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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

H has taken to his bed following 2nd vaccine

185 replies

thejollysnake · 10/08/2021 10:59

let me preface this by saying that i know vaccine side effects can be crap. i had my 2nd vaccine a couple of weeks ago and i had fever, sleeplessness, nausea and body aches that lasted about 3 days. however i have a 5yo dc and am working from home, and the world didnt stop for me feeling crappy; i was playing playmobil princesses at my absolute worst and i didnt call in sick. not a stealth brag about how great i am, just a case of, it's shit but i can work from the sofa/bed if it gets really bad, and dc has needs. the world doesn't stop. H did not facilitate me feeling crappy, the house was a tip, dc at a loose end and he continued to work as normal (as he should do).

H on the other hand had his vaccine yesterday morning and has been in bed since. i've done a food shop, cooked all meals for us and dc, cleaned, laundry and basically flown solo. i'm also trying to work with most of my team on leave. even when dc was tired and didnt want to go out to the supermarket with me yesterday afternoon H said she had to go as he was sick (he wouldnt even come to sit on the sofa while she watched tv); i took her with me despite the protests which made the food shopping much harder. a day later he's still in bed now, is giving one word answers to me and dc if we come in as he's "really ill", and yet he's just bloody tried to start an argument with me because he says i "ignore him" when he's ill.

i haven't complained to him about staying in bed, at all. i've been in and out offering food/painkillers every so often, i brought him coffee this morning, i've picked up all the slack around the house and with dc, within reason i am ok to do this and let him recover but i'm not a florence nightingale who is going to wait on him in his sick bed, yet apparently i'm "ignoring him"? he's a generally healthy adult and i'm not his mother. i told him i'm just getting on with things and letting him rest.

i also kind of knew this would happen as when he gets sick at all he tends to drop everything and take to his bed, he even said at the weekend BEFORE his vaccine "i know i'm going to get really ill" so i feel like he was always going to do this. he's just been in bed on his phone for 2 days.

this is a vaccine millions have had, and he is an adult with a wife and a young dc on school summer holiday. if everybody in that position took to their beds after the vaccine (he hasnt even taken any paracetamol!!!) what would we do?

please tell me IANBU!!

OP posts:
Nixandwotsit · 10/08/2021 13:17

I think if he went straight to bed YANBU because he wouldn't have felt effects that quickly. Sounds like he expected and planned to be poorly.

MauveMagnolia · 10/08/2021 13:18

@Nixandwotsit

I think if he went straight to bed YANBU because he wouldn't have felt effects that quickly. Sounds like he expected and planned to be poorly.
I had effects within 15 minutes. My DH vaccinated at the same time had none. I ended up very ill.
ReggaetonLente · 10/08/2021 13:24

I do know what you mean. DH felt rough with his, he got 2 days in bed while I took the children out both days all day to give him peace and quiet.

I felt similarly crap and had one afternoon, yes in bed, but still doing colouring and reading books.

He said the girls just wanted me and he couldn't stop them coming in! Sigh.

SirenSays · 10/08/2021 13:29

Everyone's symptoms are different. My elderly parents were OK after the vaccine, just aches with sore arms. I had a fever and burned so hot I swear my bedding was going to catch fire at one point. My DH had horrendous migraines on and off for days, that Paracetamol wouldn't have touched.
You were warned he was going to be ill. If you didn't find alternative childcare, sort online shopping or do something together with this advance warning, then I think you've brought this on yourselves tbh.

Goldbar · 10/08/2021 13:29

It's the lack of reciprocity which is the issue, isn't it?

Also, unless they're very unwell, sick adults really don't require someone to nurse them. All they need is to be left in peace. So to take to his bed and then complain you're ignoring him is a bit much.

TatianaBis · 10/08/2021 13:30

A friend of ours (doctor) took to his bed after his second dose. Headache, fatigue, nausea. After the third night he never woke up. Autopsy showed he died of CVST.

These vaccines have far more serious side effects than conventional vaccines, so DH may be genuinely feeling unwell.

Goldbar · 10/08/2021 13:31

@SirenSays. He knew he was going to be unwell. So he could have hired himself a nurse if he though he'd need one instead of expecting the OP to nurse him.

SpnBaby1967 · 10/08/2021 13:34

I had a 40C temp after my vaccine, couldn't walk for the violent shivers and felt like I was dying.

In fact, I had covid and didnt feel anywhere near as bad then (still worked from home whilst I had covid) as I did with the vaccine side effects

Just because you were able to carry on, doesnt mean DH could. Yes, could be "man flu" but I prefer to give the man I love the benefit of the doubt there

billy1966 · 10/08/2021 13:34

He sounds like a selfish waster.

You have made the mistake of having a child with him.
Don't have another.

His treatment of you when you were ill is who he is.

A selfish waster.

DameFanny · 10/08/2021 13:35

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@DameFanny
I was being sarcastic, I don’t really think paracetamol is magic. I was addressing people who seemed 100% convinced paracetamol would absolutely make him feel better enough to pop out of bed and get in with things and his refusal is 100% proof he’s faking.[/quote]
And now you're exaggerating for effect, because no one was saying that. But if you're going to contradict accepted facts you might want to use your words more carefully, so you don't come across as an absolute diq, and people might be able to see a point in talking to you.

Grasshopper90 · 10/08/2021 13:36

I get it. When my DH is sick with anything, he will take to his bed or the sofa and check himself out for as long as he sees fit.

When I’m sick, I have a tendency to martyr on and keep doing most of the house stuff, childcare etc.

