Husband throwing tantrum about cars..

[MouseDeMuir]

Hello lovely people of mumsnet.

I need some help.
My husband and I have been together 10 years.
We have a 3 year old and I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant.
We both work, me part time very close to home and him full time, but his commute is 280 miles a week.
We have 2 cars. One very small 2 door car, that's very economical and does 80mpg, and one bigger estate car that can fit car seats and dogs and is much newer but only does around 40mpg.
My husband had a hard up bringing, and on the whole is a very kind and caring person, but he's very materialistic. He worries about what people think if he drives a small or old car. I honestly couldn't care less about how things look, as long as they work!
Until now, he has used the 'new ' big car to commute to work, while I take our son and dogs to my mother's house every day in the little old car. It's fine but it does mean I struggle to put everyone in and It would be easier in a 5 door car..

Anyway.. at the end of every month my husband has no money left. He claims it all goes on fuel.
We pay equally into our mortgage and bills, and I pay for the food shopping, despite earning around £500 a month less than him as I work part time, but he still ends up borrowing money from me to get by until the end of the month.

So.. I suggested we swap cars..

To me this makes sense because:

1. We bought the car half and half each.
2. The little car would be cheaper to run him Commute.
3. It would put less miles on a newer car, hence preserving the value better.
4. I have the children and dogs to take and collect daily, so wouldn't it make more sense for me to use the 'family' car.

But he just says he hates the other car, it's too slow and looks shit.
He says I'll make the other car dirty with the dogs and the kids, and won't treat it with respect..
Since this conversation he hasn't spoken to me.. won't look at me. Just sulks.

I honestly don't know where to go from here..
It sounds daft to consider breaking up over a car, but honestly this is how he is with anything materialistic.. he's all about image and I really can't live like this anymore..

Am I being a hormonal crazy lady ?

Stop lending him money.

@ittakes2

sell both cars and get two medium sized economical cars

And what about the financial exploitation, the sulking and the complete disregard of his family's requirements against his wish for a penis substitute?

I've lost count of the threads on here where some women say they don't give a shit what a car is like, as long as it gets them from A to B. This attitude is a lot less common in men. Just because you don't give a shit, it doesn't mean other people are obliged to feel the same way.

I know it's wrong to second-guess an OP's facts, but, projecting my own preferences, I honestly don't believe it's merely about image for him. I think this is just OP's way of conveying "it's about things that I don't give a toss about and don't want you to have any sympathy for." For many car owners, especially male ones, there are a lot of ways a nicer car is better. And even to the extent it is about appearence, how many women criticising him would be willing to wear shit ugly clothes because they "do the job" and looking good is just stupid vanity that family money shouldn't be wasted on? Women often claim that they dress nicely for themselves, not other people. Driving a nice car might serve the same purpose with regard to appearances. The driver may not actually care what other people think, yet still feel better in himself when he's nicely "dressed".

There are very few male car drivers who would not be morose if told by their wife they need to lose the car they like and start driving a shit car. (Having said that, there are very few that expect their wife to pay to pay towards their nice car, he should be paying for it entirely himself.)

These men with large family cars leaving their wives and children to go in tiny, micro cars fucking piss me off. It’s telling them repeatedly he doesn’t care about their comfort or safety. Personally I wouldn’t want to drive up and down the motorway in a tiny car… if he’s on the motorway. But he has chosen what he’s chosen and choices have consequences. Silly man.

@RandomLondoner

I've lost count of the threads on here where some women say they don't give a shit what a car is like, as long as it gets them from A to B. This attitude is a lot less common in men. Just because you don't give a shit, it doesn't mean other people are obliged to feel the same way.

I know it's wrong to second-guess an OP's facts, but, projecting my own preferences, I honestly don't believe it's merely about image for him. I think this is just OP's way of conveying "it's about things that I don't give a toss about and don't want you to have any sympathy for." For many car owners, especially male ones, there are a lot of ways a nicer car is better. And even to the extent it is about appearence, how many women criticising him would be willing to wear shit ugly clothes because they "do the job" and looking good is just stupid vanity that family money shouldn't be wasted on? Women often claim that they dress nicely for themselves, not other people. Driving a nice car might serve the same purpose with regard to appearances. The driver may not actually care what other people think, yet still feel better in himself when he's nicely "dressed".

There are very few male car drivers who would not be morose if told by their wife they need to lose the car they like and start driving a shit car. (Having said that, there are very few that expect their wife to pay to pay towards their nice car, he should be paying for it entirely himself.)

