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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband spied on me through Blink camera

201 replies

itsgrogubitch · 12/08/2021 10:37

I'm not really sure what to do. I've name changed because I know some people on here. Husband is working from home and I'm a SAHM to our 5 and 2 year olds. Things have been a bit tense recently, maybe because it's summer holidays and we're all under the same roof a lot, I'm not sure.

Anyway, today I asked him to sit with the kids for 20 minutes while I grabbed a shower and got dressed. I suggested he maybe caught up with some work emails so he doesn't feel like he's wasting time, as he moans usually and then tacks the time onto the end of his work day. Off I go to shower, go upstairs to dry off etc and get dressed. We have a pet tortoise who lives in a tortoise table. I bought a Blink camera so I could see if she was ok while we were out (I'm a bit of a nervous first time pet owner). While I was moisturising, naked obvs (I wasn't taking ages over it, and I have really dry skin, I can't skip it!) I noticed the blue light on camera was which I know means the live view has been activated by the app because of when I set it up. I just froze for a moment and then took 2 massive steps out of shot. I'm absolutely mortified. I calmly got dressed and asked him to delete the Blink app. He acted all innocent and then when I asked why he spied on me, he said he was just checking what I was up to.

The camera used to just show the tortoise table and a tiny bit of the bed, I was getting ready on the other of the bed so it must have been adjusted to cover that area, it's a manual adjust one. I just don't know what to think. Who spies on their own wife? AIBU to be feeling really angry and violated?

OP posts:
TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 18/08/2021 06:10

You need to leave him for a host or reasons. This is just a small part of it.

Let this be the straw that broke the camels back for you OP. He's done a proper number on you.

NewlyGranny · 18/08/2021 06:42

He did it because he could, OP. All these high tech gadgets are an abuser's dream, aren't they? I expect he thought you were too stupid to realise what was going on; these types always feel so entitled and superior. No doubt he's getting his thrills from spying on you. I hope it was the first time, but who knows?

It's a bit like the Chinese authorities using technology to turn a whole city into an open prison, isn't it? He's decided your home is an open prison with one inmate: you. Shades of 1984. I'd start calling him Big Brother and I honestly don't think I could ever feel the same about him again. It's one of the most passion-killing behaviours imaginable.

Has he thought about planting cameras in the Ladies at his workplace, too, when everyone goes back?

NewlyGranny · 18/08/2021 06:49

Just a thought, OP. A common high tech abuse tactic is spyware on your devices. The Women's Aid website has information on how to tell if these things have been surreptitiously installed. It's ever so common. After a breakup with an abuser, more than half of women are being spied on remotely with malware.

KarenofSparta · 18/08/2021 07:01

[quote itsgrogubitch]@peridito I looked on joint Blink account and no recorded footage. He claims it was a one off to see where I was up to because I was taking ages apparently and he wanted to get back to work. He said not to "flatter" myself that he was trying to get a look at me naked. He has these periods of bad moods and raginess. I thought he had changed after things came to a head at the start of the year but...[/quote]
That is quite a shitty attitude from him and rings alarm bells for me, on top of everything else.

To think fairly cynically, if things were to deteriorate between you, you could be vulnerable to revenge porn, it's very real and disturbing.

You didn't consent to being watched/recorded & your consent cannot be emphasised enough IMO.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 18/08/2021 07:04

Don’t flatter yourself?

There is a proper prince right there.

I’m afraid that sort of carry on would be the dealbreaker for me.

Creepy arse.

KarenofSparta · 18/08/2021 07:11

Agreed Sheldon 👍🏻

rainbowstardrops · 18/08/2021 08:00

'Don't flatter yourself'. He sounds nice. Dick.

Fiddliestofsticks · 18/08/2021 08:17

What he did was a crime.

If he wanted to know why you were taking so long, he should have just called up to ask.

Anyway, he sounds like an absolute dick and a shitty parent if he behaves like this when asked to watch his kids for 20 minutes.

He committed a crime against you. Are you staying with him? Think about what that says about your self worth.

ChainJane · 18/08/2021 08:40

It's more nuanced than most voyeurism cases and isn't definitely a criminal act.

It would be difficult to prove that the husband was committing an offence because a) the OP knew the camera was there, she was the one who installed it, and b) the OP knew the husband had access. In those circumstances it would be hard to argue he was filming her without consent.

The movement of the camera could be explained by a number of reasons. It could have been accidentally knocked while dusting or it could have moved because the cord gradually retracted or because of gravity. (The camera in my hall does that, it slowly changes position and I have to readjust it every few weeks.)

It's unwise to have a camera in your bedroom in any event because there are so many cases of them being hacked. Even if you set a good password you are at the mercy of the cloud provider.