So it’s not reciprocal and it does annoy me, but I know I am as much to blame as he is.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 10/08/2021 13:41

These threads drive me batshit. Why do you let him get away with this? Have you not pointed out that he was completely unsupportive when you were ill? If you set the bar so low for yourself, then you get what you deserve. Complaining to MN won't fix this for you - you have to demand better!

lastcall · 10/08/2021 13:44

@BrilloPaddy

To all those commenting how ill they felt, it's got nothing to do with the effing vaccine. That isn't being disputed at all.

It's the fact that the OP is expected to soldier on with life if she dares to be unwell while he takes to his bed and expects to be waited on hand and foot.

Nothing kills your libido as quickly as a man who resembles a wet blanket. Maybe point that out to him..........

This.

And for all those saying OP shouldn't have 'martyred' herself when she was sick and make her DH step up, well that obviously wasn't going to happen here. She wasn't dying; he wasn't going to take time off to watch them or do anything and some people don't have childcare options outside of spouses they they can afford or call upon.

OP can't force her DH to take a personal day when she's on her knees (and, oddly, when it comes to most illnesses, MN tells mums they're being unreasonable if they expect their other halves to take time off from work so they can go to bed, and to just keep an eye on DCs from the couch etc), but she CAN refuse to cater to him and expect him to do for himself like he does of her.

Sorrycantreadtest · 10/08/2021 13:44

My DS had severe side effects from his vaccine and ended up spending ten days in hospital. He couldn't stand up unaided, couldn't eat and was on a drip for fluids. He cannot take most painkillers and has to be very careful about paracetamol due to a pre-existing condition.

Glitterblue · 10/08/2021 13:44

Good for you 🙄

I was so ill after mine I literally couldn't lift my head off the pillow for 3 days. I can't even describe the headache I had. There's no way on earth I could have even made it to the couch to keep an eye on a child.

RuleWithAWoodenFoot · 10/08/2021 13:53

My partner did this too. The dressing gown of doom was out from the moment he got the appointment - ha. Don't let him get away with it - just book yourself a day out this coming weekend and say it's your turn. My partner used to be surprised when I did this, but now he knows it's coming.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 10/08/2021 14:03

Picking up the household slack for 24hrs with just one child in tow is hardly difficult.
Let him wallow in bed, you don't have to buy into the "I'm ill" mentality. leave him a jug of water and some paracetamol and let him get on with it.
You also don't have to martyr yourself when you're ill.
Sounds like you're trying to make a point.

AliceMcK · 10/08/2021 14:09

I’m saying YABU. My DH took to his bed after his 2nd vaccine. He even took a day off work even though he’s wfh and could have just moved some meetings and work around as he normally would if he’s not feeling well. My DH also isn’t a fan of taking meds, not even paracetamol.

Everyone is effected differently, just because you were ok dosnt mean everyone else is.

gamerchick · 10/08/2021 14:12

Give him a drink, some painkillers and leave him to it. Can't stand it when grown adults wanted to be fawned over when they feel a bit off. Especially those who dont return the favour Hmm

Peanutbuttercupisyum · 10/08/2021 14:12

Maternal/female guilt. Sorry but it’s totally a thing. The countless times
I’ve had a stomach bug / felt terrible and still played with the dc, made sure they weren’t at a lose end, took dog out, done bath time, cleaned up..then my DH will catch the same
bug days later and he’s in bed for 3 days. Honestly, there’s been situations where I’ve vomited in a bin on the school run. But DH goes to work nonetheless. Then he catches it and we don’t see him
for days as he can’t go anywhere without feeling awful. Yeah me too!!! People’s versions of “cant get off the sofa” are v different... if you have to get off the sofa, like actually have to, you do.

Coogee · 10/08/2021 14:14

I’m another in the “Good for you camp”. I had to take to my bed after my second Moderna. What made it worse is that we had gone away for a weekend break and it was effectively wasted.

SisterBeaverhausen · 10/08/2021 14:18

I was ill after both my vaccines.

For 48 hours after AZ I was in bed and could do nothing. After Pfizer I went to bed about 6pm the next day as I felt bad again.

I also knew I would react badly as I react badly to all vaccines so maybe your partner had that insight?

It sucks he didn't help you but he could also genuinely feel ill. Its not uncommon for people to be ill after the vaccines.

Killahangilion · 10/08/2021 14:18

He’s a chancer OP.

Anyone that plays on their phone whilst they’re supposedly ill and suffering in bed, is taking the piss.

Peanutbuttercupisyum · 10/08/2021 14:19

@Glitterblue

Good for you 🙄

I was so ill after mine I literally couldn't lift my head off the pillow for 3 days. I can't even describe the headache I had. There's no way on earth I could have even made it to the couch to keep an eye on a child.

Okay so I get you felt really awful. But if you had a small baby/toddlers, and no DH and no family around - there’s plenty of people in this situation - what would you do? Babysitters are v hard to find at short notice. Particularly during the day time!!! I know loads of nannies and sitters but there not one I think would be available to come and look after my children during the day, for an unspecified amount of time, tomorrow, for example. I mean, you simply could not stay upstairs, could you? You literally would just have to make it work!
AgnesNaismith · 10/08/2021 14:20

As is often said on here - you have a DH problem (not a vaccine problem).

I was so ill after the vaccine I spent 3 days in bed the first time and two the second. Blurry vision, headaches, chills, nausea and full body pain. There is no need to be a martyr, tell him to buck the fuck up or fuck the fuck off next time you’re ill.

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