‘We didn’t bring you up to have a cleaner’

[Itsthendoftheworldasweknowit]

What does this mean?

I have two amazing cleaning ladies who come for 4 hours every fortnight. They do what I call ‘The big clean’ the whole house, dusting, bathroom, windows, kitchen, hoover, mop, oven, fridge etc. In between this time I do the loos, kitchen everyday and hoover & mop a couple of times (stone tile floors)
I HATE cleaning, I have a toddler and work part time, I cook lots and don’t mind it, but cleaning isn’t my thing.
I’d rather pay money for cleaners and forgo a new outfit or a meal out, that’s how much I dislike it 🤣it’s impossible to do it with Dd around, plus I’d rather spend time with her than breaking my back cleaning.
Today, my mum said ‘We didn’t bring you up to have a cleaner’ she then began to list how she’d do the bathrooms one day, the downstairs the next etc etc..fine, but I don’t want to spend every day cleaning. She also said how she had 3 kids, not 1 🙄
I said how I’d rather spend some money on cleaners so we can enjoy our weekends in the sun (live abroad) and relax, rather than buying myself loads of new clothes or getting my eyebrows done etc (things she and my sister spend a fair amount on)
AIBU to have cleaners?!

YANBU at all. It’s none of her business and you don’t need to justify yourself to her or any of the people on here questioning why you have a cleaner for x hours, blah, blah.

I love having a cleaner and it’s been a big thing behind an improvement in my mental health.

I have had a cleaner for many years. She makes my life function. She enjoys cleaning and l don’t. She comes every Wednesday for four hours a week, which means that l only have to do little bits in between. I work long, irregular hours and it really makes all the difference. My Mum had a cleaner as we got older and she went back to work. There is no need to feel judged for having a cleaner - you are doing what is right for you.

@JaninaDuszejko

Being a cleaner is a vital job. I don't know why some people think it's lowly and menial and think women are hypocrites for employing a cleaner. Employing a cleaner (or a childminder or a waitress or a cook) transfers 'women's work' from unpaid work to paid work. How is that an unfeminist thing to do?

You are saying exactly what I was thinking.

Why are they even poking their nose in about whether you have a cleaner or not? We have cleaners, twice a week - it's a big house and I hate housework and I work full time. My parents probably don't agree either - they are late 80s and insist on "struggling on" as they put it and won't take any help. They'd rather moan - sorry to be harsh but yours sound similar.

She enjoys cleaning and l don’t

Bet she wouldn't do it if she was a millionaire

I have cleaners .

my mum was a cleaner .

personally I don't think it is anyone elses business . I work full time and would rather be doing other things at the weekend

and even if I worked part time if I could afford it I would

I hate cleaning and actually am not very good at it either .

I don't think you're unreasonable to have a cleaner. I'm a sahm to 2 (one school age one not yet at school, no nursery) and it's something I've considered but haven't quite bought myself to do, I clean every day, I feel like it's constant. I'm divorced and only have 1 day to myself every 2 weeks, I spend it doing a deep clean and would like to not!

I’d bloody love a cleaner! It’s top of my wish list for when finances improve

@Drinkingallthewine

God I'd love a cleaner.

My mother would also be mortified if we got a cleaner. But I think that would stem from her feeling like it was a job that only people with limited options would do - a lot of her generation would have had that mindset. As well as that, there was a lot of shaming for the women who didn't keep a sparkling house - whether that was due to them being unwell, overworked elsewhere, unsupportive spouse etc it was always put down to being a slattern and lazy.

These days though, cleaning is a business. It gives people the freedom to choose their own client base, charge their own fees and choose their own hours to suit their families. Many of us would love that kind of flexibility from our employer.

DM also thinks a dishwasher is lazy. But then I see her washing plates with lukewarm grimy water with a tiny squirt of soap and wiping them dry with a tea-towel that's wiped many other things that day and think it's minging. I do the same at the sink with the dishes as she does before putting them in the dishwasher so I'm actually doing more with the dishes. Yet I'm the lazy bugger who uses a dishwasher.

@Drinkingallthewine not the point of the thread but - you wash your dishes before putting them in the dishwasher??? Why?

@Helendee

I’m not a feminist other than believing in equality for all and I struggle to understand how those who are don’t mind employing another woman to do their cleaning. Surely who want more for your sisters than them cleaning up mess?

My cleaner used to be a man...

That should have said I used to have a male cleaner 😆

@Kdubs1981 -

@Cavagirl
My dishwasher in this rented house isn't a brilliant one so dishes need a bit of a wipe to clean off debris and grease before going in. They aren't perfectly spotless and I don't rinse off soapy residue before they go in but the high temperature, rinsing and air drying sorts that.

@Kdubs1981

That should have said I used to have a male cleaner 😆

Is that because he was particularly dirty?