FangsForTheMemory · 18/08/2021 08:48

@Bigballer ODFOD. He shouldn’t be watching her covertly whatever the circumstances.

lazylinguist · 18/08/2021 09:08

Ok so... spying on you, thinks looking aftet his own children for 20 minutes is wasting his time, has periods of 'raginess' and thinks his own wife is 'flattering herself' to think he'd find her attractive? This man is a real prince, OP. You need to be making plans to leave.

wednesdayweather · 18/08/2021 09:16

@lazylinguist

Ok so... spying on you, thinks looking aftet his own children for 20 minutes is wasting his time, has periods of 'raginess' and thinks his own wife is 'flattering herself' to think he'd find her attractive? This man is a real prince, OP. You need to be making plans to leave.
Good summary.
CutePanda · 18/08/2021 09:39

He said not to "flatter" myself that he was trying to get a look at me naked. He has these periods of bad moods and raginess. I thought he had changed after things came to a head at the start of the year

So why is he with you if he doesn’t find you sexually attractive? Oh, wait, is it because he looks like a thumb with the personality of a plank of wood who thinks he’s God’s gift of perfection?

I know you have young DC but you deserve SO much better. You mention that you’ve lost some weight and feel more confident in your body… maybe he’s worried you’ll attract other men and he’s insecure so that’s why he’s being abusive. He was probably listening in on you, checking if you were on the phone to someone. Again, you deserve SO much better, someone who will love and appreciate you.

52andblue · 18/08/2021 10:08

@lazylinguist

Ok so... spying on you, thinks looking aftet his own children for 20 minutes is wasting his time, has periods of 'raginess' and thinks his own wife is 'flattering herself' to think he'd find her attractive? This man is a real prince, OP. You need to be making plans to leave.
There is 'enough' to be really worrying here even without him deliberately adjusting camera / recording / sharing. He doesn't respect you and it wont get any better without something significant changing in his attitude (then his behaviour). Whether you think it's worth joint counselling only you can say.
DoylyCarte · 18/08/2021 10:08

Like pp the “don’t flatter yourself” comment stands out - makes him sound extremely guilty to me. Either that, or he’s just a straight-up cruel arsehole. Flowers

Tal45 · 18/08/2021 10:08

You called him out on the spying now you need to call him out on what he said to you. Why is he being so nasty? Then you need to talk to him about the bad moods and raginess and get to the bottom of what caused/causes it if you don't already know. It sounds like he's been behaving like a dick. A lot. And you deserve to know why because at the moment this doesn't sound like a positive or healthy relationship and if he can't work out his issues then maybe it's time to look at your options.

IWishIWasABaller · 18/08/2021 10:12

Sounds like a nasty perv he would be out the door if he was my husband

Fiddliestofsticks · 18/08/2021 10:12

@ChainJane

There are plenty of criminal acts which cannot be proved in a court.

The OP knows her husband. She knows when he is lieing I assume, she knows when his behaviour is guilty (the simmering and being quiet around her and now the deflecting dont flatter yourself attacks).

Even if she cannot prove it in a court, this is a crime. His intentions were to spy on her without her knowledge or consent. He moved that camera to cover their bedroom and then he used it and watched her while she was naked. Being his wife does not make that ok.

I would not stay with anyone capable of committing such an act, whether or not a court would agree really wouldn't change my decision.

fantastaballs · 18/08/2021 10:34

@ClareBlue

Tortoises are fascinating, I used to breed them. Their lungs are in the top of their shells so if they fall onto their back they can slowly suffocate.... if they fall into their back under the heat source then they cook before they can suffocate. They are stunning creatures but not the brightest of animals 🤪

Op, I'm so sorry that you have experienced this. There is nothing more unsettling than believing you are in a secure safe space when naked, only to find somebody is actually watching you. I would struggle hugely to over come the beach of trust. And then for him to be so insulting afterwards? And try to turn it back onto you and make out you are somehow unworthy of being spied on?! That's horrific.

bagelsandoranges · 18/08/2021 11:12

We'll be reading more stories about how this idiot has made OP feel like crap before long I'm sure. The "don't flatter yourself" comment is all sorts of cruel. Says he is a lot worse than the pretty bad baseline it started off with. You and the tort deserve better.

SalmonEile · 18/08/2021 11:44

Even if he really was just “checking to see what was taking so long” that’s still fucking awful,
He doesn’t trust you and thinks you’re taking the piss and wasting his time .
How gross that you can’t even have a shower (a basic fuckin need) without pretty much being on a timer.
What did he expect to see on the camera then ? You lying about doing nothing but cackling evily at how you’d forced him to watch his own kids?
If he thought you’d fell in the shower or something he would’ve come up to see if you were ok
He’s either a perv or a resentful spy

NewlyGranny · 18/08/2021 11:53

Do be aware that the panic he evinced was probably about recordings on his phone. He will have been frantically deleting or hiding them. There is a distinct possibility, based in what you report of his personality and attitudes, that he is capable of posting 'revenge porn' e.g. of you dressing after a shower or even sex acts with him.

billy1966 · 18/08/2021 12:11

He's a nasty man.

His panic was over something, of that you can be sure.

Don't believe a word that sleazy pervert was saying.

Tell him you don't believe a word he says and him trying to belittle and insult you, convinces you more.

Definitely get support from family and friends.Flowers

Regularsizedrudy · 18/08/2021 12:30

What a nasty little man.
I hope you realise one day soon that you are worth so much more than this.

whynotwhatknot · 19/08/2021 09:39

Horrible man who does he think he is

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