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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

GCSE hell. What can I say to get them to back off

317 replies

SVlover · 11/08/2021 22:33

I have a lovely daughter who just doesn’t do so well in exams. I have lovely friends who have A star exam performing daughters. And in-laws with daughters who are outstanding from an academic point of view. My friends. Tomorrow….They all want to celebrate!!! But I am sure results here won’t be wonderful. My daughter is distraught. 2 years ago she took an overdose. So good exam results, or lack of them, mean v little to me. My family are v academic. We feel sort of pressured by my side of the family and my friends about results. My daughter can probably repeat if things don’t go well. I’m ok about it. AIBU to tell everyone to back off.

OP posts:
Original poster
SVlover · 12/08/2021 12:05

Yes, Northern Ireland is a bit of a nightmare and so competitive. Look at the price of houses close to good schools. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Appreciate it.

OP posts:
OchonAgusOchonOh · 12/08/2021 12:09

@Thehop

“I’m incredibly proud of her. Regardless of results.”

“ She’s decided not to share results, instead we’re celebrating her hard work and next steps. “

Second one of these is great but for the first one, I would leave out the "regardless of results" as it sounds like you think she didn't do well.

That said, I really can't understand people asking what someone got. I always ask in order to show interest but I ask "Was x happy with their results?". However, if I suspect they may not be happy I'll just say something like "Big day for x. Great to have got through it all" so it's not a question that needs an answer.

Anyone that asks directly is rude. Have a prior engagement for the celebrations and if they ask directly, just say something like "Yes, she did very well. We're extremely proud of her", rinse and repeat.

Original poster
SVlover · 12/08/2021 12:14

THANKS so much to everyone who has been so supportive on this thread. Can’t reply individually to all. Here’s an update. After a very sleepless night I got dd up and we drove over to the school. She was in floods of tears and almost threw up. Eventually she got herself together and went in to get the dreaded brown envelope. She got on better than I expected! I’ve had a few texts from people who have listed their kid’s A stars but I have congratulated them and declined from offering the same level of detail. I understand parents are excited! I get that. I have since spoken to a careers advisor at my local fe college and she is confident that dd will get a place there to study! Grammar Schools aren’t for everyone. Again a big thanks to all you lovely mumsnetters for your support. BearFlowers

OP posts:
blahblahblah321 · 12/08/2021 12:18

@SVlover

THANKS so much to everyone who has been so supportive on this thread. Can’t reply individually to all. Here’s an update. After a very sleepless night I got dd up and we drove over to the school. She was in floods of tears and almost threw up. Eventually she got herself together and went in to get the dreaded brown envelope. She got on better than I expected! I’ve had a few texts from people who have listed their kid’s A stars but I have congratulated them and declined from offering the same level of detail. I understand parents are excited! I get that. I have since spoken to a careers advisor at my local fe college and she is confident that dd will get a place there to study! Grammar Schools aren’t for everyone. Again a big thanks to all you lovely mumsnetters for your support. BearFlowers
That's fantastic news! Well done to your girl
whenwillthemadnessend · 12/08/2021 12:19

Ahh well done to your dd. It's great she can go on to what she wants. Just focus on that if anyone pushes.

wewereliars · 12/08/2021 12:22

Well done to your girl OP, hope you both have a lovely day.

ancientgran · 12/08/2021 12:27

@SVlover

THANKS so much to everyone who has been so supportive on this thread. Can’t reply individually to all. Here’s an update. After a very sleepless night I got dd up and we drove over to the school. She was in floods of tears and almost threw up. Eventually she got herself together and went in to get the dreaded brown envelope. She got on better than I expected! I’ve had a few texts from people who have listed their kid’s A stars but I have congratulated them and declined from offering the same level of detail. I understand parents are excited! I get that. I have since spoken to a careers advisor at my local fe college and she is confident that dd will get a place there to study! Grammar Schools aren’t for everyone. Again a big thanks to all you lovely mumsnetters for your support. BearFlowers
Glad she managed to get in there and get the results, glad they are better than you expected and so so pleased she can get onto a course at the local fe college.

