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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be very annoyed with DP & think this is very inappropriate?

232 replies

hayanomi · 11/08/2021 12:30

My son is 14, about to go into year 10. The other day, he told me he has a girlfriend and she's 16. So I'm obviously worried as she’ll be going to college!

His dad is also worried. DP knows we are both worried but I found out that he's given DS condoms. I spoke to DP and he said that he'll obviously be having sex with his girlfriend so he gave him some condoms! He's 14!! He says I'm overreacting and I should accept he's growing up.

Aibu to be very annoyed or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
ImprobablePuffin · 11/08/2021 13:20

Honestly I read this as your DP is being sensible. He knows full well that this won't be the first time your DS has encountered anything sexual and wants him to be careful. I'm not sure why there's such a taboo around sex - your DS is 14 not 8 and although illegal for him to partake, sex will be on his radar. Sounds like DP was looking out for his DSS to me. Why do condoms shock you so much?

Original poster
hayanomi · 11/08/2021 13:22

I've been with DP for 4 years. I'm not in denial but I'm annoyed about him giving DS condoms when it wasn't his place especially without telling me.

I don't know who DS’ girlfriend is but I'm worried about the age gap, as apparently she's 17 in a few months but DS isn't 15 until may! I have no idea why a 16 year old girl would want to be in a relationship with a 14 year old either, and elder DS has said that it's weird and all the girls were in a relationship with boys from their own year or the year above when they were 16.

OP posts:
ImprobablePuffin · 11/08/2021 13:22

@blobby10

I was horrified when my then 15 year old son told me they could go to the school nurse, say they were going to a party and would probably have sex, and they would be given a whole handful of condoms - no questions asked!
Why were you horrified?
jimmyhill · 11/08/2021 13:22

It all depends on how soon you want to be a granny really

dewisant2020 · 11/08/2021 13:24

I think you are being unreasonable, I'd rather my children had access to contraception no matter who it was from

Lulola · 11/08/2021 13:24

I don’t see this as a bad thing, it shows he cares and is concerned about your child! Yes you have different approaches but he was doing it for your child’s benefit,

Bluntness100 · 11/08/2021 13:26

I think he was out of line, he’s not his parent. It should be his father or you who take the contraceptive discussion. However if you’ve failed to do that properly and provide contraception if it seems like they will need it, then in this I think he is right to step in.

Iwantcauliflowercheese · 11/08/2021 13:26

I walked back from town with my next door neighbour who had been to buy condoms for his 12 year old DS who had a 16 year old gf. Your DP did the right thing, but should have told you first.

Plumtree391 · 11/08/2021 13:26

@ExpressDelivery

I'm not sure it's DP's place, it would be better if his mother or father had given them, but much better that he has them than doesn't have them.

They probably won't be needed and I imagine this relationship will fizzle out fairly quickly, but a sensible (essential) conversation to have.

That.

My son had a sixteen year old girlfriend when he was 14 but it only lasted a few months. When she goes to college she will have peer pressure about dating such a young boy, she will also meet plenty of other boys.

ExpressDelivery · 11/08/2021 13:27

I think there's reason to be concerned about the age difference and I'd want to meet her, but giving him condoms (or not) isn't going to change anything except the risk.

EarringsandLipstick · 11/08/2021 13:31

I'm worried about the age gap, as apparently she's 17 in a few months

As you should be.

This relationship is completely inappropriate. Your DS is only 14, the age gap is significant. You need to talk to him.

I can't get over the replies here. Your DP is completely out of line, he's not your son's parent. By all means, if he thinks your son should be given condoms, he should let you know but that's it.

No way is it usual or in my view, acceptable for a 14 yo child, boy or girl, to be having sex.

You and DS dad need to be agreeing your approach & talking, together, to DS.

