Wills related are we being unreasonable to leave our house to just one DD

[fortifiedwithtea]

We are mid fifties still have not made our wills. We have 2 daughters. However I have been open with the eldest girl that the house is to be left to her younger sister.

Our DD1 love her to bits but she’s not the easiest of character. I would describe her as highly strung And suffers with anxiety But doesn’t take any medication. She has been with her partner 4 years, he lives with us too. She has one more year of uni. Afterwards she is likely to move to another part of the Country and will most likely have an extremely well paid career.

However, DD2 has a learning disability and is dx with bi polar. She is unlikely to be able to live independently without support. Her greatest fear is that in the future she will be homeless. She has no qualifications and will struggle to get a job or keep it frankly as she has disorganised thinking.

I have reassured DD2 that she will never be without a home. Dd1 has told her quite bitterly in the past that she doesn’t need to worry as shes getting the house.

I went out with DD1 the other night and death came up in conversation because I am not well and I not likely to reach the great age of my own mum who is still going strong at 84.

I am an only child. Assuming my mum doesn’t ever need to go into a home, I will inherit her house. I told DD1 that if I inherited my mum’s house I would pass that on to DD1 and Dd2 would get our family home.

Dd2 said she understood my wishes but didn’t think it was fair.

I want to be open about wills with dd1 because of my experience with my Dad. He was the youngest of 3 . His eldest sister died young. She was also widowed at the time of her passing leaving an only son. His other sister is still alive at 94 and has lived in a nursing home for the past 4 years.My Dad assumed I would inherit the grandparents home and with that assumption put in his will that if my mum and him died at the same time their house could not be sold until DD2 was 25 and then the estate would be split 3 equal ways.

Lesson from that never assume an inheritance!

I was quite shocked at my Dad’s will. He passed when DD2 was only 5. I could have been liable to upkeep a house I could not sell for 20 years! As my mum survived him his entire estate went to her. She then made a new will that everything should go to me..

How can I fairly financially protect my girls?

What if I die within the next few years and my DH gets a new wife? What then?

My grandmother left her sole asset, her house, to my uncle, because he was her son, and nothing to the two daughters who’d looked after her and had her living with them for the last 20 years of her life — however, my uncle’s MH issues have meant he, despite being a carpenter/builder by trade, has let the house literally fall into ruin over the past 30 years, and sits outside it in his van crying.

Equal split or leave it all to a cats home.

You have no idea whether DD1 will be financially secure when you die. She might get a good job and be in a stable relationship. She might not. She might be divorced with sole care of small dcs, an ex who pays no maintenance and in a difficult financial situation juggling part time work round child care responsibilities.

Also as pointed out by PP it would be insane to leave a large sum to a vulnerable adult. Monies should be in trust to protect her.

@fortifiedwithtea

You need to treat your daughters equally and fairly and you need a solicitor that specialises in wills and trusts.

DH and I have mirror wills which when one of us dies, allows the surviving spouse to live in the current home or buy another home if necessary, but the deceased partner's share of the house and savings is left to our children.

That way if the surviving spouse needs care, it avoids all the assets being swallowed up in care home fees, as if the house is sold, half of it belongs to the children.

We were advised it was not a good idea to split our estate three ways between our 3 sons in the normal way, as that would affect any benefits our autistic son is currently entitled to. (The minute your savings go above a certain threshold you lose your benefits.)

Subsequently his share is tied up in a special trust that when the time comes, will be administered by his elder brother and a solicitor.

How old is your DD2? Does she claim benefits? Does she have a social worker? It may be that looking into supported living for her now is a better option.

Terrible, terrible idea.
You divide your assets equally between your children.

And if DD2 is unable to manage a job, running a home would be an enormous struggle. Surely. If she is so needed of additional support, she will be housed by the council as 'priority need' if all else fails.
Alternatively a small manageable property could be bought for her rather than family home.

Your DD1 might be on track for a great career but what if she has an accident or something unexpected happens...

Equal shares of equity OP.

Poor DD1. What parent would do this, can you not see how hurtful this is?

