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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be very annoyed with DP & think this is very inappropriate?

232 replies

hayanomi · 11/08/2021 12:30

My son is 14, about to go into year 10. The other day, he told me he has a girlfriend and she's 16. So I'm obviously worried as she’ll be going to college!

His dad is also worried. DP knows we are both worried but I found out that he's given DS condoms. I spoke to DP and he said that he'll obviously be having sex with his girlfriend so he gave him some condoms! He's 14!! He says I'm overreacting and I should accept he's growing up.

Aibu to be very annoyed or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
LST · 11/08/2021 14:44

@callmeadoctor

once again Im gobsmacked by all the posters on here that think its perfectly fine for their kids to break the law!
No one has said it's perfectly fine fgs. The sensible poster know that if they want to have sex they will regardless and if they do they are making them as safe as possible
toocold54 · 11/08/2021 14:45

once again Im gobsmacked by all the posters on here that think its perfectly fine for their kids to break the law!

There’s a big difference between being ok with it and being in complete denial.

A lot of teens under 16 have sex.
Burying your head in the sand and acting like it’s not happening or worse being angry towards them is not only bad for things like STIs and pregnancies but it also means that they feel they can’t come to you if they feel they’re being abused or groomed as they’ll be more worried about being told off for wanting to have sex in the first place.

AlternativePerspective · 11/08/2021 14:53

once again Im gobsmacked by all the posters on here that think its perfectly fine for their kids to break the law! As opposed to the posters on here who think that because a child isn’t yet 16 they’re going to not have sex because they’re not old enough?

IMo 16 isn’t old enough to be mature enough to have sex either, nothing magical happens on the eve of their 16th birthday to suddenly make it so. It therefore stands to reason that under 16’s are going to have sex because they believe they’re old enough, and over 16’s will abstain from sex because they believe they’re not old enough.

Ironically it’s the 16 year old who needs impressing on that sex with an under 16 is illegal. The under 16 is too young to consent, apparently, so the 14 year old isn’t technically doing anything wrong, just potentially unwise.

So if he gets the opportunity to have sex then he may take that opportunity. Surely then it’s better to be safe when he does?

BobMortimersPetOwl · 11/08/2021 14:54

I'm with your DP, and would feel the same if it were a 14yr old girl and 16yr old boy.

You can hope and wish nothing would happen all day long, but its better that if they do decide to have sex, they're both protected.

lljkk · 11/08/2021 14:56

GobsmackedOfMN. There's a meme in this.

To be very annoyed with DP & think this is very inappropriate?
Greystray · 11/08/2021 14:56

Now flip this and imagine it's a 16 year old BOY and a 14 year old girl, I'm not sure we'd all be saying "Oh, here are some condoms because teens have sex so might as well be safe."

Well I hope we would... Sadly that's not an uncommon dynamic at all, in fact far more common than the other way around.

And I would far rather the girl's and/or boy's parents intervene to try and prevent pregnancy than pretend it wasn't happening.

BooomShakeTheRoom · 11/08/2021 14:58

100% they'll be having sex. I think he's right, although he should have discussed it with you.

WetBench · 11/08/2021 15:04

@blobby10

I was horrified when my then 15 year old son told me they could go to the school nurse, say they were going to a party and would probably have sex, and they would be given a whole handful of condoms - no questions asked!
Genuinely why? Giving them free access to condoms doesn’t make sex happen. It takes a lot for a teenager to go to the nurse and ask so the sex is going to happen anyway. What questions could they possible ask that would change the outcome? I’d say the school is a good one
Lweji · 11/08/2021 15:08

It's very doubtful that they'll be having sex just because he was given some condoms. It's always better to have them than not, so, I don't think your DP was unreasonable. Better than finding out that he girl got pregnant, or that DS got an STI.

As for having the girlfriend, I would find it odd with the age gap, but that is for you and his dad to deal with (or not).

AlternativePerspective · 11/08/2021 15:09

Now flip this and imagine it's a 16 year old BOY and a 14 year old girl, I'm not sure we'd all be saying "Oh, here are some condoms because teens have sex so might as well be safe." I would be giving condoms to the 14 year old whether she was a boy or a girl.

And to the 16 year old I would be delivering a conversation about how sex under the age of 16 is illegal so they need to think about that. And I would be having that discussion whether the 16 year old was a girl or a boy.

But equally I would be realistic that despite my lecture, if they’re going to have sex then they’re going to have sex.

Kithic · 11/08/2021 15:11

I'm with your DP on this one - much better for him to be prepared for safe sex than becoming a dad

AlternativePerspective · 11/08/2021 15:12

As for the posters who are outraged that the parents aren’t consulted, if it was a 14 year old girl and she fell pregnant she would be able to access a termination without her parents’ knowledge or consent.

Bearing that in mind, Condoms are a minor thing in the scheme of things.

MrsR87 · 11/08/2021 15:13

@callmeadoctor

once again Im gobsmacked by all the posters on here that think its perfectly fine for their kids to break the law!
I don’t think it’s fine for teenagers to break the law and would always try to encourage them to wait. However, I work with young people this age and so am under no illusion that this happens…all the time! In my opinion, far better that they are given the resources and environment to do it as safely as possible, rather than have adults trying to bury their head in the sand and pretend that if they don’t talk about it or have any condoms it won’t happen. It will…they just won’t be protected against STIs or pregnancy.

OP, I agree that he should have discussed it with you as you are the parent but I think he did the right thing in being proactive with the safe sex stuff.

MrsR87 · 11/08/2021 15:16

@blobby10

I was horrified when my then 15 year old son told me they could go to the school nurse, say they were going to a party and would probably have sex, and they would be given a whole handful of condoms - no questions asked!
I work in a school and I think many more parents would be horrified if the school had this knowledge and did nothing to encourage safe sex and the pupils ended up with STIs or becoming parents!
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/08/2021 15:17

At least one of you is taking to him about sex and contraception. Your DS obviously feels that he can't talk to you, and given your attitude here, I'm not surprised.

I think good on your DP.

Would you rather become a grandmother?

Viviennemary · 11/08/2021 15:27

This is absolutely awful. How dard he. Encouraging a 14 year old to have sex is a dreadful idea

Ninkanink · 11/08/2021 15:32

It’s not ‘encouraging a 14 year old to have sex’. 🙄🙄

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/08/2021 15:33

@Viviennemary how would you propose persuading a 14-year old NOT to have sex?

OP's DP is encouraging him to be responsible.

Nicknacky · 11/08/2021 15:34

@Viviennemary He’s not been encouraged. He just what he needs to be safe if he decides to have sex.

How would you stop teens having sex?

Coyoacan · 11/08/2021 15:35

I like your DP.

Blossomtoes · 11/08/2021 15:36

@Viviennemary

This is absolutely awful. How dard he. Encouraging a 14 year old to have sex is a dreadful idea
Nobody has.
eekbumbler · 11/08/2021 15:39

He's only doing something you should have done. It's nice that they are so close for him to be able to do so.

LST · 11/08/2021 15:40

@Viviennemary

This is absolutely awful. How dard he. Encouraging a 14 year old to have sex is a dreadful idea
He really isn't. Bloody hell. Lot's of pearl clutching going on here.
eekbumbler · 11/08/2021 15:40

Also they may just blow them up like balloons and be on the same level haha.

PieonaBarm · 11/08/2021 15:45

With regards to consent it's important he understands, get him to watch this, a nice simple way of explaining consent. Don't be too hard on your DP he's acted with the best of intentions.