Husband throwing tantrum about cars..

[MouseDeMuir]

Hello lovely people of mumsnet.

I need some help.
My husband and I have been together 10 years.
We have a 3 year old and I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant.
We both work, me part time very close to home and him full time, but his commute is 280 miles a week.
We have 2 cars. One very small 2 door car, that's very economical and does 80mpg, and one bigger estate car that can fit car seats and dogs and is much newer but only does around 40mpg.
My husband had a hard up bringing, and on the whole is a very kind and caring person, but he's very materialistic. He worries about what people think if he drives a small or old car. I honestly couldn't care less about how things look, as long as they work!
Until now, he has used the 'new ' big car to commute to work, while I take our son and dogs to my mother's house every day in the little old car. It's fine but it does mean I struggle to put everyone in and It would be easier in a 5 door car..

Anyway.. at the end of every month my husband has no money left. He claims it all goes on fuel.
We pay equally into our mortgage and bills, and I pay for the food shopping, despite earning around £500 a month less than him as I work part time, but he still ends up borrowing money from me to get by until the end of the month.

So.. I suggested we swap cars..

To me this makes sense because:

1. We bought the car half and half each.
2. The little car would be cheaper to run him Commute.
3. It would put less miles on a newer car, hence preserving the value better.
4. I have the children and dogs to take and collect daily, so wouldn't it make more sense for me to use the 'family' car.

But he just says he hates the other car, it's too slow and looks shit.
He says I'll make the other car dirty with the dogs and the kids, and won't treat it with respect..
Since this conversation he hasn't spoken to me.. won't look at me. Just sulks.

I honestly don't know where to go from here..
It sounds daft to consider breaking up over a car, but honestly this is how he is with anything materialistic.. he's all about image and I really can't live like this anymore..

Am I being a hormonal crazy lady ?

@RandomLondoner

I've lost count of the threads on here where some women say they don't give a shit what a car is like, as long as it gets them from A to B. This attitude is a lot less common in men. Just because you don't give a shit, it doesn't mean other people are obliged to feel the same way.

I know it's wrong to second-guess an OP's facts, but, projecting my own preferences, I honestly don't believe it's merely about image for him. I think this is just OP's way of conveying "it's about things that I don't give a toss about and don't want you to have any sympathy for." For many car owners, especially male ones, there are a lot of ways a nicer car is better. And even to the extent it is about appearence, how many women criticising him would be willing to wear shit ugly clothes because they "do the job" and looking good is just stupid vanity that family money shouldn't be wasted on? Women often claim that they dress nicely for themselves, not other people. Driving a nice car might serve the same purpose with regard to appearances. The driver may not actually care what other people think, yet still feel better in himself when he's nicely "dressed".

There are very few male car drivers who would not be morose if told by their wife they need to lose the car they like and start driving a shit car. (Having said that, there are very few that expect their wife to pay to pay towards their nice car, he should be paying for it entirely himself.)

If he were single or if they had ample disposable income he could have whatever ego extension he wanted. However he is a father with responsibilities and like many parents cannot afford big luxury buys for himself as well as his share of the family expenses. I hear plenty of men dismissing and disparaging women who buy luxury items, including men who themselves spend a fortune on their own hobbies and preferences.

The nature of his luxury preferences is secondary to the fact that they don't have the money to pay for them. He is behaving like a single man with the OP as his parent topping up his pocket money when he has spent it all on sweets.

I think it depends if he commutes on the motorway, surely a bigger car is better for this?

@Shade17

That’s about 15mpg. What do you drive?

Yeah, probably nearer to 13/14mpg on the commute. I use my trusty old M5 for commuting, it’s the perfect tool for it, a nice place to spend 15 hrs a week with plenty of grunt when required.

Nice. I believer cars are to be driven not looked at. My 911 gets a reasonable amount of use and a similar mpg at times.

How did it go OP?

NoSquirrels it involves one of the busier stretches of motorway in the country. Usually 1h40 there and 1hr20 back. Record was 3hrs there. It’s 25 miles each way. A big comfy car with loads of power is ideal but I agree you have to not give a shit about fuel costs. With an e60 M5 though fuel costs are the least of your worries!

I've lost count of the threads on here where some women say they don't give a shit what a car is like, as long as it gets them from A to B.

Not me. My husband suggested we buy a small electric car for me to commute. I makes financial sense (at the moment) but for me, smiles per gallon is more important than miles per gallon.

(Having said that, there are very few that expect their wife to pay to pay towards their nice car, he should be paying for it entirely himself.)

Technically, I paid for my husband’s very nice car in full. He expected me to pay because I had more money in my bank account than him. However, we are an all money is shared money couple, so it makes no difference who actually pays for what.

It is finnacial abuse im afraid op-hope the talk went ok things need to realy change

@Shade17

NoSquirrels it involves one of the busier stretches of motorway in the country. Usually 1h40 there and 1hr20 back. Record was 3hrs there. It’s 25 miles each way. A big comfy car with loads of power is ideal but I agree you have to not give a shit about fuel costs. With an e60 M5 though fuel costs are the least of your worries!