So women are meant to pander to this shit at their own expense? He should have paid for the car himself if it was oh so important to him.

Unless yu are expecting a 6'5''man to fold himself up into a Fiat 500 you are not being unreasonable.

tell him YOU NEED the bigger car

@Macncheeseballs

I'd share your money so there's just one pot, and I'd let him get another car if he wants it, but you should have the bigger one for now

He earns more and still needs to mooch off the op every month, which will have to stop if she’s having a baby. One pot would be a terrible idea, his money doesn’t all go on the car, he’s obviously not great with it. But the sulking would do it for me. Just take the keys (both/all), you can’t fit two children pram etc into the little one. At least that way if he storms off you have a usable car.

The guy's commute is 28 miles, he's not exactly travelling the length of the UK! No reason why he can't cover that distance in a smaller car. Anyway, sounds like the car is not the main problem here.

My dh does 60 miles per day. He has recently got an automatic diesel car its a Mercedes and diesel. Only puts 20 quid per week init

My dh wfh, I commute about 50 miles a day. I use the small, older car for the exact reasons you suggest.
The large car is used when kids/dogs are travelling.

I’ve never had a car that does 80mpg- are you sure that’s correct?
He doesn’t sound like he’s behaving well but it depends how you told him he must swap cars? As an adult he’s allowed to have some say in it. Is it too slow or small for him to drive comfortably? I think a compromise is probably the best way forward, can you upgrade the small car?

Years ago dh (now ex) bought a cheap small car for £300, it was the most ugly car but so cheep to run, he used it to commute to work for 2 years and I had the larger family car, we saved a fortune and the old banger was so reliable, never broke down and flies through several MOT’s 🤣, DH didn’t care how stupid he looked as he was saving money.

Your DH needs to stop sulking and use the small car, surely it’s safer that you and the dc are using the bigger car and he uses the smaller car to save fuel.

@RandomLondoner

I've lost count of the threads on here where some women say they don't give a shit what a car is like, as long as it gets them from A to B. This attitude is a lot less common in men. Just because you don't give a shit, it doesn't mean other people are obliged to feel the same way.

I know it's wrong to second-guess an OP's facts, but, projecting my own preferences, I honestly don't believe it's merely about image for him. I think this is just OP's way of conveying "it's about things that I don't give a toss about and don't want you to have any sympathy for." For many car owners, especially male ones, there are a lot of ways a nicer car is better. And even to the extent it is about appearence, how many women criticising him would be willing to wear shit ugly clothes because they "do the job" and looking good is just stupid vanity that family money shouldn't be wasted on? Women often claim that they dress nicely for themselves, not other people. Driving a nice car might serve the same purpose with regard to appearances. The driver may not actually care what other people think, yet still feel better in himself when he's nicely "dressed".

There are very few male car drivers who would not be morose if told by their wife they need to lose the car they like and start driving a shit car. (Having said that, there are very few that expect their wife to pay to pay towards their nice car, he should be paying for it entirely himself.)

the problem is that it's not about the car really. It's about him feeling like he can and should spend his money however he likes, including driving the bigger more expensive car, without any thought for the financial or emotional well-being of his wife and family.

DH will deny it to his dying breath but he does not like driving our small car. So, given the choice, he always takes the big car. So I take your point theoretically. But that's not the same as what's happening here.

@namechange30455

What the fuck is he spending all his money on? 280 miles a week is not such a long commute that it should be costing him more than about £200 a month in fuel.

The car is a red herring here. Maybe he's sulking because he knows if you swap cars you'll realise he's actually spending money on something else.

I think this is it! Also wondering where his money is actually going....

I don’t think it’s just men whose self-esteem is very much bound up with what car they’re seen in, or seen to own.

We have mother and daughter acquaintances both of whom, I swear, would not have been seen dead in the trusty old Focus I had until recently. Nor in dh’s larger Ford. I dare say they’d feel the same about my ‘new’ (2 year old) small car.

A shiny Merc or nothing, and it has to be black. This despite the daughter having usually been in massive cc debt, and her parents being seriously strapped for cash - which I knew only because their dd told mine.

I know very well that to them, a less expensive car means you can’t afford anything better. Certainly not true in our case - it’s just that our priorities are so very different.

I’m not sure there’s any cure for this sort of thinking, though - it’s so ingrained.

