Husband throwing tantrum about cars..

[MouseDeMuir]

Hello lovely people of mumsnet.

I need some help.
My husband and I have been together 10 years.
We have a 3 year old and I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant.
We both work, me part time very close to home and him full time, but his commute is 280 miles a week.
We have 2 cars. One very small 2 door car, that's very economical and does 80mpg, and one bigger estate car that can fit car seats and dogs and is much newer but only does around 40mpg.
My husband had a hard up bringing, and on the whole is a very kind and caring person, but he's very materialistic. He worries about what people think if he drives a small or old car. I honestly couldn't care less about how things look, as long as they work!
Until now, he has used the 'new ' big car to commute to work, while I take our son and dogs to my mother's house every day in the little old car. It's fine but it does mean I struggle to put everyone in and It would be easier in a 5 door car..

Anyway.. at the end of every month my husband has no money left. He claims it all goes on fuel.
We pay equally into our mortgage and bills, and I pay for the food shopping, despite earning around £500 a month less than him as I work part time, but he still ends up borrowing money from me to get by until the end of the month.

So.. I suggested we swap cars..

To me this makes sense because:

1. We bought the car half and half each.
2. The little car would be cheaper to run him Commute.
3. It would put less miles on a newer car, hence preserving the value better.
4. I have the children and dogs to take and collect daily, so wouldn't it make more sense for me to use the 'family' car.

But he just says he hates the other car, it's too slow and looks shit.
He says I'll make the other car dirty with the dogs and the kids, and won't treat it with respect..
Since this conversation he hasn't spoken to me.. won't look at me. Just sulks.

I honestly don't know where to go from here..
It sounds daft to consider breaking up over a car, but honestly this is how he is with anything materialistic.. he's all about image and I really can't live like this anymore..

Am I being a hormonal crazy lady ?

Maybe tell him to sell that small car and buy a car that gives him ‘class’ with ‘his’ money only.
He spends so much on fuel on the big car but it seems the small car is unsuitable for both of you. You don’t want it because it’s not practical and he does not want it either because it does not give him the ‘status’ he wants. I don’t think anyone of you should force the other to use what they don’t want.

What you need to address is the uneven split of finances and his selfishness generally

I just cannot get my head around the nonsense over who pays for what within a marriage. But purely on the cars, you have children and dogs to transport and sounds like you need a bigger car.

But I also sympathise with him wanting a better and more comfortable car to drive long distance every day in. And I confess that coming from a very hard up background myself, I even kind of understand where he is coming from regarding appearances. When you have spend your childhood being laughed at and bullied because everything you own is crap and falling apart, it sticks. I am 51 and I confess it has not fully gone away.

So I kind of think that maybe the solution is to swap the smaller car to something that is more acceptable. We are about to replace our second car as DH will be returning to the office soon. He doesn’t have my issues and doesn’t care at all what car he has, but we have been looking and there are loads of decent options that don’t cost a lot.

This is financial and emotional abuse.

Your logic makes perfect sense, but to take more money from you, when you're earning less is just despicable

Even if you trade in the cars for his 'n' hers hatchbacks, he'll still be unhappy and you'll still be 'in the wrong'

There needs to be a sit down talk about finances. This isn't just about the cars.

Is he spending his money to keep up an image in front of someone?

Gambling? Drugs?

I'd take a step back and look at the whole situation, not just the car issue.

You have a child and another on the way - you should be a team working with the same values and goals, especially with finances.

I would be changing the whole situation, all money would be shared, as would cars and anything else you own. I would look at my partner's behaviour as a whole, as from what you have told us, there are some worrying traits (sulking/overspending/selfishness/keeping up appearance anxiety) I would assess whether things can get better or if not, can I live with this?

I'd also be annoyed with myself that I had chosen to have 2 children with someone who behaves like this so I'm guessing he must have some redeeming features not mentioned here?!

Previous poster put it very well by pointing out he might not realise his 'image' is actually one of him posing in big car while partner and family squish into smaller one...probably not what he had in mind when people see him!

I have the same issue. We have had new cars regularly that we can’t afford all because DH needs to keep up with his Dad and brothers on who has the best car, I find it pathetic and ridiculous. I’d be happy with a 2nd hand car that just went from A-B

Well I drove a Skoda Citigo all over the place, short and long distances for 3 years and it was fine. You don't need a big car when you're the only person in it. I now have an old Mini and that's the same.

It’s less than 30 miles a journey (if my maths is correct). That’s hardly anything. If you need the bigger car than that makes perfect sense. He needs to take the little car which will save money. If he’s worried about image then that’s a problem. I expect most people wouldn’t even think twice about the car. Perhaps he needs a car sticker that says ‘my wife has the big car’.

XDH bought for himself a series of flashy cars - soft top BMWs, once a Porsche. In the meantime I had to borrow money from my Mum to buy a car we could get the family in.

It was a bad, controlling marriage and the lack of shared finances and car selfishness was just the tip of the iceberg.

And what @HunterHearstHelmsley said was so true - everyone thought xdh was a wanker and hated me being married to him.

Anyway.. at the end of every month my husband has no money left. He claims it all goes on fuel.
We pay equally into our mortgage and bills, and I pay for the food shopping, despite earning around £500 a month less than him as I work part time, but he still ends up borrowing money from me to get by until the end of the month.

