H has taken to his bed following 2nd vaccine

[thejollysnake]

let me preface this by saying that i know vaccine side effects can be crap. i had my 2nd vaccine a couple of weeks ago and i had fever, sleeplessness, nausea and body aches that lasted about 3 days. however i have a 5yo dc and am working from home, and the world didnt stop for me feeling crappy; i was playing playmobil princesses at my absolute worst and i didnt call in sick. not a stealth brag about how great i am, just a case of, it's shit but i can work from the sofa/bed if it gets really bad, and dc has needs. the world doesn't stop. H did not facilitate me feeling crappy, the house was a tip, dc at a loose end and he continued to work as normal (as he should do).

H on the other hand had his vaccine yesterday morning and has been in bed since. i've done a food shop, cooked all meals for us and dc, cleaned, laundry and basically flown solo. i'm also trying to work with most of my team on leave. even when dc was tired and didnt want to go out to the supermarket with me yesterday afternoon H said she had to go as he was sick (he wouldnt even come to sit on the sofa while she watched tv); i took her with me despite the protests which made the food shopping much harder. a day later he's still in bed now, is giving one word answers to me and dc if we come in as he's "really ill", and yet he's just bloody tried to start an argument with me because he says i "ignore him" when he's ill.

i haven't complained to him about staying in bed, at all. i've been in and out offering food/painkillers every so often, i brought him coffee this morning, i've picked up all the slack around the house and with dc, within reason i am ok to do this and let him recover but i'm not a florence nightingale who is going to wait on him in his sick bed, yet apparently i'm "ignoring him"? he's a generally healthy adult and i'm not his mother. i told him i'm just getting on with things and letting him rest.

i also kind of knew this would happen as when he gets sick at all he tends to drop everything and take to his bed, he even said at the weekend BEFORE his vaccine "i know i'm going to get really ill" so i feel like he was always going to do this. he's just been in bed on his phone for 2 days.

this is a vaccine millions have had, and he is an adult with a wife and a young dc on school summer holiday. if everybody in that position took to their beds after the vaccine (he hasnt even taken any paracetamol!!!) what would we do?

please tell me IANBU!!

It’s the bit about not taking paracetamol that would annoy me. I also felt terrible for days but that bit makes it sound as though he’s not even trying to manage it.

By all means take to your bed when you’re ill. But facilitate the same for your partner.

You can’t expect you spouse to push through illness to allow your life to continue uninterrupted and the expect to be waited on hand and food when you’re a bit under the weather.

i haven't complained to him about staying in bed, at all. i've been in and out offering food/painkillers every so often, i brought him coffee this morning, i've picked up all the slack around the house and with dc, within reason i am ok to do this and let him recover

Stop doing this. Stop going in and out.
If he wants painkillers he can get them himself.
I presume he's able to get up to go to the toilet. In which case he is also able to get painkillers and a drink and then go back to bed.
Fucking hell.... those of us who are single just have to get on with stuff like this. Crawl out of bed at some point when we are feeling less shit, get what is needed and back to bed.

He could have had a bad reaction and be feeling genuinely ill but he needs to stop moaning and just put up with it like plenty of other people have had to. I know a lot of people who were ill for three or four days after the vaccine and had to stay in bed.
I wasn't affected like that but I couldn't pick anything up with my left arm for a week as it really hurt.

Does he have form for this? Pre-empting a reaction in advance sounds like setting the scene for a couple of days in bed to me.

Has he actually taken sick leave from work OP?

You say he has form for this. Why don’t you reciprocate? Next time you are unwell, don’t be martyr. Do exactly what he does and let him deal with everything.

To be honest I don't think the problems so much that he wants to be in bed as much as it is that he didn't/wouldn't do the same for you?

YABU though I think as it sounds as though you think because you are able to power through when unwell he should to, people cope with things differently and just because you managed doesn't mean he should have to (the vaccine has been different for everyone)

I can't imagine being in a relationship where my partner would begrudge me being in bed ill just because we have a child. Recently my partner had gastroenteritis so I looked after the baby for days while he was in bed. He did it for me the other day when I was ill and just needed to rest. I could manage and still look after our son when I'm unwell etc which I do when he's away for work but that's one of the perks to having a partner there is that you can rest up.

The problem with your situation is that is sounds as though he wouldn't do the same for you - that's what you should be annoyed about, not that he's in bed unwell

I know the vaccine can wipe some people out, as pps have pointed out. But wiped out means not being able or bothered to use a phone.