I went to a grammar, didn't suit me and I left with nothing. Through day release and my local poly I ended up with good qualifications and a six figure salary when I retired a few years ago.

You are so right that grammar schools aren't for everyone. I hope she does well at college.

purplemunkey · 12/08/2021 12:27

Congrats to your daughter. I'm glad she got what she needed to do what she wants to do next. That's all that matters - actual grades are no-one else's business.

fuxxake · 12/08/2021 12:31

Excellent stuff. Have a lovely day with your DD

mushroom3 · 12/08/2021 12:33

Well done you your daughter, you must be really proud of her that she got the grades she needs for college (and can emphasis that to those who ask! Star

Mogloveseggs · 12/08/2021 12:34

That's brilliant well done to your dd

PhoboPhobia · 12/08/2021 12:35

Just joing to offer some solidarity. DS is currently very quiet as he got mainly 3s and will have to retake maths and english from September. But, he is not at all interested in 90% of the curriculum and didn't put in as much effort as he could have and struggled with motivation.

However, he showed up, he never got in trouble, his teachers have always said how lovely he is. One teacher told me should couldn't ever be cross with his lack of effort because he is such a nice lad and always makes her laugh! He is a great human being, a great brother, he has lovely friends and he will talk your ear off for hours on end about cars if he gets the chance. So, he's going to college to learn about cars, he has about 30 different car realted things he wants to do career wise and he is excited for his future.

My overwhelming feeling is just one of frustration with the education system and glad to be out of it as he's our youngest. I have huge admiration for schools and teachers but I think they often have an impossible task with some DCs who just aren't suited to this way of being educated.

I'm sorry your DD is feeling so low. It's a horrble feeling but you sound like a great Mum and she will be hugely grateful for that even if she's upset. I'm also sorry that people make you feel like you have to justify. People can get over excited when their kids do well and can be insenstive (if I'm being charitable). Focus on your DD and I hope she ends up doing something she loves.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 12/08/2021 12:39

Good on her. Fantastic to get what's she's worked for.

I really don't understand parent sharing actual results, especially if they are very good. It just shows a total lack of empathy and consideration.

The only people we shared actual results with were grandparents and close family. For dd's leaving cert, I did also share with her friend's mother as our dc were away on holidays and the two of us were queuing up with the other kids to get the resultsGrin

Dd and ds1 didn't share their results particularly widely. It was pretty obvious they had done well in the leaving cert by the courses they did in uni but they had enough empathy with their classmates not to volunteer the information.

We're waiting for ds2's leaving cert results this year. He's unlikely to do as well as the other 2 but we'll still be going with the same strategy - he did very well. We're proud of him.

eeek88 · 12/08/2021 12:40

I tell my class not to share the results because it always leads to bad feeling of some kind. Either you feel bad because someone did better than you, or you make someone else feel bad by ramming your great results down their throat. And anyway it doesn’t matter!

They’re kids so they obviously ignore me in 99% of cases but it would be helpful if parents could back up this message instead of contributing to the overall pressure.

eyeoresancerre · 12/08/2021 12:41

That's fantastic news - off to FE. You must be incredibly proud of her. You sound a great mum too.xx

NCBlossom · 12/08/2021 12:43

I have this too. Friends whose kids all do very well and my kid who can’t concentrate for more than a few seconds so school was a complete nightmare. My other child has learning difficulties too, serious ones and just doing an exam will be tricky (possibly never will).

I make a point of saying how proud I am of them to my friends for their achievements - kind of quite pointedly to give them a wake up call that some kids have enormous challenges and yet despite of that are amazing human beings (as my kids are)…
…it does the trick!