The car is not the problem.

math seems weird. 280 miles a week isn't much and 40mpg should not use 'all his money' if he's earning more than you. You paying for food etc is nuts. I'd redo your joint finances honestly.

Also makes no sense for him to use the big car. I understand he wants to because its nicer, but you have a dog and child to move around (soon to be two). If he wants a nicer car eventually you can look at that later. Its an A-B object. And then he can look forwards to family days out/weekends where he can drive the nice car.

Yes it'll get a bit messy with a dog but thats what its for. And you can get boot liners/seat protectors etc.

He says I'll make the other car dirty with the dogs and the kids, and won't treat it with respect..

This is also YOUR car, you can run this and have it cleaned inside and out every single week and it will still make economic and logistical sense

He’s being ridiculous. You need to be very firm and tell him that you are an equal owner of the car, are paying into the family in the same way he is, even though salaries are different so in effect are paying in proportionately MORE THAN he is and you are responsible for kids and dog on a daily basis and you won’t be forced into a situation where you’re uncomfortable, the kids are uncomfortable and to add insult to injury being asked to top up his money because he’s spent it all on fuel.

Start will telling him you won’t be bailing him out anymore.

roughly I make it £150 a month on petrol - 40mpg, 280 miles a week so around 12,000 a year.

doesn't add up

And I confess that coming from a very hard up background myself, I even kind of understand where he is coming from regarding appearances. When you have spend your childhood being laughed at and bullied because everything you own is crap and falling apart, it sticks. I am 51 and I confess it has not fully gone away.

@Aprilx Yes I get this too, I had a similarly low-income upbringing and I'm in my mid 40s and I still feel the odd twinge. I've done a lot of work on myself so I know that it's my inner child creating if I think something nice is going to be taken away from me. Being compassionate to OP's husband for a moment, it could be something like this going on. (Not that it excuses the behaviour.)

I did wonder and I appreciate that I am kite-flying here whether the impending baby is similarly a trigger for OP's husband.

The problem here, is that he puts himself first in everything. He's happy for you and his children to have less / go without. That's not the behaviour of a husband. That's the behaviour of a complete and utter tit.

Have some self respect.

LTB.

He sounds horrible.

Anyone who is hung up on cars and their image, is insecure and should grow the hell up in my book. He should be putting you and your child's safety and comforts first. He's a selfish arse OP.

Also, I'm not even sure that swapping cars would solve the practical problems. An 80mpg car doesn't do 80mpg all the time -- it will depend on speed, driving style, road conditions and so on. (Ditto the 40mpg one.) The amount saved on fuel by swapping cars would be a few quid a week. Not to be sniffed at, potentially, but no one's transforming their finances on it either.

Aprilx - you make a very interesting point, which I hadn't considered. The partners at DH's firm were mainly public schoollboys, so driving around in 20 year old car with bird-poo on it was probably a bit of a hoot. I doubt if many of them were on FSM as children, and maybe if they would have thought differently if they had been.

And I confess that coming from a very hard up background myself, I even kind of understand where he is coming from regarding appearances. When you have spend your childhood being laughed at and bullied because everything you own is crap and falling apart, it sticks. I am 51 and I confess it has not fully gone away

It doesn't have to be like that and isn't an 'excuse' to behave in such a selfish and reckless way as an adult. I too never had the 'right' clothes, bag etc as a child and I don't care about these things as an adult even though I could buy pretty much whatever I want to now.

Why aren’t you using the bigger car anyway with a child and dog to transport around how are you even dealing with a three door car?

With car seats I utterly refuse to even consider a three door car, you’ll need the bigger car anyway when baby arrives and you have two car seats to contend with.

Your husband sounds utterly selfish and mean.

My husband wouldn’t even think of commandeering the bigger car if it meant I had to suffer.

Stop lending him money and get him to pay for half the food shop as well. Why are you paying more towards household expenses whilst you’re the lower earner and main carer for your children?

One of the best things about having an xh is not being worried about this shit anymore. I love affording my kids treats because im not burdened with my xhs extravagance anymore.

You absolutely can leave him over this situation OP. You wouldn’t be leaving him over a disagreement about cars. You would be leaving him for treating you with total disrespect and for lying to you about what he spends his money on.
He is not a good partner

I really don't understand marriages where there is his money my money borrowing off each other and paying equally..

It should be our money and there shouldn't be any loaning.

But in this case @Inni632 it sounds like that would be a fast way to the DH spending even more of family money on cars and whatever other stuff he likes and thinks will present his desired image of himself. He already has more than his fair share and you seem to be suggesting that he takes even more from the family pot.

Do other people actually look at what car your husband drives? Most wouldn't even notice, especially as he uses it to travel to and from work.

Sulking is a very childish thing to do, he's a big baby. Don't put up with it.

The thing nowadays is to own an electric car so suggest to him that he considers buying one; then 'everyone' will think he is caring for the environment.

I have to say I never before knew people worked out how many miles they get per gallon of fuel. If husband is an essential car user, can he not claim a fuel allowance?

Whatever, don't pander to his childishness and make it plain that you dislike overt materialism.

YANBU and for him to sulk over this is ridiculous.

As long as the small car is reliable then he should use it.