I drive my 12 year old Ford Fiesta 80 miles a day up and down the motorway. Didn’t realise I looked like such a peasant.
The person who has to pick up DD gets the bigger family car.

280 miles a week is a tank of petrol in a small car doing 40mpg so not sure what he’s blowing all his money on.

@Christmasfairy2020

My dh does 60 miles per day. He has recently got an automatic diesel car its a Mercedes and diesel. Only puts 20 quid per week init

Unless my maths is wrong you’d need to be doing around 92mpg to get that figure. What car is this??

He sounds like a twat

He worries about what people think if he drives a small or old car.

www.autoexpress.co.uk/opinion/355731/people-have-decided-mercedes-bmw-and-audi-are-no-longer-top-10-car-brands
'The people have decided that Mercedes, BMW and Audi are no longer top-10 car brands'
Mike Rutherford thinks the 2021 Driver Power survey shows changing attitudes towards premium cars

Your DH isn't up and with the times.

The way people view cars and status is fundamentally changing.

Cars are losing their status symbolism and people don't care what others drive.

The thing here is that 1) you can't afford to run the status symbol he wants 2) his attitude towards you on this is appalling and unacceptable.

The funniest thing is that what you find is in the most affluent areas you often see less status symbol cars than in more average areas because people prioritise housing over cars and using a car as a status symbol can be viewed as trying to make up for a lack of status! The penis extension if you want to put it into crude terms (but the same principle applies to women too though to a lesser extent).

Ask him why he feels so insecure be needs a car to 'prove' his status to the rest of the world.

You will get a pretty hostile reaction, but the point remains that his reasoning is about signalling to others a certain status and he feels the need to do this or he will get laughed at. Thats insecurity.

As it goes DH would love a flash car but he cant justify either the cost nor the trade off in practicality (he drives a car bought new but bottom spec unfashionable brand). He doesn't have to worry about it getting dirty from his sports gear and he doesn't worry about potential damage to it. Its an estate.

If we go out as a family we usually go out in my city car. Its so much more practical for parking etc. Its new as my previous car (bought new) was starting to need multiple repairs. Again unfashionable brand but its mid spec. Dh loves driving it cos its nippy and fun.

He gets the whole status symbol stuff and can be wistful about it, but keeps coming back to practicality, reliability and wanting money for other things.

This is a mature response. Its also one thats being shared by an increasing number of people who dont want to be slaves to marketing and the insecure.

Dh certainly wouldn't judge your husband for driving something entirely sensible. Because he doesn't bloody care what anyone else drives as long as they don't drive like a dickhead as the model of car doesn't have impact on him.

Your DH needs to get over himself.

I remember this scenario about 8 years ago. I had the small car, my husband had an alfa romeo (which he loved). He got this car pre-children so I didn't mind.

We were talking about our car situation - we needed 2; 1 needed to be bigger than the other. It was literally a 2 minute conversation, I told my DH that I should have the bigger car due to prams, car seats, food shops etc. He tried to argue his case but even he realised he didn't have a leg to stand on. We now have a 2nd hand SUV and a 2nd hand fiesta.

My husband is a director at a big firm - all the other senior managers / directors have mercs, BMWs, Jags etc. My husband rolls up in his fiesta and he couldn't give 2 hoots (he also had a fairly poor upbringing) - we pay no tax on it and it is super cheap to run, great for parking as well. He did choose the make and model though as he did want specific features e.g. blue tooth for business calls etc

Like PPs I would question his outgoings, 280 miles isn't that long a commute - where is his money going?

I understand where he’s coming from - in normal times I do a similar number of miles each week, often more, and wouldn’t want to do it in a very small car. I love my big car, it feels safer and it’s more powerful (although definitely not huge, and it’s a very sensible Karoq) so I can overtake lorries and tractors trundling along on the A road so my journey doesn’t become too long.

Given that you both can’t agree I think you need to compromise - sell them and buy 2 medium sized ones, or take it week about.

My little city car does 60mpg even with my driving in start stop town traffic.

Dh likes to play 'see how high i can get fuel efficiency' when driving my car...

Its fab.

He’s taking the piss. Stop giving him money, and insist he pays for half of the food shop.
As for sulking about the car … how very unattractive. I wouldn’t put up with it personally.

Yeah "car as status" is one notch up from a massive wide screen telly as status, which is one notch up from, I dunno, designer trainers. Ironically it probably makes your husband's background of poverty more obvious. Which is shit to go through- and understandably would leave its mark.