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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be very annoyed with DP & think this is very inappropriate?

232 replies

hayanomi · 11/08/2021 12:30

My son is 14, about to go into year 10. The other day, he told me he has a girlfriend and she's 16. So I'm obviously worried as she’ll be going to college!

His dad is also worried. DP knows we are both worried but I found out that he's given DS condoms. I spoke to DP and he said that he'll obviously be having sex with his girlfriend so he gave him some condoms! He's 14!! He says I'm overreacting and I should accept he's growing up.

Aibu to be very annoyed or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Ghosttile · 11/08/2021 13:54

’It needs impressing upon children that sex before 16 is a criminal offence. And if I found out they’d had sex I’d be calling the police.’

Are you on crack? Seriously?

dontsaynothing · 11/08/2021 13:55

He's 14, why haven't you had a chat with him yourself and given him some condoms if you know he has a girlfriend?

My friends and I all started having sex when we were 13-15 years old, it's unfortunately very common.

ExpressDelivery · 11/08/2021 13:57

@Amima

I agree it’s terrible. It needs impressing upon children that sex before 16 is a criminal offence. And if I found out they’d had sex I’d be calling the police.
And what do you think the police would do? Grin They've actually been given specific guidance not to follow up these cases where underage sex involves two adolescents.
BettyBakesBuns · 11/08/2021 13:58

[quote Ponoka7]@BeefSupreme
"A 16-year-old having sex with a 14-year-old is illegal"

It isn't because both of them are minors and the age difference isn't enough for the CPS/Police to do anything. This will fizzle out and as said you wouldn't want a pregnancy. It's good that young men are being told and encouraged to use condoms.[/quote]
Wrong, the 16 year old is not a minor.

From the NHS website : "It is a criminal offence for anyone who is 16 or older to have any kind of sexual contact with someone aged 13, 14 or 15. It is also a criminal offence for both girls and boys aged 13, 14 and 15 to have consensual sex with anyone else aged 13, 14 or 15."

A 16 year old cannot have consensual sex with a 14 year old, it's statutory rape.

Amima · 11/08/2021 13:59

They've actually been given specific guidance not to follow up these cases where underage sex involves two adolescents.
The girl isn’t under age. She’s an adult who has raped a child.

ExpressDelivery · 11/08/2021 14:01

@Amima

They've actually been given specific guidance not to follow up these cases where underage sex involves two adolescents. The girl isn’t under age. She’s an adult who has raped a child.
Maybe so, but it's still never going to court.
girlmom21 · 11/08/2021 14:01

Neither of his parents have given him contraception despite having 'the talk' and knowing he has a girlfriend. Her age isn't even relevant in terms of contraception.

Your DP is the only one actively encouraging him to take responsibility for his own sexual health. He's the one in the right here.

Vegeetas · 11/08/2021 14:02

Cards on the table, I was a 14 year old boy once and honestly, your partner did a good thing here.

A non directly related voice of reason is a good thing.

Grimacingfrog · 11/08/2021 14:03

www.askthe.police.uk/content/Q130.htm

The police are only interested in this kind of relationship if there is any abuse or coercion, which is not the case here. So people should calm down a bit about calling the police. All this would do is upset your son.

I understand your concern but this is about communication with your son, not about getting angry with your DP who is being pragmatic.

grapewine · 11/08/2021 14:05

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

It wasn't great that he gave him condoms without telling you but if you think that denial is the best approach to teenage sex lives then he probably did you a favour.
Pretty much, yeah. DP seems sensible on this issue.
Nicknacky · 11/08/2021 14:13

@BettyBakesBuns It’s not statutory rape at all. What does that always get said on these types of threads?

@Amima It’s not rape.

