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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

GCSE hell. What can I say to get them to back off

317 replies

SVlover · 11/08/2021 22:33

I have a lovely daughter who just doesn’t do so well in exams. I have lovely friends who have A star exam performing daughters. And in-laws with daughters who are outstanding from an academic point of view. My friends. Tomorrow….They all want to celebrate!!! But I am sure results here won’t be wonderful. My daughter is distraught. 2 years ago she took an overdose. So good exam results, or lack of them, mean v little to me. My family are v academic. We feel sort of pressured by my side of the family and my friends about results. My daughter can probably repeat if things don’t go well. I’m ok about it. AIBU to tell everyone to back off.

OP posts:
Queenie6655 · 12/08/2021 13:18

Considering all the crap that has been fired at these young students for so long

They have done so so well !!!!

I never could have coped with remote learning or being in and out of isolation xxxx

Original poster
SVlover · 12/08/2021 13:24

@Wilkolampshade

Oh *@SVlover*, when I got my (slightly better than average but not stellar) 'O' Level results my mum literally took to her bed in a darkened room and cried, all day. For the following 2/3 days she wouldn't even talk or make eye contact with me, and even refused to do so when I bumped into her with a friend whilst out, eventually explaining to the friend that this was because "she" (meaning me), had let her down so badly.. I did a few things she liked over the years, but not many, and never fulfilled some mythical potential she had in mind for me. My youngest has struggles similar to your DD. My line, and I'm sticking to it, is that for her, my bottom line is breathing. Breathing is good. And I just want her to stay with me. All the other stuff can follow later. You will clearly never be like my mum, and thank God for that. Today I hope is full of cake and bubbles and love for you both. Everyone else can just bugger off. xxxx
I am so sorry to hear that you have been treated this way by your mum. We all deserve love and encouragement. It costs the giver nothing. U sound like a great mother. XFlowers
OP posts:
Original poster
SVlover · 12/08/2021 13:28

Thanks. X

OP posts:
MargaretThursday · 12/08/2021 13:35

Well done, glad she's done better than expected.

One word of warning about playing up the "we're very happy" or "we're proud of the effort"... for me that made me feel worse.
I was the middle one in a family with a very bright all-rounder hard-worker older one, and a younger one who people held their breath in admiration at their academics. I was very good at one subject and not so much in the others, and not a hard worker especially.
When I heard my dm saying "oh we're very proud of her" and telling me that she was so proud of how well I'd worked etc. I heard "we're a bit worried about what your results are/will be because they will not be up to the others."
I do not (looking back) think she meant that by any means. I do think she was trying to take the pressure off me, but it just made me feel that I really was rubbish compared to others.

Here's the real rub though: I actually got better GCSEs than either of them. I only realised in my 20s when I thought about it rationally with the benefit of distance. I knew their results. I obviously knew mine, but it never registered with me that actually I'd done better because I always felt that they were regarded as so much better than me-looking back, I don't think I was, but I felt that way.

saraclara · 12/08/2021 13:41

Oh that's great news, OP! Better results than expected are the best kind of results!

I hope your DD is feeling better, and I hope she really enjoys college.

BakedTattie · 12/08/2021 13:48

That’s great news op!

Fwiw - I failed every single exam in school. I come from a very academic family and was terrified I would disappoint everyone. Nope, not at all. And I now sit here with 2 degrees, diplomas and my own very successful business.

Grades don’t always have to matter.

namechange30455 · 12/08/2021 14:09

I got good GCSE results and I'd have been mortified if my parents went about boasting about them to other people's parents! Your friends sound very odd and insensitive in that regard.

I also got a 2.2 in my degree because I was suffering from mental illness and despite that being my "worst" academic result on my CV, it is the one I am by far the most proud of because of the context it was achieved in. I'm so pleased your DD's results were better than she was expecting. You must be incredibly proud of her OP Smile

LookItsMeAgain · 12/08/2021 14:42

Aw the poor thing. It has been such a tough year. Can I add that I have two kids, we live in Ireland so we have Junior Cert (similar to GCSE) and Leaving Cert (similar to A Levels).
I have always told my kids that so long as they do their best in their exams not one single person can condemn them for that. They did their best. It might not be the same as another pupil or a relative but it's their best and I'm happy with that. Also that the results are just a snapshot of how a bunch of strangers (the examiners) get to see how they can regurgitate the knowledge that the teachers have tried to impart over the past few years. Some people are fantastic at doing exams in a 3hr setting or whatever. Other struggle with that and prefer continuous assessment. No one size fits all when it comes to education.
Lastly, in the whole scheme of life, how you do in one set of exams when you're 15 or 16 is really not going to define who you turn out to be when you're 30. No one cares how you did in your GCSE/A Levels when you're 30. I don't walk around with my Leaving Cert results in my handbag (and I only did that on the day they came out because we had to go to the school to collect them).
There is more than one way to get on to the next phase in whatever they want to do.

I really hope your DD can get the support she needs (sounds like you're doing well with her yourself but your extended family is a bit slow to realise that not everything is about grades).
Best of luck to you with this. Flowers

LookItsMeAgain · 12/08/2021 14:43

Sorry - I had replied (only based on the first 100 posts) and hadn't seen the latest update you posted @SVlover.

I'm delighted for your DD!
Onwards and upwards from here.

