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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be very annoyed with DP & think this is very inappropriate?

232 replies

hayanomi · 11/08/2021 12:30

My son is 14, about to go into year 10. The other day, he told me he has a girlfriend and she's 16. So I'm obviously worried as she’ll be going to college!

His dad is also worried. DP knows we are both worried but I found out that he's given DS condoms. I spoke to DP and he said that he'll obviously be having sex with his girlfriend so he gave him some condoms! He's 14!! He says I'm overreacting and I should accept he's growing up.

Aibu to be very annoyed or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
callmeadoctor · 11/08/2021 16:32

I am entitled to an opinion, as we all are. there really no need to get offended about my thoughts.

Nicknacky · 11/08/2021 16:34

@callmeadoctor And you honestly think that’s enough to stop a teen having sex? It goes without saying I will be teaching my teens that but I’m not naive enough to think they will not have sec under 16.

putthebinsout · 11/08/2021 16:36

He did tell you though. What could he have done differently? Said he'd have to check with you before giving him the condoms? It could have been too late then and how mortifying for the boy.

I think he stepped up where mum and dad didn't/couldn't/wouldn't and fair play to him for that.

You can't assume the girl is getting any guidance on contraception and judging by a lot of posts on MN her parents are likely to be burying their heads and doing nothing.

putthebinsout · 11/08/2021 16:37

@Amima

I agree it’s terrible. It needs impressing upon children that sex before 16 is a criminal offence. And if I found out they’d had sex I’d be calling the police.
Jesus wept
longwayoff · 11/08/2021 16:41

As we know, son having a little chat with mum about SEX will immediately result in his trying a knot in his willy until he's 16 and there's no chance at all that he'll stick his fingers in his ears and run away screaming 'stop speaking to me about SEX' mother'. Centuries of teenage pregnancies have proved the efficacy of this approach. Time for brooms and buckets of water. Just as effective.

callmeadoctor · 11/08/2021 16:43

[quote Nicknacky]@callmeadoctor And you honestly think that’s enough to stop a teen having sex? It goes without saying I will be teaching my teens that but I’m not naive enough to think they will not have sec under 16.[/quote]
Funnily enough I have spent years telling my daughter that all boys smell (that seems to have worked up till now, maybe thats a better approach for all of us Grin)

TheAverageUser · 11/08/2021 16:44

Are you annoyed because it wasn't his place as not a parent or because he gave them condoms at all?

camaleon · 11/08/2021 16:45

Do you believe that providing condoms will change one way or another how your son behaves on this? He may have found the whole situation very cringey or whatever.

This is really not an issue to get into a fight . He has a 'girlfriend'; he has enough trust on you to share this. Do not destroy it with drama over this.

BizzyIzzyfruitpie · 11/08/2021 16:47

These threads drive me mad. Only in mumsnet land are all young teens having sex 🙄. They’re not all at it. I think your DP is bang out of order. It’s like giving him the green light. I have a 14 and a 15 year old and neither are having sex or anywhere near that stage .

BastardMonkfish · 11/08/2021 16:48

How lucky for your son that he has someone sensible he can trust to look out for him. I'm sure DP didn't give him condoms and a high five telling him to go out and shag immediately? Just because he had the condoms in his possession doesn't mean he has to have sex but it's good that they're there if he does need them.

I've heard so many devastating stories about women's partners treating the women's children awfully lately that it has actually heartened me to read this thread.

AlternativePerspective · 11/08/2021 16:50

Actually statistically most children don’t have sex under age. In fact the average age for losing their virginity is now 19.

And a lot of adults now will tell you that they were telling all their mates they were having sex so they looked cool, whereas many definitely were not.

However, that doesn’t mean that no children ever have sex under age, or that if one is at the age of consent, sex isn’t more likely to happen.

I agree that people should talk to their children about sex and why having sex so young is not a good idea and is essentially wrong. Throwing the “it’s illegal” line at a 14 year old isn’t going to make a blind bit of difference, though, because he’s the one who is the minor, and therefore the law isn’t going to come after him.

But while I do think that parents should be having these discussions with their kids, they need to be having them in such a way as to not be seen to be militant about it, because the more you forbid something, the more likely it is that the kids are going to do it.

So it’s about reason rather than demand. In the same way we don’t want our kids to drink under age, and yet when they do we will hopefully be at least a bit supportive when they end up ill as a result.

BizzyIzzyfruitpie · 11/08/2021 16:51

@SirVixofVixHall - none of my friends were either. I have two young teens. My daughter has a big group of friends, all nearly 16. Only one is having sex. The others haven’t. My daughter told me just yesterday she quite likes a boy but she’s scared as she’s never kissed a boy x

camaleon · 11/08/2021 16:51

@BizzyIzzyfruitpie

These threads drive me mad. Only in mumsnet land are all young teens having sex 🙄. They’re not all at it. I think your DP is bang out of order. It’s like giving him the green light. I have a 14 and a 15 year old and neither are having sex or anywhere near that stage .
And you believe that giving them condoms would change that?
toocold54 · 11/08/2021 16:52

Education and teach them to respect their (underage) bodies I guess I would start with.

