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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Buying flowers with no money?

273 replies

Kitten9 · 13/08/2021 07:29

Earlier this week one of my close friends confided her money struggles to me - she lost her job a couple of months ago and due to various factors has not had any income at all. She told me she had absolutely nothing and had maxed out all her credit cards, and was genuinely upset and crying about how she was going to feed her children and keep a roof over their heads. I didn’t get the impression that she was asking me for money, but I wanted to help and so I gave her £300 as a gift (I can afford it and don’t need or expect it back)

However yesterday I saw on Facebook that one of her other friends had posted a photo of a beautiful bunch of flowers, thanking my friend for sending them for absolutely no reason. I honestly can’t tell if I’m BU for being a little annoyed - the flowers didn’t look cheap, and I would have expected her to prioritise her bills and savings if she was in such dire straits. I suppose I feel as though I’ve been a little duped and that her situation isn’t as bad as I was lead to believe.

Fully prepared to be told that I’m a miserable hag!

OP posts:
Boredmotherofone · 19/08/2021 11:48

Could they have been from Freddie's Flowers? I had an offer recently where you get your first bunch free and can give one bunch to a friend also. They're very fancy, quality flowers. I got some and also sent some to my Mum 💐

Kettletoaster · 19/08/2021 11:51

Its a wonderful gesture OP, but sadly also a lesson learned.

I had a similar thing years ago. My really good friend fell unexpectedly pregnant (they were told they couldnt have kids and had recently adopted 2 gitls). Her DH had lost his job whilst she was pregnant and they were really struggling financially . I gave them an early gift of £200 thinking it could go towards essentials like cot, pram etc. She spent it on a massive teddybear. I was Shock . Last time I will do that!

Manzanilla55 · 19/08/2021 11:52

Moral of the story. Never disclose you have more money than your friends or associates.

GreyhoundG1rl · 19/08/2021 12:03

@Kettletoaster

Its a wonderful gesture OP, but sadly also a lesson learned.

I had a similar thing years ago. My really good friend fell unexpectedly pregnant (they were told they couldnt have kids and had recently adopted 2 gitls). Her DH had lost his job whilst she was pregnant and they were really struggling financially . I gave them an early gift of £200 thinking it could go towards essentials like cot, pram etc. She spent it on a massive teddybear. I was Shock . Last time I will do that!

Shock. Some people are genuinely clueless.
Viviennemary · 19/08/2021 12:06

Id be annoyed and would ask her for the money back. She is a user. She took your monry under false pretences. Bit deceitful IMHO.

WildBluebell · 19/08/2021 12:09

@RedHelenB

Maybe she was fed up of being the taker all the time and wanted to be the giver?
Grin yeah, that's how you do it! Take money from one person. Give them to another. Feel good about yourself Halo
Erwhatno · 19/08/2021 12:19

As if she didn’t give you a gift!!

Greystray · 19/08/2021 12:22

If she's the kind of person I expect she is, she may well flounce out of your life in disgust that you won't keep forking money over.

At least make her squirm a bit. Ask her what your £300 went on. You have the right to know, particularly as she has her hand held out for more.

AngryWhompingWillow · 19/08/2021 12:22

@Kitten9 YANBU to be very VERY pissed off.

I would be ghosting this so-called 'friend' pretty sharpish, after messaging her to tell her she is a horrible friend, and you no longer wish to have her in your life.

AngryWhompingWillow · 19/08/2021 12:46

On a similar note, my friend's daughter was at uni 3 or 4 years ago, and kept whining and moaning at my friend (her mum) that she was broke and didn't have a pot to piss in, and couldn't afford her rent.

Her mum sent £200 via the bank, so she could pay her rent, and she sent her a food package via Asda, with some £70 worth of foodstuffs.

2 weeks later, her daughter posted a pic on facebook, of her new tattoo. Hmm My friend was fuming. Tattoos don't come cheap, so she phoned her and said 'what the hell? I thought you were brassick!' Her daughter said her friend paid for it. Wink

This was the third time she had done something like this. The first 2 times, she pleaded poverty, got £150 to £200 from her mum (my friend,) and then went to a concert (tickets £70 each!) and also a weekend to Paris. (THAT must have cost a three hundred quid at LEAST.) The other two were paid for by 'friends' too. Wink

After tattoo-gate, my friend never sent her anything again. She said 'if you are broke, have no food, and can't pay your rent etc etc, then I shall pay the rent DIRECT to the landlady, and send food parcels. But I want to see what's in your bank account first.

