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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think family didn’t need to be so mean about it?

870 replies

LilBristow · 10/08/2021 15:57

We am due my first baby in a few weeks. I thought it would be nice (as it’s the summer hols and lovely weather this week) to hold a “baby party” for the kids in the family. Would basically just be a bog standard garden party with food and the paddling pool out etc, water guns if it’s warm and just a chance for them to ask any questions about the baby etc. I also thought we could get the kids making “welcome baby” cards etc, take lots of photos with banners and teddies etc and then I’d make each child a little photo album of the day and obviously my DC too so they can see the baby party we held for them.
I told my mum my plan and she said it sounded like a lovely idea and said she’d mention it to my grandma and aunties. The last day I rang her and asked if she’s got any feedback and she went quiet and then said “umm yeah, I think they’re just wondering why you’re having a party before baby is even born”. 🙄 I reminded her that I’d already explained it was to answer any questions the other kids might have and to just basically have a bit of fun and make some family photo books!! She said “yeah, well I’ll mention it again but I don’t know”. Next day she rang me saying “yeah …. Your grandma is just asking why you’re having a party for baby?”

Oh ffs. So I rang my grandma and explained it myself. She acted the same, kept saying “but baby isn’t here yet” so I said “ok let’s forget about baby!! I’m organising a fun day for the kids in the garden on Friday, will you spread the word!” She said “suppose so”.
Aunti has just sent me a message saying “don’t take this the wrong way but we haven’t had a party for any of the other babies born into the family so it doesn’t seem fair to do it for one”.

I’ve also heard that another auntie burst out laughing at the idea. I feel really fucking hurt to be honest. It’s my first baby and I just wanted to arrange something fun before he arrives.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 10/08/2021 16:44

If you’re close to these people why do the kids not know you’re pregnant?

If they’re too young to understand they’re too young to write cards or make welcome banners.

If they’re old enough to understand their parents not telling them is an indication of their level of enthusiasm.

Baby shower? I didn’t want one but have organised several, they definitely shouldn’t involve children.

Pre baby gathering or party as you’ll be knee deep in nappies soon? Normal, fun, fine, easy for people to understand.

Pre birth baby welcome party apparently for the benefit of family kids? Pretty weird.

Blinky21 · 10/08/2021 16:45

What questions will the other children have. Sounds really self indulgent to me, but each to their own . Feel the same way about baby showers

DumplingsAndStew · 10/08/2021 16:45

Wow. This one could be good.

Can I come?

CoolCatTaco · 10/08/2021 16:47

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Jerima · 10/08/2021 16:47

They don't want to come

Ourlady · 10/08/2021 16:48

Aww, I hope your family still come to your garden party OP
I agree it's weird talking about asking the other kids if they have any questions but I understand how special your first baby is to you and you want to make it special.
Everybody should make allowances for first time Mother's and just be kind.

fairycakes1234 · 10/08/2021 16:48

Sorry, think its a bit strange too, and I dont think you need to prepare children for a baby in the family. I think it would be better to wait till baby is here and then have something, its your first baby, its a lovley feeling everyone gooing and gaaing over your baby. best of luck xx

RunnerDuck2020 · 10/08/2021 16:49

I think it sounds like a nice idea to have a family get together with activities for the kids - your family have been quite mean about it. You won’t feel like planning and hosting a party once the baby is born so much better to do it now while you can enjoy it!

Kite22 · 10/08/2021 16:49

Yup, I'm with everyone else.
It is odd.
Your Grandma and Aunties are right.
No idea why the other dc would 'need preparing for the baby'.
No idea why you think they would have questions.
There is also the thought that many will have but many won't voice - that sadly not all births have a happy ending, and a lot of people don't like to 'celebrate' until a baby has arrived safely. (Sorry to put any worry in your mind. that is why a lot won't voice it, but it is a fact).

If you want to see your family, the normal thing would be to say "Why don't you all come round on X date. It will be nice to see everyone."
The whole concept of making cards to welcome the new baby - which hasn't been born - is a bit bizarre.

