GCSE hell. What can I say to get them to back off

[SVlover]

I have a lovely daughter who just doesn’t do so well in exams. I have lovely friends who have A star exam performing daughters. And in-laws with daughters who are outstanding from an academic point of view. My friends. Tomorrow….They all want to celebrate!!! But I am sure results here won’t be wonderful. My daughter is distraught. 2 years ago she took an overdose. So good exam results, or lack of them, mean v little to me. My family are v academic. We feel sort of pressured by my side of the family and my friends about results. My daughter can probably repeat if things don’t go well. I’m ok about it. AIBU to tell everyone to back off.

This is why l am so glad my youngest son is home schooled.
He is intelligent but it's so freeing to be away from all this competitive nonsense. He will quietly sit his exams at a private college this Autumn and no one else will be none the wiser.
I would just say we're 're happy she got the results she wanted, and leave it at that.

We had this last year with our daughter. I never ask actual grades, just ‘are you happy with your grades?’ if the subject came up. Our DD isn’t academic, we told people how proud of her we were, she worked hard for her grades, never discuss grades.

OP
For every child that got As or A*S there are equally lots of DCs that got Bs Cs Ds Es - or 6s, 5s, 4s, 3s, 2s as they are now known.

It may not have been a subject she found easy. She may have done well in a few subjects - anything 5 or above is blipping fantastic! Take her out to celebrate passing any! Or a special meal. Be proud. Remind her she had a tough 2 years and stuck with it.

As others have said you don't share her actual grades with anyone - anyone that pushes it when you say your stock response- is not worth your time nor energy. They're private.

We rarely see people share actual results on fb- only that they're proud of them and they're off onto the lovely courses they want for the next stage. If she has to resit English or maths, her school or college will quietly do that, you don't tell people that. She can if she wants, but you don't.

Op I feel for you.

Dd has ASD she barely engaged with school for last two years it’s been a nightmare her mental health has been on the floor.

Cut to her cousin who will be ‘disappointed if she doesn’t get 8/9’s because she has worked so hard’

I want my daughter alive and in one piece that’s all I care about.

I'm in NI, OP, and that AQE story made me shudder a bit. DD is just starting at big school this year so we're not at GCSE stage yet, but one thing the horrors of the AQE taught me is that we don't value people of a range of academic levels enough. Good on your DD for getting to where she has, and best of luck for today.

Any that she has passed, are hers forever and she should be incredibly proud, no one can take them away! You bigging her up wherever the grades will set her up better than A grades and parental criticism!

Don't feel any pressure to give grades to people. I'm keeping them away from social media as much as possible at the minute! The pressures are very real and you have your priorities absolutely right-your daughters happiness and wellbeing.

I'm in ROI and my son who had been self harming and school refusing for a few years now had a breakdown at exam time.

I told him the results meant nothing, and when they came in the post I wouldn't even tell him if he didn't want, but I'm proud he got up and went to each exam, even if he did nothing while he sat there, he showed up. And I'd rather him alive with shit results tbh.

I feel for your daughter and for you. Celebrate her in any way she likes and try to put the braggers out of your head. Your daughter and you are all that matters.

Honestly, it's great to do well academically, but other things are just as important and it's only a measure of one type of ability..

Soft skills, geting on with others and resilience,all equally important in work and life.

As people have said " we are so proud of her" on a loop. That will giver her such a strong message of your support. You sound like a great mum.

When they brag you could reply ‘yes it is a worry isn’t it? So many As and A*s this year- will this generations achievements be devalued due to grade inflation do you think? Hey ho, well I suppose at the end of the day it’s character and experience that counts’ …..or maybe that’s a bit evil

I think celebrating isn’t about what exam results your dd gets, it’s about celebrating how hard the last 18 months has been for all of them and them getting through it, they are celebrating starting their next chapter in their lives what ever that may be (A levels, BTEC, retakes….).
We are proud of our kids what ever happens with their exams, the results today do not determine their future, there are many different paths to take.

Do what ever makes your dd comfortable wether that’s celebrating with friends or just as a family but do let her know how amazing she is for getting through the last 2 years which have been so bloody hard.

You sound like a lovely, supportive and caring Mum and your daughter has that advantage.
GCSE results time is always hard, especially for people who shine in other ways than strictly academic.
Before anyone tells me I know that there are doubts about the origin of the quote in my photo, but the spirit applies equally regardless of the exact source.

