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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Buying flowers with no money?

273 replies

Kitten9 · 13/08/2021 07:29

Earlier this week one of my close friends confided her money struggles to me - she lost her job a couple of months ago and due to various factors has not had any income at all. She told me she had absolutely nothing and had maxed out all her credit cards, and was genuinely upset and crying about how she was going to feed her children and keep a roof over their heads. I didn’t get the impression that she was asking me for money, but I wanted to help and so I gave her £300 as a gift (I can afford it and don’t need or expect it back)

However yesterday I saw on Facebook that one of her other friends had posted a photo of a beautiful bunch of flowers, thanking my friend for sending them for absolutely no reason. I honestly can’t tell if I’m BU for being a little annoyed - the flowers didn’t look cheap, and I would have expected her to prioritise her bills and savings if she was in such dire straits. I suppose I feel as though I’ve been a little duped and that her situation isn’t as bad as I was lead to believe.

Fully prepared to be told that I’m a miserable hag!

OP posts:
thisplaceisapigsty · 19/08/2021 09:57

Don't apologise and don't explain, just say no.

C8H10N4O2 · 19/08/2021 10:02

@kowari

This is why I would direct someone to the foodbank or similar services unless I knew their full circumstances. It can often be a budgeting or priorities issue, in my experience people actually struggling don't advertise it.
Are you actually one of the people qualified/accepted as a referrer to a foodbank? If not it is utterly unhelpful to anyone.
Musmerian · 19/08/2021 10:06

@thewooster

My old nan used to say never a borrower nor lender be.

Wise advice, but you felt sorry for her which makes you a kind hearted person. Lesson learned OP, don't be fooled twice.

I think your old Nan nicked that from Shakespeare!
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/08/2021 10:11

I'd probably message and say

"I gifted you £300 as I understood you were in financial hardship. Its lovely to see that those funds have immediately solved all your money worries to the point you can lavish gifts on others. Who knew such a small gesture on my part could have such an immediate and positive effect on what I understood to be a dire situation"

Then I'd block her.

Cheeky bitch.

C8H10N4O2 · 19/08/2021 10:15

YABU unless you gave her the money for something specific.

If you have known her for 20 yrs presumably you must know her well enough to know how she manages money and gave her the money in that context. Does she have a long term money management problem or is she, like many, struggling on the borders of debt and surplus each month?

As PPs say, when someone is in difficult straits its quite common to grab the opportunity to do something nice for someone else who has been helping in some way.

Please don't refer her to a foodbank unless you are a referrer. Its empty help.

If you don't want to give her money without strings but do want to help then maybe there is something else you can do such as offer to watch the DC for an afternoon to give her time to navigate the benefits system or help her work through the bills or to see a debt advisor (or help her find a debt advice charity rather than one of the fake advisors offering loans).

Tohaveandtohold · 19/08/2021 10:20

Yanbu to feel this way.
Your friend has not got her priorities right.

However, I’m thinking maybe this other friend has also given her some money to help with her situation maybe a month ago and she wanted to thank her.
Also, maybe she meant it as her way of appreciating what she did secretly however the other friend posted it on Facebook. She might be seething in silence now

GreyhoundG1rl · 19/08/2021 10:27

@Zorinindustries

Perhaps she was 'paying it forward'.

Perhaps she felt so blessed to have a great friend like you, and so happy for the good fortune of getting a small windfall from you, that she wanted to share a little of that good fortune with someone else who needed cheering up.

And then asked for more... 🙄
QueeniesCroft · 19/08/2021 10:30

Are you actually one of the people qualified/accepted as a referrer to a foodbank? If not it is utterly unhelpful to anyone.

My local (Trussel Trust) foodbank accepts self referrals. Even those that don't would be able to advise on the correct procedure.

OP, for some people, bailing them out financially makes the long term problem worse. If her financial position is indeed so bad that she can't pay basic bills then she needs proper help from a debt charity.

gamerchick · 19/08/2021 10:32

Are you actually one of the people qualified/accepted as a referrer to a foodbank? If not it is utterly unhelpful to anyone

You don't always need a referral, there are some places who don't need them. Pointing someone towards a food bank is better than giving them money.

