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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

GCSE hell. What can I say to get them to back off

317 replies

SVlover · 11/08/2021 22:33

I have a lovely daughter who just doesn’t do so well in exams. I have lovely friends who have A star exam performing daughters. And in-laws with daughters who are outstanding from an academic point of view. My friends. Tomorrow….They all want to celebrate!!! But I am sure results here won’t be wonderful. My daughter is distraught. 2 years ago she took an overdose. So good exam results, or lack of them, mean v little to me. My family are v academic. We feel sort of pressured by my side of the family and my friends about results. My daughter can probably repeat if things don’t go well. I’m ok about it. AIBU to tell everyone to back off.

OP posts:
MintyGreenDream · 11/08/2021 23:01

Celebrate your daughter and how proud you are of her

cadburyegg · 11/08/2021 23:02

Oh also, it’s worth mentioning her plans post GCSEs if she has any, I often used the phrase that “I’ve got what I needed to go to XX sixth form”

DariaMorgendorffer · 11/08/2021 23:02

So many fantastic answers already, but I just wanted to say well done to your dd op. Sounds like she has been through so much and come so far to complete her exams. What an accomplishment. And clearly done with the support of a brilliant mum Thanks

Original poster
SVlover · 11/08/2021 23:05

@cadburyegg

I agree with the standard responses above of how proud you are and she’s worked hard.

I got 2 As, 2 Bs, 3 Cs and 2 Ds in my GCSEs but many of my friends got straight As so I often felt inadequate. Nonetheless I’ve always been grateful that my parents were proud of what I did get. I had had a difficult couple of years with self harming and my mum in particular was less fussed about academia as a result. You sound lovely Smile

Thanks. I trust and hope you are well and happy now. Xxx
OP posts:
Original poster
SVlover · 11/08/2021 23:05

@MintyGreenDream

Celebrate your daughter and how proud you are of her
Indeed. She’s a lovely girl.
OP posts:
JulesCobb · 11/08/2021 23:05

@neamchimpsky

If asked directly for grades I think is go with a wide smile and "why on earth would you need to know that? She's brilliant, and we're proud of her". And don't forget that just because someone asks a question doesn't mean you need to answer it.
I love this.
3scape · 11/08/2021 23:08

I did celebrating when the exams were done for all of my child's hard work. I don't put a focus on the results at all. When someone asked "So, how did they do?" I responded to say how proud we were of their commitment, how they did themselves proud and worked hard" only one person was weird enough to push for actual marks and I asked if they wanted to give her a job.
I'd not share results that someone else had worked for! What awful parents would be declaring that everywhere?!

JudgeJ · 11/08/2021 23:10

@Kithic

Your stock reply: I'm very proud of her
'She doesn't think it's appropriate to be smug about results after the difficult time they've all experienced'.
LimitIsUp · 11/08/2021 23:10

"only one person was weird enough to push for actual marks and I asked if they wanted to give her a job"

Oh, I do like that Grin

tolerable · 11/08/2021 23:10

my dad gave my big sis £50 per "A" result.(they all were) the truth is,i was probably never really made aware of this until i heard her dispute that he handed me the same (per result,not all A).he told her,mind your business,it wasnt ever an incentive, i "treated"you both for trying your best. Thats how it works

Nettleskeins · 11/08/2021 23:14

My stock response with ds1 (not very stellar GCSEs) was..."he is very happy because he has got what he needed to get into Sixth Form to do X course.
This was what DS himself felt...it was a hurdle to get over to get to the next stage, not results themselves that mattered much

Ds2 and DD did much better and I was overjoyed for them but I think his approach was also quite sanguine and I use it to this day ..what do you "need" for X rather than frills and furlebows.
Passes are a passport to the next stage, A*s lovely to have but not essential. Anything you want to study, there is a way to get there eventually regardless of GCSEs.

Plumtree391 · 11/08/2021 23:16

I agree 100% with SVlover.

flotsomandjetsome · 11/08/2021 23:21

I used 'thanks for asking, yes she got the grades she wanted and is really happy'

I think it's appropriate whatever the results, even the kids that do well need to be mindful that maybe not everyone else did.

Original poster
SVlover · 11/08/2021 23:24

@cadburyegg

Oh also, it’s worth mentioning her plans post GCSEs if she has any, I often used the phrase that “I’ve got what I needed to go to XX sixth form”
Thanks x
OP posts:
Original poster
SVlover · 11/08/2021 23:25

@Nettleskeins

My stock response with ds1 (not very stellar GCSEs) was..."he is very happy because he has got what he needed to get into Sixth Form to do X course. This was what DS himself felt...it was a hurdle to get over to get to the next stage, not results themselves that mattered much

Ds2 and DD did much better and I was overjoyed for them but I think his approach was also quite sanguine and I use it to this day ..what do you "need" for X rather than frills and furlebows.
Passes are a passport to the next stage, A*s lovely to have but not essential. Anything you want to study, there is a way to get there eventually regardless of GCSEs.

Thanks
OP posts:
Babysharkdoodoodood · 11/08/2021 23:26

My son has SEN and he didn't get any GCSEs. He's 21 now and has finally got his Maths and a level 2 in animal care. He's now halfway through his level 3 diploma with overall grade of distinction for this year. Going for his English gcse for the 4th time this coming year. Took him a long time, but he's getting there and I'm not planning on pushing him out the best anytime soon. So, so proud!

