No, most step mothers do not "know what they're getting into"

[Wobb]

How could they if it's their first experience of being a step parent or having a blended family?

"You went into this with your eyes wide open"

Yes indeed, full of good intentions and hopes for the future in most cases.

Nobody can predict how dynamics will play out later on down the line.

I don't think any step parent enters into the role, choosing to settle down with somebody who has a first family, in full knowledge that they will be miserable or not cut out for it. What a ridiculous thing to say.

Please stop saying this to step parents who are finding it difficult.

I also think that in many situations, the issue is the partner, but the SM is still too much in love to see it.

I wasn't too impressed when my OH announced that he was expecting a baby with his new partner. Not because I was jealous, or because I thought he would be less of a dad to my kids, but because for months, I'd been battling for him to pay anything in maintenance, with him constantly giving me 'poor me' excuses. I didn't go to the CA because I knew it would stress him even more, I was just expecting him to be reasonable and accept to help with his kids especially when I was paying a fortune in childcare as I worked FT and I was getting next to nothing in benefits because I was just above the threshold. He made promises and then went no contact each time I chased because once again, there as no money transferred.

Of course he said the baby was an accident, except I knew it wasn't because my kids had told me that they had talked to them and asked how they felt about having a sibling. She didn't work, had three kids already, so my ex supported them all and gave me the round about because in his view, our kids and I didn't need the money as much as they did.

There are often two stories to each situation but we often only hear one side.

My mother wasn't cut out to be a mum and I've never known my father. Two factors that probably made me all the more determined to have a happy family unit and work extra hard on it.

This makes sense. And again I agree with @billy1966.

Your roots 3 hrs away, do you even have much family or support there?
Esp if you work locally it be possible to move out but stay relatively local?

It’s probably easier to leave/relocate before DC starts school, but there’s no reason why you cannot start to build a new life.

With emotional distance you may view your DP differently anyway.

@Wobb

How could they if it's their first experience of being a step parent or having a blended family?

"You went into this with your eyes wide open"

Yes indeed, full of good intentions and hopes for the future in most cases.

Nobody can predict how dynamics will play out later on down the line.

I don't think any step parent enters into the role, choosing to settle down with somebody who has a first family, in full knowledge that they will be miserable or not cut out for it. What a ridiculous thing to say.

Please stop saying this to step parents who are finding it difficult.

I'm not in this position anymore but I was for seven years. I was 20. He was 32. His kids were 11, 9 and 5 when I met him. They lived with him full time and he very much groomed me, I feel. I went from being my own person to being stepmother to kids who went out of their way to make my life a misery. I was very abused by my ex and by his oldest son and daughter, which only intensified when my own kids were born. We are totally NC and honestly, the ten years I've been free of that situation have been amazing. But the damage it did to my confidence, my coping mechanisms etc... I still feel those. No matter what I did for those children, it was never ever enough. Their dad was shit with money, I was the one that worked and took care of the house and fed them while he sat on his lazy arse or lazed in bed. I spent all year budgeting for Christmas so I could get them presents they really wanted, and in return, they'd do horrible things to destroy my gifts- crushing a box of chocolates, spitting phlegm into wine, snapping the chain of a necklace, throwing my new books into the bath, or squirting all my shower gel into the toilet. Why? I don't bloody know. I did everything for them. Their dad never did anything about the way they treated me: all he would do was tell me if I left, he'd make sure I couldn't take my own babies with me. He'd tell people I was crazy etc. And so did they. They told school I was beating them up so I would get investigated by social services, then laughed at my distress. I expect they all grew up into the absolute spiteful bastards they were destined to be. They're all in their twenties now. Haven't seen any of them in over ten years and I hope I never do. I genuinely do feel like my twenties were stolen from me

Quattro - so the ex wife 'acting like a twat affects your children', but their dad setting up with a new woman doesn't affect them?

I imagine it to be the hardest and most thankless job in the world, to be a step parent and one that never feels especially rewarding unless you are particularly lucky and the children were extremely young from the beginning.

This is why I avoided men (and women) with children like the plague when I was looking for a relationship.

@Macncheeseballs

Quattro - so the ex wife 'acting like a twat affects your children', but their dad setting up with a new woman doesn't affect them?

Of course it effects them, everyone has the right to move in with their life. Of course it should be done in an appropriate way. There is no appropriate way to abuse your ex that doesn't harm your children. What a strange comparison to make to try and justify bad behaviour.

