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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be very annoyed with DP & think this is very inappropriate?

232 replies

hayanomi · 11/08/2021 12:30

My son is 14, about to go into year 10. The other day, he told me he has a girlfriend and she's 16. So I'm obviously worried as she’ll be going to college!

His dad is also worried. DP knows we are both worried but I found out that he's given DS condoms. I spoke to DP and he said that he'll obviously be having sex with his girlfriend so he gave him some condoms! He's 14!! He says I'm overreacting and I should accept he's growing up.

Aibu to be very annoyed or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
knobblykneesandturnedouttoes · 11/08/2021 17:01

Giving a teenager condoms is a very sensible thing to do.

But also please have conversations about consent, respect, and health, so your child is informed.

Or ask your partner to talk to them if you feel you cant.

thedancingbear · 11/08/2021 17:03

[quote BizzyIzzyfruitpie]@camaleon - it’s giving them the green light.

It’s actually illegal to give them to him. I doubt it would be prosecuted but it is illegal. 14 is a child FGS.[/quote]
No it's not.

Inventing facts like this is arseholery of the highest order. These are real people's lives you're commenting on.

toocold54 · 11/08/2021 17:04

For those who are against this - do you disagree with sex education or drugs talks in schools?

MissCruellaDeVil · 11/08/2021 17:04

I think your DP is being sensible, however I would be discouraging the relationship, what does an almost 17 year old want with a 14 year old?

camaleon · 11/08/2021 17:07

@MissCruellaDeVil

I think your DP is being sensible, however I would be discouraging the relationship, what does an almost 17 year old want with a 14 year old?
While I am not very sure what the mother can do here, this would be something that worries me more than the condom situation, which I am pretty sure your son found awkward at best.

Your son has trusted you with his new relationship. There is an age gap that may be significant at this age (or not) and I would try to keep our communication open and non judgmental instead of creating drama over something else.

Walkaround · 11/08/2021 17:09

It’s not remotely obvious they’ll be having sex. When I was 16, one of the attractions of a 14-year old boyfriend would have been not feeling pressurised to have sex, because he was too young. I would have been quite aggravated that an adult had given condoms to my boyfriend and made him think pressuring me for sex was practically an expectation, or “obvious.” If I’d actually wanted sex, I would have wanted to obtain condoms for myself, not relied on a 14 year old to produce them and out pressure on me to go further than I wanted to, anyway.

LittleMysSister · 11/08/2021 17:13

I don't think giving condoms is encouragement to have sex, it's just acknowledging the possibility that they might be needed.

They may not be having sex at all, but if it did happen wouldn't you rather he had a condom to use?

I'm sure DP didn't hand them over and say "Have fun!". It's just being realistic and cautious.

camaleon · 11/08/2021 17:14

@walkaround So if you had dated someone older is because you wanted sex? What kind of logic is this? According to your argument, it follows that the 14 years old is seeking what he presumes he can get from a 16 yo but not a 14 yo (I obviously don't think this; it is quite twisted to think this way).

If I give condoms to my daughter I will do it thinking of my daughter (I doubt it by the way; I will tell her how to get them not choose for her). It would never cross my mind to think what the boyfriend may think of it.

SirVixofVixHall · 11/08/2021 17:14

@Walkaround

It’s not remotely obvious they’ll be having sex. When I was 16, one of the attractions of a 14-year old boyfriend would have been not feeling pressurised to have sex, because he was too young. I would have been quite aggravated that an adult had given condoms to my boyfriend and made him think pressuring me for sex was practically an expectation, or “obvious.” If I’d actually wanted sex, I would have wanted to obtain condoms for myself, not relied on a 14 year old to produce them and out pressure on me to go further than I wanted to, anyway.
I agree with this.
LST · 11/08/2021 17:17

[quote BizzyIzzyfruitpie]@camaleon - it’s giving them the green light.

It’s actually illegal to give them to him. I doubt it would be prosecuted but it is illegal. 14 is a child FGS.[/quote]
Jesus Christ. How wrong can you get 🤣😂

SirVixofVixHall · 11/08/2021 17:18

14 is much too young to be having sex, and I feel that giving a 14 year old boy condoms surely just adds to the pressure lots of boys feel, that they should expect sex and be having sex as soon as they get a girlfriend.
Also surely someone old enough for sex is also old enough to buy their own condoms ?

Chikapu · 11/08/2021 17:20

@Walkaround

It’s not remotely obvious they’ll be having sex. When I was 16, one of the attractions of a 14-year old boyfriend would have been not feeling pressurised to have sex, because he was too young. I would have been quite aggravated that an adult had given condoms to my boyfriend and made him think pressuring me for sex was practically an expectation, or “obvious.” If I’d actually wanted sex, I would have wanted to obtain condoms for myself, not relied on a 14 year old to produce them and out pressure on me to go further than I wanted to, anyway.
How on earth does having condoms = pressuring someone into having sex?
ParistoLondon · 11/08/2021 17:20

All I want to know is why a nearly 17 year old girl wants to date and presumably have sex with a 14 y.o boy? Does she know how old he is? Is he very mature for his age? Does he look older? I'm genuinely baffled by this. 😂

thecognoscenti · 11/08/2021 17:25

Would you rather he gets her pregnant?

