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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think family didn’t need to be so mean about it?

870 replies

LilBristow · 10/08/2021 15:57

We am due my first baby in a few weeks. I thought it would be nice (as it’s the summer hols and lovely weather this week) to hold a “baby party” for the kids in the family. Would basically just be a bog standard garden party with food and the paddling pool out etc, water guns if it’s warm and just a chance for them to ask any questions about the baby etc. I also thought we could get the kids making “welcome baby” cards etc, take lots of photos with banners and teddies etc and then I’d make each child a little photo album of the day and obviously my DC too so they can see the baby party we held for them.
I told my mum my plan and she said it sounded like a lovely idea and said she’d mention it to my grandma and aunties. The last day I rang her and asked if she’s got any feedback and she went quiet and then said “umm yeah, I think they’re just wondering why you’re having a party before baby is even born”. 🙄 I reminded her that I’d already explained it was to answer any questions the other kids might have and to just basically have a bit of fun and make some family photo books!! She said “yeah, well I’ll mention it again but I don’t know”. Next day she rang me saying “yeah …. Your grandma is just asking why you’re having a party for baby?”

Oh ffs. So I rang my grandma and explained it myself. She acted the same, kept saying “but baby isn’t here yet” so I said “ok let’s forget about baby!! I’m organising a fun day for the kids in the garden on Friday, will you spread the word!” She said “suppose so”.
Aunti has just sent me a message saying “don’t take this the wrong way but we haven’t had a party for any of the other babies born into the family so it doesn’t seem fair to do it for one”.

I’ve also heard that another auntie burst out laughing at the idea. I feel really fucking hurt to be honest. It’s my first baby and I just wanted to arrange something fun before he arrives.

OP posts:
youlookingatme · 12/08/2021 13:34

Iwantcauliflowercheese

I agree with you. Its a generational thing.

Kanaloa · 12/08/2021 13:34

@LoislovesStewie

My comment about the difference between being forthright and horrible was in response to you saying op asked for opinions and received forthright ones. I think there’s a way to give honest opinions without being nasty as many on this thread felt the need to be. You personally were not among the worst nasty people, I was just disputing your claim that people were being ‘forthright.’ They aren’t, if we’re honest, they are just being nasty. If you look back to my first comment, I actually said I didn’t think it was the best idea and could see how it came across wrong to the family, but that I felt laughing/being unkind wasn’t on, it would be better just to decline.

We can agree to disagree on baby showers/pre birth celebrations. I believe they have been in use for quite a while, and a quick internet search confirms they have been around since at least the 1950s, with other cultural celebrations of pregnancy being in practice for hundreds of years.

Kanaloa · 12/08/2021 13:36

And it was another poster that referred to op as mumzilla, not you, so that was me getting mixed up!

LoislovesStewie · 12/08/2021 13:39

Perhaps Kanaloa I was being polite by referring to people as forthright!

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 12/08/2021 13:44

I dunno, I think it's a bit mean to shoot the idea down so hard when you know someone you love is going through pregnancy and about to have a baby on their own. And then keep going on about how weird you think it is even after that person has changed the initial idea to make it just a general meet-up.

But they didn't do any of that... Nobody shot it down hard or went on about it. The mum clearly felt awkward, hence the "went quiet" and then the gentle suggestion that it was unusual to have a party for a baby not yet born. The grandma was the same. Nobody was fooled by the OP pretending she had dropped the idea, so again they gently let her down.

SoniaD · 12/08/2021 13:45

Everyone sounds so mean! It's basically a baby shower, and I love baby showers so I would go 100%! But sounds like your family are more interested in getting together after the baby is born so maybe just wait and have a "Sip & See" type party where they can meet the baby. (But for the record I would have totally been on board with your party).

sunglassesonthetable · 12/08/2021 13:50

Really weird OP. Kids don’t need to be prepared for the arrival of a baby. Least if all kids that aren’t even yours. What possible questions would they have?

Dunno. " are you having a kitten?"
Does it really matter?

But even people without kids generally understand kids a bit better than you seem to.

You told her @Binnaggy 🙄

Constellationstation · 12/08/2021 14:04

@sunglassesonthetable are you the OP?

sunglassesonthetable · 12/08/2021 14:11

@Constellationstation

Nah😄. But get your drift. Someone else asked me that.

MarchXX · 12/08/2021 14:17

@LilBristow

It wasn’t just for baby, it was to help prepare the other kids, I’m not sure if they’re even aware I’m pregnant or if they are that birth I’d very soon
Um, you do sound a bit precious, OP. Why should any kids be interested in your baby? By all means invite family for a get together but don't make it about your upcoming baby, that's boring for most people. Sorry, don't mean to sound dismissive but just saying.
CrankyFrankie · 12/08/2021 14:44

Aw, sorry that your fam have pissed on your chips. Don't they always do that! I think it's a cute idea really but the older generation definitely don't get this stuff. At the risk of being totally patronising, baby showers are a recent American import and traditionally people wouldn't celebrate a baby's birth until it is safely in its mother's arms (maybe the risks of childbirth being much higher only a couple of generations ago are a big factor in this). In my folks' day, it was purely a case of 'wetting the baby's head' - just everyone getting together down the pub to celebrate once baby is born!

CrankyFrankie · 12/08/2021 14:49

PS Does your Grandma maybe disapprove of you having the baby alone?