Of course you split it equally, both houses sold and the cash split between both girls. Why the fuck should DD2 benefit more because DD1 might one day get a high paying job. I get she has additional needs but that means she can then buy something suitable for her not be left a family home that she can’t maintain.

Poor girl and your comments about her “anxiety”. I would be anxious if I knew my own mother was favouring my sibling due to a hypothetical situation in the future, can’t imagine what damage that’s done to her.

I imagine of course you’ll lean on DD1 for support but not fairly distribute any inheritance.

This is genuinely one of the most insensitive threads I have seen on here for while.

Before sorting the wills go and talk it all through with a financial adviser. They will be best placed to talk you through the types of trust available.

They may also be able to advise your DM on how best to distribute her estate in advance.

Unless one child does something truly heinous, it will be 50/50 for ours. Anything else is very hurtful.

You really sound like someone who loves drama OP. I appreciate that you are ill but even more reason to approach this sensitively and not use your house as a way to drive a wedge between your dds

I agree with the majority of posters who say you should split any inheritance equally

Like pp have said, you don't know what the future holds. After you have gone your DD1 may become ill/disabled before she had had the chance to buy a house or build up savings. She would live the rest of her life with nothing, knowing that DD2 inherited everything.

Her anxiety could realistically get much worse over time and prevent her from working.

Don't assume anything.

I also agree that your DD2 is a vulnerable adult and as such she will be a target for unscrupulous people.

I think that knowing your intentions/feelings could be contributing to DD1's anxiety.

Definitely get specialist advice but I really think you should split anything 50:50.

My grandmother left her sole asset, her house, to my uncle, because he was her son.
Mine too with €30,000 for the eldest daughter in 1999, the eldest was to give a token she didn't, she died recently, her 3 DC sold the house for €600,000. Yes thanks grandma.

@UserStillatLarge

If DD2 is unable to live independently without support, then surely the most important thing you can do for her is to work out how she will cope when you have passed? Simply leaving her with a house and a disgruntled sister is unlikely to be the answer.

Also, you have no idea what the future may hold. DD2 need more financial support now but who knows what might happen to DD1 in the future. Maybe she'll fall on hard times and end up worse off.

I think this is something you seriously need to consider. If your dd cannot live independently, a little flat in some kind of sheltered accommodation would perhaps be the best way forward. I imagine 50% of the inheritance would be enough for that.

I’m sorry you are struggling with a life limiting illness and disability. Being disabled and being too ill myself to participate in normal life, I do understand where you’re coming from. But I still think you’re over empathising with your dd2.

I will be inheriting 50/50 with my vile sibling and on the face of it, yes, it seems terribly unfair to me when they are on a 6 figure salary and im far too ill to work. But at the end of the day, this person is still my mother’s child. And when all said and done and despite being nc from them for my physical protection, they still should get half from her.

Your dd2 is even telling you this. Please don’t set your children up to resent one another. Your dd2 needs her sister.

I think your proposed action is terrible. I can't fathom how parents can treat their children with such a lack of equity.

Quite aside from anything else, no one knows what's round the corner and the daughter who you just assume will fall into some fabulous well paid career might get ill/disabled/ widowed or god knows what else

If this is for real then it's unspeakably awful.

If there are ultimately going to be two houses in the pot, so to speak, I can’t see what on earth is wrong with selling both and splitting the proceeds.

As pps have said, an easily manageable flat would almost certainly be better for dd2. Sounds to me as if a house would just be a burden for her.

I feel so sorry for DD1 here. You talk about her disparagingly, anxiety in itself can be disabling.

Also getting a degree doesn't guarantee a good career. I know waitresses with 2.1s.

YABU on several fronts really.

• you’ve more or less told you dc1 that you favour dc2

• you aren’t really setting dc2 up for life after your death with this. Rather you are burdening her with a family home with large gardens. She likely won’t be able to run this properly and it could impact what benefits and support she’s entitled to as more knowledgeable pp have stated. You’d be much better trying to get her into supported living or her own flat and supporting her in that big step while you are able to (depending on your own health of course I haven’t read your other threads).

