DP was going to propose but…..

[Mymindsgoneawol]

Hi all,

I’ve name changed for this

So to give a bit of background….. I have been with my DP for nearly three years. We work well together but argue occasionally like most.

My problem is when we argue he says things in anger that hurt me. He doesn’t understand and thinks I should just know he didn’t mean it,

The latest is that he turned round during an argument and said I was going to propose but I’m not now. This is the third time he’s said it. I have said before that it hurts me to hear ‘I was but now I’m not’ anyway we had a row yesterday over something small abs he said he was never going to propose because it wouldn’t be perfect.

I’ve gotten very upset at this as marriage is something we both want and I see as the ultimate commitment.

He tells me I shouldn’t be upset Because he means he won’t propose because it will no longer be perfect due to what was said in anger….. he believes I shouldn’t be upset by this and can’t understand why I’ve been crying or distant

So help me out….

AIBU for being really upset that he’s saying he now will never ask me to marry him!

He’s not a nice man though, if he wanted to propose he’d just do it.

@Mymindsgoneawol

Thanks all.

Sorry I should say yhis doesn’t happen all the time

He really is the most amazing man.

It’s just when he gets angry, again not all the time. He says things in anger he thinks I should just know are not true.

He is saying he means he just wants to propose when things are perfect so now won’t because he doesn’t think it would be special.

He wants to make it special for me.

He’s actions all come from a good place

But I’m so heartbroken that he’s said he won’t propose to me now.

You are minimising what a nasty piece of work he is. He absolutely is not 'amazing'

Make all the excuses you like, but he's going to keep you dangling at every opportunity

He’s doesn’t sound like husband material. I’d bin him OP. You deserve someone far nicer

@Mymindsgoneawol

Thanks all.

Sorry I should say yhis doesn’t happen all the time

He really is the most amazing man.

It’s just when he gets angry, again not all the time. He says things in anger he thinks I should just know are not true.

He is saying he means he just wants to propose when things are perfect so now won’t because he doesn’t think it would be special.

He wants to make it special for me.

He’s actions all come from a good place

But I’m so heartbroken that he’s said he won’t propose to me now.

OP,

I feel so sorry for you that your self respect, self esteem and relationship bar is so low that you would describe a man that is so nasty as amazing.

Unbelievably sad.

He is a nasty piece of work but no doubt you will end up accepting crumbs, staying with him and have a long miserable life with an emotionally abusive man.

He is not amazing and in your gut you know it.

This is not normal behaviour.
Loving couples are not nasty like that.

He’s actions all come from a good place

And that makes absolutely no sense.

What 'good place'?

No 'amazing' man would ever do that. Don't you deserve better?

You also need to be clear to him - it will now never be special when he proposes because he has made you feel you have to "earn it", and you'll be on eggshells until the wedding, panicked he'll cancel to hurt you.

If he wants to marry you, he needs to just ask without the fanfare, as that ship has sailed. It now needs to be non-dramatic conversation or you won't believe him.

This needs to be a calm conversation when you aren't in the middle of an argument.

But you might be best taking a break from each other and deciding what you want. Is it married to him - or is it you want the wedding and settled future and he's the man you are with?

No relationship is perfect, unless he's trying to groom you into perfect behaviour so you get your reward 🤔😵
I see red flags personally for controlling behaviours

Run for the hills

He's not an amazing man - he's a dick! And he is throwing a potential proposal in your face to make you feel bad during an argument!

Turn it round on him, when he argues with you, say "well I was to have sex with you tonight" or whatever.

Stupid bickering arguments do not stop someone from proposing!
You should want better for yourself, not someone who can't win an argument so throws out the only line he can to hurt you!

If he says that again, just say, "Good, don't bother because I've gone off the idea of marrying you anyway".

Nobody lacks so much self control that they have to wound the person they love every time they have a few words.

I think you would be well out of this but in the meantime, a couple of sharp retorts would not go amiss.

You also need to be clear to him - it will now never be special when he proposes because he has made you feel you have to "earn it", and you'll be on eggshells until the wedding, panicked he'll cancel to hurt you.
THIs. OP you're on mumsnet. You see the awful stuff some people deal with regularly. I'm not saying ltb but do realise what he did isn't a minor thing and you need to have a think.

