GCSE hell. What can I say to get them to back off

[SVlover]

I have a lovely daughter who just doesn’t do so well in exams. I have lovely friends who have A star exam performing daughters. And in-laws with daughters who are outstanding from an academic point of view. My friends. Tomorrow….They all want to celebrate!!! But I am sure results here won’t be wonderful. My daughter is distraught. 2 years ago she took an overdose. So good exam results, or lack of them, mean v little to me. My family are v academic. We feel sort of pressured by my side of the family and my friends about results. My daughter can probably repeat if things don’t go well. I’m ok about it. AIBU to tell everyone to back off.

Hope today goes well

If anyone asks “she did fantastically and we’re very proud of her”

My DD has missed a lot of school due to poor physical and mental health. She's just going to be starting her GCSE exams. I tell her the same as I intend to tell my other children- as long as you try your best, you will have the best grades. Maybe not the highest, but the best for your personal circumstances, and nobody has the right to expect anything higher or to express anything except pride in your achievement. There is far more to be learnt in these teen years and young adult years than how to pass exams.

@Natty13

I come from an academic family and suffered a lot with severe depression at the time of my exams. My parents told me repeatedly that as long as I had done my best, whatever that meant, that's all that mattered.

My dad told his parents once something lile as long as I was here every day (as kn keep on choosing to live) they would be proud of me and nothing like grades would ever match that pride in how I got through every day while depressed.

Both of those things helped tbh because it didn't matter what pressures I felt from elsewhere, my parents were a rock to lean on and it felt like the 3 of us were a team.

Thanks.

You’ve got to pull on your big girl pants for this and stand firm, protecting her from the ridiculousness. Repeat that you’re proud of her no.matter.what before she gets results, during, after and all the rest of the day. Repeat how proud of her you are - constantly, to anyone who comes close. Get in and out of school as quickly as you can (if you have to go). Then, I would be extreme (given your DDs distress) and suggest to her you both go NC for the day (phones away) and either go out somewhere not too local or stay at home but do something a bit different.

Also, if your daughter wants to talk things through, tell her there are more ways than exams to wherever she wants to go in life. The race is only with herself, no one else matters a jot, and the whole education system is HUGELY ridiculously biased towards children who can ‘perform’ in exams. They are no test of common sense, emotional intelligence, reasoning etc. Lots of luck 💐

I’m not sure if not stating her results helps tbh (if people ask directly) She gets what she gets, I wouldn’t be ashamed either. So what she gets all c’s , you are still proud of her. I’d own it, I wouldn’t want my DD to think I’m avoiding people knowing how she did doesn’t it just increase shame? I’d just say “all c’s, she’s worked hard we are very proud”.

My family are very nosey about results and how kids did and it is pressuring, my in-laws kids haven’t done as well in exams and I have a lot more regard for them, they will happily state x got 2b’s and 1c, he did great. They are teaching their kids to be proud of effort not outcome.

@FuckingFabulous

My DD has missed a lot of school due to poor physical and mental health. She's just going to be starting her GCSE exams. I tell her the same as I intend to tell my other children- as long as you try your best, you will have the best grades. Maybe not the highest, but the best for your personal circumstances, and nobody has the right to expect anything higher or to express anything except pride in your achievement. There is far more to be learnt in these teen years and young adult years than how to pass exams.

Thanks x

@Upwherethebirdsfly

You’ve got to pull on your big girl pants for this and stand firm, protecting her from the ridiculousness. Repeat that you’re proud of her no.matter.what before she gets results, during, after and all the rest of the day. Repeat how proud of her you are - constantly, to anyone who comes close. Get in and out of school as quickly as you can (if you have to go). Then, I would be extreme (given your DDs distress) and suggest to her you both go NC for the day (phones away) and either go out somewhere not too local or stay at home but do something a bit different.

