No, most step mothers do not "know what they're getting into"

[Wobb]

How could they if it's their first experience of being a step parent or having a blended family?

"You went into this with your eyes wide open"

Yes indeed, full of good intentions and hopes for the future in most cases.

Nobody can predict how dynamics will play out later on down the line.

I don't think any step parent enters into the role, choosing to settle down with somebody who has a first family, in full knowledge that they will be miserable or not cut out for it. What a ridiculous thing to say.

Please stop saying this to step parents who are finding it difficult.

On mumsnet there are some extreme views - it is always disney dad and the ex causing the issues - rare for the Step parent of either description to look at themselves and there actions.

Multifactorial reasons make it difficult but on here the constant sniping at how the DSCs are being raised, no discipline, no manners, etc etc. It is the exception at the moment for anyone to say they like their DSCs.

The refusal to do anything for the DSCs as it is their DFs job - to the point of not cooking a meal for them - is beyond my comprehension.

2DCs of my own, 3 DSCs and the bonus - 2 of my DSCs are fab, the middle one is hard hard work but we make it work I am cooking for all or none we are getting a take way. I tell DSCs to wash, lay the table, tidy up exactly like I do my own DCs - some people seem to make it harder than it needs to eb in their own homes.

And yes I did know what I was getting into in some aspects but not in the others. Some bits are easy and some bits are hard - some people just do not want to compromise

@Wobb I'm so sorry. It's so hard isn't it. If it's better for you and your child to walk away, you should do that. There is nothing wrong with deciding that you've given it your all, it didn't work out and you need to move away from the situation.

@funinthesun19. What were those expectations? Was she hoping that, since her ex wouldn't parent their kids properly, you would step in?

I didn’t mind stepping in to look after their dc when my ex wouldn’t. But I do think she was wrong to be so comfortable with that. I wish she’d have had a go at him for it being that way but she never did. She wasn’t unreasonable to expect me to keep her child safe and well cared for as a responsible adult and that’s what I did. But she must have known how it all went down.
My children have no stepmum to look out for them the way their older sibling had me. It does bring it all home to me how undervalued stepmums are and how much undeserved crap they get thrown at them.

It was other things that I felt were unreasonable. I really can’t be bothered going in to it though.

Yup. I had no idea my stepson was going to turn out to be a paedo that would groom my ds. I wish I had never clapped eyes on him.

When you meet someone with a 4 year old you have no idea how the future is going to go, all you can do is go into it with the best of intentions sometimes it works out sometimes it doesn't like most things in life.

But why does anyone have to like their stepchildren? Especially if they're rude or unkind. You can't force yourself to like anybody! You just treat them with respect and kindness as best you can but with your ex very much taking the lead.

Some of my friend's kids I cannot stand for a minute but at least I can tell them off if they're mean to my kids. I imagine if they were my stepchildren that creates a really fucking messy dynamic?

The difficulty is also that ime preteen and young teens can be really difficult, it was the worst age for mine, as mid/older teens they were great.

And as a step parent that must be doubly difficult as there is an element of just having to suck it up and get through it which i think would be easier with children that you have birthed. Then you might have a younger child of your own who is just easier because they are younger and your own.

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

But why does anyone have to like their stepchildren? Especially if they're rude or unkind. You can't force yourself to like anybody! You just treat them with respect and kindness as best you can but with your ex very much taking the lead.

Some of my friend's kids I cannot stand for a minute but at least I can tell them off if they're mean to my kids. I imagine if they were my stepchildren that creates a really fucking messy dynamic?

I think the issue is the blurred lines, isn't it?

As you say with a friend's child you can do that. With a step child you're expected to parent them, but often never discipline them. Treat them like your own, but don't.

I should add - there are plenty of happy blended families, some examples given here but also from what I’ve seen.

I posted earlier in the week about a blended and re-blended family (so x2 sets of adult siblings, plus current and ex SP) and the various half/step grandchildren at a party I attended.

Everyone old/new partners and SP/SCs were interacting with each other and the kids (eg original ex playing with grandkids of newer ex, ie her children’s half siblings kids if you are still with me).

It’s not always been smooth but it was really nice to witness.

@Goldbar

Similarly to *@Thadhiya*, I think a lot of relationships end because men don't pull their weight. They then get panicked by and resentful of the drudgery of having to care for their children single-handedly and seek another female to offload their responsibilities onto. The situation becomes complicated when a new baby arrives, step-mum becomes more financially dependent on the dad and he takes advantage of her being trapped by loading the chores and children onto her. Meanwhile, he's probably still a shit father to his first kids so his ex gets annoyed with him and feels she's doing most of the work (which she is) since he only has them EOW and pays the minimum. And she can't understand why step-mum is with him and runs after him. So her resentment is added into the mix. And step-mum feels her child isn't prioritised (which they're not) and that she's being treated as a skivvy and live-in free childcare (which she probably is). And the kids resent her because it's easier to believe that your step-mum is evil then that your dad's a bit shit. Toxic all round, really.

This !!!

I think you're quite right. And when people have their own children and then struggle you don't hear people saying 'everyone knows babies are hard - you went into this with your eyes open'.

I'm so sorry you're finding it hard. All you can do is your best.

The only way I'd enter into a blended family of sorts is if the man I was with was a millionaire/billionaire type.

@funinthesun19 did you ever tell her that you were doing the caring or a simple ‘no, that doesn’t work for me’?

It’s just your post makes it sound like you assumed she should have known you might have an issue looking after her child?

If you are worried about leaving your DC with ex (which it sounds like?) then maybe she wouldn’t have left hers if she knew you weren’t there. Is that why their relationship ended?
Because he was unreliable?