Chikapu · 11/08/2021 14:16

@Amima

I agree it’s terrible. It needs impressing upon children that sex before 16 is a criminal offence. And if I found out they’d had sex I’d be calling the police.
You'd call the police on your own child if you found out they had sex? To what end and how would you expect any kind of relationship with the said child after that?
Blossomtoes · 11/08/2021 14:18

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

It wasn't great that he gave him condoms without telling you but if you think that denial is the best approach to teenage sex lives then he probably did you a favour.
This.
Thesheerrelief · 11/08/2021 14:26

Giving him condoms does not = them definitely having sex

Not giving him condoms doesn't = them not having sex

It's a sensible thing to do.

EarringsandLipstick · 11/08/2021 14:30

@longwayoff

Better a condom than an STD. Your son will behave like a young man. That is not necessarily the same behaviour you would like.
What low expectations you hold for a 14 yo

He's not a young man. He's a child. Legally, emotionally, physically, regardless of the changes in his body.

A 14 yo should not be behaving like a man. That's the point & it's the role of parents to establish those boundaries & guide their child.

toocold54 · 11/08/2021 14:33

You are overreacting. Just because the age of consent is 16 doesn’t mean anyone actually waits until 16, so even if she was 15 they could still be having sex.

I think it’s great you have a partner who can be a positive male role model and give your son condoms.
Would you rather he didn’t and then your son had an STI or child at 14?

It sounds like your attitude is exactly why your son spoke to your partner instead of you as you would overreact or worry. I get your worry but if they’re having sex the best thing to do is to be safe.

EarringsandLipstick · 11/08/2021 14:34

@Thesheerrelief

Giving him condoms does not = them definitely having sex

Not giving him condoms doesn't = them not having sex

It's a sensible thing to do.

That's true.

However giving condoms isn't helping DS establish boundaries.

He's 14. Not mature enough to have sex. The conversation needs to around how he's feeling, the relationship with the 16 yo girl etc.

OP has confirmed that he's only been seeing the girl a few weeks. Sex may not be remotely on the cards. It's likely to fizzle out very soon.

callmeadoctor · 11/08/2021 14:35

once again Im gobsmacked by all the posters on here that think its perfectly fine for their kids to break the law!

EarringsandLipstick · 11/08/2021 14:36

if they’re having sex the best thing to do is to be safe.

But are they?

If they aren't, and most likely they aren't, giving him condoms is just pushing an agenda that might not be at all relevant.

Bollindger · 11/08/2021 14:36

Your DS can talk to your DP, don't judge that as a bad thing, it really does mean your son can ask him for advice rather than keeping secrets.
Also your DP cares enough to make sure your DS isn't going to become a dad in his near future, most boys are having sex if they can and your DS will not be the exception.
Be grateful.

EarringsandLipstick · 11/08/2021 14:37

most boys are having sex if they can

That might be true where you are, but it's not the case everywhere, and certainly not at 14.

Graphista · 11/08/2021 14:38

Why are you not discussing anything of this kind with your own son? You seem to be leaving it all to the men. They will have a different perspective to you and I'm guessing ds mostly lives with you?

I think the age gap is very dodgy myself and I'd be contacting the girl and at the very least wanting to meet her to figure out what's going on there. It's very unusual at this age for older girls to be interested in younger boys, that would concern me.

The police are only interested in this kind of relationship if there is any abuse or coercion

We don't know that for certain. Because the op doesn't. Boys can be pressured into sex too.

Suzi888 · 11/08/2021 14:41

@callmeadoctor

once again Im gobsmacked by all the posters on here that think its perfectly fine for their kids to break the law!
I don’t think anyone thinks “it’s fine” but we’d rather not deal with a teen pregnancy! The kids are unlikely to tell an adult that they are planning to have sex anyway.
LST · 11/08/2021 14:41

@Amima

I agree it’s terrible. It needs impressing upon children that sex before 16 is a criminal offence. And if I found out they’d had sex I’d be calling the police.
Hahahaha and I thought I'd heard it all
ExpressDelivery · 11/08/2021 14:42

@callmeadoctor

once again Im gobsmacked by all the posters on here that think its perfectly fine for their kids to break the law!
I don't think anyone thinks it's fine, they just want them to be safe if they're going to have sex.

As you apparently wouldn't allow it, what exactly would you do to stop it?

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