Wills related are we being unreasonable to leave our house to just one DD

[fortifiedwithtea]

We are mid fifties still have not made our wills. We have 2 daughters. However I have been open with the eldest girl that the house is to be left to her younger sister.

Our DD1 love her to bits but she’s not the easiest of character. I would describe her as highly strung And suffers with anxiety But doesn’t take any medication. She has been with her partner 4 years, he lives with us too. She has one more year of uni. Afterwards she is likely to move to another part of the Country and will most likely have an extremely well paid career.

However, DD2 has a learning disability and is dx with bi polar. She is unlikely to be able to live independently without support. Her greatest fear is that in the future she will be homeless. She has no qualifications and will struggle to get a job or keep it frankly as she has disorganised thinking.

I have reassured DD2 that she will never be without a home. Dd1 has told her quite bitterly in the past that she doesn’t need to worry as shes getting the house.

I went out with DD1 the other night and death came up in conversation because I am not well and I not likely to reach the great age of my own mum who is still going strong at 84.

I am an only child. Assuming my mum doesn’t ever need to go into a home, I will inherit her house. I told DD1 that if I inherited my mum’s house I would pass that on to DD1 and Dd2 would get our family home.

Dd2 said she understood my wishes but didn’t think it was fair.

I want to be open about wills with dd1 because of my experience with my Dad. He was the youngest of 3 . His eldest sister died young. She was also widowed at the time of her passing leaving an only son. His other sister is still alive at 94 and has lived in a nursing home for the past 4 years.My Dad assumed I would inherit the grandparents home and with that assumption put in his will that if my mum and him died at the same time their house could not be sold until DD2 was 25 and then the estate would be split 3 equal ways.

Lesson from that never assume an inheritance!

I was quite shocked at my Dad’s will. He passed when DD2 was only 5. I could have been liable to upkeep a house I could not sell for 20 years! As my mum survived him his entire estate went to her. She then made a new will that everything should go to me..

How can I fairly financially protect my girls?

What if I die within the next few years and my DH gets a new wife? What then?

I think this is awful, OP. You're creating distress and bad feeling within your family and damaging both your daughters' relationship with each other and their own peace of mind. I think you should absolutely split their inheritance equally, 50/50 and make it clear that you love them both equally and want them both to feel the security of your care and love even when you're no longer around.

You are at risk of destroying your own relationship with DD1 whilst alive by telling her that you are going to favour DD2

You will also likely destroy any chance of a relationship between DD1 and DD2

It's not just a foolish plan, an unfair plan but it's also unkind for both your daughters

I suggest you think again

DH resentment towards his brother and the unequal way they’ve both been treated over the years, sadly will never be mended.

His brother has no learning difficulties, he’s just a leach, a ‘self employed’ sponger whose business over the past 10 years has done so well, he was fucked during lockdown, so needed yet more hand outs from his parents, or rather his father, his mother sometimes sees through the bullshit!

His father has enabled him all these years, we don’t know why, but they both come to DH for help and support during illness etc, which DH is always there for, they can’t rely on the sponger brother who only lives next door.

It’s a very strange dynamic and one I’ll never understand.

I know your circumstances are different, OP but your DD1 might feel this resentment in future years. What is the relationship like between your DD1 & DD2?

We are in the same position as yourselves - two children, one with LD.

@Thehouseofmarvels advice is spot on about the trust fund for the child with LD, as a trust fund will ensure that the child does not lose entitlement to state benefits. Cerebra do training on this as it quite complex.

We will split the inheritance equally between the two children and will put one half into a trust fund for our child with LD. The money will then be used as and when to buy things that he needs throughout his life eg aids or a short holiday. He will still therefore be entitled to housing support, DLA, direct payments etc.

YABVU. DD2 is clearly your favourite. I feel so sorry for DD1! Just split your house and all your assets EQUALLY between BOTH of the DDs. If you don’t do this, then your DDs will resent each other and won’t have a relationship once you’ve passed.

Also, having a degree does not guarantee that you will walk into a high paying job. That does not happen nowadays unless you’re rich and have contacts in the right places.

This is how children stop talking to oarents. It's not even about money. As pps said, you just told them basically who is your favourite.
As much as I understand you wnat to help dd2, this is not the right way to go about it imo.

Yabu. Split as evenly as possible after securing a smaller place for DD2.