I would suggest that if he can spend 2 days on his phone and is able to complain that you are not Florence Nightingale enough, then he is not wiped out and you ANBU

No point listening to @PlanDeRaccordement on anything approaching science tbh, she's all over the climate crisis threads right now denying links, so she's not going to recognise that a commonly used anti-pyritic painkiller

might reduce pain and fever

@DameFanny

No point listening to *@PlanDeRaccordement* on anything approaching science tbh, she's all over the climate crisis threads right now denying links, so she's not going to recognise that a commonly used anti-pyritic painkiller

might reduce pain and fever

@DameFanny Don’t ascribe to me things I’ve never said. All I’ve said is many people prefer not to take paracetamol for what is not an illness. They can safely do this and due to our right to bodily autonomy no one should be shamed into using a drug they prefer not to use or accused of faking vaccine side effects/feeling unwell. That’s not anything to do with science.

@PlanDeRaccordement

Sorry but I think YABU. Side effects are different by person, so you can’t compare your experience to his for one. He may be feeling as sick if not sicker than you did. Secondly, your attitude to keep working and doing it all even though you feel really ill is actually a very unhealthy attitude to have. You should have gone to bed yourself, not been a martyr. You have to have something in place for child care and housework when you are ill...you need to tell your partner to pick up the slack and go to bed. Arguing that he needs to be like you is totally unreasonable. You need to be more like him and rest when sick.

The same for your DC and school, don’t be that parent that sends a sick child to school....

This. @PlanDeRaccordement is one of the only people talking sense on this thread.

OP making the terrible choice to martyr herself does not mean her husband should do the same. There's a very strange culture in the UK of taking pride in working through a situation that's clearly very unhealthy, and I applaud OPs DH for knowing his limits.

A lot of people seem to think that because they had minimal side effects so should others, that's not how bodies and people work. I don't assume my friend is lying about being bedridden with period cramps for 3 days of each cycle just because mine are mild, I understand experiences differ from person to person for a whole host of reasons. This is the DH second vaccine, so it's realistic to assume that based on his reaction to the first one (and perhaps anecdotal evidence from friends) he understood the second might make him feel rotten.

To me the telling thing about this sorry tale is that when OP was feeling under the weather after her vaccine her DH just expected to carry on as normal and didn't pick up any of the slack. When it's his turn, not only is she still supposed to carry on working, doing all the domestic tasks and looking after their child, she gets moaned at for not dancing sufficient attention upon her lord and master. That's childish, unreasonable and deeply unattractive. Is he always such a pillock?

YANBU OP. Please don't be the Cinderella in your relationship.💐

@NeverButterkist

I know the vaccine can wipe some people out, as pps have pointed out. But wiped out means not being able or bothered to use a phone.

I would suggest that if he can spend 2 days on his phone and is able to complain that you are not Florence Nightingale enough, then he is not wiped out and you ANBU

I could use a phone and laptop- but I couldn't stand up or walk.

The vaccine affects people in different ways.

@doesanyonewantthis

I was ill and did not take any painkillers. You're not supposed to. They can suppress your immune response.

Next time that you're sick OP, don't martyr yourself.

This is not the case, if you listen to the NHS guidance.

It says to to take paracetamol and pain killers if you need to. As did every doctor who did our jabs - 6 different doctors said the same thing. Everyone I know was told they could take pain killers to help with side effects.

If feeling poorly you should do what you can to help yourself improve. Painkillers is one of these things.

I have to take a range of medication and painkillers daily. If I didn't I would need to take to my bed or the sofa sat too often. Even if it just takes the edge if I is better than nothing.

And most people don't take pain medication effectively either. It should be taken at full dose at regular intervals - bit waiting til you feel really bad. Do that and it's too late to get the best from them.

Wallowing and pre booking 'sick leave' is guaranteed not to help tbh.

I think YABU OP, you don’t know how is feeling. I don’t think he is doing this to spite you. If he feels really bad be kind to him, you are a team. Just make sure to remind him when you are ill, how well he was looked after. I hope he is better soon.

Jesus christ, a lot of pull yr boots up comments.

I had the first astra jab and thought i would feel a bit off, but felt ok. Until 10 hours later when i couldnt get up off the floor. I could barely move for three days, i think i weed once and could even open the passcode on my phone, let alone get some tablets thst would have done fuck all.

I spent one of those days vomiting with very high temp

Thank god my husband wasnt working nights- i barely remembered i had children let alone would have been able to feed them.

