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AIBU?

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Original poster

H has taken to his bed following 2nd vaccine

185 replies

thejollysnake · 10/08/2021 10:59

let me preface this by saying that i know vaccine side effects can be crap. i had my 2nd vaccine a couple of weeks ago and i had fever, sleeplessness, nausea and body aches that lasted about 3 days. however i have a 5yo dc and am working from home, and the world didnt stop for me feeling crappy; i was playing playmobil princesses at my absolute worst and i didnt call in sick. not a stealth brag about how great i am, just a case of, it's shit but i can work from the sofa/bed if it gets really bad, and dc has needs. the world doesn't stop. H did not facilitate me feeling crappy, the house was a tip, dc at a loose end and he continued to work as normal (as he should do).

H on the other hand had his vaccine yesterday morning and has been in bed since. i've done a food shop, cooked all meals for us and dc, cleaned, laundry and basically flown solo. i'm also trying to work with most of my team on leave. even when dc was tired and didnt want to go out to the supermarket with me yesterday afternoon H said she had to go as he was sick (he wouldnt even come to sit on the sofa while she watched tv); i took her with me despite the protests which made the food shopping much harder. a day later he's still in bed now, is giving one word answers to me and dc if we come in as he's "really ill", and yet he's just bloody tried to start an argument with me because he says i "ignore him" when he's ill.

i haven't complained to him about staying in bed, at all. i've been in and out offering food/painkillers every so often, i brought him coffee this morning, i've picked up all the slack around the house and with dc, within reason i am ok to do this and let him recover but i'm not a florence nightingale who is going to wait on him in his sick bed, yet apparently i'm "ignoring him"? he's a generally healthy adult and i'm not his mother. i told him i'm just getting on with things and letting him rest.

i also kind of knew this would happen as when he gets sick at all he tends to drop everything and take to his bed, he even said at the weekend BEFORE his vaccine "i know i'm going to get really ill" so i feel like he was always going to do this. he's just been in bed on his phone for 2 days.

this is a vaccine millions have had, and he is an adult with a wife and a young dc on school summer holiday. if everybody in that position took to their beds after the vaccine (he hasnt even taken any paracetamol!!!) what would we do?

please tell me IANBU!!

OP posts:
Abouttimemum · 10/08/2021 14:24

To not even try to get out of bed and be vaguely helpful for at least some of the day is ridiculous.

I felt grim after both vaccines and I was also absolutely knocked for six by actual covid recently but I’m not doing myself any favours lying in bed. I did spend half a day on the sofa watching tv with DS and then otherwise worked from home as normal at a slower pace.

Some people deal better than others.

Goldbar · 10/08/2021 20:42

People who have to get up and keep going do. Actually getting to rest in bed when ill is a luxury reserved for those are either unencumbered with family responsibilities or have someone at home to pick up the slack (usually the 'default' parent). The second category seems mostly male.

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/08/2021 22:12

@Goldbar

People who have to get up and keep going do. Actually getting to rest in bed when ill is a luxury reserved for those are either unencumbered with family responsibilities or have someone at home to pick up the slack (usually the 'default' parent). The second category seems mostly male.
Sorry but this is bullshit. There are literally thousands of hard working people every year who get disabled due to mental and/or physical health that lose their jobs, families, home because they cannot just get up and do it. Having responsibility is no protection whatsoever. There is a limit to what the human body and mind can do. It’s not a luxury to not be able to just do it. If you CAN do it, you are the one lucky and with luxury of being able-bodied and able-minded.
ilikecheesecake · 10/08/2021 22:16

Yep. We are expected to get on with it and take full responsibility for the house and children even whilst poorly but when they get poorly it's like the world has ended.

Goldbar · 10/08/2021 22:19

There is a limit to what the human body and mind can do.

And it seems to be a lot lower for a lot of men than for their wives and partners.

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/08/2021 22:20

@Goldbar

There is a limit to what the human body and mind can do.

And it seems to be a lot lower for a lot of men than for their wives and partners.

Same could be said for a lot of women compared to their husbands partners. Stop with the sexist BS.
PlanDeRaccordement · 10/08/2021 22:23

We are expected to get on with it and take full responsibility for the house and children even whilst poorly but when they get poorly it's like the world has ended.

Who is expecting this? You either have a you problem with being a martyr or a lazy partner problem. It’s not something that is universal or “expected” because you’re a woman.

Goldbar · 10/08/2021 22:27

Stop with the sexist BS.

It's not bullshit. Statistically men don't pull their weight at home. As a gender, they appear to have much lower 'limits' for what they can cope with than women:

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/women-men-household-chores-domestic-house-gender-norms-a9021586.html

Goldbar · 10/08/2021 22:29

It’s not something that is universal or “expected” because you’re a woman.

Actually it is.

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/08/2021 22:54

[quote Goldbar]Stop with the sexist BS.

It's not bullshit. Statistically men don't pull their weight at home. As a gender, they appear to have much lower 'limits' for what they can cope with than women:

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/women-men-household-chores-domestic-house-gender-norms-a9021586.html[/quote]
Statistics based on self-reported surveys...which if you have any scientific training at all would know are by themselves not considered proof because they are usually wildly inaccurate.

