H has taken to his bed following 2nd vaccine

[thejollysnake]

let me preface this by saying that i know vaccine side effects can be crap. i had my 2nd vaccine a couple of weeks ago and i had fever, sleeplessness, nausea and body aches that lasted about 3 days. however i have a 5yo dc and am working from home, and the world didnt stop for me feeling crappy; i was playing playmobil princesses at my absolute worst and i didnt call in sick. not a stealth brag about how great i am, just a case of, it's shit but i can work from the sofa/bed if it gets really bad, and dc has needs. the world doesn't stop. H did not facilitate me feeling crappy, the house was a tip, dc at a loose end and he continued to work as normal (as he should do).

H on the other hand had his vaccine yesterday morning and has been in bed since. i've done a food shop, cooked all meals for us and dc, cleaned, laundry and basically flown solo. i'm also trying to work with most of my team on leave. even when dc was tired and didnt want to go out to the supermarket with me yesterday afternoon H said she had to go as he was sick (he wouldnt even come to sit on the sofa while she watched tv); i took her with me despite the protests which made the food shopping much harder. a day later he's still in bed now, is giving one word answers to me and dc if we come in as he's "really ill", and yet he's just bloody tried to start an argument with me because he says i "ignore him" when he's ill.

i haven't complained to him about staying in bed, at all. i've been in and out offering food/painkillers every so often, i brought him coffee this morning, i've picked up all the slack around the house and with dc, within reason i am ok to do this and let him recover but i'm not a florence nightingale who is going to wait on him in his sick bed, yet apparently i'm "ignoring him"? he's a generally healthy adult and i'm not his mother. i told him i'm just getting on with things and letting him rest.

i also kind of knew this would happen as when he gets sick at all he tends to drop everything and take to his bed, he even said at the weekend BEFORE his vaccine "i know i'm going to get really ill" so i feel like he was always going to do this. he's just been in bed on his phone for 2 days.

this is a vaccine millions have had, and he is an adult with a wife and a young dc on school summer holiday. if everybody in that position took to their beds after the vaccine (he hasnt even taken any paracetamol!!!) what would we do?

please tell me IANBU!!

When you’re sick you’re not scrolling Twitter.

Weird litmus test. When I'm sick and out of energy (but can't necessarily go to sleep properly) vacantly scrolling social media is the only thing I'm capable of. It's like thinking someone can't be sick because they're watching Netflix.

@gannett

Oh and paracetamol did fuck all to help DP, it's not exactly a miracle cure.

But at least he tried to take something that could help.

Paracetamol doesn't really work for me either - I need ibuprofen, but if that was all that was available and I felt awful, I'd at least try it.

@MauveMagnolia

I couldn't get out of bed on day 1 after vaccine- took 2 hours just stand up. Then had a complex range of symptoms- a 1% reaction the hospital said

Look out for any rashes on his torso and go immediately to a& e

Oh and I worked all the way through actual CV19 last autumn.

@FreeBritnee

My litmus test for illness is are they still scrolling on their phone or is the phone off and on the side and they are genuinely sleeping?

What a weird thing to say.

I was in bed most of Sunday with horrific period pain and nausea. I couldn't sleep because the pain was so bad, but scrolling on my phone at least helped take my mind off it a little bit.

Similarly what if someone is physically injured and can't get out of bed - them using their phone to pass the time doesn't mean they're not unwell lol.

He's being unreasonable. He needs to toughen up and help out.

Try this:
Tell him, "oooh, I can tell I'm going yo get my period at the weekend and feel awful."

Then do exactly what he has done; stay in bed and don't lift a finger, text him asking for coffees and ice cream, and send him a list of jobs that need doing.

When he gets annoyed, remind him that you picked up all the slack when he was poorly after his vaccine. If the world stops when he's poorly, it stops for you.

When you get out of bed, ask him to agree that in future, if one of you is unwell, there is a fairer effort from the sick person to help a bit.

Him bleating that you are ignoring him is just self absorbed and juvenile. Yuck. Not taking anything or even trying to make himself feel better just smacks of him being quite willing to wallow while you do everything. Another big yuck. The Dressing Gown of Doom will emerge soon and that would get short shrift as well.

You could have just left the five year old in the bedroom with him with a tablet/the tv and ignored any protesting. No need to martyr yourself.

However, everyone does react differently to a vaccine. Its impossible for us to tell if he is milking it or not but he shouldn't expect you to serve or pander to him. He is an gross manchild adult after all.

I've been sick for six damn months since my second Pfizer vaccine. Three weeks after the second my health spiraled out of control and I haven't worked or been myself due to an extreme immune reaction. Thyroiditis, myocarditis, hypothyroid, vasculitis, diabetes, exhaustion.

