Husband throwing tantrum about cars..

[MouseDeMuir]

Hello lovely people of mumsnet.

I need some help.
My husband and I have been together 10 years.
We have a 3 year old and I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant.
We both work, me part time very close to home and him full time, but his commute is 280 miles a week.
We have 2 cars. One very small 2 door car, that's very economical and does 80mpg, and one bigger estate car that can fit car seats and dogs and is much newer but only does around 40mpg.
My husband had a hard up bringing, and on the whole is a very kind and caring person, but he's very materialistic. He worries about what people think if he drives a small or old car. I honestly couldn't care less about how things look, as long as they work!
Until now, he has used the 'new ' big car to commute to work, while I take our son and dogs to my mother's house every day in the little old car. It's fine but it does mean I struggle to put everyone in and It would be easier in a 5 door car..

Anyway.. at the end of every month my husband has no money left. He claims it all goes on fuel.
We pay equally into our mortgage and bills, and I pay for the food shopping, despite earning around £500 a month less than him as I work part time, but he still ends up borrowing money from me to get by until the end of the month.

So.. I suggested we swap cars..

To me this makes sense because:

1. We bought the car half and half each.
2. The little car would be cheaper to run him Commute.
3. It would put less miles on a newer car, hence preserving the value better.
4. I have the children and dogs to take and collect daily, so wouldn't it make more sense for me to use the 'family' car.

But he just says he hates the other car, it's too slow and looks shit.
He says I'll make the other car dirty with the dogs and the kids, and won't treat it with respect..
Since this conversation he hasn't spoken to me.. won't look at me. Just sulks.

I honestly don't know where to go from here..
It sounds daft to consider breaking up over a car, but honestly this is how he is with anything materialistic.. he's all about image and I really can't live like this anymore..

Am I being a hormonal crazy lady ?

We pay equally into our mortgage and bills, and I pay for the food shopping, despite earning around £500 a month less

Why do you pay the same amount?

280 miles a week

280 ÷ 5 = 56.
56 ÷ 2 = 28.

He drives 28 miles each way. What's he using, rocket fuel?

Stop bailing him out with "loans" every month! Does he ever pay you back? And stop paying more than half when you earn less than half, too.

Time for a good long look at figures on a spreadsheet and some financial decisions that are fair and sustainable. If he won't talk, you could launch a ruthless economy drive on grocery shopping, since you do it, that cuts out all his preferred brands and luxuries. And cut everything only he uses, like his razors and toiletries!

Ooh, the cars are not your biggest problem!

First up, the sulking and not talking to you is - as you said - a tantrum. I would not be putting up with that. And if you were to break up, it will not be over the car, but over his behaviour. But I'm going to put that to one side, because bad as it is, it's still not your biggest problem.

"Anyway.. at the end of every month my husband has no money left. He claims it all goes on fuel.
We pay equally into our mortgage and bills, and I pay for the food shopping, despite earning around £500 a month less than him as I work part time, but he still ends up borrowing money from me to get by until the end of the month."

It's time to sit down and look at where the money goes, because on that statement above, he would have to be spending £500+/month MORE on petrol than you are spending on feeding a family of three. It simply isn't possible for the car to be burning that much fuel travelling 280 miles/week, is it?

So where is his money going?

I get the aversion to even a whiff of being less than flush when you've had a hard upbringing, I really do. But sometimes that leads people to conspicuous consumption, and he is chewing through so much money I would be wondering if that's what he's doing. Being flashy at work, fancy lunches where he picks up the bill or something. Or - gambling. That can chew through a ton of money.

You need to both sit down with receipts and bank statements and LOOK AT WHERE ALL THE MONEY IS GOING because I'll tell you one thing, it's not all on petrol.

I see his point. I used to commute a lot, I don't any longer. I had a nice big powerful car to commute. Now that I don't, I traded it for a smaller, more economical car. I couldn't imagine using that car for long commute when I was used to the other. It would really make the experience very unpleasant.

Commuting is the worse part of the day, so making it a little less daunting by driving a better car certainly helps to east the pain.

I think it would be reasonable to sell the small car and buy a 5 door one, if a bit older if you can't afford to put more into it.

Yes it would make sense to transport the family in the family car. Your husband is being a selfish twat.

But you have bigger problems than the car. Why are you paying for all the food? And what is he spending all his money on that he has to borrow from you every month?

Going forward, I would tell him as the car is half yours, you will be using it from now on as it makes economic sense, and will be more comfortable for you being pregnant.( You can get a dog guard/seat cover so the dogs don't mess it up.) Then tell him you expect him to pay his half of the food. And stop baling him out every month!

If he refuses, then you really need to think about whether you want to stay with him.

Nah. He's not spending it on petrol. I hate sulking adults.

I used to commute about 280 miles a week. Through London, so it meant spending up to three hours a day in my car, five days a week. I would not have wanted to spend my time in a shit car. (I did drive old and cheap second-hand cars, but they weren't small and underpowered. The last such was a very depreciated luxury car when I bought it, once I experienced proper climate control, I would never again buy a car without it.)

I suggest you each buy your own car, that suits each of you, out of your own earnings. Expenditure on these cars is not a family expense, it is "negative earnings", a cost of having the job that requires it. (But if one car is not needed for commuting, and is only for family journeys, then that can be a joint expense.)

The sulking and the whinging about cars are bad enough, but much worse are your unfair and unequal financial arrangements.
Get you finances sorted out for all the household expenses, based on a percentage contribution of your incomes.

