its bad enough without actually creating conflict

Absolutely agree.

It seems odd to leave a large family home to someone that cannot work. How would they maintain the property? The house would be left to rot surely. Dd2 is better off in a flat