Frazzle678 · 12/08/2021 15:05

Oh dear, it sounds lovely - but a bit OTT.
The thing is, people of an older generation have been around long enough to know that you don't celebrate the arrival of a baby - just in case that baby never actually arrives.
I'm sure that you will have a beautiful happy healthy baby.
Focus on you, not on throwing a party.
Don't take any notice of them!
It's unusual, but it's our unusualness that makes us all special.
I'm sure your nephews and nieces will love to get to know your baby once it has arrived. BEfore then, they never really take any notice.
Sending you lots of love. X

MaybeMammy · 12/08/2021 16:38

It's probably better than you learn sooner rather than later that other people don't care as much about your baby as you do! Yes they will be happy for you, but the concept of the party seems a bit self indulgent. The kids don't really care that you're pregnant, they have very little understanding of this stuff but I'm sure they will love the baby when it's born but right now it's too abstract for them. I think it has become ridiculous with the amount of stuff surrounding the birth of a baby now, gender reveal, baby shower, christening/naming day and now you want to enforce another fake celebration into the mix. I think I speak for most of us when I say no thank you!!!!

OaxacaChihuahua · 12/08/2021 16:43

I’m so glad I come from a family which sees babies as happy, exciting things and not the most boring creatures ever to have cursed the earth.

ChocolateTelegram · 12/08/2021 17:22

It's not really about if it's odd or not, it's the motive. And I am surprised at the gullibility displayed here. The OP makes at least 2 references to having 'nice photos', one is telling "so I can get some nice photos!" Include the line about a photo album for kids to hide the real motive. Then the drip feed to elicit sympathy "but I'm all alone!" which she isn't obviously, her mum, grandma, aunt, etc. What she means is 'I'm not with my baby's dad' - well, probably 50% of women go through birth while single. I guess I have a lot of experience with Instagrammers and Influencers and the OP's post is 100% pure instagrammer or influencer. Maybe some on here don't have experience with instagrammers or influencers so don't pick up it. But to me it sticks out like the proverbial dogs anatomy. Dress it up like she is doing someone else a favour ie other people's kids, and watch the people here fall for it 'oh how nice an idea!' The cousins are an excuse. It's all about creating the "nice photos". Reading through her posts, her motives are quite clear and it's all about her and creating a niche influencer/instagrammer photoshoot. Dressed up as doing cousins/family members etc a favour. I think that's why some people are seen as 'harsh', or rather not indulging in the British politeness and call a spade a spade. They see this for what it is when others apparently can't.

Justme10 · 12/08/2021 17:44

Maybe I'm missing something but why does wanting nice photos mean influencer/instagrammer?

I only want the nice photos when I'm printing them off for my photo albums or maybe even putting them on social media, I think most people do. I don't pick the ones were someone is blinking or the photo that includes one of the kids sudden tantrums or snot hanging out of his nose.

And even if it is her reason for wanting the party the family can just say no to the photos if they don't like it, there's no reason to laugh at her and make her feel bad.

ChocolateTelegram · 12/08/2021 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

peoplewatching · 12/08/2021 17:54

It sounds like your mum was originally excited by the idea of it but has since been swayed by relatives opinions.

While I'm personally not a fan of baby showers, I appreciate you want to celebrate and get excited, so maybe you could arrange something with you and your mum? You could create a keepsake book and start with a letter from you and a letter from your mum?

KarmaStar · 12/08/2021 17:56

Nice try op.

LizzieW1969 · 12/08/2021 17:59

Whatever her motives, the OP has clearly long gone, understandably. That makes it possible to ascribe to her the worst possible motives without her defending herself, doesn’t it?

MeredithGreyishblue · 12/08/2021 18:00

Maybe some of us think she deserves to be laughed at at made to feel bad, after all, she doesn't care about using other people or their feelings when she intends to use them as props in her influencer/instagrammer fantasy world. As far as I'm concerned, she deserves ridicule and shame. It's the only way to stop these people.

Unless you know her that's a he'll of a reach and unfeasibly unkind.

I hate MLM too but you're guessing here. And delighting in making someone feel bad. That's awful.

Kanaloa · 12/08/2021 18:01

@ChocolateTelegram

She ‘deserves ridicule and shame?’ Really? Why?

Even if she did want to post a photo of a party on Instagram, why is that worthy of ridicule and shame? And she hasn’t even said she wanted to do so, she wanted to do an baby sex reveal.

I don’t think anyone deserved ridicule and shame just because we disagree with them. And it’s not a crime to want attention/to be a bit self indulgent.

sunglassesonthetable · 12/08/2021 18:06

It's not really about if it's odd or not, it's the motive. And I am surprised at the gullibility displayed here. The OP makes at least 2 references to having 'nice photos', one is telling "so I can get some nice photos!" Include the line about a photo album for kids to hide the real motive. Then the drip feed to elicit sympathy "but I'm all alone!" which she isn't obviously, her mum, grandma, aunt, etc. What she means is 'I'm not with my baby's dad' - well, probably 50% of women go through birth while single. I guess I have a lot of experience with Instagrammers and Influencers and the OP's post is 100% pure instagrammer or influencer. Maybe some on here don't have experience with instagrammers or influencers so don't pick up it. But to me it sticks out like the proverbial dogs anatomy. Dress it up like she is doing someone else a favour ie other people's kids, and watch the people here fall for it 'oh how nice an idea!' The cousins are an excuse. It's all about creating the "nice photos". Reading through her posts, her motives are quite clear and it's all about her and creating a niche influencer/instagrammer photoshoot. Dressed up as doing cousins/family members etc a favour. I think that's why some people are seen as 'harsh', or rather not indulging in the British politeness and call a spade a spade. They see this for what it is when others apparently can't.

🤣 Arse

Justme10 · 12/08/2021 18:08

@ChocolateTelegram shame and ridicule? For a party and photos?

You have no evidence to say she is a instagrammer or influencer, I don't see why either of these things 'deserves shame and ridicule' but at the end of the day your making something up in your own head, acting like it's fact and being nasty to a pregnant woman. So well done you I guess 👍🏻

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