In this scenario I am DD1 and my DB is DD2 (even though my brother does not have any learning disability, but some psychological issues that created problems from him during his teenager years).
My family told me that they will most probably leave our family home to DB because I am "the stronger one" and already bought a house last year.
Honestly this left me very disappointed and even though I said nothing at the moment (I was shocked - totally not expecting it since my family is already paying for my brother's flat rent) this just confirmed what I thought for my entire life and was always too shy to say out loud.

Please don't do it this way if you can find a better alternative to secure DD2 future.

I know you say that you don't want DD1 to be be her sister's carer. But to some degree that will happen by default. My friends parents didn't want it for him either. But what's he supposed to do when his sister sees him as her go to person? There are so many things she can't manage for herself that he's at her beck and call all the time. And guilt won't let him ignore her.

This is why you need to get her into supported living. She'll still look to her sister, but DD1 will be able to then call on the people paid to provide support. Just as I do with my mum.

Please take a moment to process that I am already disabled and if you read my other thread at best am facing blood condition that may turn cancerous or at worst have an incurable bone cancer.

Nobody has the time to look bad at everyone’s previous posts to check out their medical history before replying!

Despite that dripfeed of additional information, I still feel this is a terrible idea. If your kids are not yet working-am I right in thinking they are only late teens/early twenties? That is so young to have already decided to disinherit one at the expense of the other. I still feel desperately sorry for your eldest daughter and think this decision will destroy your family. You worry that your DH might marry again-what does he say about all this? What is your relationship like?

I can see your logic but I can also understand how your daughter feels.

I would take some specialist advice if one daughter is never likely to be able to live without support. My friend in this situation transitioned their son to supported living in his early twenties so they didn't have to make difficult decisions when bereaved or when a parent was seriously ill. They then set up a trust to give them an income and made sure they received the benefits they were entitled too. This felt very fair to all their children and made sure they weren't left to support a sibling at a time they would probably be dealing with their own children.

I cant believe people are married with mortgages and children and have no wills! You also need to set up powers of attorney - both health and financial.

She has one more year of uni. Afterwards she is likely to move to another part of the Country and will most likely have an extremely well paid career.

Can I ask what her degree is in and what this ‘extremely well paid’ career is?

If she has anxiety, going into anything stressful may well end very badly, or even get off the ground.

As DD2 will not be able to manage the house I would be thinking of supported living for her when the time comes, this will be her own little flat within a community where she gets so many hours of support from carers. However as she may have a considerable inheritance she will be expected to fund this herself and it does not come cheap, eventually the ingeritance will run out.

Just to point out, if either your mum or yourself need to go in to care, all of the bad feeling you have created with dd1 could become irrelevant. Care home costs need to be taken in to account, their may be no inheritance left for either of your dds (speaking from experience - dgm has been in care for 6 years and we are now just about getting down to the last £25,000, the point at which the council will take over paying her fees). We sold a four bedroom home in the midlands and Pretty much the whole estate has been used for care home fees).
I have two dc who I expect to be able to go on and live independently, work successfully and have independent lives. My third dc I suspect may need far more support if she is ever able to do this and I do worry that holding down a job may be too much for her. The last thing I would want to do is put a barrier between her and her siblings, they may be the only people she has left and whilst it would never be their responsibility to care for her, I would hope that they would look out for her and help her through life as she requires. To leave unequal inheritance and putting a massive divide between them may not be the best way to ensuring dd1 is happy to do this.

I also suspect living in a big family home would be far too much for a single adult with learning difficulties. A small flat or bungalow would be far more suitable and give her somewhere she could live And manage forever. In my head, I would hope that my two dc would help their dc to Find a suitable property and move Them in, making sure everything was Adequately set up for them. The hurt an unequal will would leave may mean this isn’t the case.

How extraordinary to deliberately create bad feeling between your dds and your Dd1 and yourself by discussing this very unfair plan with them!

Supposing your dh doesnt marry again but develops dementia- any money left will be eaten up in care home costs.

Suppose he does marry again and his second wife devotes years to nursing him, of course hell want to leave her financially protected.

Better to forget inheritance as a source of security for your children and concentrate on making them financially secure in your lifetime eg help your dd2 apply for social housing . Then any inheritance will be a bonus and they'll maybe have a relationship w each other once you are gone.

If you leave a house to a vulnerable young woman, aren’t you risking her being taken advantage of?

Wouldn’t it be better to leave her enough for a flat, which you could do from the sale of grandmas house, renting it out until she’s ready, so she knows that’s hers? At least there would be a smaller chance of her being forced into marriage and losing her home that way.

You could then leave money in a trust fund that pays out annually, or she would need to seek approval for funds, maintenance or holidays etc so the account holder can make sure she’s ok?

