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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

GCSE hell. What can I say to get them to back off

317 replies

SVlover · 11/08/2021 22:33

I have a lovely daughter who just doesn’t do so well in exams. I have lovely friends who have A star exam performing daughters. And in-laws with daughters who are outstanding from an academic point of view. My friends. Tomorrow….They all want to celebrate!!! But I am sure results here won’t be wonderful. My daughter is distraught. 2 years ago she took an overdose. So good exam results, or lack of them, mean v little to me. My family are v academic. We feel sort of pressured by my side of the family and my friends about results. My daughter can probably repeat if things don’t go well. I’m ok about it. AIBU to tell everyone to back off.

OP posts:
Tiana4 · 12/08/2021 10:00

@HugeBowlofChips

I would say to my daughter:

I am proud of the person you are, and no exam grade can ever measure that. They are just pieces of paper, you are a brilliant 3 dimensional person.

Those girls may get As in X, Y and Z, but they will never be you.

Then I would give specific examples of what I am proud of.

I love this 💕 💕
Imapotato · 12/08/2021 10:00

Good grade at GCSE or even A levels are not the be all and end all of life. My GCSE grades were shocking (I was a naughty kid) and I never took A levels. I’m doing a degree as an adult though and doing well. My degree is in an AHP profession with the same banding ( and therefore the same pay) as the AHP career my very very high achieving younger sister is about to start a masters in ( having first done another degree). So even though I have two GCSEs at grade C or above and she has a whole crop of As and A*s our careers will actually look very similar.

Your response to the people who are smug at their DCs high grades is; we are all very proud of how hard she’s worked through these challenging times. Her work ethic will serve her well in the future.

Lucilledoesyoga · 12/08/2021 10:02

My mum got me a little present for my GCSE results. She gave it to me before I actually got the results, and I said 'why - you don't know how I've done?' and she told me the reward was for the effort and the work and the milestone - the actual grades were irrelevant to her. Good luck to your daughter today.

Whatliesbeneath707 · 12/08/2021 10:16

I would plan to take her out for the day that the others are planning a celebration on. Do something really interesting that she will remember & spoil her. Do fun things, make some great memories & take some photos to remind yourselves of how much fun you had.

saraclara · 12/08/2021 10:19

Thinking of you and your daughter today, OP, as I'm reading the news articles about the results.

I hope that your DD copes well and that the phrases that people have offered here will be helpful to you, however she's done.

starrynight87 · 12/08/2021 10:27

Some people just want to show-off, no matter how insensitive or dull it is.

Well done to your daughter xxx

OhYouBadBadKitten · 12/08/2021 10:30

I hope everything has gone as well as possible for your dd today.

People she tells needn't assume that she didn't get high grades, my academic dd has always chosen not to share her grades with people. It's simply not their business if the dc doesn't want to share.

toocold54 · 12/08/2021 10:32

YANBU but it’s ok for other people to be proud of their children because they did get good grades.

You could give them a heads up that she didn’t do as well as she hoped but I would definitely join in the celebrations as they have had such a tough school year and they should be proud for just getting through it.

I am a secondary school teacher and I got crap grades due to bad behaviour. Luckily at the time I didn’t care and although I did have to re-do my GCSEs as an adult I don’t think it’s actually impacted my life negatively in any way.
Life is not all about grades!!

toocold54 · 12/08/2021 10:34

My mum got me a little present for my GCSE results. She gave it to me before I actually got the results, and I said 'why - you don't know how I've done?' and she told me the reward was for the effort and the work and the milestone - the actual grades were irrelevant to her. Good luck to your daughter today.

This is lovely and I’m going to steal this idea for my DC when they get to that age Grin

EmotionalSupportBear · 12/08/2021 10:44

i hate people who think 'clever' means good grades. >.<

I didnt get a single A or A* and got mostly C's in my GCSE's, and failed my a levels completely. i have an IQ of 138! I am however, AWFUL at exams, i can't do them.. have since found out i have autism/adhd which explains somewhat.

The quals i have as an adult have all been work based assessments, and no exams, and i always get really good results that way.

Just keep telling her that you're proud of how hard she's worked, and how well she's coped this last couple of years.. anyone who's been through what she has, and still managed to sit her exams, is a miracle that ought to be proud of herself for her achievements. This generation of kids have amazed me with their resilience during the pandemic, and any kind of step forward needs celebrating :)

Fainasnowchild · 12/08/2021 10:44

My eldest got 5 GCSEs and 2 A levels - a C and an E.