Blimey - fair enough then, Shade. If you’re spending that long in it and you can afford it a d it makes you happy, why not, I guess. As a PP says above, we all have our luxuries if we can afford them - in OP’s case though it seems her DH/the family can’t afford it. Reality bites!

We used to have two similarly sized cars and when I wanted something bigger for prom and car seat, we agreed it made sense for DH to get a smaller car for his single person commute. So for the last decade I have driven "the big family wagon" while he has driven the small hatch. We made sure it was always something he could have fun driving, and whoever was doing the parenting got the big car, we also use it for holidays, tip trips and so on. It's an entirely reasonable conversation which is had in many households up and down the country. Your DH needs to come back to reality as his current position is based firmly in cloud cuckoo land, to your detriment. I hope you had a useful conversation last night and that things more things than just the car are getting resolved.

Sulking is so unattractive. Don’t give him any attention or pander to his strop. You are totally right on this one. He has a car he can’t afford and doesn’t need, just to impress others!

I posted some shit earlier about a bigger car being more comfortable for the daily commute.

However, OP, what jumps out re-reading your original post is:

on the whole is a very kind and caring person, but he's very materialistic. He worries about what people think

and

honestly this is how he is with anything materialistic.. he's all about image and I really can't live like this anymore

So this is the tension in your particular relationship (and all relationships have them). The car is just, aha, a "vehicle" for addressing it.

Good luck sorting out what's important to each of you, and why. This is all going to run quite deep and will not be solved by a quiet discussion one evening, although that's a start!

Good luck OP

The figures don't add up. If you're splitting bills and then you are funding all the food, clothes, dc's expenses and all the other stuff and he's earning a lot more than you he must have upwards of £1k disposable income a month. Yet he struggles to put petrol in his car? How much is the lease on his ego wagon? What else is he spending on that you are unaware of? You need to get to the bottom of all his spending and come up with a fair split of the costs. If you don't the unfairness and expectation on his part will destroy your relationship.

Tell him you'll be driving the bigger car until he pays you back all the loans you've made him.

How did your chat go op?

Another one wondering how it went

At the risk of sounding sexist and making an appalling sweeping generalisation, I think it's a common thing for men to not want to give up the car and go sensible - more so when they were previously piss poor and have now got the means and funds to set that right and have their own.

Even still he's gonna have to act like a grown ass man and father and compromise on something that's more practical, sensible, within your budget and is safe for you to be driving around with the kids.

Lot of the more practical, cheaper to run and relatively new, family type cars look good he needn't be forced to endure the shame of owning and driving a bright yellow Fiat Multipla or anything.

My husband has a Mitsubishi Outlander which I didn't expect to like at all initially cos I'm more of a “Buy cars for a couple of hundred quid off a scrapper and drive them until the wheels are falling off and bumper screaming and screeching along the tarmac” type of person but my kids are grown up now so it's just me and the dogs and a lot of shit to traipse around.

I generally use my car like a mobile tack room and cram it with bales, tack, rugs, ropes, buckets and all that kind of stuff so reluctantly agreed to give up my old knackered out Toyota and now have a VW Tuareg which is thirsty as hell, big, bulky and feels heavy and sluggish but I can get anything, everything and then some in it. The space is unreal. Has roof racks and tow bar too so it's easy enough shoving a trailer on the back and practically driving around with your entire family, friends, pets and home in one go.

Interior seats are wipeable and it's easy to just spray, wipe down muddy pawprints and clear out.

It's worth looking at offers available from used dealerships that have only a few hundred on the clock and it can be worth investing in a decent car with full warranty and servicing so you can pay per month via direct debit and not have the worry or hassle of forking out extra for any breakdowns and repairs.

Not just that but the newer the safer they are and will hold up in the event you are unfortunate to have a prang with kids in the car.

Honestly though a lot of the newer electric cars and off-roaders are loads of fun to drive. I robbed my husband's the first time I took it out for what I said was just a drive down the road to get some milk and put it to the test up over the tops at the arse end of farmland and fields. Had a blast, brought it home absolutely drenched in shit and mud. Decided I liked it after all.

Either way up he's gonna have to stop sulking, meet you halfway and just try out a few cars that suit all your needs and be safe rather than stamp his feet and say it's not fair.

Let him narrow down cars within your range, what he would at least be willing to be seen driving and then arrange a test drive. He might come round much quicker and easier.

We have 1 car bought outright it's 6yrs old and is small car (actually too small for dh) he's 6ft4 and struggles for comfort in it. He only goes a few miles back and forth to work though. He wld like a nicer car but financially doesn't make sense.

I drive the leased car that's very nice brand new big family type (it's gorgeous). I don't do much miles either but I do have the kids to ferry about and get the food shopping etc so need bigger boot for shopping and buggy etc. He uses it sometimes at the wkends.

I wouldn't want him driving a far distance though in a car that was uncomfortable or older more prone to breakdown etc. However it sounds more like he doesn't want it as it's not as new and flashy which is unreasonable. Maybe choose a car that does more miles to the gallon next time though.