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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be very annoyed with DP & think this is very inappropriate?

232 replies

hayanomi · 11/08/2021 12:30

My son is 14, about to go into year 10. The other day, he told me he has a girlfriend and she's 16. So I'm obviously worried as she’ll be going to college!

His dad is also worried. DP knows we are both worried but I found out that he's given DS condoms. I spoke to DP and he said that he'll obviously be having sex with his girlfriend so he gave him some condoms! He's 14!! He says I'm overreacting and I should accept he's growing up.

Aibu to be very annoyed or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
camaleon · 11/08/2021 17:43

[quote BizzyIzzyfruitpie]@goodwinter

“ Your Role As A Parent
If you allow your child to have underage sex, for example by giving them condoms, you could, in theory, be prosecuted for aiding and abetting unlawful intercourse. But again this is very difficult to prosecute successfully, as everyone knows that if children want to have sex, they’re going to do it regardless of what you say or try to do.
Doctors are, however, bound by a duty of confidentiality. If your daughter goes to her GP and asks about contraception, whether she’s 12, 13, 14 or 15, she is entitled to do so and to have this kept confidential – the rationale being that if she is capable of making decisions about her own health then she is also entitled to the duty of confidentiality. However, there are always exceptions: if a doctor suspects that a child is being abused, they are legally obliged to protect them from abuse and the duty of confidentiality could be overridden.

Law And Parents is sponsored by Purely Energy, who have funded a lot of our content. If you are looking for a low cost business energy supplier, take a look at their website.[/quote]
Please read the NHS advice on this. Every under 16 has access to free condoms or they can buy them in the pharmacy. Do not go around feeding non-sense to your children.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/male-condoms/

Walkaround · 11/08/2021 17:44

@camaleon - so you justify your standpoint on the basis of what you have done and thought in your own life, as though you are every human that ever existed, but you accuse me of making my own feelings and experiences up. Yes, I think that sums you up alright!

camaleon · 11/08/2021 17:47

[quote Walkaround]@camaleon - so you justify your standpoint on the basis of what you have done and thought in your own life, as though you are every human that ever existed, but you accuse me of making my own feelings and experiences up. Yes, I think that sums you up alright![/quote]
Again, you are the one who came up with an example about why you, as a 16 year old, would go out with a 14 yo and what YOU would think about the condoms. It is (sorry to repeat) all in your mind.

I have said what I think, which is an opinion. I would be a bit worried about the age gap, but also happy my son has confided in me and would try to keep this communication open.

I don't think teens have sex depending on permission of parents in general. Having condoms or sexual education does not make you have sex.

camaleon · 11/08/2021 17:48

and for further clarification @Walkaround, I am not saying you make up your experiences (although I still think your way of thinking about sex with a 14 years old is creepy). I am saying you are projecting this to the situation explained here based on your experience and your own thoughts

LittleMysSister · 11/08/2021 17:49

I am so surprised to read so many comments of people who wouldn't even brooch the subject of sex with their teenage kids.

Even without a boyfriend/girlfriend chats about contraception should be had, ideally before it's a pressing issue, and I don't think giving a pack of condoms for them to keep hold of is encouraging them into sex unless it's paired with words to that effect.

I would much rather hand a teenage boy a pack of condoms that he may or may not even need currently than have him get somebody pregnant or end up with an STD.

Disrespected · 11/08/2021 17:51

I don't see the harm to be honest. He's not wrong in the fact they are likely to have sex. So wise decision.
If that was my ds and my dh did it (not his DF) neither myself nor his DF would mind.
At the end of the day my dh is good enough to put a roof over his head and support us all so he can be a part of decision making

Selok · 11/08/2021 17:51

He should have consulted with you and his dad at least before making that decision. His intentions may be good but he hasn't thought this through

Nicknacky · 11/08/2021 17:51

@BizzyIzzyfruitpie Your link doesn’t fully explain why there could be an offence. Look at the CPS guidance which is clearer.

It is not an offence to provide contraception for welfare reasons unless there is other circumstances which could constitute an offence.

goodwinter · 11/08/2021 17:52

[quote BizzyIzzyfruitpie]@goodwinter

“ Your Role As A Parent
If you allow your child to have underage sex, for example by giving them condoms, you could, in theory, be prosecuted for aiding and abetting unlawful intercourse. But again this is very difficult to prosecute successfully, as everyone knows that if children want to have sex, they’re going to do it regardless of what you say or try to do.
Doctors are, however, bound by a duty of confidentiality. If your daughter goes to her GP and asks about contraception, whether she’s 12, 13, 14 or 15, she is entitled to do so and to have this kept confidential – the rationale being that if she is capable of making decisions about her own health then she is also entitled to the duty of confidentiality. However, there are always exceptions: if a doctor suspects that a child is being abused, they are legally obliged to protect them from abuse and the duty of confidentiality could be overridden.

Law And Parents is sponsored by Purely Energy, who have funded a lot of our content. If you are looking for a low cost business energy supplier, take a look at their website.[/quote]
Section 14 Arranging and facilitating a child sex offence
A person must intentionally arrange or facilitate for himself or another something that he intends or believes would happen that would result in a commission of a child sex offence in any part of the world (sections 9-13).
There is a defence if the person arranges or facilitates something that although he believes might happen, he does not intend it to happen, and he acts for the protection of the child i.e. from sexually transmitted infection; physical safety; from becoming pregnant; or promoting the child's well-being by giving advice.