Cryalot2 · 10/08/2021 16:50

Wishing you well and a safe delivery.

I am older and wondered was it something new. I am not into baby showers or anything . Dh and pil would not let me buy anything hardly before our dc was born. A few basic items , but no pram or anything was allowed. ( I wish I had stood up and done my own thing)
To be honest I have never heard the like of such, and doubt if young children have any interest in some one else's baby. What sort of questions do you imagine they would ask?
It is like something some of the celebs would do.
But by all means have your family get together and I hope the weather holds up and you have a nice time.
You never know you could start a trend .

MiddleClassProblem · 10/08/2021 16:50

I think the trouble is you ask your mum to ask a couple of times and then said it yourself so despite you now dropping the baby idea, it was very much pushed at the beginning.

I’m not sure how much my niece’s and nephews would ever need to understand about my pregnancy, let alone my cousin’s kids or what questions I would feel they may want to have a Q&A session about. It only majorly impacts those living in the house or helping with childcare…

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/08/2021 16:50

@Starlight86

sorry sent to early.

And whilst its a lovely magical and all consuming moment for you its not for other people. they have their own lives, worries and happiness. They dont need to dedicate a day to yours.

This. Sorry. But it is really odd. In British society, it isn’t the done thing. Your grandmas may be of the generation that it was bad luck to buy gifts for a baby before it is born so for them, even more strange.

The time to celebrate your baby is when you have them round for a little party when they’re maybe 6 weeks old and you’re back on your feet a bit more.

BazWazzycantdance · 10/08/2021 16:51

Don’t take this the wrong way, but it does scream “look at me, look at me” and the baby isn’t even here! Even if you just say it’s a garden party, you’ll still want to explain and “talk/show off” bump. Being pregnant and expecting is your world and it is exciting- but only for you. I’m really sorry but it is very entitled. But congratulations and enjoy your baby when they arrive. X

Serenschintte · 10/08/2021 16:51

I think your intentions were good.
It’s the responsibility of parents of the children to explain about the baby. The children do not need to be 'prepared'
Baby will arrive, you will have visitors. Kids might be interested in baby of might not. My 3 year old found his baby brother very boring.
Hopefully this will all blow over.

Notimeforaname · 10/08/2021 16:52

Thats really weird. Why would your nieces and nephews have ''questions that need answering about your baby?

Waspsarearseholes · 10/08/2021 16:52

The idea of a family gathering is lovely but the motivation for it is very odd. It sounds like some sort of insta wankery where you want staged photos of the day for whatever reason. Getting children to make cards, that you've told them to make, and presumably are supplying the themed supplies with which to make them is very strange. They won't have any real meaning as they're so staged, rather than a spontaneous, sweet gesture to their baby cousin. They'd only be good to show off on social media. Making each child a photo book of the occasion is especially bizarre. Why would these children want a photo book of a party for a baby they've not get met? They might be interested if it was from their own birthday party but that's a big 'might'. Not a one of them is going to have a single question for you, I'm afraid. I'm not sure why you feel they need any preparing for you to have a baby.
It just sounds like the whole idea is very social media influenced, with a particular aesthetic in mind for photos. It's all just fake, though, isn't it?
I wouldn't be surprised if you read this back in a year and cringe and your family might not let you live it down for a while, but I'd just scrap the whole thing to be honest. Have a lovely celebration to welcome the baby instead. Wishing you all the best.

FartleBarfle · 10/08/2021 16:53

YABU.

You didn't invent babies. The kids don't need to ask you questions about it. They don't need any of this, it all sounds a bit self indulgent.

I think the idea of a party just because it's the summer hols and you want to spend time with your family and relatives is great though. The rest of it is super weird and if this does go ahead in the form you have proposed you'll look at your photo album in a few years and wonder what you were thinking. Hope you manage to sort something out, but if your family can't get over how weird your proposal was, I'd leave it and invite some friends over instead!

