Husband throwing tantrum about cars..

[MouseDeMuir]

Hello lovely people of mumsnet.

I need some help.
My husband and I have been together 10 years.
We have a 3 year old and I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant.
We both work, me part time very close to home and him full time, but his commute is 280 miles a week.
We have 2 cars. One very small 2 door car, that's very economical and does 80mpg, and one bigger estate car that can fit car seats and dogs and is much newer but only does around 40mpg.
My husband had a hard up bringing, and on the whole is a very kind and caring person, but he's very materialistic. He worries about what people think if he drives a small or old car. I honestly couldn't care less about how things look, as long as they work!
Until now, he has used the 'new ' big car to commute to work, while I take our son and dogs to my mother's house every day in the little old car. It's fine but it does mean I struggle to put everyone in and It would be easier in a 5 door car..

Anyway.. at the end of every month my husband has no money left. He claims it all goes on fuel.
We pay equally into our mortgage and bills, and I pay for the food shopping, despite earning around £500 a month less than him as I work part time, but he still ends up borrowing money from me to get by until the end of the month.

So.. I suggested we swap cars..

To me this makes sense because:

1. We bought the car half and half each.
2. The little car would be cheaper to run him Commute.
3. It would put less miles on a newer car, hence preserving the value better.
4. I have the children and dogs to take and collect daily, so wouldn't it make more sense for me to use the 'family' car.

But he just says he hates the other car, it's too slow and looks shit.
He says I'll make the other car dirty with the dogs and the kids, and won't treat it with respect..
Since this conversation he hasn't spoken to me.. won't look at me. Just sulks.

I honestly don't know where to go from here..
It sounds daft to consider breaking up over a car, but honestly this is how he is with anything materialistic.. he's all about image and I really can't live like this anymore..

Am I being a hormonal crazy lady ?

Yup, you've got bigger problems than the car.
The financial inequality is appalling.
He's a cocklodger because he's living off your back. Yes, he's paying half of mortgages and bills but he's not contributing to food and to the things his child needs.
What's going to happen when you are on maternity leave?

Well, now that you've mentioned that you also pay all the costs for your child, and presumably were expecting to pay all the costs for your imminent child too, these are family expenses which should be divided between the two of you.

So, you know what we are all going to say now don't you?

Yep, LTB!

I used to do a similar commute. A full tank would have got me through the week around £60 max.

I would be getting an Excel spreadsheet and use this as an excuse to go through your budgets so you can both clearly see where all the money is going as it seems like he has a black hole.

Does he end up with new clothes and packages a lot that cost next to nothing - apparently. I would be wanting a full accounting as you need the extra cash with an extra child and saving up for uni/holidays/ new cars/ redecorating etc it just seems heartbreaking if he is frittering money away unnecessarily

A lot of people on mn seems to suggest divorce as the first option for any sort of disagreement.

You DH is being extremely childish. You're taking his child (soon to be children) & dogs out every day in a 2 door car while he drives a fancy big estate? Makes no sense what so ever. Yes the new car will be comfier and nicer to drive but it's tough really when he has a family at home and their needs should come first.
Also you'll be heavily pregnant soon. You absolutely won't physically be able to get your child in and out of a tiny car without seriously struggling.

We've just sold our nice car and replaced it with a nice but not as nice 7 seater as we've just had our second baby. It's so much better having all the space for dogs and prams etc.

Your DH needs to get over this materialistic thing in his head. Nobody cares what he drives.

I used to do a similar commute. A full tank would have got me through the week around £60 max.

I have a slightly shorter commute, it costs around £110 per week

He cares more about his own image and comfort than his families. Do you really want to be with someone like this? Hard upbringing or not, this is selfish bullshit.

If he does not change now OP, after you lay it all out to him. He never will.

Go by what he does, not what he says. Good luck, a lot to take in.

Christ, OP. A 9 year old Hyundai i10? We had one of those pre-children, and not because we couldn't have afforded something much more extravagant, but because it's a good little car, very forgiving and decent on motorways as well as for popping around town.