GCAcademic · 19/08/2021 10:32

I'd comment on that Facebook post for sure:

"Isn't it lovely to have such a generous friend!"

Balgoresboy · 19/08/2021 10:38

YANBU OP but take it as a lesson, if you want to help people give to charity, never listen to sob stories.

JellyRobin · 19/08/2021 10:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Beautiful3 · 19/08/2021 10:43

Think you have to nip this in the bud now, otherwise she's always going to hit you up for money. She obviously is not good with money. Even if you gave her a thousand pounds, she would waste it and ask for more. I'd say I'm sorry I don't have any spare cash. But would offer to help her sit down and budget her money, to see where she's going wrong.

Refreshpage · 19/08/2021 10:44

I had a former friend that was always pleading poverty, we would all buy the drinks and help at lunch meet ups. However, she would always have the latest phone, her nails and eyelashes done and hair cut and colour every 6 weeks so it was a priorities thing and she saw us as cash cows to implement her lifestyle choices.

She asked me for a sizable 'loan'. I discussed with another friend due to the amount requested and she told me not to go there since she had previously loaned her a smaller amount and despite promising to pay back had never bothered yet continued her free spending ways. I said I couldn't afford the loan. She distanced herself from all of us when the free drinks and lunches dried up.... was just a user.

Not saying your friend is @Kitten9 but people do have different priorities when it comes to money. Some would use cash given to clear debts or buy food and rent whereas others would fritter away.

Egghead68 · 19/08/2021 10:45

Sorry but you were silly to give her money (although very well-meaning). Once you had given it to her you can’t expect to have a say in how she spends it.

Don’t give her any more!

Bufffy · 19/08/2021 10:52

Please don’t give her any more money.

I would reply along the lines of

“Unfortunately I’m not able to lend you any more money. I hope that the £300 i already gave you was able to help you on a small way with the financial issues.
Although I’m unable to offer any more monetary aid I’m happy to offer my time and advice. How about we sit down together look at your bills and debts prioritise them, see what can spending be cut down and look at who we can contact to ease some of the pressure on your ie yeh council tax hardship break and your utility companies”

SunShinesBrightly · 19/08/2021 10:55

@Kitten9

I suppose I should have seen this coming… I’ve just woken up to a message from her asking to borrow money to pay her council tax bill. Sigh.
Wow.
NothingIcando · 19/08/2021 10:57

I've been that person. Someone in my life asking for the occasional 20 or 50. Then it turned into every week before 'payday' . Then it turned Into a grand that they needed for their holiday as they didn't bother to save any spending money.
I was a fool and gave it.
They asked for a top up of a couple of hundred til their property sold. Because I got it back in drips and over the course of 2 years, I've been left about 200 short.

I'm not desperate for it back so have just cut ties with them. Messy people. I have learnt my lesson. I just say no now.

WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld · 19/08/2021 11:02

I think this will be the start of the end of your friendship even though that's not what you want
She will keep asking and you will feel resentful

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/08/2021 11:09

... don’t signpost help for her as that opens up conversation

It's fair point, especially with someone who's already mugged you off

IME the truly feckless rarely want "help" anyway - what they want is the money, no questions asked, so there's no hindrance to their lifestyle

Chickychickydodah · 19/08/2021 11:22

I’d be annoyed too and I’d bring it up in conversation when she tries to ask you for more again, which she will do!

BrilloPaddy · 19/08/2021 11:30

I think we've all had friends like this OP.

You need strong boundaries, otherwise your kindness is seen as weakness. And you're just enabling her to carry on being irresponsible.

As often said on here, No is a complete sentence.

Tal45 · 19/08/2021 11:32

You need to nip this in the bud now OP, she's starting to see you as a cash cow. Just tell her simply that you're sorry but you can't lend her anymore. Don't put 'right now' or anything else that suggests you might lend to her again in the future. Keep it short and to the point, if she stops wanting to be friends over it then you've had a lucky escape.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 19/08/2021 11:32

Yanbu. I paid for a day out for my sibling and nieces (train fare, food and drink) as my sibling had told me they were completely skint. Found out the following week they had been for a meal, zoo trip and been clothes shopping.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 19/08/2021 11:38

Say no to the CT bill tell her to contact the council and discuss when she can pay.