I am immensely proud of him. He is autistic and battled through sixth form whilst suffering severe depression and autistic burnout that left him unable to attend about 95 percent of lessons. We offered him the chance to drop out, get better, start again, do an extra year, go to college for btechs, look at apprenticeships etc etc, but he said no, he wanted to try to carry on.

His results represent the bravest kid I have ever known and a true reflection of perseverance and resilience. How do his results matter less than a kid who sailed through with ease and got 3 A* grades?

I could not be prouder of him.

herecomesthsun · 12/08/2021 10:45

yep I made a big fuss of DC immediately after the 11+ - because I wanted to reward the effort, not the result.

SeaToSki · 12/08/2021 10:48

Oh….in our house we dont discuss grades, we think it diminishes the actual achievement…. and change the subject….

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 12/08/2021 10:51

Yes. Thanks so much. I think many people want to know actual grades. We have an aqe process in Northern Ireland where you have to get over 95 to get into a grammar when you are 10 or 11. I met a mum from school whose daughter got the top mark of 126. She actually asked me for my son’s exact mark. It’s a nightmare

A good response to nosey questions of all sorts is, "Why do you want to know?"

DeclineandFall · 12/08/2021 10:57

I'm from NI, and your age (ish) and I was a product of the academic hot house of a NI Grammar school, I went on to be an academic and I can say from the heart I wish I hadn't. I was sort of sent along that path and I was stuck in the mindset of academic achievement somehow being the measure of me and if I questioned it I was told I was being ridiculous. It all means fuck all at the end of the day.
My son is academic but goes to a Scottish comp- it is far more healthy in terms of how academic achievements are viewed and how he sees himself in the world.
Less academic grades will give her a chance to actually do and think about what she wants. I bet she will be happier in the end than some of her compatriots.

Hankunamatata · 12/08/2021 11:07

Oh god it's the worse in NI with grammars schools. I'd get the results and take her out for the day alone to celebrate and relax. Perhaps spa day or lunch out. Keep telling her how proud you are of her for having the courage to do the exams.

larkstar · 12/08/2021 11:09

Regardless of age, I think all kids need someone to say "Don't worry - everything is going to be fine".

Firstly I've come to think that displaying "hope" is incredibly important - especially at those times when you have to admit you don't quite know what the next move will be - hope is a way of displaying an inner confidence that you will find ways, that you will find opportunities, that you will overcome problems.

Secondly - I think it so important to help your kids understand that life is full of uncertainty - some of the most important things that happen in life you have no control over - someone falls ill or dies, your company makes you redundant, people you love and trust let you down - they can be difficult times but you have to learn to accept that these things inevitably do happen and you need to learn to roll with the punches - uncertainty needs embracing - you have to learn to face up to it and not to fear it - often these setback provide opportunities to get closer or to move in the direction towards what you really want in life - I think some people might think this way of looking at things runs counter to the idea of protecting your kids from upset and wanting to provide infinite security - I think when things go wrong in life, as an adult with kids, it's a great and important opportunity for the adults to model how you deal with uncertainty.

Thirdly - I find myself saying "There's no such thing as a magic wand" - it's a way of saying it's no good saying "I wish..." this hadn't happened or that reality was different to what it is.

So for your daughter - I would keep reassuring her and say "Don't worry - everything is going to be OK" if she's worried about the future - and then remain hopeful and support her through to the next stages of discovering what she will do with her life - she can still carry on studying if she wants to - their happiness is important and you realise that when you are faced with real problems; my daughter fell seriously ill while at uni - believe me you don't worry about academic success at those points - I sat with her while she wrote an email to the uni saying she needed to step down from the 3rd year of a 5 year course (imagine having worked all those years to get to where she was and then to have to let it go) - in order to be admitted to hospital - she was hospitalised for 6 months - I said to her exactly what I'm saying here - "Don't worry..." etc - of course I didn't know the way forward or any of the answers at that point - I didn't pretend I did - it was just important to let her know she had the support she would need and that we would find ways. We did and we're even closer as a result.