I only got a handful of o levels and failed my a levels. Now I've got a 1st class hons in International business management and a sprinkling of post grad quals. Could not be arsed to complete the MSc as thesis in lockdown was sucking big time. And I finally got a dyslexia/dyspraxia/ADD diagnosis; which sort of explains the suckiness of my academic life 😂
Still managed to teach for 10 years though.

If education was down to me, I wouldn't let kids do uni until they have a few years of work under their belts as they're still so young to be making huge decisions. I'd probably ban exams as well as they are so fecking stressful!

If anyone starts boasting about their kids grades, just reiterate how proud you are of your daughter, regardless of her academic status.

Original poster
SVlover · 11/08/2021 23:29

@SVlover

I have a lovely daughter who just doesn’t do so well in exams. I have lovely friends who have A star exam performing daughters. And in-laws with daughters who are outstanding from an academic point of view. My friends. Tomorrow….They all want to celebrate!!! But I am sure results here won’t be wonderful. My daughter is distraught. 2 years ago she took an overdose. So good exam results, or lack of them, mean v little to me. My family are v academic. We feel sort of pressured by my side of the family and my friends about results. My daughter can probably repeat if things don’t go well. I’m ok about it. AIBU to tell everyone to back off.
Update. She’s in her room crying and eating her nails. I want her to sleep with me (and the wee cat and wee dog) but seems like she won’t. DD is trying to be supportive as us my son it’s tough. She just want to be alone but texts me that she is a ‘disappointment’
OP posts:
adeleh · 11/08/2021 23:32

Oh God, I’ve had this. I mix with friends who just know in a very calm way that their kids will get straight As. A disaster for them is an A instead of an A star. My kids both have SEN and it’s a struggle. They are really bright, but can’t do exams. I’m afraid I do now FB brag about DS1, partly as a corrective to all the people who wrote him off as thick, or, at best, tilted their head sympathetically when asking about him.
You sound like a lovely Mum, OP, and your daughter will always remember that you had her back over this. That matters more than anything else.

Quitelikeacatslife · 11/08/2021 23:33

Perhaps say "aren't they all wonderful, they've had so much to cope with" I know some people who say "totally smashed it, so proud"
My friend said "so proud of this wonderful hooman " thought that was cute.
We've got results day tomorrow too, DD already knows we are proud of her whatever and nothing is not fixable if it needs to be fixed.
Social media is so icky, it's like the Mother's Day posts, not thinking it's not easy for everyone

adeleh · 11/08/2021 23:33

Oh, I’ve just read your last post. Your poor girl. She could never be a disappointment. God our young people have had a tough time. Sending love xxx

MrsMoastyToasty · 11/08/2021 23:34

Ask them if they also want to know what O'levels or CSEs you and DH got over 30 years ago.

Original poster
SVlover · 11/08/2021 23:35

@3scape

I did celebrating when the exams were done for all of my child's hard work. I don't put a focus on the results at all. When someone asked "So, how did they do?" I responded to say how proud we were of their commitment, how they did themselves proud and worked hard" only one person was weird enough to push for actual marks and I asked if they wanted to give her a job. I'd not share results that someone else had worked for! What awful parents would be declaring that everywhere?!
Thanks x
OP posts:
Original poster
SVlover · 11/08/2021 23:37

@Babysharkdoodoodood

My son has SEN and he didn't get any GCSEs. He's 21 now and has finally got his Maths and a level 2 in animal care. He's now halfway through his level 3 diploma with overall grade of distinction for this year. Going for his English gcse for the 4th time this coming year. Took him a long time, but he's getting there and I'm not planning on pushing him out the best anytime soon. So, so proud!

I only got a handful of o levels and failed my a levels. Now I've got a 1st class hons in International business management and a sprinkling of post grad quals. Could not be arsed to complete the MSc as thesis in lockdown was sucking big time. And I finally got a dyslexia/dyspraxia/ADD diagnosis; which sort of explains the suckiness of my academic life 😂
Still managed to teach for 10 years though.

If education was down to me, I wouldn't let kids do uni until they have a few years of work under their belts as they're still so young to be making huge decisions. I'd probably ban exams as well as they are so fecking stressful!

If anyone starts boasting about their kids grades, just reiterate how proud you are of your daughter, regardless of her academic status.

Your son is amazing. Thanks for commenting. X
OP posts:
LitCrit · 11/08/2021 23:38

If someone rudely asks for grades:
Im, I’m assuming you don’t want a list of her actual grades because that would be .. really weird haha wouldn’t it - but she did fantastically given the challenges she’s faced /she’s very chufffed to have got what she needed for [next step]
I’m in a similar situation OP and tbh the less pressure she puts herself under the happier I will be. I’ve learned a lot over the last few years about how toxic expectations can become to bright children who are constantly hearing about their potential.

Pantsomime · 11/08/2021 23:38

Our poor teenagers have had so much pressure to deal with, particularly their mental health and resilience, also hats off to their parents. Say you are celebrating all the hard work and how proud you are, the results are what is needed for the next stage and her plans, you could elaborate on the plans she has then swoop straight back to turning the question on the person who asked about their dcs