It's difficult because I know some people do just lash out spitefully when angry - my mum and my DP are both like this. They always apologise and never mean it but even so, it's hurtful, particularly when you wouldn't do it yourself.

But tbh in your scenario I'd be wondering if he genuinely is going to propose, if he's had the time to say he was but now he's not going to 3 times.

If he wanted to make a proposal special he should keep his mouth shut and organise it to make it special. Not throw it in your face when you have an argument so your left feeling upset and deflated. He is using this to control you and wants you to 'improve' your behaviour like a good girl then he will propose. Next it will be cancelling the engagment until you behave, then the wedding until your ground down to saying nothing and doing what your told. He sounds dreadful...

Not being funny but you are accepting that he can't control this because hes angry. So you accept his behaviour.

What if he "couldn't control" hitting you? Or your child?

"Cant control" means "chooses not to".

This is a red flag! RED FLAG 🚩

Why do you want to marry someone who tramples over your feelings?

You don’t need to answer but just think about it. You are someone’s child and deserve a nice life.

You are better off on the shelf then in the wrong cabinet.

All the best.

@Mymindsgoneawol

Thanks all.

Sorry I should say yhis doesn’t happen all the time

He really is the most amazing man.

It’s just when he gets angry, again not all the time. He says things in anger he thinks I should just know are not true.

He is saying he means he just wants to propose when things are perfect so now won’t because he doesn’t think it would be special.

He wants to make it special for me.

He’s actions all come from a good place

But I’m so heartbroken that he’s said he won’t propose to me now.

How weird that you are now defending his manipulating, nasty, controlling behaviour

I see this kind of thing all the time on here.

OP says 'Is my DP an arsehole?'

Everyone says 'YES'

OP comes back to say 'oh no, you've got him wrong, he's really lovely'

So why ask?

'I was going to propose?'

Answer: 'Well, I wouldn't have said "yes"'.

He's not an amazing man. He's emotionally manipulating you. The way people like this reel you in is to be charming some of the time (because face it, who'd stay with a 24/7 negative Nancy?) and alternate it with 'negging'. You can look up this cycle: they're known as the pedestal, devaluation and discard phases, and they are well-recognised forms of emotional manipulation.

Ii you were to marry this man it's a guarantee his would only escalate, including (and especially) when any children came along. It's a huge red flag. I wouldn't waste my time with any man who thought it entertaining to play head games like this. You deserve better, much better.

He sounds spiteful OP, but only you can decide whether you want to stay with him?

"If someone shows you who they are, believe them." I really hope you are reading the comments. They are all based on experience. This is your opportunity to hear great advice.

I've just read your update. He's not amazing. Things said in anger cannot be unsaid.

He’s not amazing, he sounds ghastly. He’s only “amazing” when you obey and perform as he wants.

I expect you hadn’t anticipated this reaction on here and I’m sure you don’t want to read it but so many women have been here before and we can all imagine and even predict your future.

Save yourself years of heartache to come and get out before you get tied to him. Short term pain for long term gain.

Imagine him as a fucking dad.

Fucking hell, no.

"Oh, little Timmy, you see I WAS going to buy you an ice cream but now I am simply not going to because you are a naughty little boy for leaving two peas on your plate last night"

"Now, now, little Tabitha, I WAS going to allow you a Christmas, with presents and everything but you looked at daddy funny last month so no Christmas"

"I was but you............"
See, it's all your fault.

Open your eyes OP, please.

Do you have a mental deadline that you’ll walk if he doesn’t propose by?

He sounds like a nasty piece of work. This is a good way to control you. You’ll eventually be too worried to argue with him in case he won’t propose to you.

Dump him.

OP I think you’re looking at this the wrong way. It sounds like you’re hanging around waiting for a proposal from him, which does nothing for your self-esteem and devalues you while placing him on a pedestal. Don’t wait around for this idiot who lashes out in the most horrible way! Imagine if he turned stuff like this on your future kids?! (I was going to throw you a birthday party but I won’t now as it won’t be perfect as you didn’t do what you were told…)

I think he needs a bit of a fright tbh and needs to understand your value to him - I would call his bluff and say “well I was going to say yes if you proposed but now I won’t as it wouldn’t be perfect as I now know what a horrible man I’d be marrying. I think it’s time we took a break”

That should sort him out!!