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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be very annoyed with DP & think this is very inappropriate?

232 replies

hayanomi · 11/08/2021 12:30

My son is 14, about to go into year 10. The other day, he told me he has a girlfriend and she's 16. So I'm obviously worried as she’ll be going to college!

His dad is also worried. DP knows we are both worried but I found out that he's given DS condoms. I spoke to DP and he said that he'll obviously be having sex with his girlfriend so he gave him some condoms! He's 14!! He says I'm overreacting and I should accept he's growing up.

Aibu to be very annoyed or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
blobby10 · 11/08/2021 12:55

I was horrified when my then 15 year old son told me they could go to the school nurse, say they were going to a party and would probably have sex, and they would be given a whole handful of condoms - no questions asked!

GreenTeaBlackCoffeeAndRedWine · 11/08/2021 12:55

Would you rather be a grandmother?

It's good that your son has an adult he can talk to, sometimes these conversations are hard to have with parents. I'd just be glad he'd spoken to someone he can trust.

ExpressDelivery · 11/08/2021 12:56

@miltonj

Imagine how different the replies would be if he was the 16 year old in this scenario.
I don't think they would. You'd counsel them both about the law and making good decisions, but you'd still make sure they were safe.
LST · 11/08/2021 12:57

My mum knew there was a possibility I was having or going to have sex when I was the same age and she took me to the gp for the pill and got me a pack of condoms.

It's a sensible approach. They'll do it regardless of if you approve or not

DoormatBob · 11/08/2021 12:57

How long has he been your DP (DS Stepdad)?

Sounds like he did the sensible thing whilst both parents buried their heads in the sand. May be more comfortable for DS coming from someone who isn't Mum/Dad.

MabelTheCow · 11/08/2021 12:57

If he’s going to have sex, better it’s safe sex. Ideally it would come with a discussion that 14 is too young to be having sex, but if you aren’t going to listen to that, at least be safe

goodwinter · 11/08/2021 12:58

@BeefSupreme

A 16-year-old having sex with a 14-year-old is illegal
....so? Is that going to stop them? Does illegality protect against pregnancy and disease?
newnortherner111 · 11/08/2021 12:58

DP should have discussed this with you first, even though it was with the best of motives.

Ninkanink · 11/08/2021 12:59

It’s good to be sensible with teenagers and sex/condoms.

CoralFish · 11/08/2021 12:59

Giving him condoms isn't going to make him have sex. I think it's great that he has them in a way that means neither you or his father had to do it, so you have not condoned it in any way. Probably would have been better if your partner spoke to you first though.

LST · 11/08/2021 12:59

@blobby10

I was horrified when my then 15 year old son told me they could go to the school nurse, say they were going to a party and would probably have sex, and they would be given a whole handful of condoms - no questions asked!
I don't get this. I wouldn't be horrified in the slightest. It was the same when I was 15?
fdgdfgdfgdfg · 11/08/2021 13:01

@blobby10

I was horrified when my then 15 year old son told me they could go to the school nurse, say they were going to a party and would probably have sex, and they would be given a whole handful of condoms - no questions asked!
Why does this horrify you?

Would you prefer that they went, said they were going to a party and would probably have sex, and then weren't given any condoms?

Absence of a condom is not going to stop teenagers having sex, it's just going to lead to stupid decisions like "Oh I'll just pull out, it'll be fine!"

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/08/2021 13:01

@miltonj there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging that heterosexual sex is a different experience for a male and a female.

But I’d hope anyone would advise a boy or a girl to be safe.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/08/2021 13:03

Also, in countries with better and more open sex education, teenage pregnancy rates are lower.

MotionActivatedDog · 11/08/2021 13:04

I’d rather my teen had condoms and didn’t need them than need condoms and not have them. Whoever provides him with them.

Ponoka7 · 11/08/2021 13:07

@BeefSupreme
"A 16-year-old having sex with a 14-year-old is illegal"

It isn't because both of them are minors and the age difference isn't enough for the CPS/Police to do anything. This will fizzle out and as said you wouldn't want a pregnancy. It's good that young men are being told and encouraged to use condoms.

Cuddlyrottweiler · 11/08/2021 13:10

You should have done it but if your partner saw you weren't going to then he's done everyone a favour.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 11/08/2021 13:10

Now flip this and imagine it's a 16 year old BOY and a 14 year old girl, I'm not sure we'd all be saying "Oh, here are some condoms because teens have sex so might as well be safe."

CarnationCat · 11/08/2021 13:12

He shouldn't have done it without telling you. But he was being sensible and looking out for your DS. Don't be in denial about sex. Maybe time to talk to your DS about safe sex.

Suzi888 · 11/08/2021 13:14

@Luannee

If teenagers are going to have sex then they will. You can't stop them.

Very sensible and realistic for DP to give him condoms.

^ this If he got her pregnant would you be ok with that? It’s a distinct possibility if they are having sex or messing around. It’s far from ideal to be sexually active at 14, but it’s hard to stop them. Your Dp should have asked you first admittedly!
YeOldeTrout · 11/08/2021 13:16

boys er, like to experiment with condoms and know how to put them on/off long before actual use for nominal purpose.

Good to make this possible.

Ninkanink · 11/08/2021 13:18

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

Now flip this and imagine it's a 16 year old BOY and a 14 year old girl, I'm not sure we'd all be saying "Oh, here are some condoms because teens have sex so might as well be safe."
Yes. I would.
ExpressDelivery · 11/08/2021 13:18

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

Now flip this and imagine it's a 16 year old BOY and a 14 year old girl, I'm not sure we'd all be saying "Oh, here are some condoms because teens have sex so might as well be safe."
So what would you do then? Ban them from having sex? Ban them from leaving the house?

Of course the condoms should come with a conversation, but they still need to have them, male or female. If I was the girl's mother I'd be talking to her about the pill too, whether 14 or 16, even though I'd be hoping it was unecessary.

xjox1983 · 11/08/2021 13:18

I think it's slightly over-stepping perhaps, but I'd prefer that my child had a trusted adult to speak to than no-one. It can be awkward having those conversations with parents.

THIS
my two step children 1 male 1 female come to me instead of parent its less embrassing and i hold no judgement

Ninkanink · 11/08/2021 13:19

And I have two daughters. So I’m not just talking rubbish.