I was gobsmacked it was so extreme. My mother had similar though. Second jab was nothing

I usually power through anything but this was the illest ive been sincd being hospitalised with amoebic dysentery in Cambodia

@ssd

Christ you're great *@thejollysnake*

Hope my boys marry someone like you

NOT

Well, hopefully your boys aren't "boys" who don't expect to make an effort when their partner is ill and expects her or him to function as normal but thinks he deserved the full Florence Nightingale (Handmaid version) Treatment when he's ill.

I don't think it's his being ill that's the issue here. It's more the treatment he expects doesn't match the treatment he's prepared to give out.

I was really sick with the first jab and was completely in bed for one day. I then did half days at work for the next four days. The second jab I was absolutely fine.

I do know of some who are the other way around. I get that he feels sick but when I was sick when my DS was small I still had to look after him.

He could have sat downstairs for an hour whilst you got the groceries in surely?

As an aside i have nevrr ever found any painkiller (nsaid or otherwise) to work

"Paracetamol is not a miracle drug that will magically make him feel all better and able to get on with things" your words @PlanDeRaccordement. It's not magic that makes people feel all better and able to get on with things, it's medicine, and for a lot of people this is exactly what paracetamol does. It gets underestimated a lot because there's so many other things around, but give a paracetamol to your Victorian ancestors and they'd find it absolutely miraculous to relieve pain without drowsiness.

OP, I agree with the posters saying you shouldn't have martyred yourself before, and you should be having conversations about the division of labour, and your expectations of him when you're not up to par. But you'll have to wait for him to be done with his deathbed first. And I do agree it's malingering, because if you're offering fluids and rest and he's wanting you to be an audience, rather than sleeping it out, well, that's just weird.

The point shouldn't be how ill is he or not but that he did not care for you or the house or DC when you were ill.

That is unforgivable. You're married to a selfish arse

@Theredjellybean

He hasn't taken paracetamol.... At that point all sympathy stops. If he was trying to self care with paracetamol, fluids etc, I'd be sympathetic. But I see red when people effectively want to be ill... I'd go in and say calmly that you understand he feels rotten, here is his paracetamol, here is his fluids. If he takes them he will feel better but it's OK to take a rest day. If he chooses not to help himself in any way then you won't be providing any more nursing services, as you have work and dc to look after. Then leave, shut door and get on with your day

Yep, this. And he isn’t “really ill”, he’s suffering normal but unpleasant side effects from a vaccine that will pass, and he doesn’t need attention from a servant-wife.

All reactions are different-some people get off scott free, others have containable symptoms, others are very ill and a few need medical help.

I was frightened to leave my bed, as I experienced awful dizziness, almost vertigo. I didn't want to take any medication, as-irrationally or not-I was worried that something might react with the vaccine and leave me feeling worse.

Your husband might be feeling absolutely wretched-many do so why not him?

"Flying Solo" ! Give it a rest. Maybe melodrama runs in the family.

To all those commenting how ill they felt, it's got nothing to do with the effing vaccine. That isn't being disputed at all.

It's the fact that the OP is expected to soldier on with life if she dares to be unwell while he takes to his bed and expects to be waited on hand and foot.

Nothing kills your libido as quickly as a man who resembles a wet blanket. Maybe point that out to him..........

@Hopeisnotastrategy

To me the telling thing about this sorry tale is that when OP was feeling under the weather after her vaccine her DH just expected to carry on as normal and didn't pick up any of the slack. When it's his turn, not only is she still supposed to carry on working, doing all the domestic tasks and looking after their child, she gets moaned at for not dancing sufficient attention upon her lord and master. That's childish, unreasonable and deeply unattractive. Is he always such a pillock?

YANBU OP. Please don't be the Cinderella in your relationship.💐

My DH is lovely and will look after me like a champ when I'm sick.. including listening to whining. But he also expects me to ask if I need it. If I don't ask he presumes I am ok to manage or that I want to be left alone to sleep.

I think some women (not sure if OP is one) don't communicate their needs and wants well and then complain that they aren't getting any help.

If you say "I feel like utter crap and I need you to take DS/DD." or "I feel awful can you help me?" and they bugger off and leave you to it then you have a right to be shirty. People aren't mind readers though, if you don't say anything they may think you are managing.

As for the playing on phone when sick. Sometimes if you feel awful or are in pain finding something to distract you helps. I had oral surgery last year and was signed off work for a week to recover. Watching you tube videos on my phone for the first few days helped distract me while waiting for the pain medication to kick in.

@DameFanny
I was being sarcastic, I don’t really think paracetamol is magic. I was addressing people who seemed 100% convinced paracetamol would absolutely make him feel better enough to pop out of bed and get in with things and his refusal is 100% proof he’s faking.