Saoirse82 · 10/08/2021 16:53

I think your family are being a bit mean, yes, it's unusual to hold a party dedicated to an unborn baby but I think they should appreciate that you want to host a nice family get together, my family love any excuse to spend time together so I think yours should make the effort. I wouldn't have called it a baby party though, but your a ftm and excited so I think they should have been a bit nicer about it even if they thought it was a bit of a strange set up and just gone and enjoyed themselves.

Notimeforaname · 10/08/2021 16:54

does make you seem a bit up yourself, wanting to brief the children of the family, and have them make cards and do a photo shoot with props for your impending arrival?

Unless this is the second coming and you are infact pregnant with the baby Jesus? In which case your reaction is still slightly OTT but a bit more understandable 😂

🤣Exactly my thoughts..

DysmalRadius · 10/08/2021 16:54

It sounds like a really sweet idea, but I think you might really overthought the initial version of the event and those who already have kids are responding in a way that reflects that. But they are being unnecessarily unkind about it and it wouldn't have been hard to indulge you on this one occasion (unless you make a habit of it).

Having a baby is exciting and I'm sure most people have got a bit carried away at one point or other - there are always threads on here where people look back in amazement at the plans they had or the things they did when they had their first baby. It sounds like you had good intentions - hopefully your family will get on board a bit more and you'll meet in the middle!

Notimeforaname · 10/08/2021 16:57

Making each child a photo book of the occasion is especially bizarre. Why would these children want a photo book of a party for a baby they've not get met?

Also this. Is there another new fad happening that I dont know about ? Are baby showers and baby moons not enough now, are prenatal welcoming/crafts parties all the rage now?

toocold54 · 10/08/2021 16:58

I also thought we could get the kids making “welcome baby” cards etc, take lots of photos with banners and teddies etc and then I’d make each child a little photo album of the day

Sorry OP this is too much and it’s not for the kids or your baby it’s for you. Which is fine as you are excited about your little one which is great! But remember not everyone is going to be AS excited as you.
I assume none of the other kids attended baby parties to prepare them for other babies? Just tell them you’re pregnant and they’ll have a new niece or nephew soon.

I do get why you didn’t want to call it a baby shower as you didn’t want gifts but having a baby party is a bit odd.

What is the main thing you want out of it?
You could just have a garden party but it obviously won’t be what you want.
Do you think you are disappointed that no one offered to throw you a baby shower?

HalzTangz · 10/08/2021 16:59

@LilBristow

It wasn’t just for baby, it was to help prepare the other kids, I’m not sure if they’re even aware I’m pregnant or if they are that birth I’d very soon
But surely the other kids know roughly about babies to see their siblings, cousins etc when they are born. Not sure why a party would be needed for this reason
Washyourtoes · 10/08/2021 16:59

YANBU. I too am a bit puzzled by the plans, but honestly why the need to rain on your parade like that. If you were my friend or family member, I would be happy that you are so excited, come to the garden party and make some cards/banners with you and celebrate! If they don't want a 'baby party', then they don't have to have one, why make you feel rubbish for being happy?

Hekatestorch · 10/08/2021 17:00

I think the issue is, you pitched an idea about a party for the kids....that entirely revolves around just your baby and being able to give your baby some keep sakes.

Honestly, when the cousins are teens they won't care about a photo of them holding a banner at a party for their unborn cousin. They certainly won't care about a nook of photos.

It comes across, to me, that you want something for you want a party that's about you and your baby, so you have made put you are doing g something altruistic for the their kids. When it's actually just for you.

How many questions are the relatives kids going to be asking? That they wouldn't just ask their own parents?

You can't be that close as you think some of them don't know you are pregnant

And now, you are trying to change it. But people are expecting that if they turn up, you will try and impose all this on them, anyway.

Not a chance would I force my kids (and they would need to be forced, despite loving their cousins) to have photos taken is different poses with banners, so a baby they don't know will have a photo book.

Your pregnancy is amazing and wonderful to you. And that's OK. But to everyone else it's not the centre of their world.