GCSE hell. What can I say to get them to back off

[SVlover]

I have a lovely daughter who just doesn’t do so well in exams. I have lovely friends who have A star exam performing daughters. And in-laws with daughters who are outstanding from an academic point of view. My friends. Tomorrow….They all want to celebrate!!! But I am sure results here won’t be wonderful. My daughter is distraught. 2 years ago she took an overdose. So good exam results, or lack of them, mean v little to me. My family are v academic. We feel sort of pressured by my side of the family and my friends about results. My daughter can probably repeat if things don’t go well. I’m ok about it. AIBU to tell everyone to back off.

Thinking of your lovely daughter xx

@adeleh

Oh God, I’ve had this. I mix with friends who just know in a very calm way that their kids will get straight As. A disaster for them is an A instead of an A star. My kids both have SEN and it’s a struggle. They are really bright, but can’t do exams. I’m afraid I do now FB brag about DS1, partly as a corrective to all the people who wrote him off as thick, or, at best, tilted their head sympathetically when asking about him. You sound like a lovely Mum, OP, and your daughter will always remember that you had her back over this. That matters more than anything else.

Oh thanks so much for this. Yes I hear ya on the a grade not a star thing!’ It’s tough. Xxx

I can't believe how tacky people are, asking about peoples' kids' grades! Surely if you don't ask them they won't force their grades on you? Agree with pp, and used very similar with my son's recent A levels results. We're so proud of him, he achieved what he needed for university. Beyond that is either weirdly nosey or a prelude to a big fat boast!

@adeleh

Oh, I’ve just read your last post. Your poor girl. She could never be a disappointment. God our young people have had a tough time. Sending love xxx

Yes it’s been tough. X

@VonHerrBurton

I can't believe how tacky people are, asking about peoples' kids' grades! Surely if you don't ask them they won't force their grades on you? Agree with pp, and used very similar with my son's recent A levels results. We're so proud of him, he achieved what he needed for university. Beyond that is either weirdly nosey or a prelude to a big fat boast!

Thanks. It’s all a bit crap. X

@WorkingItOutAsIGo

Her grades are her private information for her to share if she wants. But I can tell you I am so proud of her and how she has done.

And repeat.

This. And it applies to everyone. I have never been able to fathom why any parent thinks it's OK to publicise their DC's exam results.

@svlover
Ive just seen your update

You sound like a wonderful mum. My LOs are only young at the moment but I'll always remember my parents being so proud of me and my sister.

If it is any consolation to you and your DD, I did OK in exams but was constantly knocked down by teachers and family members who believed themselves better, and this sent me into quite a slump. Today I have a very well paid job in something that I absolutely love doing and would not wish myself to go back and do better. If anything it made me more determined to prove that grades aren't everything.

If I have not responded to anyone here thanks so much for all your incredible support!!! Really appreciate it xxx

I really hope you tell them where to stick it-results/academics mean bugger all if you have the threat of mental health destabilising everything-I call it the foundation of sand-its the biggest threat to our youth.Look to Finland/JohnDewey if you need a guide on why kids need to focus on what works for them.. I work as a mental health professional&spent my time inUK with an educational charity for disengeged teens.I also speak as a mum of2teens, both of whom had an unusual upbringing&didnt actually do any"proper"school(as the general pop. views suchlike) as in classroom study until they were 11/12..i travelled and they did a very informal home ed-based purely around anything they showed an interest/aptitude in. Both were very different but keen readers and I taught them to read&write-then they got laptops and started the typesy program&began a language through duolingo.I speak French and Spanish so I helped with this too. Despite the fact i was running a successful business as a single parent&my kids growing up on boats&inAsia/Australasi(&having the time of their lives)the stick i got from people i knew was ludicrous..from how it would traumatise them&damage them psychologically&be life-limiting,educationally🤣 My dd won an academic scholarship&my son is doing theIB at another school-both work too and are often commended for their maturity&self -direction..The real difference is mine actually had pretty stress free childhood&now have the wont to learn rather than being spent&burnt out with it all at15.
Im not convinced academic results count for much if the person isnt thriving within themselves&has a sense of purpose&aim..whatever that looks like.
Good luck with your impending few days.

I love @3scaoe’s idea of saying ‘we already celebrated at the end of the exams actually - we like to try and celebrate the bottle and hard work, you know, rather than things she has less control over.’

Sorry - you can tell I’m practicing 😁

When they ask for grades declare she did brilliantly in all and so proud of her determination.

End of conversation..

And get yourselves away from family /friends and out of mobile signal range for the day and evening so your daughter does not have to listen it to it.