Sulking is a perfectly good reason to break up

A long daily commute is much more comfortable in a bigger car, and if it's faster too I can understand his reluctance to make your life easier by swapping. It might not just be about "image."

Is he right that you wouldn't take care of it properly (dog hairs etc)?

My husband drove to work in my old clunky car for two years and bought another brand new car which I use to take the DC (his stepkids) to school. He wanted me and the DC to "be safe" in a reliable car. He thinks of me and the children first, not his image.

Your DH sounds like my ex and I wish you lots of strength.

He says I'll make the other car dirty with the dogs and the kids, and won't treat it with respect..

That’s quite an accusation considering he’s not treating you with respect by being a sulky shithead. You’re not being a “hormonal crazy lady” at all if you’re at the end of your tether with this ridiculous prick.

So you work less, pay more and drive a car unsuitable fir your needs whilst the family car is driven 1.5hrs a day for your husband sole comfort and misplaced image?

The car isn’t your issue here - your husband is a selfish git.

What a fucking child. I'd seriously be thinking about whether this is a person I want to be in a relationship with.

My dh is a bit like this. He doesn’t cope well with change. We had quite a fight about him not wanting to swap from his 4x4 car (for a very short commute) to my lower, still very comfortable family sized car because I have chronic pain and putting dd in the car seat and sitting in the car became very painful. He loved his car. I didn’t want the 4x4 either but it was the best of the 2. I was very pissed off with him at the time. Anyway we ended up selling the 4x4 and getting me a suitable car and he ended up with the lower car. He saw sense in the end.

But this was just about a car. Yours is about far more including finances.

As for the extra money, some of it could be going on lunches. Idk if there is a staff canteen but a basic meal deal from coop is £5 let alone if he goes to the pub some days and so forth.

It sounds daft to consider breaking up over a car

You wouldn't be. There's so much else going on here that's awful.

Since this conversation he hasn't spoken to me.. won't look at me. Just sulks.

Unless you accidentally married a three-year-old, this should be a huge red flag. Normal, healthy adults do not sulk. They discuss an issue, consider the other person's point of view, and come to a compromise unless there's a compelling reason not to.

Can't quite believe how selfish he is though.

Putting his image, his ego, before your safety ad comfort.

The set up is frankly idiotic, if he does not see that. he is selfish beyond help. If his ego is that fragile, can you get different cars?

Cannot get my head around a big estate for the man alone, whilst wife/kids/dogs slum it in a little car. What a guy...

If it was just about the cars, I'd suggest looking at upgrading the small car to something more comfortable and pleasant for longer journeys but that's still cost effective to run because I don't entirely blame him for not wanting to commute in the less comfortable car.

But it's not about the cars is it? He's financially abusive - you earn less, do all the childcare and yet pay more of household finances. He's clearly hiding money/spending because even with the more expensive car, there's no way that extra cost = his extra £500 + the money he's not spending on household food or (I'm guessing) anything to do with the DC so what is he spending it on? At worst, gambling/drinking/drugs. At best, designer clothes/fancy lunches/overpriced gym memberships etc.

And then there's the sulking and emotional abuse.

He's not a keeper OP. Not without some major "Road to damascus" type moment from him.

@Alcemeg

A long daily commute is much more comfortable in a bigger car, and if it's faster too I can understand his reluctance to make your life easier by swapping. It might not just be about "image."

Is he right that you wouldn't take care of it properly (dog hairs etc)?

Wow. A. It’s OPs car too, she paid half of it, so she can use it for whatever she likes. He is not the boss of the fucking car. B. It may well be more comfortable for him, and to suggest he shouldn’t give it up to make her life easier is mind blowing, it’s ok for him to selfishly use it to make his life easier, whilst leaving OP to cover all the food shopping and bail him out financially every month?! He should pay her back half the cost of the car to her if he wants to keep it as his own.

You’re right though, poor, poor man, not getting his every desire met at OPs expense.🤨

The bigger can will certainly be more comfortable and nicer to drive than the little one on long drives.

But that's not the real problem here.

You work part time, he works full time, do you earn the same amount? Just wondering why he seems to have no money left over and you do and if this is also about being so materialistic that he mismanages money. That is also something to discuss.

Sulking means do as I want otherwise I will treat you this way. It is sad a pathetic and a form of abuse as it controls you to behave the way he wants.

I would get him to really think about who he is trying to impress with the car? Total strangers? Why?

Dh had a 14 year old car that he absolutely loved, small fiesta sized car. He is 6'3" so a big chap in a small car as he did a short commute to work in it. I had a much bigger 2l family car as I did most of the driving with the children. At one stage I had a 7 seater as I needed the boot space. I got a brand new car a few years ago, safety is the biggest priority on the list and we just made sure that it was big enough to be able to fit teen boys in it. Dh reluctantly got rid of his car when our sons were too big to fit in the back of his car and he kept having to drive mine which involved a seat/mirror adjustment as I am average height.

Your Dh is ridiculous, you need the larger car he should use the smaller and more economical car for his commute. He knows this is the right thing to do but instead he is sulking like a 5 year old to force you to use the smaller car.

Not without some major "Road to damascus" type moment from him.

Perhaps if he could be persuaded that riding a camel to work demonstrates the same prestige as the big shiny car he doesn't need to use, we will be lucky and he will fall off it and hit his head.

Even if it doesn't result in a full about change of his beliefs, it'll still be pretty cool.

sell both cars and get two medium sized economical cars