DP was going to propose but…..

[Mymindsgoneawol]

Hi all,

I’ve name changed for this

So to give a bit of background….. I have been with my DP for nearly three years. We work well together but argue occasionally like most.

My problem is when we argue he says things in anger that hurt me. He doesn’t understand and thinks I should just know he didn’t mean it,

The latest is that he turned round during an argument and said I was going to propose but I’m not now. This is the third time he’s said it. I have said before that it hurts me to hear ‘I was but now I’m not’ anyway we had a row yesterday over something small abs he said he was never going to propose because it wouldn’t be perfect.

I’ve gotten very upset at this as marriage is something we both want and I see as the ultimate commitment.

He tells me I shouldn’t be upset Because he means he won’t propose because it will no longer be perfect due to what was said in anger….. he believes I shouldn’t be upset by this and can’t understand why I’ve been crying or distant

So help me out….

AIBU for being really upset that he’s saying he now will never ask me to marry him!

God he sounds like my ex. So glad I didn’t marry him, he said exactly the same shit. Had anger issues too. Discovered he was sexting a woman from a swingers site … and guess what … yup, he blamed me for that too. It never ends OP. He’s not a good person.

he said he was never going to propose....marriage is something (I) want and I see as the ultimate commitment.
So he's not up for what you want. So you either accept you'll never get married or leave. I vote leave.

Like this

@Mymindsgoneawol - how are you doing?

This thread must be overwhelming for you - over 350 messages now - all of them saying that DP at best was out of order for saying that to you.

Have a reflect, take in the posts that resonate. I hope you are ok, as this is your life, it's very easy for people to type 'LTB.'

You need to do what's best for you. Hopefully you do realise though, that he really shouldn't be pulling this kind of shit on you

Sorry I should say yhis doesn’t happen all the time
Abusive people are never abusive all the time.
If they were nasty all the time, nobody would stay with them.
They work on a cycle - reel you in, then devalue & discard - repeat.

He really is the most amazing man.
The most amazing man, who has now told you 3 times in anger that he "was going to propose, but now he won't." ?
The most amazingly childish, petulant, manipulative man, maybe.

It’s just when he gets angry, again not all the time.
See above.
We all get angry - & even when angry, most of us don't decide to pick one of the most important things to our partner, & jeer at them that we were going to do that thing, but now we won't.
Because most people don't use temper loss as an excuse to deliberately hurt our partner.

He says things in anger he thinks I should just know are not true.
He does it on purpose, then expects you to hand him a "get out of jail free" card for his bad behaviour.
And you've allowed him to do this 3 times now.
He has trained you to accept it.
Can you genuinely not se how he has you dangling on a string, & is enjoying his power over you?

He is saying he means he just wants to propose when things are perfect so now won’t because he doesn’t think it would be special.
He's not going to propose.
If he wanted to marry you, he'd have done it by now - not made a big hurtful fuss, THREE TIMES, about how he was going to, but now he won't.

He wants to make it special for me.
Yeah right.
Because it won't be at ALL spoiled by your memories of these 3 occasions, will it?
Besides - please get real - he is not going to propose.
He’s actions all come from a good place

But I’m so heartbroken that he’s said he won’t propose to me now.
You are not a princess in a fairy tale.
You don't have to sit around as it you haven't realised it's 2021 & you have agency over your own life.

Why is this notion of marriage all in his gift to give you, or withhold from you as a punishment?

Why on earth have you handed all your power away? And to someone so nasty? He does not care about your feelings. He just loves having a sense of control over you.

Anyone who threatens to leave you / not marry you during an argument is not worth being in a relationship with. It's not the right person for you. You need an adult man, capable of communication. Not a toddler who throws his toys out of the pram.

I was with someone for SIX years who did this regularly when we argued. We even went to couples therapy, during which our therapist called her out on it - and she STILL couldn't understand why it wasn't ok to pull that shit. You can't reason with people who lack emotional maturity. If I was in your shoes, I'd be reconsidering whether I wanted to be with him at all, let alone wish he would propose to me.

@Mymindsgoneawol

Thanks all.

Sorry I should say yhis doesn’t happen all the time

He really is the most amazing man.

It’s just when he gets angry, again not all the time. He says things in anger he thinks I should just know are not true.

He is saying he means he just wants to propose when things are perfect so now won’t because he doesn’t think it would be special.

