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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think family didn’t need to be so mean about it?

870 replies

LilBristow · 10/08/2021 15:57

We am due my first baby in a few weeks. I thought it would be nice (as it’s the summer hols and lovely weather this week) to hold a “baby party” for the kids in the family. Would basically just be a bog standard garden party with food and the paddling pool out etc, water guns if it’s warm and just a chance for them to ask any questions about the baby etc. I also thought we could get the kids making “welcome baby” cards etc, take lots of photos with banners and teddies etc and then I’d make each child a little photo album of the day and obviously my DC too so they can see the baby party we held for them.
I told my mum my plan and she said it sounded like a lovely idea and said she’d mention it to my grandma and aunties. The last day I rang her and asked if she’s got any feedback and she went quiet and then said “umm yeah, I think they’re just wondering why you’re having a party before baby is even born”. 🙄 I reminded her that I’d already explained it was to answer any questions the other kids might have and to just basically have a bit of fun and make some family photo books!! She said “yeah, well I’ll mention it again but I don’t know”. Next day she rang me saying “yeah …. Your grandma is just asking why you’re having a party for baby?”

Oh ffs. So I rang my grandma and explained it myself. She acted the same, kept saying “but baby isn’t here yet” so I said “ok let’s forget about baby!! I’m organising a fun day for the kids in the garden on Friday, will you spread the word!” She said “suppose so”.
Aunti has just sent me a message saying “don’t take this the wrong way but we haven’t had a party for any of the other babies born into the family so it doesn’t seem fair to do it for one”.

I’ve also heard that another auntie burst out laughing at the idea. I feel really fucking hurt to be honest. It’s my first baby and I just wanted to arrange something fun before he arrives.

OP posts:
Caoilinsmum1 · 15/08/2021 17:27

I don’t understand your need to “prepare” the other kids? If this is your first baby why do u have to prepare other people’s children? I’m with your grandma it is a bit strange

AppleJane · 15/08/2021 17:51

This thread has 852 posts, most of which are nasty. Please STOP posting unless you have RTFT. The OP is bringing up her child alone, doesn't deserve the kicking on here she's had and hasn't been back in days.

Kite22 · 15/08/2021 19:46

This thread has 852 posts, most of which are nasty.

Just because they are not reassuring the OP that her idea was a good one and it is her family that re odd, does not make them nasty.

She has asked a question in AIBU, and people have been honest.
AIBU is not here to pat people on the head and to have your hand held.
Some folk on MN seem confused between people offering an (asked for) opinion, and people being nasty.
Nor does the fact that someone is 'bringing up a child alone' , mean they are right and the family close to them telling them their idea is odd, are wrong. It was a strange idea whether you are a single Mum to be or a married Mum to be or straight, gay, old, young, or anything else.

sunglassesonthetable · 15/08/2021 20:14

Some folk on MN seem confused between people offering an (asked for) opinion, and people being nasty.

Oh give over. Don't be so patronising. If you'd RTFT you'd know what was being referred to.

You seem confused between people offering an asked for opinion and being OTT vile.

Kite22 · 15/08/2021 21:08

I have RTFT.

The post above mine says that MOST of the posts are nasty.
They simply aren't.

Most agree with OP's family, and therefore think the OP was BU, in what she asked, to start with, but most aren't being nasty. Not saying, amongst 855 posts there aren't exceptions.

sunglassesonthetable · 15/08/2021 21:22

Kite no not every single post is nasty no. You're correct.

Yep this thread stands as a straightforward rosta of yes/no opinion .
You think that do you?

Crack on. We obviously have different standards.

Marriedtothesilverfox · 16/08/2021 19:01

This story is in the Liverpool Echo, Im going to report it.

vodkaredbullgirl · 16/08/2021 19:17

Shock not really surprising.

Kazzistar · 16/08/2021 19:49

I get what your trying to do but you've made it sound abit ridiculous tbh.
You should have just said you wanted to do a baby reveal/baby shower.
The questions thing is weird, children don't need a time to to ask questions unless it's their siblings

Plumtree391 · 16/08/2021 23:26

@Marriedtothesilverfox

This story is in the Liverpool Echo, Im going to report it.
To whom would you report, Married? I doubt the Echo have done anything illegal. I've never seen a report in the media but have seen posters say that threads on here do sometimes find their way there. Gosh, we must be an interesting lot Smile.
LittleBearPad · 16/08/2021 23:33

Presumably to MNHQ but the ship has sailed. It won’t change the fact the story has been published.

Plumtree391 · 16/08/2021 23:36

MNHQ can't do anything surely.