I think it's a great shame that many students come to see themselves as successful only if they are academically successful - most teachers aim to praise effort not achievement - I wish more parents would take that to heart - so if a child doesn't do well in exams or at school imagine what that might lead them to feel about themselves. I find all children benefit from lots of honest praise about a million things other than how well they do in an exam - they can be praised for being a good friend, cheerful, forgiving, helpful, funny, a good listener, thoughtful, honest, playful, loving, good company, supportive, imaginative, hard working, accepting, a clear thinker, good under pressure, tenacious, deep thinking, a good speaker, observant, intuitive, understanding, open minded, humble, non-judgemental - these qualities really do matter in life.

Your relationship with your daughter matters a lot to both of you and now is an important time to pull together. I agree - you should still try and think of something memorable to do to make a happy memory that you can link to results day.

wewereliars · 12/08/2021 11:13

Fainasnowchild very well done to your boy. He's a credit to you.

GCSE's and A levels are such a blunt instrument, and ignore the fact that each child is running a different race.

Goldensyrupissticky · 12/08/2021 11:21

It is nobody else’s business, only people who need to know are those at school and future employers. Your daughter sounds like she got top marks when it came to mothers. Everyone is right, it doesn’t matter what others get.

I have two children, both work very hard however one has Aspergers and is very dyslexic and the other doesn’t. My child with additional needs is struggling, is very downhearted and it is tough to watch. My friends with children the same age are all absolute academic whizzes, basically A grades expected for A levels. It sucks, last year I just hid from social media until the parade of A grades for GCSEs finished. Silly, I know but I know they want to share their pride but their journey isn’t mine or my child’s.

pommedeterre · 12/08/2021 11:34

@toocold54

My mum got me a little present for my GCSE results. She gave it to me before I actually got the results, and I said 'why - you don't know how I've done?' and she told me the reward was for the effort and the work and the milestone - the actual grades were irrelevant to her. Good luck to your daughter today.

This is lovely and I’m going to steal this idea for my DC when they get to that age Grin

Me too! That means so much more than rewarding grades.
Greystray · 12/08/2021 11:49

It sounds like you guys have plenty to celebrate regardless of what some letters on a piece of paper say.

Bythemillpond · 12/08/2021 11:54

I think having common sense and confidence is going to stand you more in good stead than any amount of GCSEs

Dd with these skills at 18 was manager of events with 300 + people and in charge 20+ staff members.some of whom had gone to university to one day get the job dd was doing
Her df was at an event she was managing and was having a hard time reconciling in his mind the stroppy teen who had got out of bed that morning to the slick manger who was directing staff to keep a few hundred people in drinks and canapés and then everyone being fed a meal that they weren’t allergic to.
After the first lockdown as both her business and the hospitality work was gone she hired herself out to work with groups of young teens who had SENs, adhd/dyslexia/ASD
She said the look on their face when she was asked which university she went to and she replied none. I didn’t get any A levels and only scraped a few GCSEs was priceless. She said she had heard the expression jaw dropping but never witnessed so many who’s mouth had fallen open in astonishment. She then told them that she too had ADHD and dyslexia. The person in charge said after that her admitting that she didn’t have a string of qualifications and had similar problems to them but could work and drive a nice car and make their way in life was so good for their confidence as they could see that for all their problems that they weren’t right offs destined for unemployment or minimum wage jobs.

Whatever your dd or anyone passes for their GCSEs seems like a huge deal at the time but it is the choices you make after which determines how you live your life.

Xenia · 12/08/2021 11:56

No obligation to tell anyone. I was remembering today when my son got his results a good while back and we went up to the school and he was asked to leaev the school before sixth form as a result. In fact he had a remark in one paper which meant he DID by about Sept meet the requirements for the sixth form but they would not back down and he did A levels (CCC) elsewhere. With his third class university degree (which presumably is pretty hard to get so lowl.....) he was a happy post man and now is a very happy supermarket food delivery driver. They are just exams. They are a construct. They don't determine if you live a morally good and happy life and find personal contentment and balance.

Gilly12345 · 12/08/2021 11:58

People are very self absorbed about exam results and presume that everyone does well and want to celebrate.

Unfortunately some don’t get the top grades and celebrating is not that important even though we tell our children we are proud of them and there is a new chapter around the corner.

Tell them you have your own plans and thanks for thinking of us but we are celebrating on our own.

SVlover · 12/08/2021 12:01

This is great advice!

OP posts: