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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband spied on me through Blink camera

201 replies

itsgrogubitch · 12/08/2021 10:37

I'm not really sure what to do. I've name changed because I know some people on here. Husband is working from home and I'm a SAHM to our 5 and 2 year olds. Things have been a bit tense recently, maybe because it's summer holidays and we're all under the same roof a lot, I'm not sure.

Anyway, today I asked him to sit with the kids for 20 minutes while I grabbed a shower and got dressed. I suggested he maybe caught up with some work emails so he doesn't feel like he's wasting time, as he moans usually and then tacks the time onto the end of his work day. Off I go to shower, go upstairs to dry off etc and get dressed. We have a pet tortoise who lives in a tortoise table. I bought a Blink camera so I could see if she was ok while we were out (I'm a bit of a nervous first time pet owner). While I was moisturising, naked obvs (I wasn't taking ages over it, and I have really dry skin, I can't skip it!) I noticed the blue light on camera was which I know means the live view has been activated by the app because of when I set it up. I just froze for a moment and then took 2 massive steps out of shot. I'm absolutely mortified. I calmly got dressed and asked him to delete the Blink app. He acted all innocent and then when I asked why he spied on me, he said he was just checking what I was up to.

The camera used to just show the tortoise table and a tiny bit of the bed, I was getting ready on the other of the bed so it must have been adjusted to cover that area, it's a manual adjust one. I just don't know what to think. Who spies on their own wife? AIBU to be feeling really angry and violated?

OP posts:
PussGirl · 12/08/2021 13:15

He also sees watching the children as a "waste of his time" apparently - he's no prize, is he?

Binnaggy · 12/08/2021 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

FawnFrenchieMum · 12/08/2021 13:17

You can definitely record the live view on my blink (which is only the really basic one). We don't have the motion sensor on as its in the kitchen (for watching the dog when we are out) and it would go off all the time but it asks if I want to save the footage from live views.

subsy1 · 12/08/2021 13:19

Aren't there websites/ bulletin boards where pervy men swap pictures/ videos of their wives? Let's hope it's nothing like that.

SusieBob · 12/08/2021 13:21

This reply has been deleted

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ParistoLondon · 12/08/2021 13:21

That's just downright lecherous and weird behaviour.

LakieLady · 12/08/2021 13:30

No he said he was checking what she’s up to

But why would he be "checking what she’s up to" anyway? She's a grown woman and, presumably, doesn't need constant supervision in case she pokes teaspoons in electric sockets or similar.

EKGEMS · 12/08/2021 13:34

"He tacks on the extra time at the end of work" What the actual fuck? So you ask for 20 minutes to bathe and dress and you are charged back the amount of time spent? Why the hell do women tolerate this bullshit? He's their FATHER not a factory worker clocking in and out! Geez I can't address the camera this stopped me

Jent13c · 12/08/2021 13:42

You know even if you had an agreement and had naked videos or photos of you saved with consent I would have serious issues with DH looking at them while he was supervising the children. Then add in the extra level of creepiness that he was watching you without consent. I'm not saying that I would be consulting with lawyers and packing his bags today but it would make me seriously consider whether this was the type of behaviours I would expect or tolerate of a man I was married to.

blueshoes · 12/08/2021 13:42

Don't you have the Blink app too in order to check up on the tortiose?

Why can't you check whether it has been recording any footage. Can you do that now, since he would delete anything.

messybun101 · 12/08/2021 13:45

I've seen so many threads about spying husbands/baby cams/trackers and now this tortoise camera
Unbelievable. What an absolute creep. Sorry op

messybun101 · 12/08/2021 13:47

Your mum seems to be minimising this whole thing don't you think?
I'm not sure her logic is much better than his at this point

Veryverycalmnow · 12/08/2021 13:48

Creepy to use tortoise cam to spy on you- you need to speak to him and examine the footage to see how many times. Although, if he has sole access to the app he'll be upstairs deleting stuff now. Creepy thing to do. Hope you're ok

Wheretobuy · 12/08/2021 13:48

@therocinante

Yeah, this is horrible. If it was like, he knew you were naked and you'd just be generally in shot and he shouted up "you look fit" or something, that'd be kind of sweet - my DH will sometimes send me a screenshot of the Ring doorbell cos he's got a notification of movement and be like "you look cute!". But he's doing it without your knowledge and lying about it - the REDDEST of red flags.
With my DH, it will totally depend on the context. I cannot imagine not teasing him or him teasing me if we had a camera. So that would set the context for me. However, I would know of this context at all times so that would make this spying different for me. In your case, it seems the context is completely different.
Altnaharra · 12/08/2021 13:53

All of my answer is based on the assumption that your husband doesn't have a track record of breaching boundaries.