He wants to make it special for me.

He’s actions all come from a good place

But I’m so heartbroken that he’s said he won’t propose to me now.

He's done quite a number on you. Commitment phobic at best, training you to respond how he wants you too at worst, AND making it seem that this all comes from a good place (and makes you think it's in part your fault).

We can only read the situation from the posts given but he sounds an absolute arse!

He isn’t amazing.

This man is cruel. What right does he have to get angry with you ? If he doesn't mean the things he says then he's doing it to deliberately hurt you. He's dangling a proposal like a carrot but would you really want to marry a man like this. He should be in love with you and want to make you happy not be behaving this way. Please think hard about this relationship.

In your marriage you will go through good and bad times. You can get through the good times with anyone, but look at the character of your partner in the bad times. Will he support you? Will he think of the impact of his actions on you? Will he act unselfishly? Or will you be trying to cope with difficulties and deal with his behaviour at the same time?
Hard times are so much harder if you are with a partner who will kick you when you're down. Good luck.

He really is the most amazing man.

Amazingly twatty you mean. You would be insane to marry him. You have been warned.

YABU to want to marry him.

He’s never going to propose

He says it to hurt you

He’s abusive

LTB

I suspect the OP might not be coming back. Hope she has at least read and that the universal condemnation of his behaviour has planted a few doubts ...

@LovePoppy

He’s never going to propose

He says it to hurt you

He’s abusive

LTB

this ☹️

No relationship is perfect OP. You'll be waiting forever.

I know it’s hard to hear the man you love being criticised, but it’s because people can see the huge red flags in his behaviour.

It would be so helpful for you to do the online freedom programme. It will give a really idea about what good relationships look like, and you can see if you think yours, fits.

I hope you can take on board what so many have said - it really does come from a place of experience and it is worth listening to them.

@Sparkletastic

No relationship is perfect OP. You'll be waiting forever.

This…. What do you think he’s waiting for? No relationship is perfect, there’s always going to be things that piss him off but he should be respectful of that and except you for who you are, he should want to marry you because in his eyes you are perfect. If he wanted to marry you he would have asked you, he wouldn’t be playing games with you.

I know at the moment you can’t see it but really he is a controlling twat, he knows you think he’s amazing (he has made sure you think he’s amazing), he’s got you exactly where he wants you, trying your hardest to please him but the truth is he will never be pleased and he will never ask you to marry him.

@Sparkletastic

No relationship is perfect OP. You'll be waiting forever.

No relationship is perfect, true. But this one is awful.

Even if he did propose, getting married to this man would be a terrible decision.

I'd say you've dodged a bullet. Why do you want to be married to someone who deliberately says things to hurt you?

And I'd bet a lot of money if OP ends the relationship he'll suddenly love her and be sorry for being so stupid and want to marry her more than anything in the world

Abusive fucker

Once she ends it, he will be incandescent with rage.

First he will claim his undying love and that he was just about to propose to her the very next day. In fact he has booked tickets to a 5 star hotel Paris for the weekend and has the worlds largest diamond ring for her.

If she doesn’t cave at that, he will then get nasty and tell her she’s a money grabbing witch and nothing will every be good enough for her. And that’s what all his friends and family think too.

Then he will backtrack and say he didn’t mean any of it, he was just upset. And if she apologises, he will take her back and forget her terrible behaviour.

@Mymindsgoneawol

Thanks all.

Sorry I should say yhis doesn’t happen all the time

He really is the most amazing man.

It’s just when he gets angry, again not all the time. He says things in anger he thinks I should just know are not true.

He is saying he means he just wants to propose when things are perfect so now won’t because he doesn’t think it would be special.

He wants to make it special for me.

He’s actions all come from a good place

But I’m so heartbroken that he’s said he won’t propose to me now.

He's really not "the most amazing man"

He knows what you want (marriage) and uses it as a stick to keep you in line.

His actions come from a good place???

You are seriously deluded. PPs have unanimously told you that this is an unacceptable way to behave. Most have said to consider the future of your relationship. You need a wake up call if all these people taking time out their day to tell you this has absolutely zero effect. WAKE UP!

At best he is a careless idiot, who doesn’t understand simple English when you tell him what he said hurts your feelings.
At worst he is a misogynistic, gaslighting wankstain that is deliberately using your wants to smack you back into your place.