No, most step mothers do not "know what they're getting into"

[Wobb]

How could they if it's their first experience of being a step parent or having a blended family?

"You went into this with your eyes wide open"

Yes indeed, full of good intentions and hopes for the future in most cases.

Nobody can predict how dynamics will play out later on down the line.

I don't think any step parent enters into the role, choosing to settle down with somebody who has a first family, in full knowledge that they will be miserable or not cut out for it. What a ridiculous thing to say.

Please stop saying this to step parents who are finding it difficult.

@Budsaway

Yup. I had no idea my stepson was going to turn out to be a paedo that would groom my ds. I wish I had never clapped eyes on him.

When you meet someone with a 4 year old you have no idea how the future is going to go, all you can do is go into it with the best of intentions sometimes it works out sometimes it doesn't like most things in life.

Christ. I'm so so sorry

I just never got involved when I hear a man has a child, or children, that was a deal breaker for me no matter how attractive the whole package and idea of a relationship might have appeared.

Same. I can 100% see why a 23yo woman though would want a mature man with a cute child he loves, when 23yo men are mostly childish idiots. I may have done it myself if the right person came along, lack of life experience and all that - and I agree wth a PP, these men seek out naive women who have no experience (nor do their friends) of how awful blended families can be

@Wobb

The other pattern that you very much see her through no fault of the woman is that they really have no idea how different they will see everything once they have their own child

It's biology, it's evolution, it's hormones. If everything is going as it should for the mother that baby is Priority 1.

And that powderkeg of feelings really suddenly enhances everything that you had repressed that was dissatisfactory about your husband as a partner or a father

I genuinely know of many women who naively assumed they would be capable of "loving a SDC just as much as their own" until they had that experience.

It doesn't make them terrible people, just naive.

I just never got involved when I hear a man has a child, or children, that was a deal breaker for me no matter how attractive the whole package and idea of a relationship might have appeared.

This might be easy in your 20s and 30s, think this gets increasingly harder with age though.

Also, how about a man who has a child but isn't really involved in their life - lives hours away and barely sees them? Would that still put you off? Our perhaps put you off for different reasons?

I agree with you 100% OP. It is also true when people (thinking specifically of Anthony Armstrong-Jones, Princess Diana and Meghan Markle) marry into royalty and then dislike it. How on earth can anyone say they knew what they were getting into? None of us can know the unknown.

I married a man very similar to me in age, class, education and ethnic background. Even then I didn't know what I was getting into. Nor did he. Luckily it worked out well but even now, 34 years, on he still surprises me sometimes.

Of course they don’t know exactly how it will turn out - but they all know it will be difficult. How could you not?

I was 26 when I met my DH who had a 4 year old son. I had no experience of the relationship between a child and step-parent so I didn't have any idea what it would be like. Also, when you start dating you don't think if yourself immediately as "step-parent to be". In many relationships with previous children, you won't even meet the child until you've already established a relationship and feelings.

I've known my DSS for 18 years now. I had a pretty good experience if being a step-parent and I hope it was a positive experience for him to. We get on well, but it was still hard and many, many things came up over the years that I was unprepared for.

I always find on MN as well that there is an assumption that where a relationship with children has broken down it is always the man's fault therefore sympathy should lie with the ex-partner. Certainly wasn't the case with my DH where the decision to end the relationship was entirely hers.

I'm a step mother although if asked he'll say I'm his mum. We get on great!

At 23 I don't see how you could have known. Your DH would have though and to tie someone so young down to that life is pretty shitty I think. He gets a young, naive and pliable caretaker for his children and you get all the shit that comes from that.
At 23 you should have been living your life carefree. You're still young but continuing to feel like you are is now a choice. Put yourself first because you don't want your child being raised by someone who is so unhappy. Believe me, it will affect them greatly.

Sounds shit for you op.
Tbf I wouldn’t have wanted my 23 year old dd to get involved with this…luckily she didn’t. Did your parents warn you of the pitfalls and express concern for you having a relationship with someone with dcs?

The place I'm from is 3 hours away by car, so not the other side of the world but will make things alot trickier for DH if I did relocate.

As time goes on I think more and more about doing it. I'm in alot of internal conflict because despite the lows over the years I will miss him so much and ofc DSC.

Unfortunately I didn't have parents to forewarn me against getting tied down so young. My mother wasn't cut out to be a mum and I've never known my father. Two factors that probably made me all the more determined to have a happy family unit and work extra hard on it.

I don’t know how people do it.

Let’s be honest - relationships fail for a reason and more often than not it’s because one party in that relationship has been a dick. Whether that’s the man or the woman. You then add someone else (new partner) into the mix and of course 90% of the time it’s going to be a disaster.

To have no control over who one parent is bringing into your child’s life is a scary thought and too often it seems to be done very quickly and without much thought. So of course the other person rails against it and it all spirals.

People probably don’t give it much thought until it’s too late and all of a sudden they’re the Evil Step Mother.

@EineReiseDurchDieZeit

I think from reading many a thread on this topic, the main problems are :

Show "too little" interest and you are cold.
Show "too much" interest and you are overstepping AND WHO ARE YOU

Clashes in rules and expectations between households

Not being able to plan as you might want because Contact comes first

The Honeymoon phase is an illusion that doesn't last, and problems that were once minor become consuming

And even with just these things so many ongoing minor issues stem from these things.

