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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband throwing tantrum about cars..

292 replies

MouseDeMuir · 13/08/2021 08:19

Hello lovely people of mumsnet.

I need some help.
My husband and I have been together 10 years.
We have a 3 year old and I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant.
We both work, me part time very close to home and him full time, but his commute is 280 miles a week.
We have 2 cars. One very small 2 door car, that's very economical and does 80mpg, and one bigger estate car that can fit car seats and dogs and is much newer but only does around 40mpg.
My husband had a hard up bringing, and on the whole is a very kind and caring person, but he's very materialistic. He worries about what people think if he drives a small or old car. I honestly couldn't care less about how things look, as long as they work!
Until now, he has used the 'new ' big car to commute to work, while I take our son and dogs to my mother's house every day in the little old car. It's fine but it does mean I struggle to put everyone in and It would be easier in a 5 door car..

Anyway.. at the end of every month my husband has no money left. He claims it all goes on fuel.
We pay equally into our mortgage and bills, and I pay for the food shopping, despite earning around £500 a month less than him as I work part time, but he still ends up borrowing money from me to get by until the end of the month.

So.. I suggested we swap cars..

To me this makes sense because:

  1. We bought the car half and half each.
  2. The little car would be cheaper to run him Commute.
  3. It would put less miles on a newer car, hence preserving the value better.
  4. I have the children and dogs to take and collect daily, so wouldn't it make more sense for me to use the 'family' car.

But he just says he hates the other car, it's too slow and looks shit.
He says I'll make the other car dirty with the dogs and the kids, and won't treat it with respect..
Since this conversation he hasn't spoken to me.. won't look at me. Just sulks.

I honestly don't know where to go from here..
It sounds daft to consider breaking up over a car, but honestly this is how he is with anything materialistic.. he's all about image and I really can't live like this anymore..

Am I being a hormonal crazy lady ?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 13/08/2021 08:21

He sulks and won’t even look at you

That’s a reason to break up, forget the cars

DancesWithTortoises · 13/08/2021 08:21

Tell him to grow up and stop sulking. I hate sulky men.

Hadalifeonce · 13/08/2021 08:23

It makes total economic sense for him to use the smaller car. It's very sad that a grown man is sulking over a perfectly reasonable suggestion.

Somuddled · 13/08/2021 08:23

Really silly of him. I can understand wanting a nicer car for the long drive but only if you can afford to run it. Sulking is so pathetic for any adult.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 13/08/2021 08:23

LTB

PyjamaFan · 13/08/2021 08:23

Sulking and not talking is pathetic.

Personally I couldn't live with a man who cares so much about image and what people think about him. Family finances are so much more important.

Cuddlyrottweiler · 13/08/2021 08:24

You paid equally for the car so you have as much right to use it for a start.

But your logic makes perfect sense. He doesn't need the bigger car for just him. You do need a bigger car.

Ask him what people will think about seeing him in the big new car, and allowing his family to be crammed into a little car? Just makes him look like a selfish poser.

Bagelsandbrie · 13/08/2021 08:24

You have bigger problems than the car.

Unequal finances and sulking would be a deal breaker for me.

LawnFever · 13/08/2021 08:24

He sounds ridiculous, if he doesn’t want to drive the smaller car he needs to pay to upgrade it, he’s the one working full time - where is all the money going? It can’t really be in petrol can it? How much does he earn, what are your other outgoings?

bitcheeky · 13/08/2021 08:24

Maybe focus on how much cash would he have to spare if he used the more economical car …?

BeetleyCarapace · 13/08/2021 08:25

These sums don’t really add up. 280 miles a week isn’t an enormous commute, it seems odd that he’s claiming to spend all his money on fuel. It just doesn’t stack up and I wonder if it’s actually going elsewhere.

It also sounds like you need a slightly bigger car, regardless of what he drives.

But I agree with pp, the cars are a red herring here.

DismantledKing · 13/08/2021 08:25

He’s a twat.

nimbuscloud · 13/08/2021 08:25

It’s not the car that’s the problem.

Constellationstation · 13/08/2021 08:25

At the risk of sounding dramatic, your husband not talking to you or looking at you is stonewalling and it’s considered a form of abuse. That’s definitely a reason to break up in my experience

Parker231 · 13/08/2021 08:25

@Bagelsandbrie

You have bigger problems than the car.

Unequal finances and sulking would be a deal breaker for me.

Totally agree
Bluntness100 · 13/08/2021 08:27

What a twat though, sulking like a kid and wanting to show off when he’s skint. I couldn’t be doing with that.

Macncheeseballs · 13/08/2021 08:27

I'd share your money so there's just one pot, and I'd let him get another car if he wants it, but you should have the bigger one for now

Ragwort · 13/08/2021 08:27

He sounds financially abusive, why are you paying for all the food if you earn so much less than him? The car is the least of your problems.

Has he always been like this? Who made the choice to have a second baby?

So, so many threads like this ... awkward, abusive, difficult, unsupportive DH/DP and then always 'and I am currently pregnant with my second/third/fourth baby' Sad

I know that's not a very helpful thing to say but hopefully it might make other women think before they find themselves in a similar situation.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 13/08/2021 08:28

If you chose to leave him you would not be leaving him over a car.
The car is a symptom.
You'd be leaving him because he's a selfish mardy man child who doesn't pull his weight.
Sulkers are pathetic.

LittleFroggie · 13/08/2021 08:29

Can you sell both cars and get two cheaper compromise cars?

BettyBakesBuns · 13/08/2021 08:29

My DD and her DH had this situation when their first DC was born. They also have dogs. My son in law was perfectly happy to start using the smaller (lower status) car, because he's not a sulky prat.

The reason he's sulking and not looking at you is because he knows full well his stance is completely unreasonable.

Ourlady · 13/08/2021 08:30

All kinds of things wrong here...The car...The money situation!
Can you be more assertive and tell him you are having the bigger car and that's that.
I would also be having a discussion about where all of his money is going.
Might as well air everything at once then he can go in one joint big huff till he gets over himself. If he doesn't then it's time to rethink your future together.

Unanananana · 13/08/2021 08:34

Where is all his money going? I think that is the biggest question. I had a very similar situation with exH and it turns out it was gambling and drinking. Eerily similar right down to the sulking when I couldn't give him petrol beer money.

The sulking is vile. Have you pointed out that sulking is unnattractive and juvenile as well as plain nasty?

You should use the bigger car. That is a no-brainer.

Macncheeseballs · 13/08/2021 08:35

280 miles a week sounds alot to me, in a shit car, maybe you could swap the big nice car for a small nice car for him and swap the small shit one for a big shit one for you

dancinfeet · 13/08/2021 08:35

He is a twat for sulking, but YABU wanting to take the dogs in the nice car, I can see why he doesn't want you to do that.