To try CIO?

[Babymeanswashing]

I know it’s a contentious issue on here, but AIBU to try CIO on a nine month old?

Attitudes are variable. I don’t believe it will have her growing up like a child in a Romanian orphanage but my main worry is that it just won’t work and she’ll end up completely hysterical and still sleeping badly.

I’m eager to avoid her growing up a poor sleeper tbh.

Bear in mind I haven’t done it yet so don’t totally flame me!

Never did it but learned many years later that my childminder did. My dd has attachment issues (late teen) and adhd. Don't know if it was a contributor... would would rather not have to wonder

Yabu.

Try the Ferber method instead. Google it or search Mumsnet for thousands of threads about it.

If she’s not sleeping speak to your health visitor , there maybe a less traumatic way to get baby to kip

Do you actually mean CIO as in shut the door and leave her to cry for however long it takes? Or do you mean controlled crying aka Ferber? The two are very different.

I’m not at all convinced Ferber would work. It makes no difference if you go in or not. I mean CIO, yeah.

Have you tried any other methods? there are many ways to help a baby develop healthy sleep habits without leaving them to cry. Personally I find leaving a child to cry is too cruel, but there are other methods which are much gentler.

@Starjammer

Do you actually mean CIO as in shut the door and leave her to cry for however long it takes? Or do you mean controlled crying aka Ferber? The two are very different.

This. CIO is awful, especially so young. But there are ways to gently train.

I’ve tried a few things. I don’t know if they are just too gentle or if I’m doing them all wrong but she just gets hysterical anyway.

I wouldn't do CIO as I think it's pretty brutal. What other methods have you tried?

And what are the issues? Not going to sleep, frequent waking, difficulty resettling?

I am not against people trying the cio method but I think 9 months is too young

Is her sleep actually a problem? You say you're "eager to avoid her growing up a poor sleeper" - so you're trying to avoid a potential future situation that hasn't happened yet?

If her sleep isn't an issue now, carry on as you are. Things change so quickly with little ones, you could cause yourself (and her) a whole load of bother for no reason.

We used gradual retreat with our DC where you put them to bed but stay in the room next to their bed, a night (or two) later you sit a few feet away from the bed, and then repeat this step with you moving closer and closer to the door until eventually you can put them in bed and then leave. There is sometimes some crying/grumpiness but the difference is that they're not crying alone.

To be honest I don’t think CIO works unless they’re ready. We found there was just some random point in time where he’d developed enough to be ok with independent sleep.

We’d tried leaving him (Ferber) before and he just ended up vomiting he was so angry. So we stopped.

Then one day, not long after his 1st birthday we were trying again (we would every few weeks to see if he was ready) and one night he got it. 3 minutes of crying and he just went to sleep, and has done for every sleep since both naps and night time.

Do you mean full blown extinction (where you just leave them for 12 hours and don’t go in at all) or graduated extinction (timed checks)?
According to a number of studies done they both have about a 90% success rate after three weeks. A similar success rate to gradual retreat or scheduled wakings.
I tried graduated extinction/CC/Ferber for a couple of night and it left my first born pretty traumatised- he started shaking, crying and clinging to me at the beginning of the bedtime routine. My second I could leave to CIO but she would only ever fuss for a couple of minutes before settling so not really CIO. Each chip is different and you just have to work out what works for you.

I swear by Ferber

From what I've read, I'd advise against it.
I really do understand how awful it is when you're lacking sleep but your little one is still so little. My DS is 13 months now and his sleeping got better around 11 months but he still wakes maybe twice (but goes straight back to sleep).
However, we've gone through a hard week again which always indicates he's about to learn something and he's just started taking his first steps, so sleep is linked to leaps / development so will often be up and down and cio means you'll have to do it multiple times when they go through one of these stages (so I've been told).

Sleep is developmental and if you leave little one to cio then she'll just learn no one is coming.
I know it's bloody difficult when you're getting no sleep so I sympathise, but I'd still try to push through, maybe ask partner to do some night shifts etc

If it's full CIO - shut the door and that's it - YABU. I couldn't subject a baby to that, particularly a 9 month old who doesn't understand why her mum isn't coming to help her.

Please don't leave your baby shut in a room to cry.

Gosh so many typos. I hope you get the gist!

I did do this yeah when Dd was 6m old. At the time I was sure of myself. She would self settle at bedtime but wake in the night and want me to stand with a hand on her all night. She wouldn't co sleep, went wild. Controlled crying was clearly winding her up more. So I did cio. She cried for 1hr 20 but not in a going mental upset way, she was definitely crying while she settled. The second night she cried for 20m. The 3rd night for 5 min. Then she slept through, which she did every night until she 4 when she stopped sleeping and we had a whole world of sleep issues for over a year. Looking back at it now I do feel guilty and obviously wonder if there's a connection with her sleep issues later. But at the time I was on my knees and I'm not sure what else I could have done. Logically I think she's always been quite high needs and this manifests in sleep issues for her. I'm just being honest here. I wish I'd given it a bit longer, 6m was very young. 9 or 10m is better but still tiny. I would say personally to exhaust all other avenues first, so you're not questioning yourself later.

Would you leave her to cry by herself till she vomits or passes out during the day time?

Would you leave a friend or family member to cry and sob and vomit until they passed out if they were upset during the day or night?

When you’re upset are you alright being left to cry your heart out knowing someone who’s meant to love and care for you is in the next room and ignoring you?

I can’t see it working. It’s just liable to upset the baby and the parents. When I’ve accidentally not had the baby monitor on and my babies have been crying unbeknownst to me they’ve been that upset I’ve struggled to settle them.
My first was a rubbish sleeper but got a lot better by about 2.5. In the grand scheme of things it’s a short period that they need you for. Sleep deprivation is very tough though

Thanks for your answers.

So at the moment she is just not settling. She’s up every hour and it is very hard and sometimes impossible to get her back in her cot after she’s woken up. At the moment, my DP takes her at 5 and I get to sleep until 830, but when I’m back at work we can’t do that. I get that people will say we should take it in turns and we will but tbh it still means very broken disrupted sleep.

I do worry about it as she’s tanking up with milk feeds overnight and this has a knock on effect the next day. Some friends of mine have children who don’t sleep and they are such lovely people but I don’t know how they cope - she’s only recently been able to start job hunting as she pretty much had to be a sahm because of sleep issues. And the youngest is 4! I get that is extreme but I do worry that DD isn’t getting a block of sleep either. Not sure why as daytime naps are mostly OK.

I’ve looked into Ferber and I swear it wound her up more. I’ve read lucy Wolfe and I had so many high hopes for this but it doesn’t seem to be working! (Like I say I might be doing something wrong so honestly any pointers are very welcome.)

What's her routine at the moment throughout the day and night? I'd highly recommend the Facebook group Respectful Sleep Training as they are a gold mind of advice @Babymeanswashing. They really can help you out if you're struggling with bad sleep. We recently sleep trained our 5 month old and I have no regrets. she's a happier baby and we are well rested too.