EarringsandLipstick · 11/08/2021 13:32

@Iwantcauliflowercheese

I walked back from town with my next door neighbour who had been to buy condoms for his 12 year old DS who had a 16 year old gf. Your DP did the right thing, but should have told you first.
That's beyond grim, and nearly unbelievable. Your neighbour was sanctioning his son being in a relationship with a 16 yo, and having sex at 12?
SirenSays · 11/08/2021 13:33

Do c cards still exist? They used to provide condoms of all varieties and sizes and lube. I'd be sending him off to go and get one, unless DP will be designated condom supplier from now on. I think it's good that DP is stepping up and that contraception isn't being left to the girl.

prsphne · 11/08/2021 13:37

Of course your DP is right. If he hadn’t given him the condoms your DS could’ve gone to the GUM clinic and picked some up himself. Or he might not have done. And then he might have got STDs or created a baby.

Plenty of 14 year olds are having sex. You and his DF should be having the conversation with him about being safe, consent, readiness. He should also be given ready access to contraception one way or the other, and it doesn’t sound like you or his DF were forthcoming in that department.

diddl · 11/08/2021 13:42

Not his place to give condoms?

I don't get that, sorry.

Whose place is it then?

MaMelon · 11/08/2021 13:45

Unless your DP knows differently I think he’s jumping the gun. The vast majority of 14 year olds are not having sex, and while it’s a possibility of course I would be uncomfortable with the idea of introducing them as part of a ‘now you’ve got a girlfriend you’ll be having sex’ as if it’s somehow an expectation of a relationship at such a young age - when it’s not. I made sure the DC knew were they were in the house if the felt they needed them, but they weren’t seen as something I expected they would use and also encouraged them not think they had to have sex just because they had a GF/BF. Seemed to work - both were older when they DTD.

Your DP should not have done this without your agreement. I presume you have a good relationship with your DS?

Lovemusic33 · 11/08/2021 13:46

He sounds sensible, I lost my virginity a few days before my 15th birthday as I was dating someone much older (I regret it).

I think mums find it hard to think that their little boys might be thinking about or having sex at that age, of course we don’t want them to be but in reality it’s quite likely they will if they are in a relationship. Why not make sure he does it safely? The last thing you want is him getting his gf pregnant.

Pretty sure we were given condoms at school around that age or were made aware of places we could get them for free (school nurse)?

longwayoff · 11/08/2021 13:46

Better a condom than an STD. Your son will behave like a young man. That is not necessarily the same behaviour you would like.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 11/08/2021 13:47

@MaMelon absolutely agree.

Lovemusic33 · 11/08/2021 13:48

Chances are she won’t want to know him once she’s at college anyway, why would she? He’s a school boy.

Original poster
hayanomi · 11/08/2021 13:48

My ex has spoken to DS about contraception and consent etc but didn't give him any condoms as DS has said he's only been in a relationship with his girlfriend for a few weeks.

Yes, me and DS have a good relationship.

OP posts:
viques · 11/08/2021 13:51

I am with your DP. Even if your DS and the girl friend aren’t having sex, he can practise with the condoms so that when the time comes when he needs them, with this girl friend or a later one, he knows how to use them.

Ghosttile · 11/08/2021 13:51

I really wouldn’t be happy about that age gap. There’s a big difference in maturity between a teenager about to start year 10 and one about to start year 12. It’s very unusual.

The condoms are better than the alternative. He needs to know that condoms can break.

Amima · 11/08/2021 13:52

I agree it’s terrible. It needs impressing upon children that sex before 16 is a criminal offence. And if I found out they’d had sex I’d be calling the police.

CrystalDaze · 11/08/2021 13:54

But its not your DPs fault you think the relationship is weird or inappropriate. The fact you’re not happy about the older girl situation probably makes it even more difficult for your son to approach you directly for advice or contraception.

Your DP sounds like a realist and is probably more sympathetic to what teenage boys might be getting up to at that age. The age of the girlfriend is irrelevant - condoms at that age are not a bad idea (even more so if they’re in a relationship!). It’s good he has someone to talk to about that stuff.

DP definitely should have mentioned to you though! .. again maybe your attitude about the relationship makes it a touchy subject and he knew you’d be unhappy. Seems like he was just looking out for your son, and realised that no matter how inappropriate the situation, some 14 year olds do have sex.

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