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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP was going to propose but…..

401 replies

Mymindsgoneawol · 12/08/2021 08:32

Hi all,

I’ve name changed for this

So to give a bit of background….. I have been with my DP for nearly three years. We work well together but argue occasionally like most.

My problem is when we argue he says things in anger that hurt me. He doesn’t understand and thinks I should just know he didn’t mean it,

The latest is that he turned round during an argument and said I was going to propose but I’m not now. This is the third time he’s said it. I have said before that it hurts me to hear ‘I was but now I’m not’ anyway we had a row yesterday over something small abs he said he was never going to propose because it wouldn’t be perfect.

I’ve gotten very upset at this as marriage is something we both want and I see as the ultimate commitment.

He tells me I shouldn’t be upset Because he means he won’t propose because it will no longer be perfect due to what was said in anger….. he believes I shouldn’t be upset by this and can’t understand why I’ve been crying or distant

So help me out….

AIBU for being really upset that he’s saying he now will never ask me to marry him!

OP posts:
183fredamarleymum · 12/08/2021 13:26

He says he wants to wait for a perfect time.Ha! you will be in for a very long wait.He is stringing you a long.

Lovemusic33 · 12/08/2021 13:28

He’s basically controlling you, telling you ‘he was going to propose’ but because you didn’t do what he wanted he now isn’t going too?

Next time he says it tell him “if you did propose I would say no” then dump the controlling bastard.

LookItsMeAgain · 12/08/2021 13:29

@Mymindsgoneawol - he doesn't sound amazing. His actions and more importantly his words in this case do not come from a good place, they come from a spiteful place. A place where he knows (as he's done it before to you) whatever he says will hurt you.

You don't want to be with a person who wants to hurt you, surely?
You don't want to be with a person who throws around idle threats in order to hurt you?

My honest advice is to take off the rose tinted glasses and see this 'wonderful' person for who they really are. Not a nice person. Move on past this person who is not nice and hurts you with their words. Don't settle for this person. Value your worth.

TheFoundations · 12/08/2021 13:33

'I will propose to you when you behave the way I want you to, when you get upset only about the things I say you should get upset about, and when you stop expecting me to understand you.'

WaterBottle123 · 12/08/2021 13:35

Eh? Why does he get to decide when you get engaged? Why don't you propose? When did you agree to this patriarchal nonsense?

  1. He sounds like a twat

  2. It's not 1955

RichTeaShite · 12/08/2021 13:39

“I was going to propose to you but I’m not now”

Answer: “good because the answer would have been no you self important cock”

IS0D0RA · 12/08/2021 13:40

Please don’t marry him, he’s not kind to you.

Turefu · 12/08/2021 13:42

I’ve been with man like that for five years. To be fair, he made it clear from beginning he didn’t want to get married. I thought he’ll come around and on some stage he mentioned wedding and even proposed to me, eventually. But kept saying things :” Don’t do this or I’ll leave you”, “ Do this or I’ll leave you”. By the time of his proposal , I wasn’t bothered anymore. I left him and it was shock for him. Don’t waste your time, OP. Alternatively , if you really want to be with him, propose to him.

Antwerpen · 12/08/2021 13:44

@FluffyPersian

Your DP is a manipulative cock.

He thinks of the one thing you apparently 'really want' and then uses it to beat you into submission

"Well, I WAS going to propose, but you didn't bring me a cup of tea, so now I'm not going to"

"Well, I WAS going to propose but... "

Why would you stay with him if that's how he acts? It's surely a sign of things to come? can you imagine if you married him and had a child?

"Well I WAS going to to help you with the baby but....."

The quest for perfection comment is a smokescreen - Life isn't perfect, there are good times and bad times and if he's waiting for the perfect time, he'll be waiting his whole life.

I'd get out now and count your blessings you aren't married.

This

Run

Menstrualcycledisplayteam · 12/08/2021 13:47

Another vote for not amazing; he's training you not to disagree with anything he says. And you're falling for it hook, line and sinker.

My husband is pretty good, all things considered, but 20 years later I look back at my desperation to get married as slightly embarrassing. Men aren't a prize. A proposal isn't something you win by being a good girl. And your idiot boyfriend doesn't get to dictate your behaviour.

Run, run, run - otherwise I promise you'll be back on here in 5 years, post-kids wishing you had.