Ok so what would you do after that?
The boy has probably had this talk with his parents and school but he is still saying he is ready to have/carry on having sex.
What happens then? Because he’s going to do it still so you can either make sure he’s using protection and understands about consent etc or you could just bury your head in the sand and pretend he’s not doing it.

BizzyIzzyfruitpie · 11/08/2021 16:53

@hayanomi

My ex has spoken to DS about contraception and consent etc but didn't give him any condoms as DS has said he's only been in a relationship with his girlfriend for a few weeks.

Yes, me and DS have a good relationship.

Have you told your son’s dad?

My DH has sex at 14, he realises he was a child, has no idea what he was doing and he’s really ashamed to admit it. Byte girl was 16 also, it’s just so wrong.

goodwinter · 11/08/2021 16:55

@Amima

I agree it’s terrible. It needs impressing upon children that sex before 16 is a criminal offence. And if I found out they’d had sex I’d be calling the police.
When I was 14 I had sex with my 15yo boyfriend. I was on the pill, and found the courage to tell my mum I was sexually active. She flew off the handle threatened to call the police (and also emotionally blackmailed me by telling me she'd recently had to abort an unwanted pregnancy). One of many things that damaged my relationship with her at a vulnerable age.

Please, please, PLEASE do not do this to your child.

SmokedDuck · 11/08/2021 16:55

Um, this sounds like a bad idea. He's underage, is the girlfriend? She could be putting herself in a really bad situation if they did have sex, especially if she thinks his parents are ok with it.

BizzyIzzyfruitpie · 11/08/2021 16:55

@camaleon - it’s giving them the green light.

It’s actually illegal to give them to him. I doubt it would be prosecuted but it is illegal. 14 is a child FGS.

HappyStep1 · 11/08/2021 16:56

Stick this in step-parenting and change to my DP being a woman and everyone would be outraged by the over stepping/interference/pure arrogance of what your DP did.
You and your DS father make decisions like this, not, all be it possibly a trusted adult in your DS life.
DP needs to step back, he is not DS parent and had no right to make this judgement

camaleon · 11/08/2021 16:57

@BizzyIzzyfruitpie why is your husband 'ashamed'? Many people have had lots of sex experience at that age. I did not have sex with penetration until I was 19 with a boyfriend two years older with whom I had been dating for 2 years.

HOWEVER, I have done everything you can imagine and enjoy sex experiences a lot since the age of 14 (another boyfriend for 2 years). Part of all this conversation is the narrow view on sex and obsession with 'virginity'. Obviously it is a riskier practice in terms of pregnancy.

Sex education is not about providing condoms or 'permission'. It is laughable that you think teenagers will change their behaviour based on a parent or partner of a parent providing condoms

toocold54 · 11/08/2021 16:58

These threads drive me mad. Only in mumsnet land are all young teens having sex 🙄. They’re not all at it. I think your DP is bang out of order. It’s like giving him the green light. I have a 14 and a 15 year old and neither are having sex or anywhere near that stage

No one is saying that ALL teens are having sex but it’s ridiculous to be in complete denial about it. How is that helping anyone.
I can guarantee that your 14 and 15 year old talk about it with their friends and if they’re not doing anything sexual they’ll know someone who is.

I know kids who were banned from sex education as it ‘encouraged them to have sex’ which is BS as actually it does the opposite.
We need to teach young people that it’s ok to be open about it instead of them being worried that someone’s going to call the police on them! This is how they get taken advantage of as there’s no one they can talk to about things.

camaleon · 11/08/2021 16:59

[quote BizzyIzzyfruitpie]@camaleon - it’s giving them the green light.

It’s actually illegal to give them to him. I doubt it would be prosecuted but it is illegal. 14 is a child FGS.[/quote]
Of course it is not illegal! You know they use real condoms in sex education classes, don't you? Condoms are not Class A drugs. We cannot educate others from our own ignorance.

goodwinter · 11/08/2021 17:00

[quote BizzyIzzyfruitpie]@camaleon - it’s giving them the green light.

It’s actually illegal to give them to him. I doubt it would be prosecuted but it is illegal. 14 is a child FGS.[/quote]
Show me where giving under 16's condoms is illegal. GPs, schools and sexual health clinics all do it.

Purpleweeks · 11/08/2021 17:00

If rather give my teenager condoms than risk unwanted pregnancy or std.

Anotherbrokenairer · 11/08/2021 17:00

Does he look 15 and does she know how old he is. I know of someone who did this when he was 16 and she was mid twenties. She fell pregnant and when he told his parents it came to light how old she was and how old she thought he was. His parents were livid and made him tell her the truth.