• you are making huge assumptions about DC1 and the life she will lead. Yes ideally she’ll graduate and enter a well paid career and have a financial secure comfortable life. However, she hasn’t even finished uni yet!!! When I was at that stage I was flying high - very bright, first class degree guaranteed, opportunities abound but my personality wasn’t suited to a high flying career at all. I had low self esteem and anxiety. I’m unemployed now although managing and not on the breadline it’s not the life I’d have imagined when I was at university. I am happy though. So you really have absolutely no idea what your dc1 needs will be later in her life. It’s not right to make assumptions that she’ll be so much better off that her sister at the stage she’s at.

• you seem to be downplaying dc1 anxiety and own mental health issues which is quite sad given what you’ve later said about her being your designated hospital visitor etc etc. She’s obviously keen to support you yet you don’t seem to have considered that your own health issues are something that would concern her and cause her anxiety too. You labelled her highly strung which seems unfair.

You are being unfair. It’s not DD1’s fault that her sister has additional needs. If you go ahead with this, you will destroy their relationship. DD2 will need a small, easy to run, flat, not a family home.

Far too much over analysing.

You have 2 daughters, you leave any estate to be divided equally.

Yabvu and if I were dd1 I would be utterly devastated. Please be better than this. Please take your own advice & be kind. You are almost certainly guaranteeing an awful future relationship between your daughters. Don't do this.

i think you need a care act assessment for you dd2. With a learning disability she won't be left without a home. I think you need to discuss future plans for her care. If she had too much money she won't get the full benefits anyway. You need proper financial advice on how to get things in trust for her but don't forget your other daughter in this.

When my DGF died nearly 3 years ago, the house was split between the siblings. One of my aunts bought the other 3 out. This seems the most sensible way.

YABU your dd2 does not in the long term need a family size home to live in whereas you don't know how dd1s future will work out.
It would be better for the house to be sold so dd2 can have a supported living type flat and dd1 and her partner have a deposit towards a home of their own.
It is possible for wills to be set up in a way that protects your share if your DH remarries, but you need to see a solicitor.

Thoughtful update op. Funny how sometimes quite obvious things crop up only when ‘talking’ things through. Good luck and hope your health improves. It’s a worrying time but you are doing everything right - sorting things now so you can get on with enjoying your life (and big house and garden!). Hope you get good professional advice and which you are happy with.

@namechange30455

By highly strung, do you mean "I do things to upset her but don't ever consider changing my own behaviour and instead blame her MH"?

That's what my dad means when he calls me "highly strung". I don't speak to him very much any more!

@namechange30455 See also: 'Difficult'.

As almost everybody else has said, this is a terrible idea.

You're effectively telling your eldest that her needs are less important than her sister, while also relying on her for practical and emotional support while she's barely out of her teens. You've already said that your unequal treatment has driven a wedge between your daughters, and this will only escalate if you carry on like this.

You're also disempowering your younger daughter by giving her the message that you don't expect her to have the resilience to be able to earn a living, while completely dismissing the challenges that your older one faces.

Honestly, this whole scenario is an absolute textbook for how to destroy family relationships right through to the next generations. Take a long, long look in the mirror, get some good legal advice from a solicitor who will not be afraid to tell it like it is, and probably some therapy to help you unpick the reasons why you are re-enacting your own family of origin conflicts through your daughter.

If DD2 struggles, she may be better in a flat rather than a house that's too big for her. Sell both houses and split the money equally. Your Poor DD1, it's really unfair on her.

I understand what you feel re dd2, but you are being extremely unfair to dd1.

What happens if your mother needs a care home? There won’t be a house. So she gets nothing?

Put yourself in her shoes, you are showing favouritism to your disabled daughter, as someone has a disabled family member I know how it feels for that person to take priority over everything else, no days out because xx didn’t want to go, no parties as xx couldn’t cope with them, only certain places we could go to, and now you are saying dd1 May end up with nothing

You need to divide your estate between your children, it’s the only fair thing to do. Dd1 is already showing bitterness according to you, and it’s only likely to get worse