Wills related are we being unreasonable to leave our house to just one DD

[fortifiedwithtea]

We are mid fifties still have not made our wills. We have 2 daughters. However I have been open with the eldest girl that the house is to be left to her younger sister.

Our DD1 love her to bits but she’s not the easiest of character. I would describe her as highly strung And suffers with anxiety But doesn’t take any medication. She has been with her partner 4 years, he lives with us too. She has one more year of uni. Afterwards she is likely to move to another part of the Country and will most likely have an extremely well paid career.

However, DD2 has a learning disability and is dx with bi polar. She is unlikely to be able to live independently without support. Her greatest fear is that in the future she will be homeless. She has no qualifications and will struggle to get a job or keep it frankly as she has disorganised thinking.

I have reassured DD2 that she will never be without a home. Dd1 has told her quite bitterly in the past that she doesn’t need to worry as shes getting the house.

I went out with DD1 the other night and death came up in conversation because I am not well and I not likely to reach the great age of my own mum who is still going strong at 84.

I am an only child. Assuming my mum doesn’t ever need to go into a home, I will inherit her house. I told DD1 that if I inherited my mum’s house I would pass that on to DD1 and Dd2 would get our family home.

Dd2 said she understood my wishes but didn’t think it was fair.

I want to be open about wills with dd1 because of my experience with my Dad. He was the youngest of 3 . His eldest sister died young. She was also widowed at the time of her passing leaving an only son. His other sister is still alive at 94 and has lived in a nursing home for the past 4 years.My Dad assumed I would inherit the grandparents home and with that assumption put in his will that if my mum and him died at the same time their house could not be sold until DD2 was 25 and then the estate would be split 3 equal ways.

Lesson from that never assume an inheritance!

I was quite shocked at my Dad’s will. He passed when DD2 was only 5. I could have been liable to upkeep a house I could not sell for 20 years! As my mum survived him his entire estate went to her. She then made a new will that everything should go to me..

How can I fairly financially protect my girls?

What if I die within the next few years and my DH gets a new wife? What then?

How much help does dd2 need though? If she can be never live independently then you better start planning and researching to ensure that she is looked after properly.
Friend has a sister who is living in very supportive living. Leaving her huge amounts of money would just interrupt the funding in place for her and would not make any difference to her quality of life. So friends parents are leaving house to friend and a more modest sum in trust to meet her other needs. Friend will always have responsibility for her well being.
If half the family home is enough to buy a modest flat then do that and leave the rest to dd1.

Whatever you do (and please don’t do your original plan unless you want your DD2 to have no support from your DD1 after your death) get trust advice for whatever share goes to DD2 and make sure you arrange things so she gets enough cash to maintain whatever property she buys / is left. A good solicitor sees this sort of thing all the time and will advise you of all the pitfalls.

DD1 is griping at her sister for a decision you’ve made and isn’t her fault.
DD2 doesn’t think your decision to give it all to her is fair, regardless of good intentions.
Neither of your children are happy, so come up with a different plan. They certainly won’t have each other after you’re gone if this is what you’re going to leave them with.
Selling your estate and splitting it seems much more sensible, a manageable property can be bought for the youngest and the eldest can also put towards a property of her own.

If DD2 has such disabilities that she can't work then how do you expect her to maintain the house?

Everything should be sold and split. DD2s can be put to a small flat

Similar position here. Our youngest daughter has health problems. 2 older siblings have their own homes. We spoke to the older ones about it and have put in the will that the youngest daughter can live in the home as long as she needs to. If she decides to move out the house will be sold and the money shared. It all becomes irrelevant if we need care and the house has to be sold for the care but I think there is some law where it can’t be sold if it is a vulnerable persons home as well

If DD2 is unable to live independently without support, then surely the most important thing you can do for her is to work out how she will cope when you have passed? Simply leaving her with a house and a disgruntled sister is unlikely to be the answer.

Also, you have no idea what the future may hold. DD2 need more financial support now but who knows what might happen to DD1 in the future. Maybe she'll fall on hard times and end up worse off.

The worst case scenario with your current plan (excluding anything happening to DD1) is DD2 spends/loses all the money and DD1 has to manage picking up the pieces and investing her own money (without an inheritance) into supporting her sister. If her sister doesn't live near she may have to do this at the expense of her own career, children or relationship due to travelling back and forth.

I think the worst case scenario is DD2 not coping with a family home and her bi-polar, then ending up in a terrible situation with money/debt, men taking advantage of her living situation etc and DD1 not helping and never speaking to her again because you have caused this terrible situation between them!

What if I die within the next few years and my DH gets a new wife? What then?

This is known as the sideways inheritance trap, and is best prevented by use of a lifetime interest trust foresightwills.co.uk/avoiding-the-sideways-disinheritance-trap/

No I wouldn’t do that
I’d split 50:50
Personally x

Look you need to see a Soliciter and just write the damm things

You need specialist advice; find a solicitor who deals with wills/learning disabilities.

I dont think it's fair It's not dd1 fault she hasn't got a disability anymore than it's dd2 fault she has one.

Talk about division. You will massively damage your relationship and theirs

My brother is divorced and supporting 3 kids He has to rent a flat while his ex lives in family
Home with 3 kids.
He pays most bills for the home

I'm married. Big house dh good earner.

Should I get less because he has had more bad luck.

Split 50/50 fair on both and dd2 could hopefully get a flat, if she is unlikely to live an independent life a family home will be an overwhelming burden vs a flat or small 1 bedroom type house she has a better chance of taking care of and cheaper bills, repairs etc.