Mooloolabababy · 12/08/2021 14:57

Ah that's good news op, I'm so pleased for you and your Dd! My dd just got her gcse results today and after a truly shit 2 years of severe anxiety and depression, not going to school, self harm and counselling, I'm so, so glad we're out the other side. My dd did better than expected and I'm so proud of what she's achieved considering what she's been though. I've tried to avoid social media today though as I don't need to see all the parents showing their dcs results, as much I am immensely proud, I feel sad at what she could have achieved if it weren't for her mental health issues.

BlackeyedSusan · 12/08/2021 15:02

When you have a kid where something has happened that makes you relieved they are just still here you worry a hell of a lot less about grades. School were talking about not doing well academically at age 9. Didn't fucking care, just wanted child alive by the time they are 18.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 12/08/2021 15:12

That's good to hear, OP.

I have no idea why we put our children through this nonsense of a big high-pressure Olympic-style competition at the end of school. It must be possible to find a way of ushering them all on to the next stage without unnecessary, meaningless comparisons. Individual talents and interests can be identified and used to guide decisions as to what to do next in much more low-key and humane ways.

Very few children actually flourish in the current fraught system. Those that do might just have the necessary sangfroid, robust constitution and memory capacity to cope with exams but may not be better at applying their knowledge in a work situation, which makes the whole business of ranking and grades even more absurd.

I do wonder if we will look back at this time in educational history and shudder, just as we look back with distaste on sending children up chimneys or to labour in fields.

DaisyRenton18 · 12/08/2021 15:43

Oh congratulations to your daughter OP! You must both be so relieved the wait is over.

I like someone's earlier comment about answering questions by moving the conversation forward to her plans, something along the lines of 'I'm so proud of her, she worked really hard and is so looking forward to starting college in September'.
The obvious next questions there are 'oh what is she going to do/where is she going', not 'but what were her actual grades?'

If you think someone's going to actually be rude enough to ask outright, follow '... in September' with a question of your own, like 'is X excited about college/A levels/work?' or 'she's going to be studying ABC subject, didn't you do something like that/I wish all these different subjects had been available when we were 16, don't you?'

MadeinBelfast · 12/08/2021 15:44

@SVlover

THANKS so much to everyone who has been so supportive on this thread. Can’t reply individually to all. Here’s an update. After a very sleepless night I got dd up and we drove over to the school. She was in floods of tears and almost threw up. Eventually she got herself together and went in to get the dreaded brown envelope. She got on better than I expected! I’ve had a few texts from people who have listed their kid’s A stars but I have congratulated them and declined from offering the same level of detail. I understand parents are excited! I get that. I have since spoken to a careers advisor at my local fe college and she is confident that dd will get a place there to study! Grammar Schools aren’t for everyone. Again a big thanks to all you lovely mumsnetters for your support. BearFlowers
Congratulations to your daughter OP. I have some experience with the FE sector in NI through work and the staff I've met are wonderfully supportive of their students. I hope she has a great experience.
Violinist64 · 12/08/2021 15:48

Congratulations to your daughter. I’m glad everything has worked out for her.

SisterBeaverhausen · 12/08/2021 15:50

OP I just want to say that GCSEs aren't the end all and be all. I also struggled with exams and due to I'll health I was rarely at school. I got 3 GCSEs and went to a local college after. Did low level courses and worked my way up (I find coursework better than exams) I now have an undergraduate and Masters degree and no one ever asks about my GCSEs. So let your daughter know that she can still accomplish great things

Cocolapew · 12/08/2021 15:53

Well to your DD, I'm in NI and know how competitive it can be.

wingsandstrings · 12/08/2021 15:56

I would just say something like 'we don't want to get sucked into the whole grades obsession, it doesn't seem healthy. I feel for young people, with so much pressure on them. I'm so proud of DD's mature approach to it' and leave it at that.
A hard working and pleasant child is likely to do very well in life. Grades are not the be all and end all.

MoiraNotRuby · 12/08/2021 16:51

Congratulations OP and DD. My stock answer is 'DS got through such tough times and has everything he needs to study his choices for the next 2 years, so we're really pleased for him. He knows his grades are his own and only for sharing with parents and future employers unless he wants to tell others himself '

Atalune · 12/08/2021 17:23

Well done!

chocolateorangeinhaler · 12/08/2021 17:35

I think your daughter is an absolute star. To come back from a dark lonely place isn't easy and to do GCSEs on top! She's a lot stronger than she thinks.
I'm a cynical unemotional person usually but this post made me feel really emotional. Is there anything special she's wanted for ages that could be given as a well done for working hard treat?
I wish her all the luck in the luck in the world for whatever she wants to do in life going forward. She should be very very proud of what she's achieved so far.

Xenia · 12/08/2021 18:16

My mother ( a teacher) gave us a present before results came out (as it was for effort not the mark you got). Very wise.

user68901 · 12/08/2021 18:26

I have no idea when sharing exam grades became a thing . I'm sure not even my aunties knew what o level or a level grades we got . I suppose it's since email and texting when communications became simplet. But i dreaded this when gcse came round for us and the usual comparisons. It was all so competitive. I try to think about my friends and whether i actually know how any of them did in their exams and i have no idea. So hopefully it's just a temporary grin and bear it exercise and all gets long forgotten as they move on. The whole facebook announcements wind me up too. I feel so sorry for people who aren't celebrating . I wish your dd the best of luck OP xx

Ireolu · 12/08/2021 18:38

Well done to your daughter for all her hard work.

ABMUA · 12/08/2021 19:07

Hi op just wanted to say you are a great mom. Had the same experience today with ds who is on asd spectrum. Just told him to do his best, but to my surprise did better then what i thought considering the year they had. Had a big smile on his face made my day.
Good luck to your child in everything they do