Husband throwing tantrum about cars..

[MouseDeMuir]

Hello lovely people of mumsnet.

I need some help.
My husband and I have been together 10 years.
We have a 3 year old and I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant.
We both work, me part time very close to home and him full time, but his commute is 280 miles a week.
We have 2 cars. One very small 2 door car, that's very economical and does 80mpg, and one bigger estate car that can fit car seats and dogs and is much newer but only does around 40mpg.
My husband had a hard up bringing, and on the whole is a very kind and caring person, but he's very materialistic. He worries about what people think if he drives a small or old car. I honestly couldn't care less about how things look, as long as they work!
Until now, he has used the 'new ' big car to commute to work, while I take our son and dogs to my mother's house every day in the little old car. It's fine but it does mean I struggle to put everyone in and It would be easier in a 5 door car..

Anyway.. at the end of every month my husband has no money left. He claims it all goes on fuel.
We pay equally into our mortgage and bills, and I pay for the food shopping, despite earning around £500 a month less than him as I work part time, but he still ends up borrowing money from me to get by until the end of the month.

So.. I suggested we swap cars..

To me this makes sense because:

1. We bought the car half and half each.
2. The little car would be cheaper to run him Commute.
3. It would put less miles on a newer car, hence preserving the value better.
4. I have the children and dogs to take and collect daily, so wouldn't it make more sense for me to use the 'family' car.

But he just says he hates the other car, it's too slow and looks shit.
He says I'll make the other car dirty with the dogs and the kids, and won't treat it with respect..
Since this conversation he hasn't spoken to me.. won't look at me. Just sulks.

I honestly don't know where to go from here..
It sounds daft to consider breaking up over a car, but honestly this is how he is with anything materialistic.. he's all about image and I really can't live like this anymore..

Am I being a hormonal crazy lady ?

I looked so he uses £40ish a week or could spend £20 using the little car.
I would see if he would be willing to Sell your small car and buy a newer small car, with good fuel economy.
Also tell him if he won't swap cars your not giving him any extra money at the end of the month and he had better rework his budget, as your going to upgrade the little car for a better one.

We pay equally into our mortgage and bills, and I pay for the food shopping, despite earning around £500 a month less than him as I work part time, but he still ends up borrowing money from me to get by until the end of the month.

Ignore the cars for now. Start with the family finances.

Why aren’t you adding up family fuel costs x 2 a d family food shopping and paying 50% each? (I mean, you earn less so should actually pay less but leaving that aside for now.)

Start with the family finances.

I am furious on your behalf that he doesn’t pay half the food, fritters away £500 extra a month and then asks you for money. It’s not about the car. It’s about him cheating you out of a fair split of the family income while you are working part-time to look after your joint child! Even if his fuel bill was the equivalent of half the food (and I bet it’s not!), where’s the rest going? Does he buy lunch out every day? Does he buy himself designer clothes? Does he spend it on nights out, gadgets, computer games, drinking, gambling - you need to find out.

I'm currently doing a very similar commute in a car that does 45mpg on average for my trip. I usually fill up 3 times a month, so about £220. Where is the rest of his money going?

His handling of this situation is appalling. What a ridiculous man-child. What you describe is a common issue many families have, and he seems unable to discuss and resolve it. You need two cars - a large family run around that can get grubby and move you all around, and an economical comfortable one for your husband's commute. Neither of your current cars fit the bill so change both of them. But without the drama from your petulant husband!

I think there are two seperate sides to this. I can understand preferring to drive the bigger car. We have a big car and a small car and if the commute is motorway the big car is 1000% comfier and nipping round town the small car is much easier, so I do see that side of his opinion. Don't get it for the status thing, but in our household the big car is 'mine' and the small car is DP's though we will drive each others I do the majority of the motorway miles whereas he does regular short local trips and I wouldn't want to swap cars for this on a 'full time' basis because the small one is less comfortable to sit in for an hour at a time.

The image thing is however bullshit, and agree with other posters that the money side doesn't make sense. I think you need to get to the bottom of this with him in terms of where the fuel money is going.

Moving forward though, maybe you need to compromies on the small car being a nicer and slightly bigger 'small car' that is comfy and capable on the long drives.

You need to look at this from a different way.

He can't be spending blindly on petrol and saying he has no idea money left.
Sit down and go though out goings, all including your weekly food spend.
What do you spend on petrol each week.
What doss he spend.
Work out your essentials properly.
Then you see what you have left.

To then spilt into fun stuff, car stuff... Xmas etc.

It sounds ropey to be about to have a new baby and it's only petrol that's sending you over the edge each mknth.
Get a good grip of the accounts then it's easier to see what's going on. Your fighting blind at the moment.

Yeah - where is his extra money really going?