Her daughter never asked her for anything again.

QuimReaper · 19/08/2021 13:02

Not as extreme, but I had a situation with a friend which I've never forgotten. We lived together in a shared house for a year, and her attitude to money left a very sour impression.

First of all, there was one bedroom which was by far the biggest and nicest, and she resorted to very manipulative tactics to try and get us to just let her have it. Eventually I insisted that we bid for it, and whoever had that room would pay more for it, giving everyone else a small reduction on their rent. It was only she and I that really wanted it and I'd already decided that I was going to give into her rather than engage with her tactics, but it was going to be via a sensible grown-up solution, not just because she stamped her feet and whinged. So she ended up paying slightly more rent than the rest of us, of her own accord. She also was the only one of us who had a car.

Shortly after, she said that she wanted to pay less council tax than the rest of us, on the basis that she was a full-time student and technically exempt (although she had decided not to live with other students, which she could have done, which would have meant no council tax was payable at all). Again this was agreed, and she ended up paying about two thirds what the rest of us paid.

That year I was only working part-time (was also a student, although PT) and basically very poor. It was pretty miserable - I had to limit my social life, buying the cheapest groceries and scrimping, and shopping was pretty much out of the question. I was always on my last legs when my pay cheque came through. She was living off the bank of mum and dad and always claiming to be absolutely broke, but she went out socialising almost every night. I quickly realised that actually, she was quite probably even better off than me, but her priorities were always just to have what she wanted (the bigger room, a car, loads of nights out) but that she'd sort of decided that we were all better off than her and should subsidise the things she didn't want to pay for. As a pp said I think she convinced herself we 'wouldn't miss it' and probably that we cared less about having the things we wanted. The reality was we just all lived cheaply and didn't mention money troubles. I always remember the day she breezed through the door and showed off a huge bag of Benefit makeup she'd just bought herself, including loads of unnecessary bits like lip balms, which would've racked up to over £100, probably closer to £150. I just watched her in dismay, a splurge like that would have been completely out of the question for me. The amount extra in council tax I was paying wasn't significant and didn't put me on the breadline or anything, but it was symbolic to me of her attitude. Quite often on a Saturday night I would go over to my mum's for dinner as a way of getting out the house without spending any money besides the tube fair, whilst she was going to clubs and getting in steaming drunk with a takeaway in the early hours.

After I moved out she tried to escalate the council tax situation to say that she couldn't afford to pay any - even though her contribution was I think about £20 a month. Luckily the guy that took my room is very no-nonsense and called her up on it, and a tearfully apologetic dramatic group text followed. I think she was just really spoiled and had been raised to see boring bills as other people's problems, and her money as spending money.

bigbaggyeyes · 19/08/2021 13:13

I'd respond back with

'Sorry can't help, just bought myself a lovely bouquet of flowers with the last of this months money'

zingally · 19/08/2021 13:13

The thing is, when you give someone money (for whatever reason), you can't dictate what they spend it on. It's not yours any more, it's theirs.

You are totally right to feel annoyed she's spent the money on flowers for someone else, but you have to let it go, and chalk it up as lesson learned!

Dacquoise · 19/08/2021 13:25

This is an interesting one. My DS is terrible with money, as is her husband. They ended up with multiple CCJs because he went for a new job and gave his notice before receiving the offer letter. Job fell through. Not being able to pay their bills and mortgage followed along with six months unemployment.

Rinse and repeat. Spending more than they earned, only one willing to work, constant bailouts from family. Eventually borrowed £10k from DF to get on their feet. Promptly went on an all inclusive holiday in the Caribbean and defaulted on car lease payments taken out in DFs name.

Long story short some people are hopeless with money, never learn from their mistakes and look to others to bail them out. My DS did the sob story about not being able to afford her milk bill.

I think you will have to pit this one down to experience and don't give her anymore money. Not unreasonable to be upset but some people just don't 'understand' finances as their poor choices indicate.