Thedayohthedayohtheday · 12/08/2021 12:45

None of my children did well at GCSE. All have been very successful at work. I hate this obsession with how children have performed in exams. It hurts children who struggle, and judging by my brilliant cousin, who ended up a Gynaecology /Obstetrics consultant at age 28, it sometimes doesn't do much for personality/empathy either!!

WeAreFromThePlanetDuplo · 12/08/2021 12:45

Hooray! Well done SV's DD!

NCBlossom · 12/08/2021 12:47

I would also though look at your friendships a bit.

I love my friends - but they do on the surface say very ‘woke’ things and promote disabilities etc. But in reality they are all over their kids being middle class, bright and all going to grammar schools (with tutoring to get them in). They don’t admit to this and kind of look on me with a bit of patronage.

I’m not from such a wealthy background either to begin with but have more qualifications now than them - and I think sometimes it shows a bit of an ugly underbelly of the old class system.

Challenge your friends a bit!

WeAreFromThePlanetDuplo · 12/08/2021 12:48

@PhoboPhobia

Just joing to offer some solidarity. DS is currently very quiet as he got mainly 3s and will have to retake maths and english from September. But, he is not at all interested in 90% of the curriculum and didn't put in as much effort as he could have and struggled with motivation.

However, he showed up, he never got in trouble, his teachers have always said how lovely he is. One teacher told me should couldn't ever be cross with his lack of effort because he is such a nice lad and always makes her laugh! He is a great human being, a great brother, he has lovely friends and he will talk your ear off for hours on end about cars if he gets the chance. So, he's going to college to learn about cars, he has about 30 different car realted things he wants to do career wise and he is excited for his future.

My overwhelming feeling is just one of frustration with the education system and glad to be out of it as he's our youngest. I have huge admiration for schools and teachers but I think they often have an impossible task with some DCs who just aren't suited to this way of being educated.

I'm sorry your DD is feeling so low. It's a horrble feeling but you sound like a great Mum and she will be hugely grateful for that even if she's upset. I'm also sorry that people make you feel like you have to justify. People can get over excited when their kids do well and can be insenstive (if I'm being charitable). Focus on your DD and I hope she ends up doing something she loves.

Your son sounds great, @PhoboPhobia, how brilliant that he has found his 'thing' and is fantastically suited to doing well at it.
Sssloou · 12/08/2021 12:56

So delighted for you and your DD.

Better that expected - savour that!

Look how far she has come - and that’s all down to all your dedicated support over the years.

BritishSummertime · 12/08/2021 12:58

Congrats to your DD, she's lucky to have such a supportive mum 🥰

And to the PP whose DS is going to do something with cars, it's great he knows what he wants to do, most people have no idea at 16 (including me!)

Ringsender2 · 12/08/2021 12:59

@SVlover that's great news. Hope the snots are gone enough for you both to be out somewhere (or in) and having a lovely time together and celebrating her and her next steps.

CoasterCoaster · 12/08/2021 13:02

I hope DD is feeling better now she knows her results OP, the wait is sooo stressful. She should be very proud of what she's achieved and it's clear how proud you are of her, you both sound lovely. Fingers crossed that college helps build her confidence and she realises she is anything but a disappointment Flowers

Wilkolampshade · 12/08/2021 13:10

Oh @SVlover, when I got my (slightly better than average but not stellar) 'O' Level results my mum literally took to her bed in a darkened room and cried, all day. For the following 2/3 days she wouldn't even talk or make eye contact with me, and even refused to do so when I bumped into her with a friend whilst out, eventually explaining to the friend that this was because "she" (meaning me), had let her down so badly.. I did a few things she liked over the years, but not many, and never fulfilled some mythical potential she had in mind for me.
My youngest has struggles similar to your DD. My line, and I'm sticking to it, is that for her, my bottom line is breathing. Breathing is good. And I just want her to stay with me. All the other stuff can follow later.
You will clearly never be like my mum, and thank God for that. Today I hope is full of cake and bubbles and love for you both. Everyone else can just bugger off. xxxx

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