First time here eek

[pickle46]

Hello All
First time poster, what do I need to know about how Mumsnet works.
Any tips would be great
Thanks in advance to those who reply

If your drive has no dropped kerb it's a patio with aspirations so don't get annoyed if people block you in. If you have a dropped kerb and get blocked in please make a thread immediately and include a diagram.

Don't Google penguin bollards or the ads will follow.

I've reported this thread...

...and nominated it for Classics.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics

Don't be entitled (but you probably are, we all are 🤣)

Don't ever blank out swear words (you're an adult you know), or try to be too funny

Get married always but do not have a wedding, unless it's in a tent in your garden and you tell NOBODY.

If you want a certain response, understand how to position it, as follows:
Could really do with my parents help, they're retired millionaires in their healthy 20's and live next door, we have 6 billion kids and no money
YABU..and entitled (see above, never be entitled)

I'm on my knees, don't know what to do, need help etc

YANBU. Cook a chicken, and ask GPs for help.

Always wash everything one billion times a day to demonstrate how saintly clean you are. Tell everyone on here how minging they are.

Correct other people's SPAG (if you're a douche).

Innocuous details in your post WILL be picked over, as follows:

I had a lovely evening, glass of wine and takeaway, only to find my neighbour had built a 3 storey extension without permission in my garden.

Mumsnet:
Wine!! OP the last time I drank was in 1806, and that was ordered by the Dr. You have a problem and should seek help.

[quote Thelnebriati]I've reported this thread...

...and nominated it for Classics.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics[/quote]
Though I'd done something wrong 😆

So having read all the replies OP are you sticking around or are you off to Flouncer's corner?

1. Do not admit to drinking anything more than half a glass of wine on a Saturday evening unless you want to be accused of functional alcoholism.
2. In order to describe how funny you find a comment, you may spit your tea/coffee all over your keyboard, wake up your baby, wake up your DH, ROAR with laughter, or some other twee and overly exaggerated expression.
3. No-one is interested in your DHs opinion, so kindly refrain from saying "I just asked DH and he said..."
4. If you and your DH don't share the bills/chores in the exact proportions relating to your wages, you are being exploited and must get your ducks in a row before LTB
5. Any problem relating to neighbours or neighbourhoods and you will be given the advice to "just move".

@Nayday

Innocuous details in your post WILL be picked over, as follows:

I had a lovely evening, glass of wine and takeaway, only to find my neighbour had built a 3 storey extension without permission in my garden.

Mumsnet:
Wine!! OP the last time I drank was in 1806, and that was ordered by the Dr. You have a problem and should seek help.

also "stealth brag much?"

If a stranger parks on your drive/garden/baby's head, or throws wild parties in your garden when you are work, someone will come along and ask what the problem is because you weren't using it at the time.

Do not admit to drinking anything more than half a glass of wine on a Saturday evening unless you want to be accused of functional alcoholism

Or to post I drink a bottle of wine a night is that too much?. People will say it's normal due to Covid and that's when it kicks off.

@Sparklingbrook

So having read all the replies OP are you sticking around or are you off to Flouncer's corner?

Definitely sticking around

the collective noun for a group of MNers is "nest of vipers"

@Sparklingbrook

All teenage boys are very very bad news indeed.

If they are mumsnetter's teenage boys they will be at least 6ft 3 and look like a beanpole despite their ravenous appetites.

Yes, all gangly and eat all the time. While being up to no good and not to be trusted, at all, ever.

When someone posts with concern about their child's academic progress you should appear on the thread to post sympathy but regretfully no advice as your children read Plato from the womb, are gifted and very sport at national level age 8. You wish they'd be in to Harry Potter, honestly it would be so much easier. Every post will be very similar. Save yourself pain and never be the OP that wants to check in on your child's progression. You will feel worse knowing every other mumsnet child is an actual genius 😂.

In fact the best posts are when someone posts to say 'come on, not all kids are clever geniuses' and posters will trip over themselves to agree but also point out their child actually is. Those are just the best

Similar advice applies to how much debt/savings/mortgage people have - the majority replies will be the extreme positives!

To fit in this mould:

your summer born must be top of the class by year 2 and only have marginally struggled in reception.

You can only choose a private school especially private primary if you want to buy privilege for your kids. It's a myth that kids in private might be those who need smaller classes or more adult supervision and you are willing to sacrifice for that. You are simply too stupid to realise that taking them to stately homes and living in a big house is more important than you feeling secure in how settled they are at school.

Thanks everyone for all your advice
Hope you have all enjoyed the thread

MN appears to be a place where the following are unacceptable

Smoking inside=chav
Smoking outside in your own garden= selfish bastard
Doing anything for your child over the age of 18= they're an adult now
Toilet brushes and especially toilet brushes in the dishwasher
People who don't change their bedding 4 times a week are dirty
Indoor cats= animal abuse
Outdoor cats= animal abuse

Phrases you'll see a lot
Ltb
Hth
Call nhs direct
Log it with 101
Cf
Something doesn't add up followed by this face 🤨
My mums, sisters brothers aunts babysitter said it and she is in the know.

Also covid doesn't spread on MN. Instead it rips through society and the government are letting it rip and it has ripped through all the schools.

@XenoBitch

Don't leave your washing on the line overnight.

Oh yes. This is important. It gets darked on......Knowing nod.....

You must eat/buy naice ham only.

@Clearthinking

The "I snapped and farted" incident is one if the most comical threads of all time? Because arguing with ones partner when you are angry, you can of course snap and fart

I've been on MN for 8 years and only read snapped and farted a couple of months ago. I have to admit it gave me a giggle.

pickle46 So now you are staying you have to know the secret signal.

˙sᴉɥʇ ʍouʞ sɹǝʇʇǝusɯnW ɹǝɥʇo ʎluO ˙ʇlǝq ǝɥʇ ƃuolɐ sʎɐʍɥʇƃuǝl ɹǝpᴉʌᴉp ǝɥʇ ʇnd ʇǝʞɹɐɯɹǝdns ǝɥʇ uI
;sᴉ lɐuƃᴉs sɹǝdᴉΛ ʇǝɹɔǝs ǝɥ┴

Be prepared to encounter startlingly high numbers of very socially inept people.

1. never answer the phone

2. never answer the door