I found it in the Liverpool Echo and it is there, word for word. They didn't even change the typo, 'We am' in the opening post!

Sheesh. Is there no news in Liverpool?

LittleBearPad · 16/08/2021 23:43

@Plumtree391

MNHQ can't do anything surely.

I found it in the Liverpool Echo and it is there, word for word. They didn't even change the typo, 'We am' in the opening post!

Sheesh. Is there no news in Liverpool?

They can take down the thread which means fewer people read the full discussion. Still doesn’t mean the story goes away - so rather pointless
Plumtree391 · 17/08/2021 00:05

Oh yes, LittleBearPad, I get that.

I feel sorry for the op about the local rag getting hold of her story, I hope nobody who knows her reads it. I don't know how popular the paper is as I am a Londoner.

Haysmith · 17/08/2021 16:53

@LilBristow
Never in my life have I signed up for a website (let alone from a different country) specifically to reach out based on something I’ve read. I’m not one to post on social media - I usually keep my opinions to myself. So I hope this doesn’t overstep - or come off as weird!
I saw a “click bate” article pop up on my Facebook this morning. I’m from Canada, so I’m not sure why it was suggested for me. I was so worked up by what I read that I wanted to yell into my phone as if you would be able to hear me.

I SINCERELY hope you are doing well. I see the post was recent, so if you haven’t had your baby - I hope your pregnancy is going well - if you have I hope every went okay, that baby is well and healthy; and more importantly that you are well and healthy.

I’m not sure if you have multiple posts. I’m referring to the one about your baby party - (sorry if my thoughts are all scattered)

I’m not sure what is “customary” where you live - what’s the social norm - but a party like you suggested is not common here either. Regardless of that - you are NOT being unreasonable. Within seconds - without even knowing you- I could come up with at least a dozen reasons why I, a complete stranger, would come to a party like that. The biggest one being YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Being a mom for the first time is so totally overwhelming, both in a good way and a not so good way. It’s exciting, it’s new, it’s unpredictable, it’s scary, it’s lonely, it’s life changing in every way. You obviously have a need for having a party like that - even if it’s something on a deeper level like wanting to have a little bit of exposure or practise with kids before your little one comes. Or wanting to connect to family and friends and having people share some excitement with you. Or even wanting to do something for yourself before your life changes.

The people who love you, and care about you need to set aside their own feelings about the uniqueness of it and just be there for YOU.

I am so sorry that you came up with an idea to fulfill your needs - possibly got excited about it - and had that completely crushed by those closest to you. As an adult, getting excited about things, and experiencing joy isn’t as easy as it was when we were little and it can be a hard blow when someone makes you feel silly about that. My heart breaks at the thought of people not being able to put you first at such an important time in your life, because of their own minor discomforts or insecurities.

I truly, truly hope you get what you need emotionally before the big day - and just know that there are people across the world wishing you well. Congratulations on your life change!

Discofish · 17/08/2021 23:48

I'm so sorry your family have made you feel crap over this.

I find it bizarre that people would think it "odd" or "strange" given that it is essentially a prenatal party, a celebration of being pregnant and the anticipation of baby arriving.

The American custom which we seem to have adopted in the UK is usually called a "baby shower" (as many posters have pointed out) - what the hell does it matter what you call it and whether its different from the American custom- which I agree with you comes with the expectation of bringing gifts. Hence I never had or wanted a baby shower. We did however have a get together (parents, siblings and neices/nephews) to celebrate getting past a certain gestation with our second baby- as our first was born very prem. Its irrelevant what baby related activities you do - I don't like the kind of games you do at baby showers and hen do and would much rather be sat crafting some welcome cards with the children!!

Discofish · 17/08/2021 23:51

Couldn't agree more, what a lovely message

Usecoooomonsnse · 10/09/2021 20:58

@LilBristow

I’m having this baby alone, I suppose I just wanted to share the excitement with someone.
@LilBristow hope you are well. I don’t think you are reading this thread but if you do hope it is going well with the rest of the pregnancy or the baby if the bundle joy has arrived.
anxiouscrazymum · 10/09/2021 22:56

Oh my goodness, your are going to be one of them mums!
Fact thousands of babies are born everyday, fact, nobody cares about your baby as much as you do! Fact, no one but you and your expectations need to prepare!!
Cold hard truth!

sunglassesonthetable · 11/09/2021 07:03

@anxiouscrazymum

Oh jog on with your miserable reply. OP hasn't posted since the first week of Aug and here you are bouncing in like a ray of sunshine. No one cares!

If you read TFT you'd see that actually lots of people care deeply about babies other than their own. Your's is only one small opinion. Not a fact. And OP is long gone.

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