[quote Itsthendoftheworldasweknowit]@TeapotCollection Sorry, no it’s 2 hrs per fortnight, but there’s 2 cleaners, so 4 hours breaking in total. One lady does the whole of downstairs in two hours, the other lady all the upstairs in two hours. Defo not a mansion![/quote]
I used to have the same. It was marvellous!

Nothing to do with your mum.

[quote Drinkingallthewine]@Cavagirl
My dishwasher in this rented house isn't a brilliant one so dishes need a bit of a wipe to clean off debris and grease before going in. They aren't perfectly spotless and I don't rinse off soapy residue before they go in but the high temperature, rinsing and air drying sorts that.[/quote]
Fair enough although you might find this interesting, it might not be the dishwasher www.nytimes.com/wirecutter/guides/how-to-use-your-dishwasher-better/
I'm sure your mum would be even more pleased if you could tell her you don't even bother pre-rinsing now you've found some super detergent

Ask her whether she'd rather you spent 4 hours cleaning or 4 hours playing with your DC and taking them to the park.

Having a cleaner makes me a better parent. I work part-time, do all the 'mental load' stuff and most chores in our house and balance caring for my DC when they're not at nursery with doing overtime for work. It gets overwhelming at times and I rely on the TV too much to keep my DC entertained while I juggle everything. But on the morning after our cleaner has been, I wake up in a great mood to an orderly environment full of promise. I enjoy my coffee in a sparkling clean kitchen and plan activities with my DC - cooking, painting, crafts, walks. I sort out our books and choose new ones to read. It's honestly the best day of our fortnight because having a clean house gives me the mental space and energy to live in the moment.

I would feel lazy if I had a cleaner, (probably because of how I was brought up) but nearly all my friends have cleaners and I've never really thought any of them were lazy, so not sure why I judge myself.
My parents both had side hustle jobs (gardening and cleaning) and I'm pretty sure my mum did judge the lady she cleaned for!
I suppose I would feel bad paying someone else to do something that I could do myself.(but I know I'm in the minority!!)

How funny! My mum always said “when you’re older, whatever you do get a cleaner”. I have always had one, even when v low on funds!!!

I don’t know how old your dm is but as a lot of posters have said a lot of the boomer generation grew up with that 50s housewife mentality where nothing was considered more shameful than to not to always have a perfect house and clean doorstep. But they had very different expectations of parenthood too. Very small children were sent out to play all day long to get out from under their feet as was the norm at the time. Tbf before the pill was available married couples often had far more children than they could look after to any reasonable standard.

Keep focussing on your kid and keep your cleaners. You’ve got your priorities completely right,

@Itsthendoftheworldasweknowit is this your mum who’s invited her your dad to stay for all summer?
The passive aggressive parents who expect you and your DD to fall in with their plans?

I don't know if anyone who says four hours is a lot has noticed that this is fortnightly rather than weekly, so there'll be a bit more to do.

When I cleaned or hired a cleaner it'd be for three hours once a week.

Exactly my point, you cleaned because of lack of choices, the same as I. Would you have chosen it if your life had been different?

@Helendee I'dve loved to be Darcy Bustle in dancing abilities, spectacular at singing, Meghan Markle in looks, JK Rowling in talent/business accumen. Irrelevant cos I can't be- not because of my class at birth which wasn't particularly poor, but due to my own limitations, disability etc. So people employing those women who can only do 'menial' jobs are doing us a massive favour when they give us an opportunity to work and earn etc. That money or the possibility of cleaning work could even enable a woman to leave an abusive relationship.

@NamechangeApril21 Yep I hate cleaning at home too, but it's good to have a skill others value, 'menial' as it is. I have ADHD so my own place can be a shithole.

@Itsthendoftheworldasweknowit Ah, going by what Stath mentioned, sounds like your mum can be hard work in a lot of ways.

Exactly my point, you cleaned because of lack of choices, the same as I.
Would you have chosen it if your life had been different?

But you did have a choice, @Helendee. You had the choice to do cleaning. You chose cleaning over - presumably - not working or earning.

Do you want to eliminate the option of low bar to entry work featuring good convenience and flexibility along with a certain amount of autonomy altogether for vast numbers of women?

What else do you think the vast majority of cleaners would love to do? Work punishing hours in some office or school and be treated as a sentimental fool insufficiently devoted to the task of generating profit for some male CEO, for trying to carve out some work/life balance?

YANBU. I could never have a cleaner as I would have to clean before they arrived as I'd be worried they'd think we were taking the piss. So no point really in this household. Must be lovely though...

I agree OP, mine also comes on a Friday and that Friday feeling is amazing! Enjoy it.
FWIW to the person suggesting we shouldn’t employ other women to clean, get over yourself. I pay my cleaner well, she is not a slave. She earns more than she could earn in any of the supermarket chains, shops etc. Are you actually against women having jobs?