Poor DD1. I think your damaging your relationship with her and then will do further damage to the relationship between the sisters

No, YABU.

Go and see a solicitor and get your wills in place with professional advice and treat your DD equally. Most estates pass to the surviving spouse anyway, not to DC, but you absolutely need advice on this.

I haven't had time to read the full four pages but if your DD2 is as unlikely to be able to have a decent career and look after herself as you think, how do you imagine she'll be able to pay the bills on a house and maintain it? If she owns the house she may not be eligible for the benefits and support she might receive if she didn't have it.

I had a bi-polar friend throughout my 20s and 30s. She suffered, despite medication, from highs where she overspent crazily, and lows where she couldn't possibly have worked and often needed to be sectioned and taken into the local psychiatric unit. She was always in debt or trouble of one kind of another. She was in a HA flat and workers there understood her situation and protected her from the worst consequences — so she was never made homeless. Your daughter's bpd might manifest differently, of course.

We have in our family a person with learning difficulties who was left the family home when his parents died. He had a four-bedroom house but was living on benefits and dependent on the rest of the family (cousins, aunts and uncles) and friends to support him because he was unable to live completely independently. He had a minimum wage job and couldn't manage money well. He could do no DIY or maintenance for himself. For a few years the extended family helped with everything from shopping and gardening to paying for repairs to the house. Eventually when it needed a new roof we drew the line. It had to be sold. The funds were invested in a trust and he now rents a small HA flat in a facility designed for older people with special needs. He is much happier and if his money ever runs out he will be in a position to claim benefits.

I can envisage a future where your older daughter ends up not inheriting anything but also gets lumbered with all the responsibility of caring for, and bailing out, your younger daughter. That's not fair. Get advice from Mind on the best way to protect your younger daughter's interests without penalising the older one. That may involve selling the house on your death, giving half of the proceeds to your older daughter and putting the rest in trust for your younger one.

You can't rely on inheriting you mum's house.

She may need care home costs.

She may marry a young gigolo and he could inherit - very unlikely, but you can't predict the future and can't rely on what may never come.

The only thing you can rely on is you and your possessions.

Could the house be sold with the proceeds paying for a flat?

Does your DD have an advocate who could help her with legal and financial issues?

Write your will now as you see fit, but you can't factor in any inheritance from your mother.

If she does pass away after you write your will, then you can re-write it.

There are mechanics (trust funds, life interests to DC with disabilities with non-disabled DC inheriting rights to half after life interest. Managing spouse's future relationship risks with mutual wills or bypassing spouse to trust). Unlike most PPs, I have seen asymmetric wills on several occasions relating to work where a DC has disabilities and with one exception, this has worked fine as the other DC understanding, expecting and wanting this as part of a loving family.

I am sorry to hear about your illness. Have you looked into finding some kind of supported living for your second daughter. The responsibility of home ownership can be great even for people in full health.

@fortifiedwithtea

To those who are calling me vile. Please take a moment to process that I am already disabled and if you read my other thread at best am facing blood condition that may turn cancerous or at worst have an incurable bone cancer. Please be kind.

DD1 have always had a very open say it like it is relationship. She is my emergency contact. She has asked that if I need to go to hospital she is my designated visitor. This is why we are having this talk now.

People who have said DD2 won’t cope with a large house. Yes you are right, think I needed to have that spelled out. Its a large garden on 3 sides too we struggle now between the 5 of us to maintain. I was hoping DD2 could stay here because its so ideally located and its the comfort of being the family home. I am worried moving will upset her mental health. But yes you’re right in the long run it won’t be practical for her.

I never want for DD1 to be responsible for her younger sister. As individuals they are very different. I absolutely do not want dd1 to become her sister’s carer. That would be dreadful for both of them.

Is there a register of specialist solicitors in this area. We definitely need professional help to get this right.

if this is the case then why are you factoring in your Mum's house?
I think before you go to a solicitor, you need to sit down WITH YOUR HUSBAND and discuss what it is that you want to do in terms of outcomes.....the who gets what aspect, that's about solutions, about HOW you achieve what you want. eg you: "I want DD2 to have a home for life" That's an outcome. leaving her your house is a solution but not the only one.

I am concerned about the way that your husband is being left out of all this.... Don't you think that you need to be speaking to him FIRST.....If it were me, I'd find it incredibly hurtful if you were making decisions based on the fact that you think that he will remarry and screw over his own children....I mean if your positions were swapped and he was the one with the life limiting conditions and he was saying what you are saying, how would you feel?