Also, if your daughter wants to talk things through, tell her there are more ways than exams to wherever she wants to go in life. The race is only with herself, no one else matters a jot, and the whole education system is HUGELY ridiculously biased towards children who can ‘perform’ in exams. They are no test of common sense, emotional intelligence, reasoning etc. Lots of luck 💐

Yes we have to go to the school. Collect an envelope. Be interviewed. All v daunting. Hence awake early. Thanks for the advice. X

Thanks

Thanks. X

Good point.

You know what makes me really sad, is that in the bigger scheme of things the results really don’t matter.

We’ve put several DC through school, college and university with varying results, and both achievements and at the time devastating failures.. They are all now settled in decent, rewarding jobs. DH earns well over 100k and doesn’t have a qualification to his name, no a single GCSE and I know many young high achievers that haven’t gone onto great or good things..

We all have different qualities, your DD will have them too as I’m sure you are well aware, and as long as she is healthy and happy the rest will follow.

💐 and congratulations 👏 to you both, whatever the result.

Thanks for the advice x

I'll take a chance and say everyone posting on here definitely does not think your DD is a disappointment and we are all so proud of her and we don't even know her.

I am awaiting my youngest child's results and dh has made me nervous.

I will never forget how the Sunday after Dds AQE results (and later her GCSES too) she was met at the door of church by several adults who asked her outright what she got. Not just how she did but wanted actual scores. Thankfully she was happy enough to answer them but I lost a lot of respect for them.

Ds will have GCSES next year and I know he will have the same from friends and neighbours. He is much more private and is likely just to say he did fine whether he had As or Es.

I have never and would never asked any child how they performed in an exam. No ones business but theirs and their parents.

Good luck to you - I found exam results very stressful but my parents were great about it. Very relaxed and a lot of we’re proud of you whatever.

I remember when I got my O-level results (in those days they were posted rather than collecting from school). I phoned my best friend to have a chat and her mum came on the phone to ask how I had done, told her my results and she said ‘I thought you would have done better than that’! I was reasonably academic but used to fall apart in exams. Lesson learnt, don’t have to tell people your grades. My parents were proud of me as I had done my best.

Lying awake worrying about DS’s results. Unfortunately he is like me and doesn’t always shine in tests/exams, but he has been amazing throughout these last few months and that is what really counts.

People can be awful! X

@TurquoiseBaubles

I suggest lying.

Simply look them in the eye and tell them she got 15 A*s (or whatever the highest grade is).

It flummoxes people, they don't know what to say .

Having seen three children through school there is no doubt that happiness is far, far more important than academic achievement and anyone who thinks otherwise is not worthy of consideration.

I love this! Great idea. X

Do you and DD have any plans for this morning after you collect results? Maybe breakfast or even just a coffee out where you can tell her how proud you are of her (not just academically but also the women she’s becoming).

It my DS results day too so I hear you. The thing is not every child is academic, not everybody needs to be an academic. I went to Uni for 4 years, my dbro is a plumber and out earns me many times over. The world is full of people who lead brilliant lives without top notch exam results. I hate the pressure put on our dc by the education system. My best friends DD also gets her results today, she has dyscalculia and knows her results are going to be low. She has suffered terribly with anxiety all through school feeling she is a failure, the school have failed her too by lack of support. This girl is a fantastic baker with a beautiful singing voice and loves animals....its a crap system!

I hate exams for this reason. It makes perfectly wonderful and intelligent children question themselves, compare themselves and berate themselves. I’m not looking forward to my DD doing hers because the pressure seems ridiculous.

If someone asks just say ‘what a strange question’ and leave

It's really rude to ask for exact grades. Obviously there will be people who don't want to share.

I would go for a more general "how did they do?" because then people can choose to share grades or to just say "really well/ not so good" etc.

If people ask them for exact grades/ scores and you don't want to share, just say "she did well and we're proud of her" or something vague.

Thinking of you and your DD today x

You've been given some fab responses here.

"She's done increasingly well considering. We're thrilled, and of course very proud of her."

If people push for exact grades say she doesn't want to share and you're respecting her privacy, while smiling and generally acting very, very pleased.