@Budsaway I’ve no words, that’s horrific. I’m so sorry

Wobb: Sadly at this moment in time I have already have one foot out of the door. I don't think I will last another year. I'm depressed and just lately all I've done is fantasize about how much simpler my life could be.
..........
I'm so sorry, Wobb. Depression is terrible. You certainly could feel much better if you were not living with your partner and, part time, with his children. Do put your health first.

You don't say if you have one or more children of your own or their ages. At 23, when you got together with partner, you were very young to be taking on such responsibilities. I quite agree that nobody knows what it will be like as a step parent until they are actually living the role. It works for some. I wouldn't have wanted to do it.

Let us know how you get on.

@LittleGwyneth to be fair I’ve said that about myself plenty a time when I’ve found parenting challenging (non-sleeper). That I choose this so I have to suck it up.

*I don’t think SPs should suck it up, as I said earlier if the package doesn’t work for me I’d move on.
Mind you I keep hoping my non-sleeper toddler will change at some point so maybe that’s the answer to my theory.

@Goldbar

Similarly to *@Thadhiya*, I think a lot of relationships end because men don't pull their weight. They then get panicked by and resentful of the drudgery of having to care for their children single-handedly and seek another female to offload their responsibilities onto. The situation becomes complicated when a new baby arrives, step-mum becomes more financially dependent on the dad and he takes advantage of her being trapped by loading the chores and children onto her. Meanwhile, he's probably still a shit father to his first kids so his ex gets annoyed with him and feels she's doing most of the work (which she is) since he only has them EOW and pays the minimum. And she can't understand why step-mum is with him and runs after him. So her resentment is added into the mix. And step-mum feels her child isn't prioritised (which they're not) and that she's being treated as a skivvy and live-in free childcare (which she probably is). And the kids resent her because it's easier to believe that your step-mum is evil then that your dad's a bit shit. Toxic all round, really.

This, absolutely this.

It depends in if the ex wife is a decent person or not. When they are actively sniping, encouraging the kids to feel conflicted and bitching about their dad and his new partner - it makes new or blended relationships very difficult. If they are a decent person it’s relatively smooth. You can always tell by posters comments on here if they are a decent ex wife or a bitchy one.

Well this is the benefit of online dating, you can see upfront if the person has kids.
I would not advise my dd to get with someone who has a child. Everyone is entitled to their own preferences.
Some blended families work, others don 't.

@Dragon50

I’m sorry OP. As *@billy1966* says you do deserve better.

Also (and I mean this kindly) are your DC even getting the best of you because of a toxic home life and the effect it has on kids? I say the same for the SKs but that’s their parents look out really.

Relationships are a package, if the package is detrimental then maybe it’s time to move on.

Honestly? No, my DC aren't getting the best of me at all lately.

I'm impatient and intolerant, something I never was before. I'm generally apathetic about life, depressed.

I'm so far removed from the cheerful and optimistic person I used to be when I met DH. I have lost myself in the haze of trying to live up to the standards I set myself when I met him and was full of good intentions. The toll of gladly taking my seat at the bottom of the line has finally worn thin.

I had PND in part (not entirely) down to a barrage of shit thrust upon me by ex and her family after my son was born and I don't think I ever recovered nor can I forget. I have some resentment toward DH for his lack of handling it well.

I want to go back north to where I come from which isn't possible if I remain with DH as ofc DSC need to remain a priority.

I think it is time to move on.

@EineReiseDurchDieZeit

I think from reading many a thread on this topic, the main problems are :

Show "too little" interest and you are cold.
Show "too much" interest and you are overstepping AND WHO ARE YOU

Clashes in rules and expectations between households

Not being able to plan as you might want because Contact comes first

The Honeymoon phase is an illusion that doesn't last, and problems that were once minor become consuming

And even with just these things so many ongoing minor issues stem from these things.

This is spot on and IMO it’s common knowledge.

I just never got involved when I hear a man has a child, or children, that was a deal breaker for me no matter how attractive the whole package and idea of a relationship might have appeared.

And I’m very sorry this has been so hard for you and wish all the best to you and your family.

For every struggling Stepmum who's trying to do the right thing you will find an equal amount of nice ex's who just want a quiet life and a peaceful and fair co-parenting situation. On the other side of the coin we have manipulative ex's and stepmums who think their DP's children are obstacles in the way of their lives...and in the middle of this you 99.9% of the time find the man who's trying to keep all the women in his life on an even keel and usually failing miserably.

What is this bollocks about the whole responsibility of a relationship working out being dependent on a whole other woman?!
Look to your OHs if you want a good step parenting relationship. Not their exes.

But hey if in doubt blame the nearest woman right

You can always tell by posters comments on here if they are a decent ex wife or a bitchy one.

Depends what you class as 'decent' and if the exH deserves that level of "decency". My exH wanted to skip a week of seeing the kids (he only sees them EOW as it is) so he could go on a cheaper holiday with his girlfriend. I said no, pick a week where you won't be seeing the children, we stick to the routine above anything else. I was called names, worse than 'indecent' but I could give a shit, the kids don't owe him a week's grace from being a dad just so he can save £100 on a holiday they weren't invited on.

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

How old is your child OP? What's your week to week life like? Do you do big family holiday? How's your child's relationship with their siblings?

3.5

Week to week life is hugely dictated by DH's work and DSC contact schedule.

Life is 'small' for me, very little by way of me time or spontaneity.

We have had some holidays yes.

My DC adores them. Very much.

I have to admit I was the same thesunday it's not helpful to the op but every one has a choice. Dating an older man at 23 who has kids, as my beloved, wise, grandma would have said"You want your neck washing! " Roughly translated to mean "You must be bloody joking!"

@Wobb how far away is north from where you are? I moved back home after leaving exH, 2 hours away from him and the distance works so well for us.