Whether he is your husband or a complete stranger, this is a total violation of your rights. He probably thinks that as he's your husband (or, more accurately, as you're his wife), that he doesn't need your permission. We would be horrified to hear that a stranger has done something like this - within a relationship where trust is paramount, this represents an equal, if not greater, breach.

You say that things have not been going well between you of late. Perhaps he still seeks an intimacy that he doesn't know how to express, which has led him to justify his actions to himself. However, this is not something that you would be wise to brush under the carpet. It's not in itself a terminal issue, but something that you really need to make sure that he accepts the severity of what he has done, takes ownership of it and understands that this or anything like it can never happen again. Perhaps it would be helpful to seek couples therapy to work through the reasons why he did this in the first place.

daisycottage · 12/08/2021 14:06

I would hope the camera is secure and password protected otherwise it might be being broadcasted across the world.

Insecam.org

He's a total creep and he's been breaking the law.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 12/08/2021 14:11

Also, we've got a horseman's and it is totally spoiled with a giant run and lights on all day inside and a gianter run outside.

I've been googling blink cameras, even though he's now 10 and doesn't turn himself upside down anymore. I "get" the worry.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 12/08/2021 14:12

Hermann's! Stupid autocucumber

Wombat64 · 12/08/2021 14:16

I've just got 9ne & it definitely records clips every time the motion sensor is activated. You can also switch to live feed.

diddl · 12/08/2021 14:58

Checking up on Op-why would that be nev´cessary FFS?

Or, radical suggestion-he could have got off his arse & gone to see what she was doing!

No one needs to check on someone remotely!

sadie9 · 12/08/2021 15:00

It's very telling that you are going behind his back to discuss this with your mother, rather than asking him outright what he is doing exactly with the camera...is it a bit odd that you confide in her more than with your own husband.

RedToothBrush · 12/08/2021 15:10

My mum is of the opinion that he was having a perv (I've lost some weight and am looking minutely less vomit inducing recently) or he was being a geek about checking up on where I was up to. Not that it matters because it's my fucking business how long it takes to get ready. I wasn't deliberately taking ages to be a dick. I think I might take the camera down. He's being a bit simpering around me

'Having a perv' is a non-consental sexual act. Its not ok. Your mother is minimising it.

'Being a geek' does not mean you check up on your wife. Thats being a controlling arse not a geek. I'm married to a 'geek'. This is not normal nor acceptable behaviour.

It doesn't matter how long you were taking. You shouldn't be being checked up on. You shouldn't have to apologise nor offer an explanation. Especially when he was merely asked to look after his own goddam children whilst you just took a shower. It wasn't like you were off partying. You are not 'dodging your job'. He is not your line manager.

His reaction to you confronting him is less than adequate. He clearly cant be trusted with the cameras. You should at the very minimum be binning them without a debate about it.

Your mum is excusing him and facilitating him treating you with contempt. Thats also not ok.

Frazzle678 · 12/08/2021 15:17

It might have been a one off. One of the kids might have even knocked the camera on. The tortoise might have moved the camera. ???
Either you trust him or you don't.
If he's been trust-worthy up till now there's no reason to assume this is anything other than a mistake
If not, and you will know this already, in your gut, then he's a prick.
Only you know.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 12/08/2021 15:17

Also, the idea that you have lost weight and so are now worthy of being perved over by your husband - well, my eyebrows can't get any higher.

Frazzle678 · 12/08/2021 15:18

He might have just wanted to know if you were nearly done, because he was getting fed up of looking after the children or needed to answer a work email etc ?