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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Buying flowers with no money?

273 replies

Kitten9 · 13/08/2021 07:29

Earlier this week one of my close friends confided her money struggles to me - she lost her job a couple of months ago and due to various factors has not had any income at all. She told me she had absolutely nothing and had maxed out all her credit cards, and was genuinely upset and crying about how she was going to feed her children and keep a roof over their heads. I didn’t get the impression that she was asking me for money, but I wanted to help and so I gave her £300 as a gift (I can afford it and don’t need or expect it back)

However yesterday I saw on Facebook that one of her other friends had posted a photo of a beautiful bunch of flowers, thanking my friend for sending them for absolutely no reason. I honestly can’t tell if I’m BU for being a little annoyed - the flowers didn’t look cheap, and I would have expected her to prioritise her bills and savings if she was in such dire straits. I suppose I feel as though I’ve been a little duped and that her situation isn’t as bad as I was lead to believe.

Fully prepared to be told that I’m a miserable hag!

OP posts:
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 19/08/2021 08:54

So many pps about ‘broke’ people with crazy priorities.

One I heard of from a colleague was constantly pleading poverty and sponging off her DM for essential bills.

Same DM was supermarket shopping with little Gdd when she saw a pink top she thought her Gdd would like, and offered to buy it for her.

Gdd turned her nose up. ‘I only wear designer.’

She was three. Three!

tickledtiger · 19/08/2021 08:59

Realistically I think just ignore the text Blush

LadyDanburysCane · 19/08/2021 09:00

OP has been taken for a mug. It’s a horrible thing for this “friend” to have done - not only will OP not trust her again but OP is now far less likely to help someone who may be in genuine need.

A few years ago I was chatting to a Mum from school at church, her children were around the same age as mine at the time, one if then in DSs class. She was telling me how hard she was finding feeding them during the holidays with no school meals etc.

When I went home I suggested to the children that we invite the family to go out with us to a local (walking distance) petting farm and take a slap up picnic to share with them and buy ice creams etc.

I went on Facebook to contact her and she’d posted a photo of her new designer watch that she had “saved for and it’s so worth it” this watch was over £2000! I spoke to another school Mum The following week at church and found out that the (first) mum lived in one of the “big” local houses and liked to plead poverty so as not to embarrass the poorer families in the parish. She wasn’t at church that week as she was at their second home in France……..

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 19/08/2021 09:01

@Kitten9

I suppose I should have seen this coming… I’ve just woken up to a message from her asking to borrow money to pay her council tax bill. Sigh.
I’d look for local jobs and send her a list and say maybe flowers should have been lower in the pecking order that council tax.
stairgates · 19/08/2021 09:05

Agree, just say 'Sorry, can't help again.' Be prepared for the very convincing creative lies which may follow and do not be suckered in, play along and learn from how amazingly clever people can be and count is as a bargain self awareness course costing £300.

SingingInTheShithouse · 19/08/2021 09:06

YADNBU & she's a massive CF who definitely has her priorities all wrong & would prefer to be showy than pay her friggin bills

You bought those flowers. I'm afraid I wouldn't not have been able to point that out on the post about the flowers. Something like
"Ah, that's so nice of you to use the money I had to give you to pay bills & feed your kids to buy your friend such a lovely bouquet of flowers, such a generous thing to do" but I'm a bitch to CFs

goose1964 · 19/08/2021 09:06

Perhaps you should offer her budgeting advice.

Angryfrommanchester1 · 19/08/2021 09:07

Re the council tax bill, if, and that’s a big if, you do choose to help her I think this should be done in the context of you paying it for her rather than handing over cash, and very strongly sign posting financial assistance at a debt charity plus telling her you’ve seen the flowers (expensive) to her other friend, and you weren’t impressed that she did that. It does sound like she’s burying her head in the sand.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 19/08/2021 09:17

People like this see it that you are "lucky" to have a high income (regardless of how hard you may be working for it/how high your expenses are) and basically feel entitled to share in it "because you don't need it/won't miss it". It actually doesn't help them though as they just never learn to live within the budget they have and becoming increasingly insistent on hand outs.

SingingInTheShithouse · 19/08/2021 09:20

I suppose I should have seen this coming… I’ve just woken up to a message from her asking to borrow money to pay her council tax bill. Sigh.

Crikey, she's a proper CF who now sees you as a cash cow

I really couldn't be arsed to maintain a friendship like that as she's a user. My reply would be "yeah, we'll having seen what you did with the last money I gave you for bills, that definitely won't be happening & I'm offended that you think I'm such a mug that I'll fund you playing flash. Puss off & don't contact me again, yiur not a friend, but a user ... & block her

Phobiaphobic · 19/08/2021 09:21

I have a long term friend like this. Always extracting money and gifts out of other people. I've lent her money and not got it back and then she has the nerve to ask for more. I won't so much as pay for a cup of coffee for her now, because I know it will never be reciprocated.