Ytrigging · 12/08/2021 13:47

Break up with him and find someone who wants to marry you. If he does and says horrible stuff when he's angry then it sounds like you've dodged a bullet anyway.

proopher · 12/08/2021 13:49

He sounds the complete opposite of amazing, you deserve better than this. He sounds manipulative, the sooner you realise the better !

ShortColdandGrey · 12/08/2021 13:52

He sounds like a wee bairn that shouts "I won't be your friend anymore" when they have had a argument with a friend. He doesn't sound like an amazing man if he is purposefully saying something he knows will upset you. If you do ever get married what will he be denying you then? Will he shout "Well I was going to have a kid with you, but now I won't". Dump his arse and find someone that isn't an abusive twat.

PrincessNutella · 12/08/2021 13:52

...good thing u didn't bitch cuz you aren't fun and I'd be the runaway bride

Derbee · 12/08/2021 13:55

He sounds like a petty little wanker. Dangling a proposal like a carrot.

What happens when you get married? He dangles the threat of divorce?

He’s an arse

fredoo · 12/08/2021 14:03

So do you actually want to legally tie yourself forever to someone who treats you like this?

You know it's not right, believe me it will get worse. Be glad you can still walk away now without the complication of a divorce. You really do deserve better.

Marriage is not a game, he's dangling it in-front of you then snatching it away. He knows how much it means to you. It's cruel and he absolutely knows it hurts you, why be with someone who wants to inflict pain on you ? Start planning your get out of this situation and in the end he will be begging you to marry him, when he does tell him to f**k off, making clear that at one point you would of married him but there's not a chance in hell now! Good luck to him finding a long and meaningful relationship. I wish you all the best. Seriously walk away now, the life you deserve is out there for you to find.

peboh · 12/08/2021 14:12

It sounds like he's not actually planning to propose, he just likes the idea so that when you argue he can hurt you with it. If he does and you marry, do you really want to spend a lifetime being threatened with divorce?
You're right that all couples argue and bicker, but to be cruel in arguments is something else entirely.

DreamingofTimbuktu · 12/08/2021 14:15

He’s not amazing - he’s deliberately hurting you. Leave him and find someone who would never deliberately hurt you.

ColettesEarrings · 12/08/2021 14:15

Urgh. He's a gaslighting prick. Dump him and move on. And for the love of god don't have kids with him either.

Echobelly · 12/08/2021 14:17

Honestly, this guy is making saying he's considering asking you to marry him sound like a threat! Very gas-lighty saying that he 'doesn't mean' things he says when he's angry.

camperjam · 12/08/2021 14:17

My ex used to do that. He was a right prick.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 12/08/2021 14:19

It’s just when he gets angry, again not all the time. He says things in anger he thinks I should just know are not true.

He says things like this to hurt you. He knows it will hurt you. He knows that it will make you feel shit and you will do your best not to anger him in the future and will dance to his tune. He's controlling you.

He is saying he means he just wants to propose when things are perfect so now won’t because he doesn’t think it would be special.

See above.

He wants to make it special for me.

See above.

He’s actions all come from a good place

See above. They come from his ego and need to control situations and you.

But I’m so heartbroken that he’s said he won’t propose to me now.

His loss. Get rid.

BronwenFrideswide · 12/08/2021 14:21

I’ve gotten very upset at this as marriage is something we both want and I see as the ultimate commitment.

It's not something he wants, he is holding it over your head like a Sword of Damocles to get you to act the way he wants you to, very manipulative.

Dump him, this will never be an equal, respectful relationship. You are on a hiding to nothing.

honehmooh · 12/08/2021 14:23

He sounds unhinged. Presumably he's an adult. He should've removed himself from the situation and done what was necessary to get back into the right state of mind. Souns as though the argument was tense. It was irresponsible of him to think of what he said as viable option, and then to go on and say it. It makes me wonder what other irresponsible things he's said and done.

Do you have an understanding of what marriage would involve for you two, and can you honestly believe he's responsible enough for said marriage

BronwenFrideswide · 12/08/2021 14:25

He is saying he means he just wants to propose when things are perfect so now won’t because he doesn’t think it would be special.

Excuses and lies.

He wants to make it special for me.

Excuses and lies. He just wants to keep you dangling at the end of the string while he toys with you and your emotions.

He’s actions all come from a good place

No they don't.

But I’m so heartbroken that he’s said he won’t propose to me now.

That's exactly how he wants you to be, his actions have had the desired effect for him.