AngryWhompingWillow · 19/08/2021 13:26

@zingally

The thing is, when you give someone money (for whatever reason), you can't dictate what they spend it on. It's not yours any more, it's theirs.

You are totally right to feel annoyed she's spent the money on flowers for someone else, but you have to let it go, and chalk it up as lesson learned!

It's true that people can spend money as they wish once it's 'theirs'. But how insulting and rude is it to accept someone's generosity/MONEY, when you have been whining about having no money, and then go and spend it on frivolous shit that you don't need. Hmm

If someone did this to me, they wouldn't get a bastard FARTHING from me in the future, not even if they were on the bones of their arse.

(A farthing is a quarter of a penny, for those of you that aren't dinosaurs like me.) Grin

Yerroblemom1923 · 19/08/2021 13:34

You gave it as a gift, without any restrictions etc, perhaps her circumstances have changed thanks to your generosity and she's doing ok now.
You gave as a gift, not a loan, so I'm guessing you have v little say in how she spends her money.
I get your annoyance though. Chalk it down to experience

honeylulu · 19/08/2021 13:56

Not much you can do about it now except not give/loan any more money. She may or may not have "needed" it but she is obviously so cheap at managing money that she has blown it on treats without applying where it is really needed i.e. on bills.

If she's just a bit crap with money I would let it pass and be wiser next time. In my experience this becomes an issue when a friend sees herself as entitled to a share of your money because you are "lucky" to have more. Luge just doesn't work like that. You can't go into Tesco and help yourself because it's a billion pound corporation and they don't "need you to pay"!

GreyhoundG1rl · 19/08/2021 14:08

@Yerroblemom1923

You gave it as a gift, without any restrictions etc, perhaps her circumstances have changed thanks to your generosity and she's doing ok now. You gave as a gift, not a loan, so I'm guessing you have v little say in how she spends her money. I get your annoyance though. Chalk it down to experience
You must have missed the part where she has now asked op for more to pay her council tax?
UnsuitableHat · 19/08/2021 14:34

Think she’s asked OP for a loan for council tax, whereas the previous sum was a gift, so there is a difference. OP just needs to say no to the loan; set the boundaries. The gift is a done deal now.

GreyhoundG1rl · 19/08/2021 15:01

@UnsuitableHat

Think she’s asked OP for a loan for council tax, whereas the previous sum was a gift, so there is a difference. OP just needs to say no to the loan; set the boundaries. The gift is a done deal now.
How is it different? If she had a council tax bill she's unable to pay, why would she squander the gift on gifts for others rather than paying her own bills?!
Newbie8365 · 19/08/2021 16:22

Hi Op, how did you respond to her re the council tax?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/08/2021 16:24

@Kitten9

I suppose I should have seen this coming… I’ve just woken up to a message from her asking to borrow money to pay her council tax bill. Sigh.
Well, the time has come for you to be abrupt about this. No friendship is worth this.
CastleCrasher · 19/08/2021 16:32

As it's a long term friendship I'd answer asking the lines of "? But Ive only just given you £300, what happened to it?" If she lies, then you know where you stand. If she tells the truth, then I'd help in terms of signposting to budgeting help etc (but definitely no more money).

rookiemere · 19/08/2021 16:38

@QuimReaper similar situation with the Benefit cosmetics.

Friend of mine always skint couldn't understand why, then one day I met her and she'd spent £60 on Jo Malone candles Shock. This was 20 years ago, so more like £120 in today's money.

Luckily she never tapped me for money so it was more of a moment of recognition on my part than anything else, but it bewilders me how someone could be at the edge of their overdraft and still buy luxury candles. I mean she cleaned her house, it wasn't like it stunk or anything.

Dacquoise · 19/08/2021 16:41

So she's rinsed you for £300 and I very much doubt she didn't know you would offer her money when she poured out her money woes to you. And now the 'loan' for her council tax. Bit of emotional blackmail there as most people see this as an essential bill to pay so pressure on you to stump up.

This is exactly the way my DS operated. She went from person to person 'borrowing' money she never paid back. Until their wallet closed, then move onto the next one. Always a sob story about feeding her kids etc etc. Didn't stop her buying two pedigree dogs or refurbishing her garden with other people's cash.

If you don't set a very firm boundary now, she will be back, guaranteed.