LittleMysSister · 11/08/2021 17:26

@SirVixofVixHall

14 is much too young to be having sex, and I feel that giving a 14 year old boy condoms surely just adds to the pressure lots of boys feel, that they should expect sex and be having sex as soon as they get a girlfriend. Also surely someone old enough for sex is also old enough to buy their own condoms ?
I disagree.

I think alongside a sensible conversation, giving condoms is fine. Ideally, they won't be having and they may very well not be, but they might be and at least they will have protection handy if they are.

Logically, yes someone old enough for sex would buy their own condoms but equally many teens would feel embarrassed to buy them, especially if they might need to ask at the counter for them. Not to mention they might not have the money handy when needed.

If they aren't ready, I don't think being given a pack of condoms will push them into it. If they are, then they need condoms.

LittleMysSister · 11/08/2021 17:27

*having sex

Walkaround · 11/08/2021 17:29

@camaleon - your post makes zero sense to me. If I was 16 and going out with a 14-year old, I would not have been happy if he had produced condoms and suggested we “go all the way,” as that was not something I was ready to do when I was 16. If he had also been 16 or 18, I would not have been surprised if he tried it on, hence the attraction that other people seem to find so odd, of a younger boy - less fear of unwanted pressure and more confidence that I could say no without being made to feel I was not being a “proper girlfriend.”

Horst · 11/08/2021 17:31

I mean surely it’s better for him to have free access to condoms even to practise putting on and off and what not.

Although I’m sure year 9’s get sent home with a full on bag of them from sex Ed. Different sizes/flavours lubes the lot.

Jux · 11/08/2021 17:32

I think it's incredibly sensible of your dp. Whether your ds uses the condoms, whether he needs them, is irrelevant. Your dp is making your ds consider a) protection and b) contraception. Your ds can now be responsible for his own contraception, something far too many men have managed not to do for years. Your dp has shown your ds that he has agency in that sphere.

I think especially as dp is the one who's been talking to ds about sex etc, then it's entirely appropriate that he's the one to do this. Maybe he should have mentioned it to you first, maybe he didn't need to. Regardless, he obviously has the sort of relationship with ds where he could.

I would be thanking him, not castigating him.

camaleon · 11/08/2021 17:34

[quote Walkaround]@camaleon - your post makes zero sense to me. If I was 16 and going out with a 14-year old, I would not have been happy if he had produced condoms and suggested we “go all the way,” as that was not something I was ready to do when I was 16. If he had also been 16 or 18, I would not have been surprised if he tried it on, hence the attraction that other people seem to find so odd, of a younger boy - less fear of unwanted pressure and more confidence that I could say no without being made to feel I was not being a “proper girlfriend.”[/quote]
yours make zero sense to me. It would never cross my mind to choose a boy according to my assessment of the probability that he has the intentions to have sex (I imagine sex means exclusively penetration here) with me.

Why would this guy show me the condoms provided by his parents/others? So yes...I cannot make sense at all either.

camaleon · 11/08/2021 17:36

It is actually quite creepy that you consider choosing a 14 years old as partner based on chances of not having 'full' sex.

Walkaround · 11/08/2021 17:36

@Chikapu - having condoms is not pressuring someone to have sex unless you produce them and expect it. The attitude that it’s “obvious” the pair will be having sex is what I object to. It is not remotely obvious that sex is what a 16-year old girl is dating a 14-year old boy for and if the boy was given that impression when given the condoms, I would not as a parent be particularly happy with the person who handed them over with that expectation!

Walkaround · 11/08/2021 17:37

@camaleon - it’s actually quite creepy you expect a child to think like an adult.

BizzyIzzyfruitpie · 11/08/2021 17:41

@goodwinter

“ Your Role As A Parent
If you allow your child to have underage sex, for example by giving them condoms, you could, in theory, be prosecuted for aiding and abetting unlawful intercourse. But again this is very difficult to prosecute successfully, as everyone knows that if children want to have sex, they’re going to do it regardless of what you say or try to do.
Doctors are, however, bound by a duty of confidentiality. If your daughter goes to her GP and asks about contraception, whether she’s 12, 13, 14 or 15, she is entitled to do so and to have this kept confidential – the rationale being that if she is capable of making decisions about her own health then she is also entitled to the duty of confidentiality. However, there are always exceptions: if a doctor suspects that a child is being abused, they are legally obliged to protect them from abuse and the duty of confidentiality could be overridden.

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camaleon · 11/08/2021 17:41

@walkaround. I can only talk for myself, but I have never ever chosen 'boyfriends' according to chances of been pressurized for sex. You are making this all up, presuming the intentions of a 16 years old (based on sex) girl and also presuming the boy will 'produce' the condoms expecting sex. It is all in your mind.