Some people are just primed to take the piss. Firm boundaries is the only way to preserve a relationship with them.

gamerchick · 19/08/2021 09:21

@Kitten9

I suppose I should have seen this coming… I’ve just woken up to a message from her asking to borrow money to pay her council tax bill. Sigh.
Tell her that actually you were wondering if she could give you what you gave her back as you have an unexpected bill. You'll not hear from her again.

Do not give her any more money as it'll make you a massive mug OP.

A council tax bill is hardly a surprise each month is it? She had money last week.

Lalliella · 19/08/2021 09:25

Comment on the flowers post “Wow, they’re gorgeous”

Reply to the text “What about the money I gave you, is there anything left from that for your bill?”

MadeForThis · 19/08/2021 09:26

Just tell her the £300 was a gift but not something you would be able to do again. Ever.

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 19/08/2021 09:30

I’d be pissed off too but let it go. You have the measure of her now. It’s a lesson learned, she is feckless and not your problem

Dasher789 · 19/08/2021 09:31

@MadeForThis

Just tell her the £300 was a gift but not something you would be able to do again. Ever.
Id do this. I'm not surprised she has come back asking for more but major CF
inmyslippers · 19/08/2021 09:34

I think you're a lovely and kind friend but no amount of money can help someone with such poor money management skills.

Notaroadrunner · 19/08/2021 09:39

What a cow. I'd be really annoyed at the fact she has now come looking for more money. I'd reply that I was actually hoping to get some of the £300 back as your council bill has also arrived. I wouldn't pay for as much as a cup of tea for her ever again.

JadeSeahorse · 19/08/2021 09:39

She has got to be joking! 😡

CF doesn't even cut it!

My response would be, "So sorry but I have helped out as much as possible. You really should have paid your council tax before buying flowers."

Job done!

She is not your friend! She is a SPONGER!!

HedgeVeg · 19/08/2021 09:41

I've experienced similar.
Had a friend with a newborn, massively struggling for money - lots of sobbing and talking about how awful it was.
I gifted her £200 (and I wasn't flush myself) and two days later she goes and gets a tattoo.

In many cases (of course not all), the reason why people are in financial difficulties is because they can't manage their money.

toolazytothinkofausername · 19/08/2021 09:43

@Kitten9

I suppose I should have seen this coming… I’ve just woken up to a message from her asking to borrow money to pay her council tax bill. Sigh.
She sees your kindness as weakness. She is taking advantage of you. Simply reply, "sorry, no". I promise after that she will suddenly no longer want to be your friend.

But, this is no reflection on you. You are not weak. You are what the world needs desperately. We need people with kind hearts who want to help others and make the world a better place.

TootTootTootToot · 19/08/2021 09:44

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t have mentioned the flowers to her.

I wouldn’t lend or give her anymore money because it would annoy me too much to see her waste it.

MacavityTheDentistsCat · 19/08/2021 09:45

I think the flowers are actually a bit of a red herring , OP, because you don't really have any information about whether your friend did or did not spend some of the £300 on them. However, I think your reaction to the suggestion that she may have done so shows that you're not truly comfortable with giving and lending money (and nor am I!) so I'd simply tell your friend that you can't help again financially and offer whatever other help you feel you can give (e.g. point her to the CAB for assistance with debt scheduling, etc.)

ElleGee1 · 19/08/2021 09:49

Maybe she has been helped out money wise by this friend too and the flowers are a thank you, which of course you paid for.
A friend of mine would ask me for money all the time, she knows I am good with money and have a stash saved.. however I came to the conclusion she would have plenty of money if she didn’t go out every other night and buy clothes constant. She would borrow money and then have the cheek to say she spent the last £40 quid on a jacket and didn’t know how she would afford the kids packed lunches 🤣 I told her to take the jacket back and never loaned her money again. Told her now I have 2 kids I don’t have the money, which isn’t true..
this friend was begging and borrowing from all friends and still does.

sunglassesonthetable · 19/08/2021 09:55

Your friend sounds like she's in a mess with money. Spending everything she has on fripperies with no impulse control or budgeting in an adult way. So spending on flowers with the Council Tax bill coming up.

You wisely say that you gave that money as a gift and not a loan OP. Let it go. It has shown you how out of control things are with her. You sound like a good friend.

You friend needs help OP but NOT your money. Until she gets her finances under control it will be good after bad.

You could mention the flowers in terms of the bigger picture and discussing whether she needs help with whole situation. It's probably bad.

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