Don't share the results, just say they were fantastic and she worked hard. It has nothing to do with anyone else. Your DD has done so well, these exams are not the defining moment of her life. I hope she is proud of what she has achieved.

@Thehop

“I’m incredibly proud of her. Regardless of results.”

“ She’s decided not to share results, instead we’re celebrating her hard work and next steps. “

This is exactly what we said last year! One child with A level results and one with GCSE. In our highly academic family, gardens are posted as soon as they get them, followed by comments! Both of mine are very high achieving but private, and would have found the whole family thing excruciating. So, we just said that we were very proud and they did not wish to share results. People were a bit taken aback, but accepted it as they adore the kids. GPs just wanted to know the kids were OK.

This year, with end of year results of 1st year at University, nobody shared! The other kids in the family hadn’t even realised this was an option until mine did it last year.

*results NOT gardens!

OP, you're rightly very proud of your DD and that's all that matters. Just tell that to the friends and relatives; you need say nothing more.

You sound like a great parent!

I was a straight A* student myself and it did not set me up well for the eventual (and they will happen!) times in life where I wasn't able to excel or maintain my perfect academic record. I have a toddler now and actually hope that he doesn't breeze through every exam he ever sits and learns earlier than I did to develop healthy expectation management skills and self-worth that is not based on his ability to get 100% on a memory test.

I was listening to a podcast a while ago where they described how much more value there is in developing resilience and self efficacy strategies and how unhealthy constant exceptional achievement can be. Also agree with what everyone else has said about the value of other skills including kindness and perseverance.

Just hopped back on here OP to say I hoped your DD does have something to celebrate today (and no, you don’t have to tell us her grades .

I have twins - one academic and one not. The one who is academic has very little common sense. The one who is not is very emotionally intelligent and full of common sense. the one who is not academic needed additional literacy lessons and has learnt to work really hard. The one who is academic has not needed to work hard and has no experience of failing.

I suspect the one who is not academic will do better in life because they can get on with and read people well.

I tell them exams only grade some things in life. They can't tell you if you are kind, generous, loyal, a good friend, a good team worker or think creatively. They only measure certain things and everyone is different. The non academic one is super sporty. the academic one is not. we are proud of all the academic one has achieved and we are proud of all the non academic one has achieved to.

I think "she is brilliant and we are so proud" is a great answer. kids need to know that they are loved and valued for who they are. A much better gift than an A*.

Don’t tell them the results it’s your DD’s business no one else’s! Just say how proud you are of her

If, in the event her results aren’t great, then that’s okay too! I did so bad in my GCSE’s due to my mental health and I’m in my final year of university now. Hopefully now DD is out of school that horrible level of competitiveness between parents will be relieved too xx

@Haveyoubrushedyourteeth

My Dd3 has had a huge wobble tonight. Dd2 got 3 A☆'s in her A levels yesterday, so both she and I know that there are going to be a lot of people asking tomorrow.

Truth is they're very different girls and there's absolutely no way on earth dd3 is going to get anywhere near those results...but I couldn't be prouder of her anyway.

Tomorrow we're going out (just the two of us, I've declined group invitations) and we're going to celebrate it all being over and her being a fabulous person.

I've told her the day they do exams in being kind, funny, thoughtful and great company then I'd be most concerned if she didn't get top marks, but as it stands English, history etc are only a snapshot of who she and she really couldn't be more loved.

I might have something in my eye after reading this.

Have a great day @SVlover, @Haveyoubrushedyourteeth and the rest of you celebrating your wonderful children and their efforts and personal successes

I hope it has all gone well. It is a horrible time for so many kids.

Surely you'll be celebrating the end of this chapter and the beginning of the next? You'll be celebrating her results, regardless if what they are , because she has done her best. That is wonderful. For some a B or C or D is an amazing, wonderful achievement. Good luck today x

I remember my As levels I got d d c and felt like a failure.
Resat them and got b b c which was much better) ive always been rubbish academically.
I did feel like the world had ended at the time, but you can always resit.

I would say to my daughter:

I am proud of the person you are, and no exam grade can ever measure that. They are just pieces of paper, you are a brilliant 3 dimensional person.

Those girls may get As in X, Y and Z, but they will never be you.

Then I would give specific examples of what I am proud of.