I half thought you were going to say he does a motorway commute and the car was something that has a fit over 60mph! He's being completely ridiculous. Nobody cares what he drives but, even if they were, I don't think it would occur to anyone to give the side-eye to an i10! If he's so concerned about image, have you tried casually telling him it's very low class to be so concerned with material possessions and appearance? I think I would find that quite satisfying at this point .

I hope your talk tonight goes well. He needs to pull his fucking socks up when it comes to paying for his child. If he's so worried what people think of him, you can tell him that I (and most men and women) bloody well judge him for that.

So you pay for everything then? All he pays is 50% of bills. That's it.

He earns more than you, but runs out of money because of paying fuel for what is a pretty small commute?

He is lieing.

If t matters, the really wealthy tend to drive around in ancient volvos and similar, seeing new BMW , VW and Audi drivers as laughingly try hard.

Not that it should matter, but it's another perspective.

laughably even

Yes he's sulking because he knows you're right and it's a sensible suggestion. You sound entirely reasonably and I hope he sees sense - the extra funds will benefit all of you...

@Shade17

I used to do a similar commute. A full tank would have got me through the week around £60 max.

I have a slightly shorter commute, it costs around £110 per week

That’s about 15mpg. What do you drive?

Come on now op!!

That’s about 15mpg. What do you drive?

Yeah, probably nearer to 13/14mpg on the commute. I use my trusty old M5 for commuting, it’s the perfect tool for it, a nice place to spend 15 hrs a week with plenty of grunt when required.

My DP has an i20, but the 5-door version. We've been to Scotland, Yorkshire and Cornwall in it. Its not the most comfortable motorway cruiser, but its certainly not uncomfortable. Your DH is being totally unreasonable about the car situation.

However, the cars are just a symptom of something much more sinister. He is not playing fair with his money, and you need to get a solid grip on what's coming into and going out of your house.

@Shade17

That’s about 15mpg. What do you drive?

Yeah, probably nearer to 13/14mpg on the commute. I use my trusty old M5 for commuting, it’s the perfect tool for it, a nice place to spend 15 hrs a week with plenty of grunt when required.

It’s not really the perfect tool for it with that fuel economy, is it? Blimey! You must have plenty of money to burn, literally.

Also why’s it taking you 3 hours a day (assuming a 5-day a week commute), Shade? Less than 280 miles a week, less than 30 miles each way. Doesn’t take 1.5 hours, surely?

I do love a fast car, but we now have one sensible one between us.

Still got a hankering for something reasonably quick so we’re going to look for a ‘toy’ in the new year.

But everything is shared.

He is lying about money.

I drove that commute in an old corsa at 5ft11 and it did 24mpg (big engined old automatic it was shite) when petrol was £1.49 a litre on a very low salary ... it was a lot but it wasn't my biggest expense!

I used to do about a 350 mile commute each week, which I don’t think would be that unusual. I had an old, uneconomical 1.8l petrol car, and only spent about £250 a month on fuel (around a tank a week). Even with the growing cost of fuel, I’d have thought it shouldn’t be much more than that. Does that tie up with the money he tells you he’s spending, or do you think he’s spending the money elsewhere?

But, yes, he needs to stop being a materialistic giant baby, and be practical about the car use - and leave the bigger car for you. Alternatively, how would he feel about doing the children, dog, etc? Can you make an agreement that the bigger/more practical car stays with the children/dog/stuff? I have friends who do it that way, and the other one takes the small car.

I'm surprised you could afford a new BMW when you guys are so tight on money! I like cars, I too was from a hard background and cars are the one thing I don't like to compromise on!

To me I would trade in the older one and see how much you would get for it to work out what you could afford going forward

I don't drive. Dh has 2 cars.
A 21 yr old 3ltr v6 vectra saloon. Its so not economical and his toy.
He knows this and drives a 3dr corsa 90% of the time. He's 6ft 6, it's a small car and awkward with a 5ft in 14 yr old in tow but it's sensible. Cheap on fuel. Reliable.

Your dh needs to realise you need the bigger car for practical reasons and the smaller car is more sensible for his commute.

I understand some people are materialistic about their cars, our vectra is the third person in our relationship, but with 2 kids your dh sounds like he's got a lot of growing up to do and your issues are bigger than who drives what car.
Good luck with that.

*That is dd is 14 and 5ft 11.