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/08/2021 22:55

@Goldbar

It’s not something that is universal or “expected” because you’re a woman.

Actually it is.

No it’s not. I’m a woman and I’m not “expected” to do all that shit. You are your own worst enemy if you think you are expected to.
SugarAndSpiceIsNice · 10/08/2021 22:56

Why haven't you shoved paracetamol down his throat when you were getting him his coffee? If he's that ill, he'll be having the medication. Absolutely taking the piss.

Goldbar · 10/08/2021 23:07

@PlanDeRaccordement. Ah...so you think the hundreds of surveys showing that women take on more of the domestic and caring load are wrong?

Can you point to one survey showing that men do more than their fair share at home? I would be interested to see it.

I'm sick of people pretending this is an issue of a few 'bad apples'. It's not...it's endemic. Couples who truly share their responsibilities equally are the exception not the rule. To pretend otherwise is to push responsibility onto individual women for their own unfair treatment. "Oh, it's your fault for choosing someone who would treat you like this". On a societal level, women pick up the slack left by men. Women are socialised to think it is their responsibility and men are socialised to think it's ok to let women do this. That's why many men don't step up when women need them to. They don't think it's their responsibility.

DewDew83 · 10/08/2021 23:20

I work in a fairly small office and know at least half of us were bedridden for a day after the second jab.

Zzzzzzxxx · 10/08/2021 23:24

It affects people differently me and my husband both had covid I had no symptoms he ended up with organ failure. Luckily we where both ok after the vaccine but I don’t see what your side effects have to do with your husbands

WingingItSince1973 · 10/08/2021 23:29

My DH had awful side affects after both is AZ jabs. Blinding headache and throwing up. Fortunately was over a weekend but he felt ill for about a week. Still went to work though. I've been fine after both my jabs so I wouldn't say he was putting it on. Plus he felt so hot and I heard him being sick. Has your DH had a temperature?

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 11/08/2021 00:10

I felt rotten after my second Moderna. I am lucky in that I am WFH and it was a day I had nothing on meeting-wise, plus my work are not counting Covid, vaccines, or caring for children/relatives with Covid in the normal sickness absence metric.

My DP had Pfizer and I fully expected him to be weeping and wailing (in fairness he is very rarely ill, but when he is he is the most ill person in the history of time) but he was absolutely fine after both jabs.

OP, I definitely don’t think you are being unreasonable, but I also think there is no real rhyme nor reason to how people are post-jab. Much like Covid itself - I have friends who wouldn’t even have known they were positive if it hadn’t been for testing after DC being contact traced, and others bedded for weeks.

stevalnamechanger · 11/08/2021 00:23

Actually most people at my work have taken at least a day off sick following it ... also close friends haven't been well so I don't think he's being too unreasonable

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 11/08/2021 00:33

@Goldbar

It’s not something that is universal or “expected” because you’re a woman.

Actually it is.

Of course it is.

OP isn't arguing against helping her DH, she's arguing that she never got even so much as a sniff of a lie down when she was ill. The expectations are so glaringly different of who will pick up the slack and have life carry on as normal for their child. It's her DH's entitlement that he can just go to bed whereas I bet he never even thought for a moment that his wife might want the same when it was her.

Everything to do with being a woman

AMCoffeePMWine · 11/08/2021 00:49

Reading some of these responses, we set the bar so low for men.

OP didn’t feel that great after her 2nd. But she’s a responsible adult, with a kiddo and work to do, so she got on with it. Like a grown up.

There’s no reason her DH can’t do that too. If he’s well enough to play on his phone, he could take some acetaminophen, nap, drink water and get out of bloody bed. And he sounds like he planned this downtime anyway.

EKGEMS · 11/08/2021 01:16

@CuriousaboutSamphire Thank you very much! Yes I'm being followed by good physicians and closely monitored. I still encourage others to get vaccinated as I truly think this virus is so scary.

PopcornMuncher · 11/08/2021 04:21

I was sympathetic to him until you said he predicted he'd be ill Hmm

PlanDeRaccordement · 11/08/2021 14:06

@AMCoffeePMWine

Reading some of these responses, we set the bar so low for men.

OP didn’t feel that great after her 2nd. But she’s a responsible adult, with a kiddo and work to do, so she got on with it. Like a grown up.

There’s no reason her DH can’t do that too. If he’s well enough to play on his phone, he could take some acetaminophen, nap, drink water and get out of bloody bed. And he sounds like he planned this downtime anyway.

I see it as some women setting the bar too high for themselves and then feeling resentful when their partners are more sensible. It’s unhealthy to deny yourself downtime when you feel unwell.
ExpressDelivery · 11/08/2021 14:09

We had people at work take a week off after their vaccine. I've no idea if that was necessary, I had no side effects at all, but if it was the way they tell it, it was really awful.

TheGumption · 11/08/2021 20:42

It's all well and good to say you must give yourself downtime but who exactly is supposed to look after young children and pets if we all decide to take to our beds when we feel off colour??