Directly from cps.gov.uk

Lulu1919 · 11/08/2021 17:55

@SheABitSpicyToday

I mean, most of my friends were having sex at 14 so I think it’s best her has them just incase.
Really ..... Most of my friends weren't ... Maybe I'm old ....52 ????
Walkaround · 11/08/2021 17:58

Also, @camaleon, I am not presuming anything. If the boy were given the condoms by his parents on the basis that they can’t stop him having underage sex, but if he does, would like him to at least wear a condom, that’s one thing and I think very sensible, but I would object to my child being given condoms, unsolicited, by someone unrelated to him because they thought he was obviously having sex with his girlfriend. As a 16-year old girl, I would just not have appreciated condoms being produced at all, because I didn’t want to be having sex at that age, but felt that this was maybe a bit immature, so was hoping to avoid being put in that situation in the first place.

Walkaround · 11/08/2021 18:03

If you read the OP, @camaleon, she specifically states her partner gave her ds condoms because he thinks the ds will “obviously be having sex.” That is what I object to. As the parent, I would most definitely want to be the one deciding how I phrase any conversation with my 14-year old about why I was giving them condoms! I would not be happy if someone else did this.

miltonj · 11/08/2021 18:13

[quote GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]@miltonj there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging that heterosexual sex is a different experience for a male and a female.

But I’d hope anyone would advise a boy or a girl to be safe.[/quote]
Completely agree with you. There is a difference of course, and we need to be willing to accept that. It's not exactly a double standard, because women and men are different.
However 14 is a child. And 16 is above the age of consent. It is strange of the girl to pursue this relationship.

Also, on another note. Just because we as teens may or may not have had sex at 14/15, doesn't mean we shouldn't protect our children from doing the same.

miltonj · 11/08/2021 18:20

Oh and all the people saying that the police don't bother with under age sex convictions - they most certainly do. I used to work in PRUs and have seen this time after time with vulnerable kids, both complainants, and those in trouble for it. Both sides need protecting. If one party is over 16, it can have consequences. Even if one party is under 16, if the other is 12 or under. It's incredibly serious.

Backwaterjunction · 11/08/2021 18:23

You said your do was worried but he’s took reasonable action on the basis that they may have sex but at the same time I guess your both advising them against it.

This is a grown up attitude, as for the person quoting that they could be prosecuted for aid them, your do is clearly doing everything he can to prevent a difficult situation.

And as for the person talking about age difference, well although one is technically over age of convent and one is a child there could be far less that 100 weeks between there ages, also and I know this from experience (not me) if less that 4 years and both parties say they consent nothing can be done legally even if one is under age.

Treacletoots · 11/08/2021 18:29

We all knew very well from the age of 13-14 that you could get free condoms (and the pill) from the sexual health clinic every Saturday morning. So dont be mad at your DP. Your DS can get hold of condoms if he so wishes...

Original poster
hayanomi · 11/08/2021 18:47

My ex knows, as DS told him and ex isn't happy either, as DS told him DP made him feel uncomfortable. DS is very immature and he doesn't look older either.

OP posts:
MaMelon · 11/08/2021 18:55

Sounds like your DP was desperate to have the man to man conversation and jumped in without being sensitive to the situation. It’s really for you snd/or your ex to introduce condoms as part of a wider conversation about consent/healthy relationships/body autonomy/the law, taking your DSs personality and maturity into account. You know him best.

toocold54 · 11/08/2021 19:04

Obviously when you’re young you often don’t take things like contraception seriously. But there are also many young girls who feel like they want a baby.
I guess it’s the rise of hormones in puberty that kicks in their maternity instincts. Most girls don’t act upon it but there may be some that do.
So it’s very important that your son makes sure he doesn’t get into this situation until he’s absolutely ready for it.

Too many threads on here are about men who don’t want a child but don’t bother to put a condom on.
These come from the boys who’ve not been taught from an early age BEFORE they start having sex to always have and use protection even if the girl is on contraception too.

Summerfun54321 · 11/08/2021 19:24

Your DP has done you a favour. If you wait to have these conversations until your DS is ready and old enough to be having sex then that’s too late. It needs to be BEFORE they’re ready, not after!

Summerfun54321 · 11/08/2021 19:25

Cross post!

Seesawmummadaw · 11/08/2021 20:11

@hayanomi

My ex knows, as DS told him and ex isn't happy either, as DS told him DP made him feel uncomfortable. DS is very immature and he doesn't look older either.
Ds feeling uncomfortable about it would have been good information at the start of the thread!
BizzyIzzyfruitpie · 11/08/2021 20:36

[quote Nicknacky]@BizzyIzzyfruitpie Your link doesn’t fully explain why there could be an offence. Look at the CPS guidance which is clearer.

It is not an offence to provide contraception for welfare reasons unless there is other circumstances which could constitute an offence.[/quote]
The offence is “aiding and abetting underage sex, for example giving them condoms”.

Of course it’s not an offence to provide contraception for welfare reasons.

Nicknacky · 11/08/2021 20:40

@BizzyIzzyfruitpie Good, so you retract your post where you said the op’s partner had committed an offence?