I felt pretty ill after mine and basically carried on! I did time then so that any side effects would be on work time rather than dc time though Found it easier to sit in my bed and work than to entertain dc and mine are older than yours (yes they can entertain themselves but I’d rather spend time with them!)

I think your h is malingering as he wouldn’t take paracetamol. And if you’re well enough to look at a phone, you’re well enough to do basic things like move to the sofa while the shopping is done!

I have every sympathy with someone feeling grotty. I don't have any sympathy if they can take painkillers and don't.

And if I didn't have a lot of time I wouldn't be running around doing housework, I'd just do the minimum until DH was well again. And surely "doing laundry" = throwing in washing machine and turning on?

And you don't need to go to a supermarket - you can order online.

OP you can moan about your DH but I don't like women being martyrs, either. And if I was feeling ill I wouldn't be playing with 5 year old, they'd be in front of TV. That was your choice.

Gosh, reading some of these responses I'm truly grateful to have a DP who looks after me when I'm ill.

The Dressing Gown of Doom will emerge soon and that would get short shrift as well

I had flu symptoms and a horrendous headache for days after the second shot. Taking pills did fuck all. Was in bed for the first 24 hours feeling like I'd been run over when I didn't have chills.

But he could be faking it to annoy you, I guess. YABU.

I think you know the answer better than any of us. Is he generally a malingerer? If so YANBU. My DH is absolutely not - he's only ever had one day off work in all the years I've known him - if he had taken to his bed I would know he was feeing seriously unwell and would probably be quite worried about him.

TBH I think men have the right idea - I think we should be more like them when we’re ill.

I have had a bug this week and had to call in sick to work. My female socialisation had me feeling guilty about this. When I expressed this to DH his logical brain could not fathom why I would feel guilty about protecting my colleagues and my own health. And he’s right.

Odds on he is a general malingerer as a. He won’t take paracetamol, and b. I doubt the OP would feel as she does if it’s a one off!

@EKGEMS

I've been sick for six damn months since my second Pfizer vaccine. Three weeks after the second my health spiraled out of control and I haven't worked or been myself due to an extreme immune reaction. Thyroiditis, myocarditis, hypothyroid, vasculitis, diabetes, exhaustion.

I hope you've managed to get some effective medical intervention/support for that EK

I feared a similar response, I have ME. I have a low grade response and am hoping it will fade over time. But I would need some support from my GP. if it gets any worse.

Again, I hope you are getting some effective support (not really helpful but all I can offer through a screen)

@ThursdayLastWeek you are right though. I can rarely bring myself to call in sick even when I am!

He does get ill probably about once a month where he takes to his bed and is totally out of action to me and dc. Not an exaggeration.

My other half is rarely sick, i mean hardly ever, can count on one hand in the near 20 years were together that he has been sick, but the second dose of the vaccine knocked him for 6. He hates sitting around and doing nothing, is always working but was unable to move for about three days after his second dose. So i let him laze about and looked after him (he is not the best patient though, as he on the go a lot he cant relax) Unless you have history of him being lazy and resentment is building up, i would let it go, the vaccine affects people in different ways.

I also think he has pre booked a few days in bed. I don't know anyone personally who has felt ill enough to stay in bed after their vaccines, so it's not a given that it will affect any one person badly.

Paracetemol, will reduce inflamation and lower your temp, it is good advice to take it.

Whether your husband is 'putting it on' a little is difficult for any of us to know, but illness is hard to quantify. It does sound as though you are resentful of him.

Everyone is different, but you are essentially calling him a liar.

@Redlorryellow

He does get ill probably about once a month where he takes to his bed and is totally out of action to me and dc. Not an exaggeration.

(Assuming this is the OP, but name changed)

Unless he has a long term illness that flares, this is not acceptable. If he is ill that often, he needs medical investigation.

Otherwise, he is being ridiculous and lazy. I don't know how you can live like that. So glad I live alone rather than having to pander to that sort of manchild.

I'd be angry. What does he think you would do if you felt ill??
Sometimes it's not an option to stay in bed.

Obviously don't know about your dh's usual approach to feeling ill but -

I was in bed for 24 hours after my first vaccine. There was no way I could have done much other than lie there shivering and trying to get my temperature down. If I had had been alone with small dcs I would no doubt have put tv on for them and opened a can or two to feed them but I couldn't have done much else and I would probably have been crawling. My DH in contrast was shivery but well enough to get on with things.

In contrast, second shot I was absolutely fine and DH felt terrible and took to his bed.

Not sure what to make of this except to say we all respond differently.

Bloody hell. Ilive alone and had covid on my own with nobody to look after ma and felt like boiled death after my 1st vaccine. Still went to work in the NHS. If he can get out of bed to go to the loo and is not peeing the bed he doesn't need mummy to hold a cold flannel to his head ff's.