OP could you let DD read these posts, what she does on the future is more important than tomorrow, but they are all I n that bubble and won’t be able to see that yet

If it's any help dd had a breakdown over her potential results over the weekend. She gets good grades in coursework but goes to pieces in exams and said she did rubbish in all her tests and will be lucky to pass.
With ds1 he got great grades which allowed him to study a levels.
Ds2 grades not so bothered but he had selected a level/ btech courses that didn't need high grades and in the end his life changed direction drastically.

My thinking is that they only need the grades that allow them to move forward with their options so I said to people that asked that they did really well, got what they needed for next stage and we were so proud of them for the effort they put in and we were excited for the next stage of their journey.
Thats what I'll be saying for dd as well.

My Dd3 has had a huge wobble tonight. Dd2 got 3 A☆'s in her A levels yesterday, so both she and I know that there are going to be a lot of people asking tomorrow.

Truth is they're very different girls and there's absolutely no way on earth dd3 is going to get anywhere near those results...but I couldn't be prouder of her anyway.

Tomorrow we're going out (just the two of us, I've declined group invitations) and we're going to celebrate it all being over and her being a fabulous person.

I've told her the day they do exams in being kind, funny, thoughtful and great company then I'd be most concerned if she didn't get top marks, but as it stands English, history etc are only a snapshot of who she and she really couldn't be more loved.

Practise saying “I’m incredibly proud. I’ve a very special daughter “.

It could be worse. I'm currently on holiday with my very average 16y old and his less average mate whose parents keep going on about all the celebrating were going to do tommorow, meet by the pool at 9 to share results etc.

It's crass really, people should realise that not everyone is in the same boat. I said to my 16y old, share with us and if you want to say you're wanting until we get home on Saturday then that's fine.

@LitCrit

If someone rudely asks for grades: Im, I’m assuming you don’t want a list of her actual grades because that would be .. really weird haha wouldn’t it - but she did fantastically given the challenges she’s faced /she’s very chufffed to have got what she needed for [next step] I’m in a similar situation OP and tbh the less pressure she puts herself under the happier I will be. I’ve learned a lot over the last few years about how toxic expectations can become to bright children who are constantly hearing about their potential.

Thanks. X love the advice

I have twins

One is A* good all rounder (sorry)

The other likely to scrape D’s and E’s if not fail completely - learning disability

I have no idea which way to manage either!!

On one hand - we’ll done brilliant - on the other worked hard and tried their best.

Dreading it!

I used to get really stressed in exams and not perform well it really is awful.

As I am older now I have discovered a few things in life that I would like you to share with her. I have known several people who didn’t do all that well in exams that went on to have and run successful businesses. The man across the Green from us is a self made millionaire. He once told me he didn’t do well at school.

I was a Governor at a Primary and had to search through applications for a new Headteacher twice. I discovered that lots of good Headteachers didn’t do all that well in their GCSEs some getting E&Fs in some subjects. I was surprised at this but thought it just shows you what can be achieved later on.

I hope she is happy with her results but it isn’t the end of the world although it might feel like it. It is difficult when others are very academic. DDs partner is clever but his sister is a genius, living in her shadow has been hard but he is the nicer person. Good luck😀

If its what your daughter needs tell them to back off. Switch of all phones unplug any landlines if you have one. Go zero communication until she is ready. Ask your daughter how she wants you to handle it and make it clear you fully support her wishes. If she's proud of her results after all she's been through celebrate them her way and if she wants space make sure she has it.

Oh OP I just read your post about being a disappointment. Poor bloody girl. Maybe an explicit statement from you that you value her courage and strength and resilience in the face of real difficulty more than anything else in the world and you could not give less of a toss about her grades. And that she will Laugh in a few years about all this bloody fuss about GCSEs. That’s she more special than she can possibly know to you.

Oh god OP, I am so with you. I already know DS utterly ploughed his GCSEs & if he passes even a single subject I will be chestpumpingly proud of him. But I am 100 times more proud of him for being sweet, gentle, sensitive, hilarious, and such a lovely, easy person to be around.

'How did they get on with their results? Oh, really well. I'm very proud of them.' is all I'm planning to say to anyone who is keeping a scorecard. This cohort of Yr11s have been through absolute hell, so even just coming out the other side is amazing.

You sound like a lovely, thoughtful mum.

"I'm really proud of everything she has achieved" or one of the many good suggestions from PPs are all you need to say.

But please do encourage your DD to celebrate with you, whatever her results. It sounds like she has so many achievements to celebrate tomorrow - her hard work, her resilience in getting through this school year and moving on to the next stage in her life, as well as being a lovely person, although that is a constant that should be celebrated all the time Encourage her to see the positives and not dwell on any disappointing results.

@Tickledtrout What a fantastic bunch of young adults we have, the op’s daughter is waiting for her GSCE results not A levels.

My kids aren't at that stage yet but one of them I can see already will struggle with exams even though he's a very intelligent child. I saw this before and it really resonated with me.