Wills related are we being unreasonable to leave our house to just one DD

[fortifiedwithtea]

We are mid fifties still have not made our wills. We have 2 daughters. However I have been open with the eldest girl that the house is to be left to her younger sister.

Our DD1 love her to bits but she’s not the easiest of character. I would describe her as highly strung And suffers with anxiety But doesn’t take any medication. She has been with her partner 4 years, he lives with us too. She has one more year of uni. Afterwards she is likely to move to another part of the Country and will most likely have an extremely well paid career.

However, DD2 has a learning disability and is dx with bi polar. She is unlikely to be able to live independently without support. Her greatest fear is that in the future she will be homeless. She has no qualifications and will struggle to get a job or keep it frankly as she has disorganised thinking.

I have reassured DD2 that she will never be without a home. Dd1 has told her quite bitterly in the past that she doesn’t need to worry as shes getting the house.

I went out with DD1 the other night and death came up in conversation because I am not well and I not likely to reach the great age of my own mum who is still going strong at 84.

I am an only child. Assuming my mum doesn’t ever need to go into a home, I will inherit her house. I told DD1 that if I inherited my mum’s house I would pass that on to DD1 and Dd2 would get our family home.

Dd2 said she understood my wishes but didn’t think it was fair.

I want to be open about wills with dd1 because of my experience with my Dad. He was the youngest of 3 . His eldest sister died young. She was also widowed at the time of her passing leaving an only son. His other sister is still alive at 94 and has lived in a nursing home for the past 4 years.My Dad assumed I would inherit the grandparents home and with that assumption put in his will that if my mum and him died at the same time their house could not be sold until DD2 was 25 and then the estate would be split 3 equal ways.

Lesson from that never assume an inheritance!

I was quite shocked at my Dad’s will. He passed when DD2 was only 5. I could have been liable to upkeep a house I could not sell for 20 years! As my mum survived him his entire estate went to her. She then made a new will that everything should go to me..

How can I fairly financially protect my girls?

What if I die within the next few years and my DH gets a new wife? What then?

Please talk to your eldest again.
I think you should set the will up so your share is Willed to both DDs, but only after your DH dies, that DD2 gets to live at home.
After your DH dies, the house is sold and a flat purchased, the extra funds got to DD1.
The flat is for DD2 for life, unless she goes into care, in which case DD1 or Grandchildren gets the flat. Maybe to rent out income less maintenance goes to DD2. Otherwise your DD2 will be resented by DD1 and could just be abandoned when she actually needs her family.

@StarryStarrySocks

A better plan would be to sell both houses and split the money between your 2 daughters. Your DD2 could buy a flat or something, she doesn't need the family home.

Exactly.

How can you be so unthinking in terms of how this will make DD1 feel? You've already started by saying she's not the easiest character.

I believe that wills & inheritances are a matter for the people concerned, absolutely. I don't think anyone should feel entitled.

That being said, you are creating a feeling of inequity & imbalance, having told DDs that you will favour one more than the other.

Even regarding your DM's house, it sounds like an afterthought.

Work out the likely finance available from the house & split that.

When your DD is in work after qualifying and has grown up a bit she will see why you have to do this. My youngest has LD's and other issues. She works part time, but would struggle with independent living. I'm making arrangements that she owns the house we live in. In her case she can give her two siblings £10k each, which they've agreed that they are happy with. I appreciate that your DD can't do that.
You need proper legal advice on this. If your DH solely inherits then your DD'S could be cut out.
You also need to just start to be aware of what provision is available for your DD. There will be charities offering full residential supported living.

People don't fully understand complex LD's and this thread shows this. They aren't comparable to posters stating their conditions but managing independent living/jobs etc. The term 'coddle' was even used. People who have severe LD's do need a level of care and planning for. What the OP is suggesting isn't coddling, it's planning for her DD's needs @GreenTreess.

Posters suggesting selling the houses aren't getting that this would mean temporary homeless and possibly not being entitled to benefits for the disabled DD. It could leave her high and dry.

I have been in this situation, my parents left the family home to a sibling and a larger proportion of their investments. I realise why they did it, they though that my sibling had greater health problems and needed somewhere to live. Knowing this didn’t help the unfairness of it all and the upset and resentment it caused between us all. We still don’t communicate because of something my mother did. I would always advise a fair split between all children to avoid unnecessary pain, it’s still upsetting to me ( years later) not necessarily because of the money but the fact they became a priority and it feels they were more ‘loved’.

I feel sorry for DD1. Even if you can logically justify it, she will always think you loved her less on some level. I know from experience. It's not about the money in lots of ways, it is a final reflection of the way you feel about your two daughters. Don't do this!

That's an appalling way to treat your own daughters. If my mother was merrily planning such a thing in regard to my own very dear sister, I would think she had lost the plot. Either leave your estate equally between them or give it to a dogs' home.

There are so many people who are vulnerable living on the streets and in precarious situations..... Like it or not dd who has the learning difficulties needs to be your priority. Safeguard her home for her and anything else should go to your other daughter.
I actually wish my mum had done this for my sister instead of us getting a small inheritance each (( there are 4 of us)) she's now approaching 50. Does have issues and will never be self supporting and is in an extremely precarious housing situation. Having a home already paid for would have saved so much stress for everyone. Sadly at the time we couldnt see that far ahead.

Cross post with @Hopeisallineed - totally agree with this!

But DD1 does not have any cash or property. She may in the future (these things are never certain), and if that happens the decision could be re-visited. Given that DD1 also has anxiety, it seems a bit rich to berate her for not 'recognising her own good luck'. The situation in your family is not comparable.
Don't remember explaining the details of the my mum and uncles situations for you to state it's not comparable? Bottom line is that mum was able to live independently and uncle wasn't. That's all anyone here needs to know. Mum had her own problems, but like the DD1 here, making her own way in the world wasn't one of them. That's her good luck and she knows it.

My mothers will is unequal and I understand to an extent her logic for it but it has caused no end of issues.
She has dementia now and is in a home and the will has become a real issue (although my argument that it means nothing until she's dead falls on deaf ears)
I get nothing so have no skin in the game although I am bitter that I am once again left to do all the work (I'm LPA and executor and sorted out all the logistics of her care and declining health) and get not even a token nod. It feels like my mums final fuck you (we haven't always had the best relationship) and due to the attitude of some of my siblings I feel like I should just say nope not doing it and walk away. Problem is I feel it is cruel to walk away and leave my very vulnerable mum to the whims of my siblings which can vary from dedicated children to self centred sods in the blink of an eye and isn't really balanced by my mums disinterested social worker. My breaking point is coming soon though.
I suspect the issues risen by it have broken my relationship with one of my siblings to the extent that when mum dies that will be the end of our relationship too.

This is a really bad idea, even before you consider the effect it will have on family relationships.

If your DD2 has assets, she won’t be able to claim benefits or support towards social care costs so will loose the house anyway.

This scenario would be much more distressing than moving out of your family home.

What does your DH think about this 'plan'? You need to get proper legal advice and sort it out. And yes, you are being incredibly unfair - to both daughters.

It doesn't sound like DD2 could cope with independent living and the big responsibility of home ownership, and DD1 is being treated appallingly. You are risking your own relationship with your daughters and also creating a nasty outcome for their sibling relationship.

@Ponoka7

When your DD is in work after qualifying and has grown up a bit she will see why you have to do this. My youngest has LD's and other issues. She works part time, but would struggle with independent living. I'm making arrangements that she owns the house we live in. In her case she can give her two siblings £10k each, which they've agreed that they are happy with. I appreciate that your DD can't do that. You need proper legal advice on this. If your DH solely inherits then your DD'S could be cut out. You also need to just start to be aware of what provision is available for your DD. There will be charities offering full residential supported living.

People don't fully understand complex LD's and this thread shows this. They aren't comparable to posters stating their conditions but managing independent living/jobs etc. The term 'coddle' was even used. People who have severe LD's do need a level of care and planning for. What the OP is suggesting isn't coddling, it's planning for her DD's needs @GreenTreess.

Posters suggesting selling the houses aren't getting that this would mean temporary homeless and possibly not being entitled to benefits for the disabled DD. It could leave her high and dry.

Just because one child may need more care you cannot show favouritism. I am well aware of learning difficulties thank you. Children who are siblings of those with additional needs often feel this favouritism the most greatly. Just because OP may think her DD1 may land on her feet doesn't mean she will, those with the best jobs can suddenly lose them.

The best support DD2 will get is from family so it would be unfair to possibly turn DD1 against her. They need each other in the event anything happens.

IME extremely well paid careers come with high levels of pressure and stress. If your elder daughter suffers with anxiety then it is rather a leap to assume she will be able to handle going into a job like that after graduating, or stay in it for a long time.

It sounds like you just don’t really like your elder daughter to be honest. Why is her anxiety (which is a serious mental health issue) something to be glossed over and described as her being “highly strung” whereas poor little DD2’s bipolar disorder is something you actually take seriously enough for it to lead you to disinherit your other child?

I agree with @Thehouseofmarvels. From a financial perspective you need some specialist advice around trust funds.

Yabu. All this will serve to do is breed resentment between DC1 and DC2, which is surely the opposite of what you want and DC2 needs?

I used to work in probate and favouring one child over the other (no matter what 'good reasons' you think you have) is a guaranteed way to absolutely destroy the relaitonship between your children-and to destory the relationshio you will have with your DD1 considering you TOLD her blatantly of your favouritism.You are just setting up for decades of pain and hurt

I completely agree.

If you want to guarantee your older child feels totally unloved and wants nothing more to do with you or her sister ever again, carry on. The younger sister-if her difficulties are so significant that he can’t work to support herself, is unlikely to be able to manage or afford to live in a family home. She won’t have the older sister to help her either as why the bloody hell should she?!

I actually think it’s vile you are completely disregarding DD1’s mental health problems, but prepared to throw all your money and end relationships over DD2’s.

I have reassured DD2 that she will never be without a home

What if DD1’s anxiety means she doesn’t get this well paid job and ends up without a home??

And if you do sell and buy another property dont get a flat. These pretty much always have a maintenance charge of a few grand a year. Which your daughter will then be liable for.

I think that's awful tbh. Why can't both properties by split between both children

I think you are absolutely right to be open about your will. Although, technically, wills are about money, to inheritors they are also about your judgment as to the value of your children.

On the other hand, I do think it somewhat grasping of both your children to be thinking about their inheritance so early, rather than enjoying their mother’s company while alive. After all, you are likely to live a good few years yet, even if unwell.

Although you have your suspicions about the future, you cannot possibly know. The successful, though anxious daughter, may end up not holding down a job and the other one may marry a multi millionaire.

I would seek professional advice and just make a 50/50 will at the moment. Tell them that you love them both equally and no further will discussion will be tolerated for at least 10 years.

If, over time, their lives pan out as you expect, you can change the will and explain why.

I feel very sorry for your DD1 how awful to be treated like that by your own parents

Go to a solicitor and take proper advice. It might be more tax efficient to sell the home and put provisions for DD2 into a trust. And if your mother outlives you, you have no idea about what she plans to do with her property. Also have a good think about if there are other things you can leave DD1 - Jewlery, art, pension pots . You might be able to gift some money now - no tax, into an investment fund for DD1? Or make a deposit into a help to buy ISA? There really are quite a few options beyond just leaving DD1 with nothing, but you’ll need proper financial advice. What ever you do, do it quick.

By highly strung, do you mean "I do things to upset her but don't ever consider changing my own behaviour and instead blame her MH"?

That's what my dad means when he calls me "highly strung". I don't speak to him very much any more!

This is a recipe for disaster and leaving your DD1 feeling like second best.

How is the relationship between the 2 girls are they close?

Do you anticipate DD2 will live with you until you die?

You have mentioned that DD1 will be relocating due to work?

As someone who has watched my parents tear their hair out trying to support relatives miles away the kindest thing you could do for your daughters is to get the youngest set up to live near your oldest whilst still alive. If possible relocate yourself.

It is very likely that your eldest will become a carer for her sister and you need to recognise that.

This will depend on how close your daughters are, how much capacity your youngest has and how responsible you eldest is but I would be inclined to leave half to each with the eldest as a trustee of the the youngest.

The eldest can then either buy a house with an annex for the youngest to live in relatively independent or she can set her up in a secure flat and help manage her day to day finances.

The worst case scenario with your current plan (excluding anything happening to DD1) is DD2 spends/loses all the money and DD1 has to manage picking up the pieces and investing her own money (without an inheritance) into supporting her sister. If her sister doesn't live near she may have to do this at the expense of her own career, children or relationship due to travelling back and forth.

You need to think about this very carefully and have a plan for the rest of your DPs and your life and death that both DDs agree with. I suspect it isn't going to be loads of cash your DD2 needs but the emotional and practical support of her sister .

Saying that you'll just leave DD2 with a massive house and some cash is the last thing you will do as a parent and is an irresponsible and frankly shit move.

Gosh, I feel sorry for your first daughter.

I think you should split the inheritance equally. A will is made on the basis of information known at the time; but this could change. Your eldest could have a life-changing accident or get very ill. Your youngest could win the lottery.

The only way to divide your inheritance without causing terrible distress is for it to be equal.