GCSE hell. What can I say to get them to back off

[SVlover]

I have a lovely daughter who just doesn’t do so well in exams. I have lovely friends who have A star exam performing daughters. And in-laws with daughters who are outstanding from an academic point of view. My friends. Tomorrow….They all want to celebrate!!! But I am sure results here won’t be wonderful. My daughter is distraught. 2 years ago she took an overdose. So good exam results, or lack of them, mean v little to me. My family are v academic. We feel sort of pressured by my side of the family and my friends about results. My daughter can probably repeat if things don’t go well. I’m ok about it. AIBU to tell everyone to back off.

@Atalune

We are all incredibly proud of how hard she’s worked.

Rinse and repeat.

This. You don't have to give out grades to any one asking nosing as they could stick their oar in with their opinion whether it's good, or bad, or whatever Just say we're very proud of her, and she worked hard so did really well. All they need to know!

Best wishes to your lovely daughter. As someone who left school with no qualifications and a lot of struggles, I caught up and did fine at university. Exams are not the be-all and end-all and many people don’t shine under that much pressure. It says precisely nothing about their academic potential. 🌺

I got 7 As and 2Bs for GCSEs - when I told my dad the first thing out of his mouth was “what did you get the Bs for?” This is NOT a very good thing to say…..

I come from an academic family and suffered a lot with severe depression at the time of my exams. My parents told me repeatedly that as long as I had done my best, whatever that meant, that's all that mattered.

My dad told his parents once something lile as long as I was here every day (as kn keep on choosing to live) they would be proud of me and nothing like grades would ever match that pride in how I got through every day while depressed.

Both of those things helped tbh because it didn't matter what pressures I felt from elsewhere, my parents were a rock to lean on and it felt like the 3 of us were a team.

I suggest lying.

Simply look them in the eye and tell them she got 15 A*s (or whatever the highest grade is).

It flummoxes people, they don't know what to say .

Having seen three children through school there is no doubt that happiness is far, far more important than academic achievement and anyone who thinks otherwise is not worthy of consideration.

I would hope that your extremely academic friends and family would be well-read and emotionally intelligent enough to appreciate that a child who has attempted suicide needs no comments made to or about her about exam results!

You've already shown how incredibly proud of her you are.

Let her know this over and over, it will be a special day regardless of what a piece of paper makes.

She is loved and sounds lovely and so do you. Well done to your daughter from me.

Say “Oh! I forgot to ask her if she minds me sharing her grades. I’ll ask her and get back to you. We’re so proud of her though.”

You and DD both sound lovely. Congratulations to her on getting through what she has and on her hard work.

(and if my DS’s A level results are anything to go by, she might do better than you’ve expected - not a stealth boast, we were just more relieved than anything)

@neamchimpsky

If asked directly for grades I think is go with a wide smile and "why on earth would you need to know that? She's brilliant, and we're proud of her". And don't forget that just because someone asks a question doesn't mean you need to answer it.

Love this.

Your daughter's results belong to her and no matter if she were to get a string of grade 9s or grade 3s, they're still her results and she's under no obligation to share them. It doesn't sound as though it will be helpful for her to be around your friends' DDs today, or to have to worry that in-laws and other family members are expecting to be told what she got. Are you up to blocking the numbers of those friends and family for a day or two so they can't get through on the phone and messages won't reach you? Could you unplug your landline? Creating a buffer around your DD so she doesn't have to deal with what she feels will be the disappointment of others might help give you all a bit of space. It may be helpful for her to block the numbers/Instagram/snap profiles of any of her braggy friends too, to give her a chance to process things herself and time to think about what (if anything) she wants others to know about her plans. In a few days, she may decide she's OK to share that she's really looking forward to X college or is pleased she won't have to resit English but she may decide she isn't up for sharing any detail in which case she might want to come up with a party line for you and her to use e.g. I'm keeping my results private but they weren't far off what I thought... I got 27 grade 9s but I've been keeping quiet because talking about grades feels quite rude/shallow/weird ... are you asking because you want me to ask about yours? OK then, tell me your grades...