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

What is this bollocks about the whole responsibility of a relationship working out being dependent on a whole other woman?! Look to your OHs if you want a good step parenting relationship. Not their exes.

But hey if in doubt blame the nearest woman right

You can always tell by posters comments on here if they are a decent ex wife or a bitchy one.

Depends what you class as 'decent' and if the exH deserves that level of "decency". My exH wanted to skip a week of seeing the kids (he only sees them EOW as it is) so he could go on a cheaper holiday with his girlfriend. I said no, pick a week where you won't be seeing the children, we stick to the routine above anything else. I was called names, worse than 'indecent' but I could give a shit, the kids don't owe him a week's grace from being a dad just so he can save £100 on a holiday they weren't invited on.

You just can't accept that some women are horrible bastards can you?

The issues in out step parenting scenario were 10% down to the ex.

I can buy that you have no idea when you first get involved but I’d imagine a few months and certainly a few years down the line, you surely know what to expect.

I think posters write this when someone has had children with someone who already has children and they’re wanting to exclude the stepchildren in some way. Why have your own children with them if you don’t really like the stepchildren involved? There are surely plenty of people who don’t already have kids to procreate with.

*100%

@Hemingwaycat

I can buy that you have no idea when you first get involved but I’d imagine a few months and certainly a few years down the line, you surely know what to expect.

I think posters write this when someone has had children with someone who already has children and they’re wanting to exclude the stepchildren in some way. Why have your own children with them if you don’t really like the stepchildren involved? There are surely plenty of people who don’t already have kids to procreate with.

Rtft. Your comment is quite offensive.

I think posters write this when someone has had children with someone who already has children and they’re wanting to exclude the stepchildren in some way. Why have your own children with them if you don’t really like the stepchildren involved

I have always strived to include DSC in everything possible.

@FuckingFabulous

Well done for getting away.

I 100% some men absolutely go looking for a young, naive, vulnerable young woman to fill the role of house skivvy/aupair so they can avoid parenting themselves.

Years ago a good friend of mine in her early 30's got involved with a guy who had a child.
I told her she was mad.
Things went on for a while and one weekend she was staying with him and he made arrangements to go for a pint on a Saturday night with a friend, leaving her in charge.
We gave her such teasing over being an awful gobshite and I think she suddenly saw it.
She ended things and he was all apologetic yada yada, but she told him he had an awful cheek thinking he could use her as a babysitter.

A man with a couple of children has nothing to offer a young woman as far as I am concerned.

Looking after children is really hard work.

Why ANY young woman would sell themselves so short God only knows, because it is a road to huge disappointment in most cases.

I could have done with knowing you years ago Billy, I think you'd have brought me to my senses

@Wobb

I could have done with knowing you years ago Billy, I think you'd have brought me to my senses

Quite possibly 🤣, we brutally mocked her!

Mind you, we are very, very, old school friends and have always had each others backs.

Funny thing is, she married a man that adores her and she chose not to have a family with him.

She has a huge career which is very high profile, and realised in her late 30's that her career was her baby and her joy.

She has never regretted it.

But the truth is that women like you, who leave and create a different future are incredibly brave and I am hugely in awe and full of admiration.

It is so difficult for so many to do.

What does seem to be a common denominator, depressingly common, and almost always overlooked by all - the man in these AIBU situations. However tricky the scenario, he seems to float above and separate to it all, somehow opinion-less, blameless - verging on invisible with seemingly no input to decisions. I find that consistent and bizarre. There was a recent holiday one where step mum wasn't going to invite step child on holiday. Husband seemingly no input in this situation although funnily enough being the only adult to be the parent of all the children involved. How strange that is, and how often it's accepted on here. Id like to see less spats between the mums and more stepping up from the dads - imagine that!

What does seem to be a common denominator, depressingly common, and almost always overlooked by all - the man in these AIBU situations. However tricky the scenario, he seems to float above and separate to it all, somehow opinion-less, blameless - verging on invisible with seemingly no input to decisions

I can see what you're saying, I've seen a few exchanges which suggest that's the case.

In our case, DH has always stepped up to the plate for DSC and is a good father. The problem lies with how he deals with any conflict with his ex - in short he doesn't.

He falls short hugely in this regard.

I have no contact whatsoever with her now because of the way I have been treat so everything goes through him, as it should.

Unfortunately for me this means that any issues I have are never acknowledged because he is a peacekeeper to everybody's detriment.

It's like the covid tests thing. Last year he and I agreed between us that DSC needed to be tested before going between households if they ever had symptoms.

I stressed that he must relay that to his ex, as we would be keeping to our side of things and testing them if they came down with symptoms whilst with us.

Suffice to say ex sent them here, more than once, with covid symptoms having had no tests. We then tested them but that's besides the point, if they had been positive they would be kept here with us regardless and everybody else would've been exposed including my CEV elderly relative who I was in a support bubble with for the purpose of providing care.

I was extremely upset about it and DH got both barrels, he didn't relay any of that back to her though. He would sooner I get upset and he gets it in the ear than take any sort of stand against anything she says or does, because she'll whip out the "you're not seeing them" card.

It's very spineless.

So whilst I will always maintain that she's a very toxic person, I fully acknowledge I have a DH problem aswell.

Leave him to it OP.

You have lost enough years to this stress.

It sounds tedious, to say the least.

I was more than happy to enter into a relationship with my STBXH, knowing he has a DS from a previous relationship (he was 12 at the time). I had a 2yo myself.

I'd been warned that DSS's mother was an absolute piece of work, and those people weren't wrong. Clinically diagnosed NPD, and as a result she's made every effort to destroy the life of my STBXH, and me, in the process. She's spent the past 10 years doing it, and she's never even met me.

It's desperately sad, because DSS was fundamentally a good kid who suffered dreadfully for being the scapegoat in the family. He went off the rails. STBXH was a weak and ineffective parent to him, and the cacophony of bullshit was a massive reason for me choosing to divorce him.

You don't realise you're entering Hell until the door slams shut behind you.

@WomanStanleyWoman

I don't think any step parent enters into the role, choosing to settle down with somebody who has a first family, in full knowledge that they will be miserable or not cut out for it. What a ridiculous thing to say.

It’s also pretty ridiculous to say that stepparents don’t know what they’re getting into. Of course they don’t know exactly how it will turn out - but they all know it will be difficult. How could you not?

But you could say that of any parents. We're told parenting is hard, but we can't understand the challenges until we are deep in it (own children, step,or adopted).

You just can't accept that some women are horrible bastards can you?

That works both ways. Step mums rarely acknowledge that there are plenty amongstvthem who treat children terribly and who are part of the problem when it comes to dealing with issues with the ex.

Last year he and I agreed between us that DSC needed to be tested before going between households if they ever had symptoms. I stressed that he must relay that to his ex, as we would be keeping to our side of things and testing them if they came down with symptoms whilst with us

So really what you’re saying here is it was your household’s decision that testing should take place and without any discussion with the ex about whether or not it would work for her. Indeed, the fact that she had to test was ‘relayed’ to her. Now I agree testing is a good idea (and I am pretty sure my ex’s refusal to test whilst symptomatic very briefly brought covid into my home and made me very unwell) but you cannot force that on someone else. There does need to be discussion, give and take, understanding.

@Getawaywithit

Last year he and I agreed between us that DSC needed to be tested before going between households if they ever had symptoms. I stressed that he must relay that to his ex, as we would be keeping to our side of things and testing them if they came down with symptoms whilst with us

So really what you’re saying here is it was your household’s decision that testing should take place and without any discussion with the ex about whether or not it would work for her. Indeed, the fact that she had to test was ‘relayed’ to her. Now I agree testing is a good idea (and I am pretty sure my ex’s refusal to test whilst symptomatic very briefly brought covid into my home and made me very unwell) but you cannot force that on someone else. There does need to be discussion, give and take, understanding.

It was the government's expectation of all of us, every person in the UK was instructed to get tested if displaying any of the key symptoms.

All I did was reiterate the importance to DH and ask that he speak to his ex about ensuring she was following the guidance too because we would be.

There does need to be discussion, give take and understanding yes. The problem was 1) she's irresponsible and 2) he doesn't take her to task over irresponsibility, even when it puts others at risk.

I'm referring to when we were at the height of the pandemic btw, before vaccinations when "test test test" was the protocol.

Stepchild here, my bitch of a stepmother moved in with my DF with her precious daughter when I was 10. She was awful and treated me like a skivvy, told lies about me. I left home at 18 and started my life. When my DD rang me to say she was thinking of marrying her boyfriend who had a 2 year old son and she was worried about her relationship with the LO. I was very "bossy" and and told her they came as a package which must not be tampered with. She read a lot about step parenting They did marry and
lived very happily as a family of 3 so not all stepmother's are bad.