This is spot on!! I'm stuck in the too little/too much situation at the moment. If I don't include the DSC for something as they are with their mum / not interested their mother says I'm not treating them the same. However when I do include them for days out, clubs, treats, shopping their mother says to DP 'who the f* does she think she is buying them things or organising that for them' she's not their mother!!!

@Wobb don’t you worry about just repeating the cycle if you do leave the relationship? Of course I’m not saying that’s a reason to stay because you sound bloody miserable but you’re young so presumably you would want another relationship at some point in the future.

Maybe then you were looking for a father figure and a family to join? I could be wrong, but you may have been susceptible due to your formative years?

@80sPadme what you’ve said there reminds me of a lot of threads I read on here where MILs are the subject! One minute they’re overbearing, the next disinterested, why have they bought this, why haven’t they bought this. I know I’ve felt some crazy things about my MIL. I wonder if the feelings towards Step Mums and MILs stem from the same place inside ‘us’ as women. Both are people we haven’t chosen to be in our/our child’s life but we just have to accept that they are.

I think my own lack of a family definitely made me susceptible to idealising the situation I entered into.

I didn't see DH as a potential father figure of my own per se but was certainly enamoured by the thought of being with a devoted father, family man, because I always knew that I wanted children myself and he looked like a great prospect on paper. Hard working. Caring. Would walk over broken glass for his children. A good man.

I would worry about the cycle repeating itself if I left yes, which is why given the experience I now have with the realities of step/blended families I would be extremely reluctant if not totally unprepared to have another serious relationship whilst my DC is so young.

I do not see why a potential thread would go ‘Ah! We have found our happy, blended family! AMA’.
By definition, Mumsnet is a forum where people come for advice and experience. I don’t see anyone asking for help if they do not need it. So this is quite a biased sample.

Hmm I think they do, I won’t date a man with kids as I don’t want to be a step mum, I have my own so I realise that’s unfair but I’m happy to stay single in that case.

In a kind of way you we’re very much susceptible to entering this type of relationship op…it’s not best for you and your child.

If they tried looking beyond the man and the love goggles before getting into it , then they'd have an inkling as to whether things will be difficult, or not.

Most of the problems are caused by men who don't pull their weight and expect their new wife to do all the childcare, or are Disney Dads.

Instead of directly tackling their husband, women moan at other women and get into altercations about what is thought about stepmums. Normally including moaning about a stepchild too.

Going around in circles, instead of to the source of the problem.

Waste of time. Tell the man. If
difficulties can't be discussed with him then there's no point being in relationship.

Think of your dc now, they are the most important to you.

It's a hard one, I get that it is unfair to say someone went in with their eyes wide open, but as part of any potential relationship most people look at the long term viability of their partner, their job, their lifestyle, any children etc and the likely problems you will face in the future, if you are childless and dating someone with children then alot of their time will be taken up by childcare and won't have the same free time as what you would have and so you would need to compromise on the things you can and cannot do and the places you can goto if children are coming,
Generally it's the same problems no matter what with step children, seems to get worse when there's then a blended family. them misbehaving, having to provide childcare for them even though their not yours, dramas with the exes, can't do the things you want to do, you have 7 child free days each week where as partner may only have 1 or 2, days out and holidays will need to be family orientated, the list goes on. If your don't mind that lifestyle and are prepared to put the effort it it could be worth while.

“I didn't see DH as a potential father figure of my own per se but was certainly enamoured by the thought of being with a devoted father, family man, because I always knew that I wanted children myself and he looked like a great prospect on paper. Hard working. Caring. Would walk over broken glass for his children. A good man.”

I have a friend who was 26 when she met her now H. He was 45 with 2 young children. She said that men her own age were not ready to settle whilst this 45 had proved he wanted children, was a good father and was pretty domesticated unlike her peers.

OP,

You are stronger and braver than you know.

You have posted on a thread where your self awareness is fantastic.

You know you made a mistake, you know why, you know that you aren't your best self and you know you want something more.

You sound like you have really great clarity, despite your difficulties.

Be very proud of that.

Now you need a plan.

You need to demonstrably step back from all that you are doing.

You need to focus on your relationship with YOUR child.

You need to detach and disengage.

You need to look at the practicalities of your situation and making a plan to get leave.

Detaching and focusing on YOUR self care will help you so much.

I have no doubt you were targeted for naivety, youth, and kind nature.

It is a common theme on MN.

But this decision does not have to be the end of your story.

Start making a plan.

You can do this.
Keep posting

To respond to the debate, I'd say yes and no. When you are young, childless, with little life experience, I'd say that indeed, you probably don't totally know what you are getting into.

When you older, already have kids, the guy has 2 + children, either very little or teenagers, who has only been separated for a few months, whose life is unsettled, when relationship with the ex is bad, kids are confused, and you move in with him after only dating for a few months, then everything goes very wrong, I think it's disingeneous, to be play the innocent and say that you couldn't have foreseen things going wrong.