@Usernamqwerty

Being lovely is way better than getting good grades! X

Definitely agree with this. My ex bully of a boss went to Oxford and made sure everyone knew of her academic achievements. But she is a nasty piece of work and nearly all the team secretly hate her.

To respond to someone who specifically asks you for your son’s exact mark, you could say "Why do you ask?" (Adding a head tilt for effect if you liked).
If they refer to their own child's marks, you can say that that was wonderful, and equally you're so proud of your own child (without stating the marks). Isn't it great we have got our children to this stage etc. etc.
If they push further say "why do you ask? Is little Johnny ok?"
Then announce so long as everyone is happy that's wonderful.
Change the subject to Weather/Boris/Covid or whatever.

Good luck to your dd tomorrow. Hope that she isn’t as disappointed as you fear, and if she is, then she’s lucky to have such a supportive mum and hopefully she won’t feel as bad as you fear.

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]**@Tickledtrout* What a fantastic bunch of young adults we have,* the op’s daughter is waiting for her GSCE results not A levels.[/quote]
16 is a young adult surely? Children if you really prefer

Say you don't like bragging about grades so aren't out of principle.

@idontlikealdi

You are very proud of what she's achieved, again and again.

I got 10 As in my GCSEs, I'll never forgive my mum for saying of well xx cousin got 5a* and 5 As. Never a word she was proud of what I achieved.

My kids aren't high achievers but I'm bloody proud of everything they do and I make sure they know it.

^^This My mother was like yours @idontlikealdi, never good enough for her. I too am very proud of my now adult DCs and my DGCs 🙂

I hope your daughter is okay bless her. My son gets his results today also. He seems okay so far.

I've told him that regardless of the shit year they've all had, he's 16, if he doesn't get the results he wants then in all honesty does it really matter? There's nothing that can't be fixed and it's not the end of the world.

Life changes all the time, people can choose to study throughout their whole lives if they wish to suit changing careers etc so why worry about grades at 16 years of age when they have their whole lives ahead of them to make changes.

As I've said, nothing that can't be fixed/sorted 👍🏼

Best of luck to your daughter and remind her that in the grand scheme of what life throws at us all, this is just a blip...

My son has done well in his Alevels but I don’t tell people the actual results. Especially DH bloody family. If they ask I just say he got what he needed. He is always being compared to his privately educated cousin. It’s so tedious. You sound like a great mum, just tell people not to be so bloody nosy

Oh and I'll be proud of him whatever results he gets, I've been proud of both of my sons since the day they were born, today's results won't change that whatever he gets 😃

I think you are over thinking this OP. My daughter did get a string of A*s but is extremely modest and didn't want to tell anyone her results.

Everyone: how did dd do?
Me: really well thanks, we're all very happy.

Dd2 is getting results today, she has SEN and I'm not expecting anything beyond bare passes (and that is aspirational, and she only did 3 subjects). I am extremely proud of her and my response if anyone queries will be exactly the same as dd1.

I think the emphasis should be on what is a good achievement for her … a non-academic child who gives it their all and gets grades that reflect that (whatever they are) is in a better situation than a child who hasn’t really put in the effort and sailed through. Believe me - I am the latter child and it took me a long time to understand that the final grade/outcome didn’t matter as long as I had given it my best shot. Nowadays this is more relevant in the workplace or in job interviews. As long as I can be proud of what I put in I am much more resilient about the fallout.

Your daughter has done so well, you must be incredibly proud of her.

@zigzag56445

My kids aren't at that stage yet but one of them I can see already will struggle with exams even though he's a very intelligent child. I saw this before and it really resonated with me.

Very true x

@Disfordarkchocolate

Your daughter has done so well, you must be incredibly proud of her.

She’s a pet

@jasminoide

I think you are over thinking this OP. My daughter did get a string of A*s but is extremely modest and didn't want to tell anyone her results.

Everyone: how did dd do?
Me: really well thanks, we're all very happy.

Dd2 is getting results today, she has SEN and I'm not expecting anything beyond bare passes (and that is aspirational, and she only did 3 subjects). I am extremely proud of her and my response if anyone queries will be exactly the same as dd1.

Thanks x