@NeverMetANiceOne

I feel very sorry for your DD1.

Me too. I'm guessing your first child has already lost out over the years because of her sister's disabilities - no wonder she has anxiety.

I do understand that you want your second child to have a home, and it's a pity that you clearly can't rely on your older daughter to make sure that happens, though it sounds like she is still quite young if she is at university. But it would be fairer to leave things so you know your younger daughter will have a home, and leave the excess to your older daughter. As a pp said, your daughter doesn't need your current home, a smaller house or flat will suffice.

As for your DH getting a new wife, you need to ensure that your half of your shared assets is ring-fenced for your daughters. Maybe you could also ask your mother to leapfrog you and leave her assets to your daughters as it doesn't sound like you need them.

I'd suggest taking legal advice and paying for a properly drafted will.

It will really be best and fair for you to split your estate equally. If your younger daughter struggles the way you say, I’m not sure if she would cope in a family sized house? Once you are gone, you really don’t want there to be resentment between the two siblings if DD2 needs support.

I agree that you are being unfair to DD1, you never know how life will pan out for either of your DDs. I often feel sorry for the siblings of children with needs as they are often assumed to not need the same attention, and have to put up with always being second.

Also, you really do need to get around to making said wills or you will have no say in what happens.

You need to seek (and accept that you will need to pay for) specialist advice on the options here. In the nicest possible way you are looking at this in much too simplistic terms when it is actually quite a complicated situation.

It is far, far better to spend a few thousand pounds now accessing proper advice, and (if appropriate) properly drafted trusts being put in place than having a simple will drafted that creates more problems than it solves.

Please don't wait, in your circumstances more than most it really is imperative you get a will in place ASAP.

I feel sorry for your DD1, you've told her in no uncertain terms that she means less to you than DD2.
The wording you use in your post to describe DD1 is not very nice and leads me to think you don't like her very much.
I'd be very hurt if I were your DD1 and I certainly wouldn't be supporting DD2 when you were no longer here, I'd walk away from the lot of you.
Very hurtful.

@NeverMetANiceOne

I feel very sorry for your DD1.

I also feel very sorry for DD1

To those who are calling me vile. Please take a moment to process that I am already disabled and if you read my other thread at best am facing blood condition that may turn cancerous or at worst have an incurable bone cancer. Please be kind.

DD1 have always had a very open say it like it is relationship. She is my emergency contact. She has asked that if I need to go to hospital she is my designated visitor. This is why we are having this talk now.

People who have said DD2 won’t cope with a large house. Yes you are right, think I needed to have that spelled out. Its a large garden on 3 sides too we struggle now between the 5 of us to maintain. I was hoping DD2 could stay here because its so ideally located and its the comfort of being the family home. I am worried moving will upset her mental health. But yes you’re right in the long run it won’t be practical for her.

I never want for DD1 to be responsible for her younger sister. As individuals they are very different. I absolutely do not want dd1 to become her sister’s carer. That would be dreadful for both of them.

Is there a register of specialist solicitors in this area. We definitely need professional help to get this right.

Looking at it practically with your DD2's diagnosis, will it be practiceable for her to manage a large (presumably) family house? Are you also leaving her money for it's upkeep and running of it and of taking care of her?

Would your DD2 not be better in a sheltered housing type place as she gets older and you are not around to be there for her?

Or are you expecting your DD1 to be taking care of her sister as well?

@Howshouldibehave

The worst case scenario with your current plan (excluding anything happening to DD1) is DD2 spends/loses all the money and DD1 has to manage picking up the pieces and investing her own money (without an inheritance) into supporting her sister. If her sister doesn't live near she may have to do this at the expense of her own career, children or relationship due to travelling back and forth.

I think the worst case scenario is DD2 not coping with a family home and her bi-polar, then ending up in a terrible situation with money/debt, men taking advantage of her living situation etc and DD1 not helping and never speaking to her again because you have caused this terrible situation between them!

Both those things. When you're gone, your DD1 will almost certainly have to take on some caring responsibilities for her sister. She will feel a heavy responsibly if she is anything like the person I know who is on this position with his sister. And I can only imagine how galling it will be for her to have to give that care and support to her sister in the house that she has been denied any part of.

It sounds to me that DD 2 will not be capable of running her own home without huge difficulty, and as above, probably being taken advantage of.

What you need to be doing is talking to a specialist expert who deals with wills and special needs/trusts etc. And you should be looking into sorted living for DD 2. My mums extra care facility (simply a block of flats with carers and support workers based there) has many residents like your DD. It would be a much safer environment for her.

You should split it equally or nothing to the daughter with the disability as giving her the house might well mess up her benefit entitlement - if you do nothing at least seek legal and benefits advice.

Supported living, not sorted!

So definitely draw up a will ASAP.

If the house is yours, you should definitely stipulate that it should go to your children (DD1, DD2 or both) but DH can stay there until he dies - I am assuming DD2 will stay in the house with her DF until at least this point.

The way you are dividing assets up does seem very harsh - would DD2 be able to maintain your house by herself? Would she be better in some sort of sheltered accommodation / flat?

Sounds like DD1 might have some problems to face down the line as well

Is there another family you can speak to with disabled children to see how they are providing for them?

At the moment your concern seems to be all about your DDs but what about your DH?

If he needs care in old age, by taking away the house you will be essentially throwing him on the mercy of the state. Many care homes cost more than the state is willing to pay for. This in itself could create a huge burden especially for DD1. She would be stuck having to look for a suitable place for DH knowing all the while that there is an asset which is tied up for the benefit of DD2. So again DD1 loses out but gets all the work.