He needs a set of new friends if he thinks he will be judged on the car he drives. DH was at a firm where the senior people (not him) earned at least £1.5m a year. But they drove around town in an assortment of clapped out 10-15 year old fiats and ford fiestas. I'm sure they had an expensive car at home also, but none of them felt they would be judged for driving something older. If anything, the opposite. That was one of the things DH liked about the place.

I think it’s a bit soon to LTB but he does need to be told that sulking is the way to destroy a relationship and sets a crap example for your kid. It’s self indulgent too, I dumped a sulker once and it was liberating! But you have married and had kids with him so I presume that at heart you really like him. You just want him to change these behaviours.

Just don’t lend him the money to fill ‘his’ car up with.

Tell him, the shit little car is full, but he doesn’t want to be seen in that.

He’s being a prick.

I’d be tempted to tell him that his immature behaviour is pushing me towards ending an otherwise good relationship. Maybe he needs a wake up call.

There's no way it's costing him so much that he can't afford anything else. My car has a similar mpg and I used to do a similar commute. It cost about £30 a week (not inc using at the weekend), maybe £40ish now fuel prices are so high but still not enough to skint someone with a full time income. If he doesn't want to swap cars he should be able to have a proper conversation with you about why so you can come to a solution together instead of sulking, which he's using as a tactic to get what he wants.

Pffft he’s being a tit and he knows it. You have presented the ideal solution and it makes good sense. Rather than relinquish his fashion accessory he’s turned it around on you. He’s punishing you for being right because his vanity trumps all. He’s very selfish.

@Macncheeseballs

280 miles a week sounds alot to me, in a shit car, maybe you could swap the big nice car for a small nice car for him and swap the small shit one for a big shit one for you

This. You’ve both got an unsuitable car.

Go and find an adult.

How did he convince you to buy half of a car only he has used until this point?!

Put your foot down OP. The current setup makes no sense.

He's wasting the extra money.

Every time he is filling up I suspect he's buying crap from the petrol station and also buying crap for lunch.

If he's unhappy with the small car then he needs to stop buying crap, save the money and change it to an economical one he likes.

Oh and I've worked with plenty of couples where the person not taking the children anywhere swaps their car to the smaller one in the household on those days.

My DP cares about what car he drives and I don’t. But he only drives a car he can afford.
Your DP can’t afford the car he has as he’s having to borrow from you, despite it sounding like the split of finances is already uneven.
The sulking etc would bother me tbh and that would be more of a problem but on a practical level I think you need to sell both cars and buy 2 that actually work for what you both need - both having the same budget.

His money is not all going on fuel. That's impossible with the distance he is driving.

You pay equally into bills. You do the family food shop. His fuel costs should be less than/possibly similar to your food shop. He should have a minimum of £500 leftover, because if you can afford bills and food shop on your salary then he can afford bills and fuel without even touching the extra £500 he earns.

He is lieing and he is using that lie to take money from you every month.

Its time too open the bank accounts and put everything on the table. Go through them all. It's also time to change what you pay into bills to reflect the different in your income. You need a family account which covers all family expenses (including his fuel, your fuel and the food shop and anything at all for the kids). That all needs to come out of one account, which you both fill on pay day. You each get to keep a similar amount for your own personal use, but everything else is family expense and needs to be visible to you both.

He's a dickhead.

However if the smaller car is say a Citroen C1 or a Yaris then I'd probably rather not do 50 miles a day in one either. DH is 5ft11 and uncomfortable driving that size car, especially if someone needs to sit behind. You'd maybe be better trading that for a medium car with 5 doors so either can use it easily.

Sort out your budget first. See how much money you (as a family) have. Look at whether the current split of who pays what is fair. For example, I'd argue that food and fuel should come out of the common pot.

In an ideal world you'd both be driving cars that were appropriate for your needs and wants. Forget your current cars and work out what this is. If cars are important to your DH then you should also factor in that it's a need for him to drive a car of a certain type. I don't think it's wrong to care about what your partner "wants" even if you don't care about it yourself.

Look to see if you can afford this. Plan towards making it happen if necessary.

It’s not the car that’s the problem. Ask him for the fuel receipts and do a budget. How will you cope financially when the second baby comes? Will you be going back to work etc….. it’s easier to work this stuff out sooner rather than later. Maybe if he sees it in black and white he will cop him self on and use the smaller car. You’ll also need to look at long term financial goals - will your house be big enough, will you be able to put some money aside every month for your kids college fund, what about retirement? He needs to grow up

How strange.

For someone who cares so much about appearances not to realise people are silently judging him for letting his wife and child struggle.

Practical suggestion, swap the smaller car for a different one.

Not so practical suggestion, swap the husband for a better one.

Curious what make/model/engine size the small car is?

28 miles each way is not a particularly huge commute.